Saturday, July 23, 2016

sadness

I am feeling super sad today. Today is the first day in many days that I actually have time for myself. It has been a stressful week with lots of financial and emotional drama in my life. I have been calming and comforting tons of people in the last couple of days. I felt good because my private life with Gregory gave me something to enjoy. And when I am feeling good, I can pretty much console and help everyone who wants me to. I supported a woman who was beaten up by her husband, I represented a friend in a criminal case, I went with a client to financial negotiations with a bank, I listened endlessly to my mother expressing her feelings because I knew it would make her feel better, I saw client after client, I spoke with doctors, lawyers, husbands, colleagues and and and.

But today is a day where I need to be comforted myself.

Gregory is still sleeping, due to the time difference. I can't blame him for not comforting me. He does not even know yet how I am feeling today. I am sure he is going to be there for me when I am telling him how I am feeling. 

But to be honest, I am scared that he can't catch me emotionally today. In my experience, generally speaking, the people I let in my life are rarely able to deal with a sad Tina. Me being sad and overwhelmed and feeling blue seems to shaken up the whole system. And Gregory has to face own challenges at the moment.

I had an intense vanilla conversation/discussion with Gregory recently. And he more or less told me that he does not share my seemingly somewhat naive optimism in regards to some vanilla problems we are facing. He probably thinks I am too naive and not understanding/seeing reality. But nothing could be further from the truth. I am well aware of reality. 

I tend to be optimistic and positive, I actually choose intentionally to be optimistic and positive, because for me being optimistic is essential to function. Sometimes, for instance,  my financial fear gets so huge, it literally freezes me and makes me pretty much paralyzed. And being in that state is not helpful for me at all. I need to be flexible and creative and courageous and emotional open in order to find solutions for the challenges I am facing in my life. I try to avoid these situations where I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And being optimistic and focusing on the positive is my approach of dealing with the challenging reality. 

Today though, I am the one who needs and wants to be comforted. I need other people to tell me that things are gonna be ok. That everything is working out for me. That good things are on my way and that I am valued and valuable.

7 comments:

  1. I'm not sure you're too interested in what I have to say at this point, but on the off chance it helps, I will mention something that helps me a lot with some of the issues you describe. It's called "mindfulness meditation."

    Because of the high-stress nature of my work, I have experienced being overwhelmed at times where I need to perform well quite a bit. I'm also pursuing a second career that involves making yourself very vulnerable in front of large groups of strangers, which can be difficult. This technique has helped quite a bit.

    There is a mindfulness meditation teacher named Jon Kabat-Zinn who wrote a book called "Full Catastrophe Living." It teaches you how to do the technique. He started a clinic at a hospital in Massachusetts for patients who had physical illnesses brought on by stress.

    It helped me alot, and I am most definitely not an optimist, so it should work at least as well for someone who is.

    Remember also, feelings are not facts.

    I would think there would be an inherent challenge in seeking comfort when you are the dominant partner in a DD relationship, but that's merely my speculation. It just seems like an abrupt switching of roles, which strikes me as something that would be difficult.

    Good luck,
    James

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks James, That was a helpful comment.
    I had heard of Jon Kabat-Zinn already, had not listened to his talks yet though. Saw a 90 min video today. Liked it.
    On a side note: what on earth are you doing in your second career? (I'm also pursuing a second career that involves making yourself very vulnerable in front of large groups of strangers)
    Sounds like something I could be great at ;-)
    As for the dd aspects you brought up: will probably write about it at a later point of time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm not sure if my response to this ever came through or you decided not to publish it. The "second career" is in entertainment, and it takes a long time to even modestly succeeed. I'd prefer not to end my life as a practicing (or at least full-time) practicing lawyer, so I'm trying to transition into something that is more creatively fulfilling.

    If you liked the Kabat-Zinn video, get "Full Catastrophe Living." It has really helped me a lot (even during discipline scenes!).

    ReplyDelete
  4. @James:
    I did not censor anything, lol. I think your comment just did not get through to me, for whatever technical reasons.

    The "second career" is in entertainment, and it takes a long time to even modestly succeed." you do realize that the second part of that statement is a limiting believe? Just saying ;-)

    You want to be creative as a lawyer? open your own law firm ;-) I am telling you, I hear all sorts of stories and I need to be creative 24/7. Just today, I was counseling a client against an action of eviction. tenancy law, nothing spectacular. All was pretty ok, when suddenly the client and his girl friend told me, that the girl friend had been tortured in an iranian prison for 3 years. The woman started to get teary eyes, the man was visibly shaken and I had no clue how to deal with traumatized torture victims. it was super intense. I comforted them both as much as possible.

    Will probably have a look at "full catastrophe living". Thanks for the recommendation.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think when I post from my iPhone, it doesn't always go through. Not just on this blog but on others.

    I have my own firm. I opened it in 2009. Actually, being [a good] patent lawyer involves a lot of creativity, but a different kind.

    That's just the truth of it with the second career [it's really my third as I was a practicing engineer for 7 years]. I'm progressing fine, especially given that I started so late in life (when I was 47), but everyone I admire and try to emulate took at least a decade to really make it. I'm also generally competing with people in their 20s, but I have been able to strike up friendships with them and get their respect.

    I'm OK with the time frame because [for the most part] I'm enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination. As I did with law, I'm just trying to get good at it, and I find when I do that, things tend to fall into place.

    James

    ReplyDelete
  6. @James: In that case, Mr. successful lawyer, send me an $20 amazon gift card and I will buy the full catastrophe living book with it. It will feel like you gave that book to me if we do it like that. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I didn't say I was successful. I just said I have my own firm, which means my boss is a jerk ;-)

    ReplyDelete