Sunday, April 30, 2017

public displays of affection, kisses, and outsourcing of severe canings

Things between Gregory and me are getting more and more serious. Serious in a very good way. I met his family, he met my family, both of our families "approve" of the partner, we spent some time together in a different country and Gregory and I also had some professional success together.
We see each other quite regulary,  and talk/text daily. Things are good in my life :-)

I love touching Gregory. Always and everywhere. I think he is still a bit uncomfortable with my public displays of affection, but he is getting more and more used to it. As soon as he is within my reach, I usually reach over and touch him. I just want to feel him and feel connected with him. I have explored and touched his whole body many times, and I love his pretty body. Touching this man is something that never ceases to bring me happiness and pleasure.

And something wonderful has happened: Gregory somehow found a way to teach me the joy of kissing. In the past I had a reputation for not kissing at all. When a man wanted to kiss me, I always declined. I thought it just does not do anything for me. I was convinced that kissing is just not my thing. But now, with Gregory, I am the one who is constantly initiating deep and wonderful kisses. Kissing him is just amazing :-)

"Fur sissy" wote a very interesting post a little while ago. Titled: "My Thoughts on D/s and Depression". You can find the link HERE. He wrote among else: "D/s is my sanctuary because it carves new tablets for me to focus on.  Her (the woman´s) happiness is what matters.  her will is what matters.  These newly carved words bury the old and silence their ache.  When my depression kicks up, the demons are barely an annoyance.  I don't care what they have to say because she (the woman) is all that matters.  D/s is my anti-depressant.  It is my source of meaning.  It is what saves my soul."

I commented on his post and said: 
"Fur, Your posts recently trigger some difficult stuff in me. 
From my perspective it feels like the job is too difficult for the dominant woman. I tend to be one of these persons who give and give and give in order to get love and to be "seen". And in my relationships I had often situations where the submissive man was depressed and looked for me for directions. I always jumped into it. He was completely focused on me. I enjoy being the helper, the rescuer, but there often comes a point when I realize: I dont get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back. And I hate these moments. I feel like a fool, I feel needy and unloved.
The power you give the woman (or dream of giving the woman) scares me. It is impossible for any human being to save another person. I know what I am talking about, I have tried that sooooo many times....And from my point of view, the ideal that you are describing sets the woman up for failure. I mean, what are the chances of her getting through to you that you actually ARE loved and valued?"

Lady Grey read my comment and gave some helpful advise:
Tina - Do you feel that you are a naturally dominant woman? If not, I can easily see why you feel as though being in that role is just too hard. At least 90% of the responsibility for the success of a Femdom relationship lies in the hands of the female. There is just no getting around this. If one is naturally dominant, it's much, much easier to accept and deal with this responsibility. If you are not naturally dominant, it's virtually impossible to stand such "pressure" for long periods of time. I think it's important to examine one's self in light of this difference. 
How would you classify yourself? How would you classify your sub? If you are a natural dominant (and I think that you feel that you are), it will be very hard to take on all that responsibility with a sub who is not naturally submissive. You will not get the feedback you need and deserve for your efforts if you're dealing with a person without your commitment to the dynamic. That would inevitably lead to frustration and/or depression on your part. As you say "...there often comes a point when I realize I don't get enough back. There is no reciprocity between what I give and what I receive back." So it becomes very important that you also examine the nature of the submissive with whom you are dealing. Much of the problem may lie right there. Before you beat yourself up too much, take a close look at the basic nature of the person you're dealing with. It just might clarify things a bit. No one wants or needs to operate in a vacuum, and that certainly holds true for a Femdom.

I pondered Lady Grey´s words for a while now. Would have been very helpful for me to have heard these words years and years ago already;-)

Yes, I feel that I am a naturally dominant woman. I am also a woman who loves to care for and nurture her man. Already when I opened this blog in 2010 I wrote: "I am looking for a man who is independent in real life, someone who is willing and able to commit to our relationship. A man who does not expect me to be the ruthless dominatrix 24/7 but who is nevertheless accepting that I am in charge. If there is- in my oppinion- need for a punishment, the guy has to have the ability to come to terms with everything I administer. Spankings, corner time, writing lines, doing chores, early bed times, orgasmus denial, scolding, humiliating or any other punishment  might be in store for him. Someone who wants to get both my love and my correction."

Generally speaking: I want submission as a gift. I dont want the man to "play" anything for me. I am not into role play. I dont want submission out of pitty. And I dont wanna force a man into submission. I want him to want it. And I want him to submit to me freely and willingly.

I tried to find out where Gregory stands when it comes to dominance and submission. We had a heated conversation about it. He had found my blog, this in itself shows that we share some interests ;-) But:  In my opinion he is into different aspects of bdsm than I am.  

*I like to be called "ma `am" , he thinks that is silly. (Gregory, if you are reading this:  lol, I know it is silly. But still, it is hot for me ;-) )

*I want to have a female led relationship, he wants kink only once in a while.

*He sees caning as some form of art. In his eyes it is something that needs to be done with skill and knowledge and artistry. Me, I dont care at all about any art aspect in it. For me it is all about the mental element. This is one of the reasons why punishment lines work so well for me too. Gregory however is mostly interested in the pain. 

I had caned a guy before and it went well. I tried to cane Gregory once or twice or maybe even three times, but it was not something that neither one of us enjoyed too much. I am just not skilled enough in it for him. And once he started to teach me how to cane him, I became all defensive and shut down emotionally. This led to him feeling that it is "unsafe" for him to let me cane him. Gregory telling me that he feels "unsafe" with me made feel sad, which led to him feeling like he cannot share his feelings with me... and in the end it was all a big emotional mess.

And the caning situation stressed me. I told him: "Gregory, if you really want and need a severe and properly executed caning, feel free to go and see a professional dominatrix. I dont want to prevent you from having your needs met. You deserve to get what you want. I know I did not deliver and I dont want to be in your way."

For a while it seemed to me like we are getting turned on by completely different things. I was pretty much at loss on how to proceed and what to do.  

Both Gregory and I could feel however that our relationship is worth fighting for.
That´s why we focused on the vanilla aspects of our relationship for a while. We both felt like: "let´s not rock the boat" for a while. I think that was a smart thing to do. By focusing on the vanilla aspects we were able to get to know each other better. We were able to build up even more trust. We were able to understand each other even more.

I saw Gregory just a few days ago. We spent a very good time together. We both enjoyed our time together immensly. We love each other and being together with him makes me happy.  

Life is good!


  1. Thank you for sharing with us, Tina. I did write a full blog post as a follow up to some of the questions you posed in your comments.

    What I'm going to write here is meant to be constructive from a standpoint of unbiased observation. Feel free to disagree with me, it's just some things to think about based upon what you have shared.

    First off is that Gregory seems more like a BDSM-submissive while you are looking more for an FLR-style lifestyle submission. That is a pretty big gap to bridge but I hope you can find a way.

    Another aspect that comes to mind is that your reaction to my post that you linked, your paragraph of submission as a gift, and the differences in how you and Gregory view submission make things a little bit murky. If someone submits completely it is too much pressure. If someone only wants to submit on their own terms it is not enough. Your own view falls somewhere in between, but you don't want their submission to depend upon dominance.

    It is true that a submissive does not always need dominance to feel submissive. But the depth of how submissive they feel at any given time works heavily in response to the present dynamics. This state can be controlled by increasing or decreasing dominance in order to achieve the desirable level of their submissive feelings. This is part of maintenance and control. A sub will not always reach your desired level of submission on his own. If they aren't "submissive enough" at a given time, it isn't bad or wrong to apply some pressure to get him there, nor does it make someone a less ideal submissive by needing that every once in a while.

    Similarly, as a sub I know that she will not always feel confident or dominant all the time. Part of the sub's role is to keep up with care, love, and attention so that her self-esteem and confidence stay in good shape. Maintenance happens in both directions and from both parties.

    Just keep these things in mind.

    Lastly, you may want to talk about this part after giving it some thought:
    "And the caning situation stressed me. I told him: "Gregory, if you really want and need a severe and properly executed caning, feel free to go and see a professional dominatrix. I dont want to prevent you from having your needs met. You deserve to get what you want. I know I did not deliver and I dont want to be in your way.""

    I think there is a potential for some additional hurt feelings in this on both sides. If he does go to a pro it affirms your fears that what you provide is not enough and will hurt your confidence even further. If you have not communicated that directly, it may be wise to do so.

    From his standpoint, is there a chance that he might want you to become adept with a cane and if you refuse to do that does it make him not worth learning it? I can't speak for him but I would guess that it may be lingering in his mind... that you would rather have him pay to play with someone else than work on it.

    Take care.

    PS. Tips for caning: Lead the motion with the tip of the handle. Hit through the target (or think of hitting beyond the target).

    1. Thanks for your comment. You say interesting stuff. I appreciate it very much!

      "First off is that Gregory seems more like a BDSM-submissive while you are looking more for an FLR-style lifestyle submission. That is a pretty big gap to bridge but I hope you can find a way."

      Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

    2. And Fur, as so often, you give me so much food for thought. Thanks for being such a helpful friend.

    3. You're very welcome, Tina.

      There are some interesting aspects to the way that D/s interplay happens and affects people over time. I believe that this often requires people to allow for their views to change as their reality changes. It is very easy to get trapped by a philosophy once it becomes solidified.

      I think the way that submission reacts to dominance and the way that dominance reacts to submission falls at the core of building confidence and reducing worry. It is okay to make mistakes and fail as long as they are learning experiences. Sometimes it's better to press too hard rather than not enough.

      I believe there is (probably) a process to expanding the depth of Gregory's submission. Finding out his triggers and hot buttons that make him feel submissive and vulnerable and then learning how to manipulate those feelings to bring him to the state that you want may be part of the process. I know that this goes against the idea that submission is freely given, but my guess is that he would not be opposed to this happening if it helps him reach the state where you want him.

      An easy way to picture it is that a sub has a minimum of 4 distinct mental states.
      1. Public persona. The vanilla face shown to the world.
      2. Private persona. The vanilla face shown to people who are close/trusted.
      3. Mild submission.
      4. Heavy submission.

      #4 is where a lot of things come to fruition. e.g. Calling you "ma'am" becomes second nature. Accepting whatever type of caning you wish to give him. This state is scary for those who haven't been there and it requires a deep vulnerability that most people are unaccustomed to showing. #4 also doesn't show up on its own, it is a response to dominance.

      While it is possible to mimic similar actions while in #3 (or even #2), to have it be deep, meaningful, and intimate does come from #4. Best intentions are no substitute for genuine feelings. That isn't to say that there won't be depth or connection outside of #4, as real life isn't always conducive to keeping a sub there for extended periods of time. However, if you do familiarize yourself with his submissive triggers it can be easy to have a gesture or a look that can "pull him there" in an instant and the "ma'am" becomes a term of reverence as opposed to something he says because you want him to. The dynamic might be relaxed immediately after, but it serves as a ready reminder of who is in control.

      Just some ideas.

      Take care.

    4. Thank you very much. That comment was super helpful. Am still contemplating your words.

  2. As always, your post is deeply insightful and worth the (long!) wait.
    If I may, some points to ponder:
    Take BDSM out the equation. Would you encourage your partner to seek sexual gratification outside of your relationship for lack of one activity, when everything else is mutually gratifying? I can understand Gregory's burning desire for expert caning but in the wide range of BDSM, it's one small aspect. You are obviously more than willing to practise a hundred other activities as his Domme, to indulge his other needs and your own. Gregory is living what so many of us only dream of; a generous, thoughtful, educated woman with an active sex drive who is not only "willing" to be dominant but WANTS to be and gets aroused by it. Literally one in a million. In my opinion, he should give that idea some consideration.
    Yes, being dominant is hard. You are the ruler. You mentally and physically instigate all activities, make all decisions, establish and enforce all rules. It's exhausting. If you're not getting a measure of satisfaction equal to the effort, perhaps examine the dynamic and discover what would bring you greater joy. You have the right to be fulfilled as much as anyone else.
    Just my two cents. It seems that overall you are happy and in love and that's worth more than anything else. I'm glad for you.
    P.S. I think "Ma'am" is extremely hot too. :)

    1. FL, I know, it takes me ages to write new posts. Sorry, dude ;-)

      Thanks a lot for your input.

      And yes, a sincere, not joking "Ma `am" is extremely hot. Too bad Gregory does not see it that way.