I avoided so far to write about some caning "activities" that went on between Gregory and I. I avoided talking about it because it had shaken me up quite a bit.
As far as bdsm is concerned, Gregory is an experienced guy. He has seen and done a lot. He has been submissive to some beautiful dominatrixes. He has even trained women to become a pro domme. And he has a high pain tolerance when it comes to corporal punishment.
Me, I am doing this thing we do more on an emotional, domestic level. I have never been to kinky parties, places etc. It´s more of a very intimate and personal thing for me. I dont think much about implements. I dont have any specific spanking implements and I just improvise. For instance, I spanked a man with the belt he was wearing at the time, and I spanked another man with a wooden kitchen spoon that was within my reach.
Generally speaking, I dont strive to reach the man through pain but through emotions. I am however more than willing to give him what he needs; I want him to be happy and fulfilled and with his needs satisfied. Seeing him happy and content makes me happy and content. If Gregory needs or wants or craves a severe caning, I am theoretically looking forward to provide him with one. That´s all cool with me.
However, in practice, I pretty much messed up in NY.
One evening I gave him a caning. Or, to be more specific: I tried to give him a caning, lol.
Whatever I did, nothing seemed to be right. And he is not even denying that.
He thinks of caning as an art. Something that has to be done with knowledge and artistry. Something that needs to be practiced in order to be executed with perfection and precision.
And me, even just writing these words, my little girl mind completely shuts down and I am thinking in a pouting way: "Nooooooo, I don`t wanna do that. I don`t want to practice and learn and practice."
Really, I dont wanna practice a caning. I can't even fully explain why I am so overreacting here. I think it is because it triggers old wounds. I fell completely in a thinking of: "I am not good enough. And what I am doing is not good enough. "
Gregory gave me some advice on how to improve the caning strokes. But I had problems to take his advice. He once said to me: "You want me to shut up? I will shut up. And I will suffer for you. If that´s what you want. Only, I am telling you, it´s not a good feeling for me at all."
In his job, he does something that I think is very very very cool. I highly admire him for having the job he is having. It takes an incredible amount of dedication and self-discipline, to work in the area he is working in. I am enjoying every moment he is sharing some of his professional wisdom with me. I am his willing student as far as everything related to his job is concerned.
But I just don `t want to be his student as far as the kink is concerned. I just cannot do that. Really, I tried. I tried to be easy about it and relaxed and open and willing to learn from him. But it is very very difficult for me.
I do understand him, he needs the feeling that the woman who is caning his ass is actually knowing what she does. Especially considering the high intensity strokes he is craving, it´s among else a matter of safety for him and his pretty body.
And at the level he is playing, I dont know what I am doing. I was constantly worried to hurt him in a not good way, and I sometimes did.
Don't get me wrong here, things between Gregory and I are fine. We have a million things we can do together and enjoy doing together. I just blame myself for being so dramatic with the whole caning thing.