Tuesday, February 13, 2018

it takes a real man to submit

In response to my "male submission"-post I received the following comment:

Oh, well, as you said you speak for yourself. Here's mine. The male slave is at the bottom of the D's hierarchy. First is the male dom, second is the female domme, third is the female slave and the bottom rung is occupied by the male slave. 
I do understand where the person who wrote that comment might be coming from. I have seen enough videos that depict the very same hierarchy that the commentator mentiones. "Male slaves" being treated like worthless worms, tortured and ridiculed by laughing doms or dommes. That is a scenario I have seen over and over again.

I can intellectually understand that this is something that has an appeal to many people. (Even though it seems kind of random to me that the dominant women are seen lower than the dominant men, but the submissive women are seen higher than the submissive men. Seems a bit inconsistent to me... But who cares about consistency when it comes to sexual preferences, lol.) 

Anyway, if you get pleasure and happiness out of consensually engaging in that sort of activity: Good for you :-)

The person commenting goes on by saying:

There is little "manliness" in a male who submits to humiliation and physical dominance. Their submission is an acknowledgement that they are less than and therefore they must submit to their better. Their true self is revealed in these moments. By kneeling, they acknowledge that they are not of the world of real men. To grovel is to lose that privilege.

I do think that  the person who wrote that comment and I only seem to speak about the same thing, namely "male submission", but that we are approaching the topic from completely different angles. We are looking at it with completely different glasses. And it is almost impossible to unite these different views with each other. It feels like he is a classical musician, telling me: "It is important to play the notes exactly as they were written by Bach." And me, I am telling him: "It´s jazz, dude, you cant play jazz without improvising".

In my opinion,  it takes an enormous amount of strength and greatness for a man to submit to a woman. And especially submitting to a woman he loves. The fact that he loves and cares for the woman makes him even more vulnerable. His submission becomes deeper and even more meaningful through the fact that the man loves the woman. 

(The dynamic between a pro domme and a guy who pays her for humiliating/spanking/degrading him is completely different. In such a scenario the guy can decide what he wants and how far he wants the pro domme to go. She is providing a service, he is the customer. That is not something I am interested  in at all because the man does not necessarily need to invest his feelings. I know, men sometimes do develop feelings toward the pro domme, but still, in a pro domme /customer relationship the man is emotionally much more in control than in a D/s relationship with his girlfriend or wife).

I have realized that in my life the kink only works with men that I can look up to in vanilla life. My ex boyfriend was one of the leading experts in his field in the whole US. And so is Gregory, only in a different professional field. I did not choose neither of them for their professional skills. But the fact that there is something in a man´s life that I highly admire him for is a huge turn on for me.

To me, it feels like this: I realize at a very early point that the man is awesome. There is no need for him to convince me of his awesomeness later on in the relationship. I have seen and acknowledged his greatness a looooong time ago already. He does not need to proof to me that he is a wonderful man. I already know he is.

Despite the fact that I know and aknowledge that the guy is amazing, I still might ( or do, lol) think that a discipline session is in order sometimes. We are all humans, and being alive means making mistakes once in a while ;-)

Spankings and domestic discipline can happen for many different reasons. Either for his benefit or for mine, and in the best case for the benefit of both of us ;-) It can relieve stress and tension, it can clear the air, it can be fun, it can be hot, it can be ... you name it. Sometimes I want to teach him a lesson and sometimes I just "need" the feeling of being in control.

Using a metaphorical language: In my mind, my boyfriend is "the king". He deserves power and admiration. And I know that I am his Queen. He treats me very, very well. We are on eye level. But on these certain days, when I want to engage in anything D/s, I want him to get off of his royal throne and down in the basement of the castle. I want him to give up his royal privileges and submit to my will.
Nobody is forcing him to do something.  And he is not always enjoying it, But if he submitts, he is submitting out of his free will. His true self is revealed in these moments. He acknowledges the fact that I care for him, that I might have a point, that I want his best. He acknowledges that he sees my efforts to be a good girlfriend, to support him, to make him happy. And even if he does not agree with me in thinking that a discipline session is in order, he nevertheless submitts, because he is the king and there is nothing more royally than a king wanting to make his queen happy. I want him to be strong and courageous and brave enough to hand over all the royal privilleges to me and to give himself fully in my hands. And in my opinion, it takes a real man to do that .

I like FL´s explanation: "I think your own embrace of kink is what allows you to see submission as a gift and the submissive as still manly." 


  1. It is good luck to have found your Blog, it is authentic and natural. regards
    Juan Carlos

    1. Thank you :-) I am trying to be as authentic as possible. Right now Gregory is lying next to me in bed, laughing, and saying " Oh Geez..." ;-) I am super happy!

  2. I can understand why submissive males worry about women thinking less of them. I think it is due to traditional gender role models, which are still quite strong. Attitudes do seem to be changing however. When I first met my partner, I hesitated to tell her about my submissive interests. When I finally did so, she had no problem with them. She now spanks me quite often and clearly enjoys doing it. We even went to a kinky party once, where she was fully dressed while I wore just a pair of briefs and was collared and leashed. None of this has made her think any less of me.
    Best wishes to you and Gregory!

  3. Me personally, I don't think it makes a man any less dominant if he goes through a spanking like this. In fact, he shows himself to be tough and willing to take pain to restore marital harmony. I would think less of a man who didn't want to go through this because he didn't think he could take the pain.

    1. Very interesting comment. I like the idea of a man being willing to take pain to restore marital harmony.

    2. Is this one of your reasons for spanking male partners would you say?

      I'm aware of couples being counselled regarding this being an effective way of restoring marital harmony, with paddles being commonly given as wedding presents.

      A man wanting to enter the marital bed should first demonstrate his sacrificial love, this being a good way of doing so.

  4. Just found your bog, nicely done, very good article and analysis. I’m submissive and enjoyed reading your perspective. I simply find submission to be very erotic and sensual. For me, it pushes all the right buttons.