In a recent comment, "James", raised some helpful questions. And no, "James" is not Greory. Gregory has never commented on my blog at all. I offered Gregory to write a "guest post" on my blog right from the beginning of our relationship, but so far he has always declined to do that.
1) "That will be a very interesting post."
I hope you find it interesting - I know I do.
2) "So far, it has been unclear exactly how much power you want over him. For example, do you want the unilateral power to punish him for any reason with the intensity and duration of your sole choosing?"
yes, I want the unilateral power to punish him for any reason (with the exceptions stated in No.5) with the intensity and duration of my sole choosing.
3) "Do you want the final say over any and all relationship decisions?"
short answer: yes, I do.
4) "Does he have any recourse if he feels strongly that something you do is unfair or excessive?"
If he - as has happened- feels strongly that something I do is unfair or excessive, he can always tell me so.
He told me he doesn´t want me to ruin his orgasms, I stopped doing that.
He told me he doesnt want to write lines for me, I stopped giving him lines.
He told me that early bed times is not something he wants or could accept, and I never did it to him.
If he wants to have one, he can have a safe word. No problem. I have given him a safe word in the past already, but he never used it.
5) "What things require mutual agreement, and which are left to your unfettered and sole discretion?"
Left to his unfettered and sole discretion are all things related to:
- his money,
- his work/ business,
- his family members/ friends
The rest is mine.
I dont want a slave. I want him to be happy and successful. I want him to have fun and enjoy his life.
6) "24/7 just refers to the fact that whatever power you have is always there with no breaks."
I want that it is clear between him and I that I have the final say. I dont want to start negotiating with him when I tell him to do something for me. I dont want to beg him or convince him to do something for me. I dont wanna win a debate against him first. And I dont wanna explain myself and my reasoning in depth before something I want gets done.
I will give you a real life example: Gregory lives in a very nice house. I like his place a lot. I love spending time in that house. And I love being the housewife for Gregory. Cleaning for him, doing the laundry, cooking, I love it because I still dont see him as often as I would like to and I still dont get enough chances to pamper him and show him how much he means to me.
Next to his kitchen is a nice table. Since I entered that house for the first time I want to have dinner with him at that table. I have spent hours thinking about what I would cook, and how we would have dinner there. I guess it´s a european thing. I love cooking for my man and I love sitting down for a dinner together. I think preparing a fresh meal is fun and homemade food is delicious.
It stayed a dream though because the table is full with his "stuff". Just huge piles of old papers, coins, batteries, old boxes, christmas wrapping, etc.
I told him a few times that I want the table cleared, but he doesnt do it. He says it would take him half a day to sort through everything on that table and he says he does not have the time to do it. He does not even understand why I want to use the table. On the rare occasions that I actually do cook at his house at the moment, we eat on the couch, in front of the tv.
In the last year I very nicely asked him a few times to clear that table. I told him that it is important for me. He just doesnt do it. I could have confronted him about it, somewhat forcefully, could have started an argument. But such a confrontation would have completely destroyed the "warm" and "sweet" feelings I have in regards to us eating on that table. Plus: I dont want an argument with him. A fucking table is not worth it.
Furthermore: In a vanilla setting I think it is not my call to tell him how to live and what to do. It is his house, his table and his decision what he wants to have on that table and what not. And obviously he does not want the two of us sitting there.
However: Litteraly everytime I am at his place I regrett that we cant use that table. He has no idea that I am having such strong feelings related to that table, but I do. And I am afraid I might not even be able to explain to you or him why it is so important to me, but it is.
Sometimes I just want things from him, but I dont want to have to explain myself. I dont wanna give him a deep analysis of my psyche and my reasons behind my demand. I just want that table to be cleared. And btw. I would have cleared that table myself, I am not interested in making Gregory`s life harder. I know it is an unpleasant task for him, and I would have done it myself. But in that specific case he has to do it himself. I dont know what he wants to keep, and what not.
So I have to live with that cluttered table. And I do. When Gregory is reading this post, he will probably be completely surprised by the intensity of my feelings re that table. It is obvious that we want different things at the moment. He wants to leave it as it is, I want it cleared. I do believe that he would enjoy what I am having in mind once the table is cleared, but this is irrelevant because I dont have any means to get the table cleard. I cant do it and he wont do it.
If I had had the power I wanted, things could have gone completely different.
I know, I know, I am always the one who says "the kink is a serious thing for me".
But sometimes, as is the case with the table, the kink is a good means to prevent arguments in a playful manner.
Without the kink, me telling him over and over again to "please clear the table" puts me in the category of being a nagging, difficult girlfriend. This triggers unpleasant feelings in him and I understand that. It also triggers unpleasant feelings in me, because I dont wanna be perceived as a "difficult" girlfriend.
With the kink I could have just "told" him to do it. The table would have been cleared months ago and I could have given him a nice and sensual and loving "good boy spanking", followed by a blow job and some fresh, homemade and tasty dinner.
7) "How much power do you want over this man",
I want the power only in the privacy of our relationship. I want to be sure that he knows and accepts that I can give him pleasure and/or pain.
8) "How much less than what you want are you willing to accept?"As a matter of fact: Gregory has stopped being submissive to me.
It was his decision. He never told me so, but he acted acordingly.
Bummer? well, tell me about it.
I did not like it, but I adjusted myself to it.
He did not like my flavor of kink. And the idea of doing something that the partner does not (at least on some level) like, is a huge turn off for me.
In the big scheme of things, having Gregory in my life as my boyfriend is more important to me than having the kink with him. If I have to choose between having kink or having Gregory, I would always choose Gregory.