Tuesday, September 20, 2016

what am I thinking ;-)

Lady Grey brought up a very good question:

"I know I have changed my behavior towards Gregory. I used to be fearless and bold. But now I am always double checking: "is this ok for you too?" It takes away all of my dominance".
Yes indeed, it does take away all of your dominance, and it's hard to know why you're accepting that since you also say:
"But I already told Gregory that I wont give up the kink (again). I am older now, and I know better what I want, and I know what makes me happy. And the kink is an important part of my personality".
I think the question she and many of my readers are asking themselves is:  what on earth am I thinking ;-) 

I can report that I am indeed thinking a lot. My brain is constantly working. And sometimes I am just thinking too much. And I guess this is one of the reasons that led to the strange situation between Gregory and me.

Generally speaking: I don`t believe in female supremacy. I don`t believe that women are generally better or smarter or better leaders than men. 

As far as the kink goes, I am not interested in role play or dressing up or costumes or leather and latex. I just get turned on by the idea that a loving and caring woman, in order to give her partner some needed and valuable guidance, uses domestic discipline and kink to bring him back on track. Domestic discipline, as I see and love it, is a caring and loving act.

I am a lawyer in my daily life. I counsel and guide people all day long. I give advice constantly. I am a bit of a know it all ;-) And from a young age on, I have helped tons of couples to save their relationships. I don`t want to sound too arrogant, but I am really good at understanding other peoples problems and I often see solutions and win win situations where other people don`t see them.

In the past, I loved domestic discipline moments when I thought I know something that the guy does, for some reason, not know or understand yet. Like: "I make the decision, I know what´s good for you". Eg: sending him to be early, because he needs his sleep. 

Another scenario that always worked for me was: Guy does something really dumb, we both know he did something stupid, and in order to move on and let the stupid deed behind us he gets punished.
Eg: sending him to bed early because he keeps texting and driving. 

One thing that also always worked for me was punishing the guy for a real life thing he had done, in order to stop him from punishing himself for it. Like: "I am the only one who is allowed to punish you. That self-punishing thing stops immediately. You are way to hard on yourself" 

Domestic discipline has also always been a great tool for me to confront the guy and to tell him: "Stop it. I am not happy about it/your behavior". 
I have to face so many confrontations in my business life, I just don`t want to have them in my private life . In my private life I try to avoid confrontations. But on the other hand: sometimes a confrontation is necessary. For me, in my line of thinking, domestic discipline was a great way to address issues, without actually arguing about it. I could let the guy know that I did not like something, without actually causing an argument. I could let him know that I did not like his behavior but that I still like him very much.

This was pretty much the situation in the past.
Then there was a paradigm shift in my life and in my thinking. I suddenly understood that most likely I do not know what is best for other people. I learned to focus on me and I learned to trust that other people are able to solve their own problems , even without me ;-) I had to learn that it is  not my job to save the world. I understood that every person on this planet has his or her own challenges and tasks to master. And that it is impossible for me or anybody else to "carry" a person over such a task. I had to accept that I can't save anybody from anything. Not even with the power of my love.

In addition to that: Right from the beginning Gregory told me that it would be really hard and difficult for him if I punished him for a real life thing. He said: "If I mess up in real life, I feel already terrible. And if I get punished for it by you, I will probably feel even worse."

Plus: Gregory is a super sound and responsible guy. He is dedicated to his family obligations and to his job. And he showers me with affection. Just today, for instance, he spent over an hour teaching me with endless patience  some -for me- new drawing techniques.

He makes sure I know where I stand with him. I never doubted even for a second that he thinks I am awesome. (well, lol, I actually am awesome in real life. It´s really hard not to like me ;-)  )

So, when he did not write that first writing assignment, I thought among else:
-he might have his reasons for it
-I dont know what´s best for him anyway
-he doesn't see it as a problem, maybe I am making a big thing out of nothing

But my "overlooking "it made the situation worse. I felt hurt and foolish. And I did not know how to address the situation. And him not writing the following 2 writing assignments either did not exactly help ;-)

We did however finally sort everything out. How? That is something I am gonna write about in my next post ;-)


  1. Thank you for your very interesting explanation of what you're seeking in a domestic discipline relationship. I'd be hard pressed to call it a D/s relationship in the usual definition of the terms, but if it suits you and Gregory, then that's really all that matters. I'll be interested to learn what you did to "sort everything out", and hopefully Gregory will finally write those lines:)

    1. The short answer is: we love each other. There are sooooo many vanilla "coincidences" in our life that make both him and I think: "we are meant for each other." Our foundation is stable. All is good.

  2. I think, a domestic discipline relation should comprise a set of protocols
    which best fits the relation of two unique persons.
    So I think it makes no sense to copy a dd relation of another couple,
    it may not give the same level of satisfaction of that couple.
    There are many couples who have no dd relations, and it works perfectly well
    for them. So a relation can be perfect without being a dd relation.
    But there are people who have this wish or kink, to dominate or being dominated and in a DD relation you try to find a way to control that kink or wish.
    So that could be done by just playing scenarios : teahcer - student, auntie nephew. It could be done by setting up a framework of rules which will result
    in a penalty in case of breaking those rules.
    It could also be done by just weekly maintenance spankings.
    There is no best way, it only counts what fits best in your relation.


    1. Thanks appie. Your comment was very helpful for me!

  3. Hi Tina,

    Interesting post and I think what you say makes a huge amount of sense. I particularly liked the idea of being punished for punishing myself, or rather to stop me doing that. As a submissive male (domestically, not in a slave way, etc), I feel a lot of shame and inferiority – as sense of 'not being a proper man'. So if my disciplinarian takes control of my feelings, or rather my attitude to my feelings, it is a huge gift and support. In this respect I am the opposite of your guy, but to be honest, I don't think he will be able to let go and let you punish him for real things until your DD dynamic is settled and embedded in his daily life – i.e. until you guys are living together. In my experience, it is almost impossible to relax my ego and lean on my disciplinarian’s authority unless we are together daily or almost daily. In the meantime though, you can of course continue to build trust through sharing time and history, and through ritual and habitual disciplinary behaviours.

    By the way, can I ask a question regarding dressing up – since you said you do not do it. Part of my coping mechanism for life (and now a sort of submissive comforter and way to surrender), is that I grew up with a craving to be made to wear diapers as a punishment. If you had a guy like me, would you accept that and diaper him when you wanted to punish him, or would that count as dress up to you? I ask because I know, for me, it would send me a powerful message of what my disciplinarian thinks of my behaviour - as well as making me physically feel 'protected' and held by her (which is how diapers make me feel), so wondered if you could understand that or if it is too fetish dress up like?

  4. Hey TM Andred, as always, we do understand each other :-)

    re the diapers: Why do you even ask? ;-)
    Sure, if it worked with/for the guy, I would not hesitate to use diapers.
    I once was courted by a man who was very much into diapers and mohair pullover. We spoke about it in length and (I think) I do understand how and why the diapers can work :-)
    I like to give the man that feeling that the diapers give you. Thinking about it, at the moment it is not always that easy for me to give that feeling to Gregory, because (afaik) he does not have a fetish like that. From a domme´s point of view: such a fetish makes things much easier ;-)