Friday, March 17, 2017

Gregory and the big take away

In December 2010 I wrote a post that adresses a topic that is still very much on my mind. It is still very much what I think:

Over the holidays I have been reading many blogs on domestic discipline. Very interesting stuff... And one big question came to my mind:
How is it possible to get over my self-doubts?
Or in other words: Is it possible to be in a dd relationship and still have self-doubts?
To me, it looks as being a dominant woman in a domestic discipline relationship calls for the woman to be free of any fear that the man could actually end the relationship. Somehow these women on other F/m blogs seem to be able to believe that the men will stay in the relationship, even if the demands of the women are really hard to accept for the men.
I am in love with my man. Therefore I don`t want him to end the relationship. And no, he has not done/said/made/anything to give me reason to believe he wants to break up. And neither did I.
I am only discussing a theoretical question, that most likely has its source in my childhood.
Both Lady Grey and Ms Marie have written about "the big take away". Banning the man for good from the one thing he loves the most. (Hunting, soccer, business, you name it...) And the response from the men involved and from the readers of the blogs has generally been overwheming good. There is no doubt, that it is hot to read about it. The fantasy is amazing.
But me, in reality, I think I would not have the guts to resort to such intense and drastic means. "The big take away" is not some game. It is not something to turn the man on. It is not meant to give him pleasure. It is hard on him. He will hate it. He will not be pleased.
And the idea that the man will be pissed off... and pissed off with me...somehow throws me off balance.
Add to these points the fact that the men we are taking about are usually real alpha males, surrounded by beautiful women who are only waiting to please them, only waiting to start a relationship with them....
I am just not sure if I would dare to tell the man I love to chose between me and the thing he loves the most...

Well, my dear readers, I can report that Gregory had the honor of experiencing the feeling of having a huge thing taken away. And he did not like it at all. And neither did I. I am writing this post in order to process my feelings. It still makes me cringe to think at that day.

It all started completely harmless. He was in Germany to visit me. It was his first trip to Germany ever and he wanted to dive into the german culture and the german way of living.

We drove to the big city, about 3 hours from where I live. Gregory did the driving, while I relaxed and enjoyed his presence. The deal was that he would drive to the city and I would drive back, so that he could drink some alcohol and enjoy himself in the city. Me, I never drink. It just does not do anything for me. So in theory, it sounded like a good plan.

The moment where I fucked up was probably right in the beginning, by not telling him that it stresses me to drive through or out of that city. I prefer if he does that sort of driving. But I did not tell him explicitely "I want you to drive back also" because I sort of understood that he wants to have a drink or two in the big city. And I really wanted him to have a good time.

On the way to the city, Gregory was so cute, he enjoyed driving on the german Autobahn and he was having fun, I think. So he said to me: "Tina, you know what, I will drive back also."

And I was super relieved and said: "Really? that´s awesome. Yes, please do the driving back home too."

But when we were in the city, he had a few beers and I started to think: "Damn, if he is drinking now I need to do the driving home myself."

I did not adress it right away. I think I could/should have at least asked him: "Hey, arent you gonna drive back? "

On that day, there was an interesting soccer game on, and Gregory had told me all day that he wanted to watch that game in a sports bar. So we ended up in a nice place with a lot of tv´s and we were watching the game together.

At one point I told him: "kiss me" and he did, even though he is not much into making out in public;-)

It was all a bit chaotic in the sports bar, because the bar, as so many places in Germany still, did not accept credit cards, and neither Gregory nor I did bring much cash. For a little while he was depending on my cash. Which was a very unusual situation for him, because Gregory is one of the most generous men I know.

He had ordered a beer and when he wanted to order another one I asked him: "Are you still ok to drive?"
He said: yes.
I asked him again:  "Really? Are you really sure?"
He said: "yes, I am. If you dont believe me, you can do the driving."
And I said something along the line of: "I dont wanna do the driving. I just want to be sure that you are still ok to drive. How am I supposed to know whether you are still fit to drive or not."

In my private life, I have zero experience with alcohol and how much one can drink. That´s why I wanted to be reassured by him. I did not want to drive back myself. I wanted him to drive. 

His behavior triggered some fear in me. I felt helpless and out of control. He was the one who had suggested to drive back home too, and now he suddenly wanted me to drive again? I did not want him to have another beer because I was afraid that then he would not be fit to drive anymore.

He felt limited and controlled by my behavior and questions and so he said to me provocatively: "You know what,  let´s pay and go. Let´s go right away. Let´s go right in the middle of the soccer game that I have been wanting to see all day." He stood up and went to the bathroom.

And I, I stood up too, went to the counter and payed. He returned from the bathroom, saw that I had actually payed, and we left the sports bar in icy silence, while the other guests where jeering on his team.

We walked silently to the subway, took the subway to the parkingplace where our car was parked, argued a bit and then he drove back home. It was a terrible drive home. I had a bad feeling in my stomach. And I guess he was not feeling good either.

My behavior had triggered some fear in him too. He later told me that he had been thinking something along the line of: " If only I had cash with me, or if only they accepted my credit card, I would have stayed there and done what I wanted to do, and maybe taken a train back home or a cab or something. It is not ok for any woman to treat me like that. I am my own man. I dont limit her and she has no right to limit me either."

When we were in my town again, he made clear that he expects an apology from me. From his point of view I had intentionally and without any good reason limited him from some harmless and well deserved fun. It was his first time in Germany. The super interesting game was on. He had only wanted to do what thousands of german men had done on that day too. Watch the FULL game and have a beer while doing that. He thought I had completely abused my power. On that day, due to outer circumstances, he was depending on me. It was my car, my cash, my language that was spoken and we were in my country.

He was royally pissed at me.

And me, I felt royally hurt.
My goal was not to limit him in any way, sort or form. My goal was to get back home safely without having to do the driving. I felt unfairly accused. The whole mess only started because I WANTED him to have fun.

From my point of view: If at least I had bossed him around intentionally, if at least I had had fun being mean and making him suffer. But in reality I was trying to make sure both of our needs were met. And the result was that we both were pretty unhappy.


  1. Very interesting post. My wife irrationally worries I might leave when she punishes me or stops me from doing something I like. We discuss these issues frequently. I don't believe that the so-called mistresses on line are real if they claim to have no fear about enforcing non-sexual rules.

    In my opinion the key is to disregard the fear and do what you know is right. Maybe one day you'll stop worrying so much.

    1. yes, lol, that is what he usually tells me: "you worry too much"

      and: I do agree, I need to do what I think is right.

  2. Thank you for sharing, Tina.

    I do feel a bit that this was a little bit separate from the big takeaway. A theme that might pertain to the situation you described would be prohibiting him from drinking.

    There are a few aspects of the story that you recounted that jump out at me in regards to the topic at hand. One of them is that while you had defined feelings, you also refrained from communicating them directly when you had them. As perceptive as some men may be, they aren't perfect mind-readers.

    The second is that by not making those expectations clear, it allowed for your expectations of the situation to diverge from his expectation.
    His plan:
    -Watch soccer.
    -Have fun.

    Your revised plan:
    -Avoid having to drive.
    -Keeping him from drinking too much.

    Had you made him concisely aware of how you felt on those topics it would have given him time to adjust his own expectations that would have harmonized with your own.
    Possible revised expectations on his part:
    -Watch soccer.
    -Have 0-2 beers.
    -Have fun.
    -Drive home.

    As you have described Gregory, I'm sure he would have happily agreed to your plan revisions.

    D/s functions best with clear expectations. If you avoid stating those expectations but expect him to adjust it becomes passive-aggressive confusion that leads to ugliness in most situations, both vanilla and D/s. I'm not a fan of how he responded before going to the bathroom, but he was likely feeling defensive.

    Keep in mind that the more assertive and forthcoming you are with what you want, the easier it is for him to respond in the way that you want him to. Basically, by showing dominance it will bring out his submission.

    I hope this makes sense.

    Take care, Tina.

    1. Fur, as always, thank you for your input.

  3. Miss Tina;
    I agree with fur's comments. You can never have too much conversation, making absolutely clear what your expectations are. And that's true of any relationship, D/s or otherwise.
    Personally, I find the idea of a "take away" extremely arousing. BUT, it depends entirely on the context. Being denied an activity I had looked forward to would excite me, especially if it was the result of my poor behaviour (and something I could do at a later date). Being denied something into which I had invested considerable time and money and only had one chance at would anger me.
    Negotiating these things before hand definitely eliminates a lot of the spontaneity and even undermines a little bit of the Domme's authority but it also prevents huge misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and damaging the relationship. And quite frankly, Gregory has to share some blame, too. He offered to drive back, he should have severely limited his alcohol consumption. Drinking and driving is not something to ever fool with, under any circumstances. If he knew or even thought he wanted a few drinks, he should have discussed that with you before even getting in the car in the first place. Always have a backup plan.
    That said, it's done and over. Lessons learned, move forward. Stop beating yourself up. Gregory is still one-in-a-million fortunate to have found a dominant woman who cares for him and wants to make the D/s relationship work for both.

    1. FL, thank you for your comforting words. :-)