Saturday, June 25, 2016

More on dd and the crying man

Anonymous wrote:


It was my comment that prompted the post. 
I think the bottom line is that how you think about the crying and what actually prompted it is strongly dependent on the relationship between the people involved. 


I don't dispute that crying can happen as an emotional release that the spanking triggers. I definitely get an emotional release from being spanked, but it's not usually crying. 


However, I have been pushed to the brink of tears by the pain, not by any feelings of being loved or cared for, and I have read descriptions of scenes on other blogs where the amount of pain inflicted prior to the crying suggests that it was not just some emotional release. In my most recent case, it happened within a role playing scene with a pro for whom I had no emotional attachment (and vice-versa). Unless you ask the person being spanked, you don't really know what did it. 


I read one description from a woman who likes to make her man have orgasms before she beats him because he cries every time. That made my skin crawl.  


However, I do believe that the dynamic described here can be the case. It really depends on the relationship between the two people. I think spanking can be really enjoyable and I really like the stress relief aspect of it. Seeing anyone cry is kind of a trigger for me, but I get what's being said.

Tears: 
Seeing anyone cry is no trigger for me. I see people cry all the time. People laugh and people cry. For me, this is just something that happens and I am completely fine with it. 

My clients, especially the ones who go through a divorce, usually start to get teary eyes at one point or the other while we discuss how to proceed. 

I have seen many of my friends cry. And in my family, we dont hide our tears from each other neither. My sister cried quite a lot recently, when her boyfriend broke up with her. I saw my mother cry very often and saw my brother crying a couple of times. And even my dad cried in front of me sometimes.  I remember one specific moment with him. It was actually quite strange. I had met my dad somewhere, and we both knew the circumstances needed him to appear strong and in control, but he felt helpless and out of control. We talked and he started to cry. I tried to support him as much as I could, and when he was about to leave, he wanted to make sure "the world" would not see that he had cried. We did not have any tissues with us. So, when we were giving each other a good bye hug, he suddenly reached down to my t-shirt and used the bottom of my t-shirt to wipe away his tears. I left the place with his tears on my t-shirt instead on his face. In my mind, it is a very symbolic picture. I have been taught from a very young age on to take care of peoples tears :-)

And in case you were wondering: yes, I do cry too. And many people have seen me cry. Tears don`t scare me.

Pro dommes:
People have different needs, and I am sure many men can find fulfillment when going to a pro domme. These women are usually super beautiful. And they can pretty much cater to whatever need it is the man is having. I do believe that pro dommes are needed, and in a way I do admire these ladies. Every once in a while I am playing with the idea to become a pro domme, for the $$$$$$$, but I always dismiss the idea again. It is just not what I am and what I do.

Me, I have never spanked a man without any emotional attachment. And I dont want to. I only spank a man if I care about him.  I enjoy pampering my man as much as I enjoy disciplining him. I enjoy to be important to him. I don`t like the idea of being exchangeable. I love when his eyes start to glow because he sees me. It is a very good feeling for me to see him happy because I am around. It is a very sad feeling for me though to think that his eyes are not glowing because of me but because of the hair brush/belt/cane/whatever it is I am holding in my hand.

Clinical and cold and brutal canings/spankings, that is just not my flavor of the kink.

My thoughts about him crying:
I give a lot to the man. I am focused on him only. I pay attention to his body language. I try to read his needs as much as possible. I try to understand him. I watch him closely. 

I dont wanna beat him so brutally and so painfully that he literally breaks down. That is not what I want at all. And I have never done that. I dont wanna break him down. I just want to break through some of his protective walls.

And if he starts to cry, I see it as a very, very, very precious gift from the man to me. I know how difficult it can be to let the tears come. I understand how many men are taught to NOT show any tears. And if he does show me his tears, if he dares to let me see him cry, Me, I feel warm and loved. In my mind it is a sign that I have done a good job with him, that there is a special bond between us, that he feels save around me. That he trusts me. That he is even willing to go to very unfamiliar places for and with me.

9 comments:

  1. Once again, I agree completely with the sentiments you express. The key element to a DD relationship is the RELATIONSHIP, the same as any vanilla couple. It's all about the trust, the faith, the vulnerability, the exposure, the love. On both sides.

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  2. I appreciate your taking the time to write that. It was my original comment that you posted.

    I have a pretty different relationship with all of this than most people. I'm not in a DD relationship, and although I enjoy (and am somewhat obsessed with) spanking play, I've been really turned off by every DD blog I've read, except yours.

    I get that crying is not a trigger for most people. I had a pretty out of control mother growing up, etc., etc. She made my Dad cry once and it gutted me. Although I'm a lawyer too, I don't do anything like family or criminal law that involves that level of personal emotion.

    The pro I mentioned is not at all as you described. She is a far more regular person, not an exotic model type. She's not really a dominatrix.

    My problem is that I can't see a punisher/disciplinarian as a person who loves me. I have to separate the two. I can't have a woman actually punish me for real offenses with the intent of hurting me (at least to some extent) and turn around feel close and loving towards her.

    I just read a blog description yesterday of how a guy's wife beat him 40 times with a strap because she was mad at him, and then they sat on the couch and hugged and kissed. I can't do that, but I am fascinated that people can. Another guy has posted a few videos, and his wife wails on him with paddles and a cane for like 15 minutes, and then she just says "give me a kiss" and goes to take a shower. That's a complete disconnect in my mind.

    I enjoy the exchange of views. I think I have more problems than I thought!


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  3. @ FLSTC01: We understand each other. Not many words needed between us :-)

    @anonymous: Relax, my anonymous lawyer colleague, relax
    Your brain is used to see problems where there are none.

    Just a couple of thoughts:

    You dont need to like what I like :-) If it`s not your cup of tea, so dont drink it.

    "My problem is that I can't see a punisher/disciplinarian as a person who loves me. I have to separate the two."
    Sure, that is a valid point of view. If you can't see a disciplinarian as a person who loves you, why not keeping the two separated? If you dont like the cheesecake from starbucks, eat a piece of cheesecake from cheescakefactory. There are many ways out there to get cheesecake if you want to have some :-)
    It`s not a matter of right or wrong. It´s a matter of taste. And my advice is: only do what feels right to you. Both in cheesecake questions and as far as the kink is concerned ;-)

    "The pro I mentioned is not at all as you described. She is a far more regular person, not an exotic model type. She's not really a dominatrix." I dont wanna ruin the phantasies of many of my readers, lol, but you would be shocked how normal/regular I am. In a way, we are all "just regular" people.

    "Although I'm a lawyer too, I don't do anything like family or criminal law that involves that level of personal emotion." you are such a coward, lol making the big bucks and dodging the emotions, lol.

    "I can't have a woman actually punish me for real offenses with the intent of hurting me (at least to some extent) and turn around feel close and loving towards her."
    Think about it: once a punishment is over, the air is clear again. No cold shoulder treatment, no icy silence, no secret grudges, no reproaches weeks and weeks later. Once a punishment is over, the matter is over. The case is closed. You can focus on new stuff. You dont need to worry about it any more.
    Plus: in my experience we all, me included, tend to punish ourselves much harsher than we actually deserve to be punished. Sometimes I tell the man: " I punish you, so you dont have to punish yourself for it. And I decide when you have had enough." And actually this goes both ways. I mean: it does not only mean I am keeping up spanking him despite his pleas to please stop. Sometimes it is the other way: I might as well tell him: "Nope, that`s it. You have suffered enough. That self-blaming and feeling guilty stops right now! Did you hear me?"

    I always am very proud of my man when he has taken a punishment for me and from me. I tell the pretty boy constantly how proud I am of him for being such a good and obedient boy. He had to suffer through some endless corner time recently, and I kept him denied and he did not like that AT ALL. I could tell, it was driving him nuts, but I insisted on it. I wanted him to do it for me. And he did. He is so fucking wonderful when he struggles for me and accepts my discipline.

    Look, the pretty boy, he is around 50, he is taller than I am, stronger, and there is no bondage involved. I am not a danger to him. if he feels threatened, he can just walk away. I could not stop him and I would not stop him. The situation is different from an out of control mother yelling to her family and making her husband cry. I punish him only when I am completely calm. And I do not only punish him, I also apologize when I feel he feels misunderstood. Him and I , we had some sort of an argument /misunderstanding recently. He apologized to me. But a few moments later I apologized to him as well. He made some joke along the line of: "you know, the good thing with being a domme is that you never have to apologize?". But I did apologize to him. And all was good again really fast.

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  4. That sounds good. I'm glad to see an American ("pretty boy") made good. I'm 49, but definitely no pretty boy.

    Ich bin patentanwalt.

    I look forward to continuing to read your blog.

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  5. I do hear people express similar views to this one:

    "Think about it: once a punishment is over, the air is clear again. No cold shoulder treatment, no icy silence, no secret grudges, no reproaches weeks and weeks later. Once a punishment is over, the matter is over. The case is closed. You can focus on new stuff. You dont need to worry about it any more.
    Plus: in my experience we all, me included, tend to punish ourselves much harsher than we actually deserve to be punished."

    Here's the thing with this. Sure, I punish myself harshly for certain things, but they would not necessarily be things a spouse or girlfriend would punish me for (I would be interested to know what you put in that category). Mostly, it's for physical failings (like my weight) or not being good enough at my job. The same things I've hated about myself my whole life.

    If I'm the one getting punished, I will be the one with the grudge, icy silence, etc., unless I really happen to agree that I am "guilty" of some offense. So, the air may be clear for her, but that doesn't mean it is for me, and as I said, I can't let someone hit me 40 times with a belt and then turn around and make nice. At a minimum, I would need to be alone for quite a while to come to grips with it.

    Even on the other side, just because I get spanked doesn't mean that she will necessarily close the case or not harbor a grudge. That really has to be agreed to. It should happen that way, but it doesn't seem guaranteed.

    I've also seen a very fine line between "punishment" and "revenge." Many DD blog stories I have read really feel like the woman getting revenge for being hurt and wanting to take it out physically on the man. I'm not sure where that line gets drawn (and I'm not saying you engage or would ever engage in revenge), but I have a real problem with physical discipline for revenge or so that the punisher will just "feel better."

    I had this same discussion with a professional who does DD in her personal life, and she is expecting to severely punish a man she is with for some transgression if they are to continue to seeing each other. He asked her if she was "looking forward to it" in the sense of getting him back, and she couldn't really say "no." She didn't feel comfortable just saying "yes," but clearly that element was part of it.

    That said, many people obviously don't see this as a problem.

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  6. @anonymous:
    Why am I spending so much time replying to your comments? Because I think you are a perfect teaching tool for many of my readers. Your openness and willingness to understand is noted and appreciated.

    "Sure, I punish myself harshly for certain things, but they would not necessarily be things a spouse or girlfriend would punish me for (I would be interested to know what you put in that category). Mostly, it's for physical failings (like my weight) or not being good enough at my job. The same things I've hated about myself my whole life."

    You are punishing yourself harshly. Let me start by quoting Dr. Phil: "How is it working for you so far?" ;-)

    Tina rule no1: you can't hate yourself thin. It´s physically impossible. You hate that you are overweight, you get angry with yourself, you start telling yourself what an idiot you are for eating so much and not moving enough, yada yada yada.

    And as a result your stress level gets up and your cortisol level gets up. You think about food constantly, you get even hungrier, your body gets in emergency mode and clings even stronger to the weight. It´s a physical/bio-chemical process. You can't fight that.

    My guess is that you are one of the people who lose weight while being on vacation. You may still eat a lot on vacation, but the stress level gets down and you are more relaxed and generally happier. From all I understand of the whole weight loss thing: It is completely counterproductive for some people to increase the stress on themselves in order to lose weight. You are already judging yourself very harshly. There is no need to increase any pressure. The exact opposite might actually help. Be gentle and loving with yourself. Give yourself some slack. Eat what you wanna eat. Eat when you wanna eat. Enjoy every single bit you eat. Eat slowly, chew properly and stop eating as soon as you think "I might be full". If you get hungry 10 min later, start eating again. And stop again as soon as you think: "I might be full now."

    Why am I giving you these weight loss tips? Because they are a symbol of the whole thing I do. I am only punishing and disciplining pretty boy to make his life easier and better. I get turned on by pampering him and being important to him and providing him with some helpful boundaries. I get turned on by him suffering for me, but I don´t get on when he generally suffers. My kind of him suffering is always for a good cause. Either he suffers for me to make himself happier, or he suffers for me to make me happier. And in the best case he suffers to make us both feel wonderful :-)

    You, you are way too strict with yourself. And to all my readers: our anonymous is actually a perfect example of what some of us do. We tend to completely ignore our wonderfulness and focus on our alleged flaws instead. The anonymous mentioned earlier that he is a patent attorney. In order to become a patent attorney in Germany one has to be focused and hard working and smart and one needs to have A LOT of self discipline. You cannot be /become a patent attorney in Germany without a) having a lot of self discipline and b) being a hard working person.

    And what is he doing to himself in his life: he is punishing himself for his alleged lack of exactly the 2 qualities that he actually possesses in larger amounts than most of us mere mortals ;-) Look what he says: "Mostly, it's for physical failings (like my weight) or not being good enough at my job. The same things I've hated about myself my whole life."

    to be continued...

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  7. @anonymous:
    In a loving domestic discipline relationship, I try to come up with custom made punishments for my partner. In your case, I would start by insisting to be the disciplinarian. I understand it scares the hell out of you, but I would not allow for you to stick to your harsh self-punishment routine any second longer. You are way too strict. You can't be trusted to be a fair judge to yourself at the moment! ;-)

    If you are not comfortable with being physically punished by a loving disciplinarian, I would probably start by making you accept my tender, loving care. I have a feeling that this might be harder for you anyway than any corporal punishment could ever be.

    If I caught you doing some (in my opinion!) unfair and harsh self -punishing thing, and even if you only do it mentally, I would tell you to drop whatever you are doing immediately, to come over to me, to kneel down in front of me, and to look me in the eyes. I would then tell you in a firm and calm voice that I dont allow that behavior. That you are in a relationship with me now, that things are different now, that I am taking care of you now. That you are a wonderful human being, that you are loved. I would probably caress your face while talking to you. I would tell you to stop fidgeting and listen to me calmly. I would tell you that I am going to make sure you understand how precious you are. After a while I would ask you: "are you ready to get back to xxx (whatever it was you were doing) now?" And only if you give me a convincing answer, only then would I let you up. We would lather, rinse, and repeat this exercise until you felt safe enough with me to let me do more things with you :-)

    In a way it is a matter of trust. It is your decision if you choose to trust your partner or not.

    I am not interested in petty things like revenge. Not gonna comment on that aspect of your question. I am a big picture person.

    Now go and ponder my words.
    That´s all you get from me as a free initial consultation :-)

    Me, I need to focus on pretty boy now again. He had to work yesterday and I hope to finally spend some more quality time with him today.

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  8. Wow. That answer really caught me off guard. That's awesome. The possibility of doing DD that way changes my perspective a lot.

    I don't lose weight on vacation because I don't take vacations.

    Have fun with pretty boy. I have to go obsess over my deficiencies.;-)

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  9. A couple of thoughts on this exchange: "I dont wanna beat him so brutally and so painfully that he literally breaks down. That is not what I want at all. And I have never done that. I dont wanna break him down. I just want to break through some of his protective walls." I honestly don't know if it is possible to make most men cry through pain alone. Men go to battle and have limbs blown off, and yet don't cry. When they do cry, it almost always seems to be some combination of pain plus genuine remorse, or some other kind of emotional vulnerability. I have personally never been able to get to that point, and I agree that doing it would be a "precious gift," because it represents a level of vulnerability that men rarely allow themselves to get to. I don't mind the term "breaking down," but my preferred term is "surrender." There is good "breaking down" and bad "breaking down." The latter is what the Marines do -- push the person to and beyond their limits, breaking them down and then building them into a stronger, higher performance version of themselves. The latter involves breaking someone and leaving them there and it usually involves doing it against their will.

    "Look, the pretty boy, he is around 50, he is taller than I am, stronger, and there is no bondage involved. I am not a danger to him. if he feels threatened, he can just walk away. I could not stop him and I would not stop him."

    Your quote gets at what I really don't understand about the haters, those who can't just accept that something isn't "their cup of tea" or their preferred kind of cheesecake: These relationships are consensual. Most of the time they are initiated and continued by the men. If they weren't getting what they want out of this, or if it was something they themselves find abusive, they can always walk away. Now, some men like it to *feel* non-consensual in order to magnify the sense that it is real punishment, but the reality is that few if any of them can say it is really non-consensual because, as you say, they are bigger and stronger than their wives and walk away from it any time they want. This is why it has taken me a while to get comfortable with M/f DD relationships, because in that dynamic there IS some risk that it is not fully consensual, though I've had to learn through interacting with women in that lifestyle that many come to it for the same reason the men come to F/m DD.

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