Saturday, February 4, 2017

my feelings

Gregory asked me a few days ago: "Do you wanna go to a concert with me on October 23rd?" 

I had not expected that question at all, October is far, far away, but my spontaneous answer was "Yes, sure. I `d love to go there with you." 

He replied: "Ok, I will get tickets"

This was pretty much the end of that conversation. Nothing spectacular, you might think. Why is she even writing about this, you might ask yourselves. *smile

But for me, the beauty of that conversation lies in the fact that he is making long-term plans with me. I just LOVE that fact! 

October is 8 months away, I usually do not plan 4 weeks ahed ;-)
I am very spontaneous and intuitive. I tend to follow my gut and I think I am able to adapt to new situations easily. And I am a bit of a free spirit. 

I am also a very loyal person though. When I was a kid, my father was not always there for me. He was distracted by women and drama in his life. I missed him and thought of him often, but only saw him seldom. It felt like I was not important enough. It felt like everything else is more urgent than spending time with me. 

At the end of my father´s life though, out of the 4 kids he had with 3 women, I was the only kid who had still contact with him, supported him and wished him well.
Taking care of people and being there for them comes very naturally for me. 

But being taken care of, and cherished, and seen as important by a man, that is still something unfamiliar for me. I guess it is not always easy for Gregory to deal with these facets of my personality. On the one hand I am dominant and tough and I know exactly what I want and how to do/get it. And on the other hand there is this  small, timid, little girl in me that is asking silently: "Really? you really care about ME? You really think I am important?"

For me it is important to not be a burden to somebody. I do have my wants and needs, but if I think these needs are a burden to the other person, I tend to withdraw myself immediately. To a degree it is very easy for me to open up emotionally. I can easily share my dreams, wishes, hopes, kinks, wants and needs etc with other people. 

But sometimes when I do that, and when the other person does not jump immediately into "Sure, I am going to fulfil your needs right away - mode", I tend to develop this attitude of "fuck you, I dont need you. Your rejection does not mean anything to me. Reject me as much as you want, I am able to do my own stuff anyway".

It´s a childish way of dealing with things, I know. But hey, this is just what I am sometimes doing. I am just being honest with you :-)

One of these situations happened a little while ago. I was staying at Gregory´s house, I was horny, I wanted this great man for myself, wanted to play with him, wanted to touch him, wanted to watch him, wanted to start a scene with him.

But he was busy or not in the mood for it, or my timing was bad, or whatever. The gist of it was: I wanted to do kinky things but it did not happen.

And all these feelings of being not good enough, not important enough,  got triggered in me. It felt like: The things I am offering to him are not good enough. I am not good enough.

I said to him: "You know what, let´s just end doing kink. Let´s just giving up the kink. Let´s just have a vanilla relationship."

He stayed calm though and replied: "Tina, don`t do this. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." His calmness was very reassuring to me. It helped me to understand that old feelings got triggered, that I was feeling "old pain", that he was not rejecting me at all.

We went on with the day, and only a little while later I got a chance to spank his pretty butt. Which -of course- I very much liked to do. He has the most spankable butt you can imagine ;-)


  1. In an ideal world, our partners would match our moods and desires exactly, to the minute. And subs would anticipate our needs before we were aware of them ourselves. :)
    But it's not an ideal world and I think it's safe to say that we all feel as you did at times; unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, all because someone else felt differently than we did at a given moment. Childish? Perhaps. But also human. The important thing is you worked through it, moved forward (and spanked his bottom!).
    Enjoy the concert. And enjoy the anticipation of it. Sometimes long range plans are good. :)

  2. Seems like you two have something special going. Having been married for more than four decades, I can pretty much promise you, this won't be the last time you are out of sync. True love requires patience and understanding.

  3. This is a really interesting post. For me, it highlighted the fact that when you get wrapped up in kink (and it can be extremely addictive/obsessive), you sometimes see people as one-dimensional when they are not.

    I've gotten to know a woman who is very dominant, and if you are in trouble with her, you will feel her wrath acutely.

    However, there are times where I want to be comforting, encouraging, and nurturing toward her or do favors for her, anything I can. I don't want anything in return. Doing those sorts of things just makes me feel connected to her, which I really like.

    I think I always equated her dominance with a toughness, insensitivity, and thick skin such that these types of gestures would not be appreciated.

    I was wrong. It's still a little odd because it's almost like she's two people to me at times: the tough dominant one, and the woman who wants to know she is appreciated and cared for. I tend to follow her lead and see which mode she's in.

    Nothing about that should truly be surprising because people are multi-dimensional, but on a gut level, I was reluctant to show that appreciation or caring because her dominance made me think it would not be appreciated. I'm glad I pushed through that reluctance. I've gotten to know her much better, and feel very fortunate to know her.


  4. Hi

    Reading this post I came to the conclusion that I would love to share with you a fabulous video by Teal Swan. Please start watching it even if you don't understand at first why I'm sending it to you; it absolutely does talk about some of the things you mention here in a way that will surprise you and you might learn a lot from it.

  5. Sorry, I forgot the video link

  6. @all:
    Sorry for not writing a proper reply to you all. I very much appreciate your comments. It has just been a super hectic time for me recently and I did not find the time to answer each one seperately. I guess to do it now would be a bit late. Therefore: Your comments have been read and I liked getting them a lot. Thank you very much :-)