Tuesday, October 31, 2017

fear of success

A Marianne Williamson quote came to my mind today: 
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Sometimes I am really scared about the fact that things between Gregory and me are going so well. It feels like I need to learn to understand that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to be pampered by a pretty, sexy, caring and empathic man. 

Figuratively speeking: I need to understand that my old mental programming has been updated now, and that the update is giving me much more opportunities, joy and happiness than I ever expected or even dared to dream of :-) 

I was 35 years old when I had my first relationship ever. My life, from the age of let´s say 15 to 35 was dominated by the feeling that I am a nice person, that people like me, but that I am not "relationship material". It felt like I could never find a man who would love me. A big part of my life was about "waiting and hoping" to eventually be found by somebody.

I threw myself into helping other people, I became a very successful advisor when it came to other peoples relationships, but entering into a relationship myself seemed completely out of reach for me.

When I opened my blog, a completely new world opened for me. Everything changed. I moved from "waiting and hoping" to "actively looking and searching". I suddenly was interesting to fantastic men. I got tons of emails and communicated with wonderful guys. And the guy who I now call "my ex-boyfriend" was gentle, and careful, and slow enough to let me explore this new world at my own speed. He understood that I am a "beginner" in the whole "relationship- world", and he was a great teacher. When things ended between us, I was heartbroken for a long time.

Now with Gregory in my life, it feels like I have finally arrived. I am not blogging much about him and me these days, because I have told you many times already how much in love I am with him and how wonderful he is.

We were swimming in the ocean recenly, just the two of us. The whole beach was empty, just him and I had the courage to go into the october sea water. It was so much fun, and it gave me another opportunity to touch him.

I feel a very strong physical attraction to him. I always touch him and kiss him, play with his hair or ears or just hold his hands. Being physically connected with him gives me energy and calmes me down at the same time.

We see each other quite often, taking into consideration that I am living in Germany and he in the US. I feel very close with him. It feels very familiar with him, very warm, very comforting, very cozy. He is always there for me. I know I can count on him. With him and through him, I see things and people and places I could not have dreamt of ever seeing.

I think that I inspire him, and at the same time I am being inspired by him.

It feels like I do have everything I ever wanted as far as having a man and a happy relationship is concerned

I was single for such a long time in my life that I now often secretly ask myself: "Is this really happening? This can`t be true, this is almost too good to be true."


  1. Replies
    1. thanks fur :-) And honestly, when I reflected about that Marianne Williamson quote I also thought of you.

  2. Hi Tina;
    I really enjoyed reading your blog post.

    I am truly glad that you are enjoying a rewarding relationship with Gregory, Tina.

    You stated: " I need to learn to understand that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to be pampered".

    I hope that you know now that you do deserve to be happy, that you do deserve to be loved, that you do deserve to be pampered. You deserve to be in a relationship, Tina.

    Congratulations. Color me impressed.


  3. Awesome. You deserve every bit of it.


    1. Thanks, James. Good to hear from you again.

  4. If you can maintain the joy and wonder - without the insecurity - it can be a fairy tale that lasts forever.

    1. Thanks, FL. It is strange, the longer I know him, the more I miss him when we are apart.