Sunday, June 18, 2017

My pov: The mental aspects of D/s

Fur sissy wanted to talk about the mental aspects, and his wish is my command ;-)

This is such a broad subject though, it is hard to put it into a single blog post. I am therefore limiting my writing to a few elements that play the biggest role in my kink life.

mind fucks vs physical contact
For me, the mental aspect of "this thing we do" is the dominant factor.  The mind-fucks are drawing me into the kink.

When I was a teenager, I had my first orgasm ever while watching a D/s scene in a movie. It wasnt a porn movie, it was just a vanilla video with a very intense D/s moment between 2 people, Physical contact did not play a role at all. 

The things that go on in my head are what leads me to the kink in the first place. The physical aspects come much later. For me, it is like: If there is no good mindfuck, if there is no mental appeal, I dont even want to start anything physical with another person. One night stands for instance have zero appeal to me. Vanilla porn bores me.

There is a moment in a D/s relationship, when a submissive man`s tone and  voice starts to change from "normal" to "submissive mode".  It´s like his voice is cracking, the sound of the voice changes and the man`s whole demeanor changes. This is something that turns me on immensly. And if the man throws in a "yes Ma àm"  I am ready to come ;-) I dont need much physical contact to reach that horny state. For me, it works on the phone, on skype and even through text mesages. Texts are trickier than phone or skype, obviously, but I can litteraly feel through the lines whether we are having that special connection I am longing for, or not.

In the beginning, shortly after Gregory had contacted me, I put him into a corner quite often. He had to spend "ages" in the corner, nude and motionless, while I watched him through skype. I never left the computer screen, I was actually sitting at home and watching him standing in the corner  in his bedroom. During these hours I energetically connected to him. I focused on him and on his energy, I created a bond between us that is obviously quite strong now. The fact that he was willing to over and over stand in a corner just because I say so, was one of the most precious gifts he could have given me. 

Gregory and I recently had our first year anniversary. When he had contacted me last year, I could feel a special chemistry right from the beginning. And only 2 or 3 weeks later did I buy an airplane ticket to fly half around the world to meet him. My family in Germany was quite worried about the fact that I am flying alone to a man in a different country, and my brother insisted I  book a hotel room at least for the first night, in case Gregory was not was wonderful as I had assumed he is. But my brothers´s fears were completely unnecessary. Gregory was exactly as I had imagined him to be. My gut feeling and my ability to "feel" other people has never betrayed me. He picked me up at the airport, we went to his car and I started to touch him and have never since stopped touching him in all sorts of appropriate an inappropriate situations ;-) 

deep connection vs superficial meetings
For me, the kink has a lot to do with being connected to another human being. With being understood and accepted at a very deep and intimate level. And with bonding. With feeling close with the man. With intimacy and opening up and trust and loyalty and togetherness.

For me, the kink is almost a holy experience. For me, it is meaningful and deep and valuable and precious. When I interact with people, I almost never stay on the surface. I wanna get to know the other person, understand the other person. This is my modus operandi in business and private meetings, but it is especially true for my kink/relationship/sex life.

I intentionally never asked any of the men who wrote me for a picture. I wanted to energetically and emotionally "feel" the person first.I wanted to get a mental picture of the man first, before I  made the decision whether I even  wanted a picture or not.

At the time I ask a man for a picture, my decision to give him a chance has already been made. 

It might be surprising to some of you. but in the 7 years that I am writing my blog I have never ever been really disappointed by any of the men who wrote me. I opened up to them, they opened up to me and even when our paths separated, there was always some mutual respect and loyalty left. 

lifestyle vs game
For me, D/s is not a game. I dont "play". In order for me to be interested on a kink level, the guy has to be interesting in his vanilla life. The more I am interested in the man as a person, as a human being, and in his vanilla life, the better the kink can get.

I think the guys who were able to get through to me could feel that I am not just playing with them. We might laugh and there might be some playful banter, but generally speaking:  For me, the kink is a serious thing. It is serious for me, because it is so meaningful and deep to me. (see above).

dominance vs submission
Gregory and I were discussing our kink relationship ground rules recently. And after I had told him some of the things I want, he asked me completely flabbergasted: "you want 24/7? really?"
 And I said: "yes."
And then he told me that he is not into it 24/7, that his mood changes sometimes and also his interest in the kink.

This is where we ended our "how to proceed" discussion.
We just let it rest for a while, because we both know and feel that we have something that is worth fighting for. Our relationship is great in so many aspects, we both love each other dearly. I think we both did not want to destroy this by focusing too much on different kink preferences.

And I am not so sure anway wheter we are really so far apart mentally anyway ;-)

First of all, I think both Gregory and I are completely equal partners in our relationship.  And I think this is something both Gregory and I want. We are on a par with each other and we are enjoying that.

Nevertheless, when it comes to the kink, I crave the power.

I think he is afraid that I am trying to take away his freedom. That I am intending to boss him around in a mean and limiting way. He has told me many times "Don`t limit me, I am my own man, I make my own decisions". And when he says this to me, most of the time I think that this has got not much to do with me. He is defending something that is not even attacked. If I did not think that he is a strong, independent and successful man who can make his own decisions and take care of himself,  I would not even be together with him :-)

Being the domme turns me on because being the sub is a role that is all too familiar for me.
From my early childhood on I have been taught by the women in my family to serve and support and love the men in my family. Plus: loving people and supporting them is something that comes naturally to me anyway. 

And the men in my family have taught me that they love their freedom, that they wanna do whatever they wanna do. These are lessons that are deeply engrained in my memory. And I am a free spirit myself, I know how important freedom is.

I come from a family where the men are loved, protected and cared for by the women. My grandma sometimes served my grandfather dinner in the living room, so he could enjoy his meal in calmness and undisturbed, while my grandma took care of the loud and challenging kids and fed them in the dining room. She tried her hardest to make my grandfathers life as nice as possible. She let him go on vacation with another woman, while she stayed at home with the kids.

My father borrowed thousands of Euro from his parents in law, my grandparents, and (even though he later had the money and we urgently needed it) never returned it. But neither my grandparents nor my mom or I stopped loving him. He is dead now, but he was always welcome in our home.

My brother, the only son between 2 sisters, is the prince in our family. He gets pretty much whatever he wants from all of us.

My stepfather is married to my mom for more than 30 years now, and my mom has always let him have his freedom. I remember one spectacular moment when she called his office and his secretary said: "Oh, he is not here, he is on vacation for the next two weeks in Indonesia". He had booked a trip to the other end of the world without saying a word to his family. But my mom accepted it. She did not like it, but she accepted it. The two of them are still married, living in different cities and seeing each other regularly.

In vanilla settings it has happend many times that Gregory asks me a somewhat harmless question like " did you wash my jeans?", I think I have done something wrong, I get insecure, and he calms me down by saying: "Hey, relax, I am just asking." I know I am super insecure sometimes, but that is only because I WANT to make him happy. I WANT to see a smile on his face. The fact that I love this man so much makes it even more difficult to keep the femdom aspects of our relationship alive.

My point in all this rambling is: I understand that Gregory wants to keep his freedom. But at the same time I want him to give me more power over him. I know I am asking for a huge leap of faith from him, but I crave more of his submission because I know that without his loud and clear "ok; I am submitting to you" I wont do anything that is even slightly touching his boundaries.


  1. Dear Miss Tina;
    Wow. Just, wow.At the risk of coming across as yet another in the legion of sad little men trying to impress a Domme on the internet, you're words really struck home for me. A resounding "YES!" to (almost) everything you wrote.
    Yes, a simple, firm command, delivered with authority and sincerity, is 100x more erotic than a spanking (though those are pretty amazing too!).
    Yes, the only acceptable response to anything she says is "Yes Ma'am".
    Yes, my voice, demeanor, body language, everything, change when in the presence of a true Domme.
    Yes, it's 99.9% between the ears, not the legs.
    The only thing that makes me hesitate is the 24/7 submission. Like Gregory, I'd be afraid to lose myself. Can you explain what 24/7 submission looks like to you? Please?

  2. I like FL's suggestion about you describing what a 24/7 D/s lifestyle looks like to you. This is because I find you intriguing, and very likable. I'd love to hear your answer to that!

  3. The two of you are making a valid point. I think I need to clarify both to you and to Gregory what I am having in mind when I am asking for 24/7. Will do this in a separate post.

    1. That will be a very interesting post. So far, it has been unclear exactly how much power you want over him. For example, do you want the unilateral power to punish him for any reason with the intensity and duration of your sole choosing? Do you want the final say over any and all relationship decisions? Does he have any recourse if he feels strongly that something you do is unfair or excessive? What things require mutual agreement, and which are left to your unfettered and sole discretion?

      24/7 just refers to the fact that whatever power you have is always there with no breaks. The intriguing questions are: How much power do you want over this man, and how much less than what you want are you willing to accept?

  4. Thank you for sharing, Tina.

    I must have missed this when the post went up and just caught it yesterday. I am glad that you are able to enjoy the power and control aspects of D/s on such a deep level. The way you described a man melting into submission is very true and is one of the feelings I love to experience.

    I do agree that interest in subs as people is very important. It's what puts people into the category of "life partner" and not just "play partner."

    Take care.

    1. you are welcome, fur. You inspire me a lot. Only sometimes it takes ages for me to write new posts. But I am pondering your posts in my mind often :-)