When I opened my blog 7 years ago, my goal was to find a man. With Gregory now in my life, it looks like I have accomplished that goal.
Things between Gregory and me are good. Great actually. We just spent a fantastic time together in Germany and even some wonderful days in Paris.
Gregor is good to me and good for me.
Having accomplished my main goal, namely finding a man, I am now spiritually in the process of "finding myself" and "getting to know myself better".
I am pretty experienced with enneagrams . I am an enneagram type 2. If you wanna know more about me and how I "tick" , just google/read any description of type 2 and you will know what kind of person I am. :-)
"When Twos are healthy and in balance, they really are loving, helpful, generous, and considerate. People are drawn to them like bees to honey. Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized.
In short, healthy Twos are the embodiment of “the good parent” that everyone wishes they had: someone who sees them as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go. Healthy Twos open our hearts because theirs are already so open and they show us the way to be more deeply and richly human."(The Enneagram Institute).
When it comes to the kink, I dont get turned on by brutality or plotless and mean sadism. In my mind, the things get interesting and hot when the following aspects come into play: supporting the man, helping him to reach his goals, and making him realize how wonderful he is.
I never ever handed out a punishment in the kinky context that was intended to belittle the man. All I want and strive for is to make the man see how awesome he is. Gregory could testify that I tell him over and over again, how wonderful he is, how proud of him I am, and how much I am turned on by his looks.
Being the one in control, the one to empower others, the grown up, the advisor, the one people go to to ask for help... that´s the part I am playing in most of both my business and my private life.
But it is also said about 2s:
Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met.
Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love.
The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.”
And yep, this has happened in my life. Talking about and expressing my needs does not come easy for me. Setting boundaries and saying "no" to friends, clients , family or even Gregory is difficult for me. The need to please is super deeply engraved in my psyche. But sometimes , as all of you know, but I only learned in the last years, lol, it is impossible to please everybody all the time.
In the last months, Gregory refused to submit to me in the kinky context. We did not have a big "we are now ending all kink activity -talk". He just made clear that A is not something he wants, B is not something he enjoys, and C is not something that turns him on.
He had asked me months ago whether I would let him spank me. And I told him that the thought alone of being spanked by him makes me feel uncomfortable in a bad way. It felt too overwhelming, too scary, too emotional and I was too afraid that he would not catch me when I start to fall.
I am not sure whether that is still true though. I trust this man with my life now. But still, at the moment I dont wanna be spanked by him or any other person.
With this all came a changed dynamic in our relationship. Away from pure lust/kink more towards: "are we a match in vanilla life? do we share the same core values? do we believe in the same God?" And the answer is crystal clear: yes! Gregory and I make a very good couple. :-)
The whole "kink or no kink- situation" forces me to ponder the question: "what is it that I want? What makes me happy? what is hot for me?"
In the past, I got a lot of pleasure through pleasing the man. But now Gregory has sort of unconsciously (or maybe consciously, who knows...) given me permission to take care of my own pleasure. It is important for him that I am sexually fulfilled. He wants me to have orgasms. He wants me to be happy. And he enjoys pampering me. He has given me "oral favors" that felt wonderful. He is taking good care of me and my orgasms. And I am learning to receive. I am learning that I dont always have to give. Giving is nice, but receiving is nice too.
When we were in Paris, Gregory paid for everything. It was the first time in my whole life that I had a man pay for me like he did. I was completely overwhelmed by his generosity. It was a completely unfamiliar feeling for me. I realized I am enetring new territory. I dont always have to be the one who leads, I dont always have to be the one who takes charge of things, I dont always have to fix all sorts of problems. It is safe for me to trust and let go and enjoy.