Saturday, March 3, 2018

reaching my limits

This is probably gonna be one of the most personal blog posts I have ever written.

Let me give you some background: when I was a kid, at around age 10, I was a competitive swimmer. I used to train so hard that I sometimes vomited after training. Nobody forced me to train so hard, I just did it because I wanted to be a good swimmer/student /girl and I did not  listen to my body and my limits. I just gave all I had. 

Years later, when I was doing my legal clerkship, I played tennis with some local house wifes. I participated in a smal tournament. It was a fun tournament, as far as I remember there was not even anything to be won. Nevertheless I ignored all my limits and I played so long that I broke down and that my team mates actually had to call an ambulance for me. I was taken from the tennis court right to the local hospital, where I needed to stay for a few hours. I had given all I had had.

Nowadays, there are days in my law firm when I see client after client after client. I encourage them, help them, solve their problems, make them laugh, give them a good feeling, give them hope, support them and calm them down. I give and give and give and give. And in the evening I go straight to bed, completely drained and spent, and with a hurting head. I just give way too much.

Ignoring my own needs, ignoring my own limits and ignoring my own wants is a recurring theme in my life. 

I have this general need, to make everybody around me happy. It is ridiculous, I know. Nevertheless, this is what I am striving for. And in doing that, I regularly come to my limits, and ignore my limits. And I regularly come to a point where I need to withdraw from the world, in order to "find" myself again. I spent hours alone in my room, just trying to concentrate on myself and on gaining my own energy back.

When I am with other people, it feels like I am so focused on them and their needs and making them happy, that I completely forget to take care of myself.

I think that is one of the reasons why I was searching for a  submissive guy. I wanted a guy in my life who puts my needs first, because I for sure cant be trusted with taking care of my own needs. I know that I can make a difference in other peoples life. And I thought that a submissive guy could make that difference in my life. But I realise now that this aint gonna happen. I need to be the one who is taking care of my own needs. I cant just outsource that to a submissive man.

Plus, in all fairness, I usually dont tell the man what I want and need. I just hope he will somehow know it.

This is something I need to change. It is my fuckig responsibility to learn to say "no", to learn to listen to my body, to learn to pay attention to my limits and to not give more than I actually have.

I drove Gregory to the airport not too long ago. He was nervous, the airport was a madhouse and it was unclear whether he would even be able to fly home again or wheter he would have to spend hours or days at the airport.

Gregory was nervous, and I was nervous too. I did not sleep at all the night before I drove him to the airport. I got up at 6 am, made him coffe, got the car ready, took care of all sorts of things, and drove Gregory to the airport. We were good in time. I was thinking of just stopping real quick and do the "kiss and fly" goodbye, without parking the car. On the drive to the airport though I somehow got the impression that Gregory wanted me to park the car and come with him into the airport. (I am not even sure now whether he actually wanted it or wheter I only assumed it...). Anyway, in order to make everybody around me happy, (and that "everybody" was Gregory...) I decided to park the car in a parking garage at the airport. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

It was a bit tricky though, because my car is nice and big and the parking spots in old parking garages in Germany are nasty and tight.

I tried one spot, my car did not fit in, and I drove up a level, found no parking spot, I dove up another level and tried a different spot. It was super tight though, I had to maneuver back and forth over and over again, and Gregory started yelling at me "What are you doing? I got a plane to catch. Park the damn car. Why are you making me late? etc etc etc."

Gregory stormed out of the car, I told him: "If you wanna park the car, do it," and I got out of the car myself, while the car was still only half in the parking spot.

Gregory however yelled at me again, telling me that I`d be doing stupid things, that I `d be making him late, that I`d be creating problems. He got his suitcase out of the trunk and started to walk away. I got back in the car, squeezed the car in the damn tight spot and run after Gregory. (Note to self: should not have done that.)

I found him and told him: "the elevator is over there". But there was no elevator, only stairs, so I took his suit case and carried it down the stairs, I was so full of adrenaline, the 20 kg suitcase felt like a feather to me. But still , in hindsight, I should have just left and let him deal with it.

We walked in icy silence to the departure counter, we stood there in silence for a while, but Gregory was convinced that I had created problems for him. I told him that I dont want us to part like that. I briefly kissed him once, as a way to say: "come on, all is good." But I did not get the feeling of "yes, all is good". I kissed him a second time, but still it felt odd. And when I wanted to kiss him a third time he rolled his eyes on me and moved away. This is when I finally left. I just said "bye" and walked away.

It was exactly as I dont want it to be, We left without a proper good bye, without being ok with each other, without having ended the dispute.

I went back to the car and cried during the whole one hour long drive back.

I had this overwhelming feeling of:
"Gregory, I am giving you ALL I HAVE. If it is not enough, I cant give you more,"

When I was home I saw that he has sent me a text message, still from the airport, and apologized for loosing his temper.

We  have not spoken about the whole thing yet. And I am really afraid of doing it. I am really scared when a man, especially my man, yells at me. It freezes me. Makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel small and petrified. 

20 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing, Tina. I have to say that reading this post made me ache. I'm going to do my best to word this in a delicate way, but I may likely fail. The both of you are very passive aggressive. There are so many "you should have known" situations that bring you pain from it and it seems to happen on both sides of it. I grew up in this environment and just got out of an 11 year relationship that had it regularly. It hurts to read this.

    Something that I probably can't word delicately is that when Gregory does this to you, he is being emotionally abusive. It breaks you down and when it is happening, rather than stand up to it and call him out, it crushes you and you retreat into a "battered woman" state where you take it and feel like it is your fault. It makes me ache for you. Unless one or the both of you can ramp up the direct communication, this relationship is going to hurt... a lot.

    Take care, Tina.

    Hug.

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  2. yep, there´s a lot of truth in your analysis.

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  3. Miss Tina; I'm so sorry to read this, especially just after reading how well things were going for both of you.
    We all say and do things in moments of stress that we shouldn't, especially to those closest to us. Probably because anyone else would tell us to get lost. If Gregory's outburst was a one-time or at least extremely rare thing, brought on by the tension of travel, it's forgivable, I suppose. But if it's part of a pattern, may I suggest you take a long hard look at things.
    As for trying to please everyone around you, at the expense of your health and emotional well-being, the fact you wrote about such an intimate topic means you're well aware of the problem. Now you have to act, to safeguard yourself.
    Set boundaries. Establish limits. Only you know how much you can give before you start giving away pieces of yourself. Figure out where that is and then draw the line about 10 metres back from that. Nobody will die because you say "no" occasionally. Real relationships won't suffer, personally or professionally. But in may, in the long run, allow you to engage more fully when you do, to enjoy the moment, knowing that you only have to give as much as you want, not as much as they'll take.
    Be good to you.

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  4. I spoke with Gregory about it. I stood my ground. He apologized.

    My little sister said to me: "In life, nobody tells you that emotional pain in a relationship has a real meaning. But it does. It helps you to understand your own worth. But it takes time till that lesson sinks in." She is smart :-)

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    1. Miss Tina; I'm very glad you stood your ground. Credit, too, to Gregory. Sincerely apologizing is never easy, it means admitting to oneself that you fell far short.
      Time to move forward, to rebuild, but also to be aware.

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  5. I like the sincerity and authenticity of your blog. Maybe the name is not appropriate. You do not seem like a strong woman in the field of feelings, I think it depends a lot on being loved and your submissive seems it only in the fetish field. Of course it is my vision.
    regards

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    1. I do not seem like a strong woman in the field of feelings? Interesting comment. I personally tend to think that I can feel and sense much more than many other people can.

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    2. Strong for me means that one does not depend on the love of others. From my point of view, their superior capacity to love and give make them vulnerable. For you, strong may have another meaning. It may be a language problem. Regards

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  6. Um, if you are going to put wants, and needs and desires in your partners head without ASKING HIM to make sure he really wants something , and in so doing you not only damage yourself but risk doing damage to that partner you claim you don't want to damage. Plus, if everything had went according to your plan, I could see something happening in the airport (maybe your car gets damaged, maybe you get sick) while you are seeing Gregory off and then you end up holding that against him. Yes, I'm glad he apologized, but at least some of his shortness was understandable: you put his flight in jeopardy because you had your own little secret script about how things had to be. You need to stop with the secret attempts at mind-reading and let your partner know what you need and be sure to ask him what he needs.
    Anyway, I disagree with your analysis about what you 'should have done'. Once you did create a problem for him you acted very adult by trying to get back on his good side, at that point HE was acting peevish and childish and so you were in the right. However it was probably that saved your relationship: let me put it this way : if you had created problems for me, then left without a goodbye or explanation, if you had told me (if I was in a relationship with you)that an elevator was one way then sent me there only to find stairs or no exit at all, well, I'd be feeling much less charitable to you in his shoes. So you both acted badly: You by setting up a bad sitation due to a script you kept inside your head, him by yelling even when it had became obvious that you meant well.

    Just my thoughts, but like someone upthread said: you both need to communicate better.

    Mr. Anon

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    1. Mr. Anon, thanks for the input. You are absolutely correct in saying that him and I need to communicate much better. I do not really have an explanation yet why on earth I am having such a hard time communicating with him. Definitely something I need to work on :-)

      I might add though that I did NOT create a problem for him. He´s not my child. He can make his own decisions. HE chose to not drive himself, but to use me as a driver. I am a lawyer, not a professional taxi driver. I dont drive much myself. I did what I could to make things as smoothly as possible. For him to blame me for all shit is just not ok imho.

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  7. Yes I'd say you're wrong by "assuming" he wanted you to park etc. You understand you need to not be a people pleaser. It takes time and awareness is a great first step. SO the communication between the two of you seems to need opening up and more transparency with less expecting and assuming. He knew he was wrong for losing his temper, another poor way of communicating. I'd sit down, discuss both your faults and spank him for his outburst even though you understand why. He's submissive he needs this, You need to be more assertive so you need to do this. Mrs.V

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  8. I am so sorry to read this. Ihope you are doing OK.

    I know what Juan Carlos meant when he wrote that the blog title is sometimes not very apt. I find Gregory's behavior unacceptable. We are all capable of outbursts, but my attitude would long have corrected itself before 3 kisses and an eye-roll.

    I find myself agreeing also with Mrs V. above. You need to be more assertive. Assertiveness brings out the submissive in your partner. When you let things slide, it give the impression that dominance is actually not that important for you in the relationship.

    M has given me permission to post this reply to you. Thinking of you.

    Hanna

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    1. Thanks. Things are looking much better now.

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  9. I can not add much to what people have already said. My only comment is: People sometimes talk about "topping from the bottom", in your case it is more like "bottoming from the top".
    Hope things work out for you.
    Gordon.

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    1. thanks :-) yes, things are working out.

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  10. Ich sage den folgenden Satz nicht um weh zu tun und nicht um recht zu haben oder mich wichtig zu machen.

    Ich habe ab und zu und hier und da alle paar Monate mal ein paar Sachen von Ihnen gelesen. Nicht alles, aber die persönlichen Dinge. So auch die Qual als Ihr alter Partner Sie vor Jahren verlassen hat und Sie völlig aus seinem Leben verbannt hat.

    Ich sage das Folgende aus dem Wunsch zu helfen, obwohl Ratschläge leider oft auch wie Schläge ankommen, dieses ist aber nicht so gemeint:

    Sie haben ein Kindheitstrauma. Recht sicher aus meiner nicht gänzlich unprofessionellen Warte. Mehr möchte ich nicht sagen, weil Ferndiagnosen sowieso unseriös sind.

    Wenn Sie sich diesem Trauma aber nicht stellen - und dazu brauchen Sie professionelle Hilfe, denn es sitzt in Ihrem Unbewussten - dann sind Sie dazu verdammt, immer wieder die Menschen von sich wegzustossen, die sie besonders an sich binden wollen. Das Trauma wird getriggert und entfaltet seine Wirkung.

    Suchen Sie sich eine gute Psychotherapeutin.

    In Deutschland hat das immer noch den Geruch von "verrückt", das ist aber wirklich Quatsch und da sollten Sie darüber stehen.

    Vielen würde eine gute Psychotherapie gut tun, weil viele Kindheitstraumata mit sich herum tragen. Dafür kann man auch nichts, die haben einem in der Regel andere - meistens die Eltern - auferlegt.

    Aber erkennen Sie, dass Sie ein Trauma haben und arbeiten Sie an Ihrem Unbewussten. Das ist mein lieb gemeinter Rat. Ihre Beziehungen werden es Ihnen danken, Ihr inneres Seelenheil auch.

    Viel Glück!

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    1. My desire to heal others is a disguised cry for help for my own healing. I did not learn how to value or nurture myself at a young age, and I tend to unconsciously seek out my own healing in the healing of others.

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  11. My selections, my heartbreaks, my regrets.

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. Yelling is terrifying and reductive. It's implied violence even if there was no real threat of actual violence. It's rage and it reduces the moment to pure negative emotion.

    People think dominant people can just snap fingers and not care about the yelling, or be selfish because they are dominant, but that's not what the D in D/s does. Shes just as caring for the s as he is for her.

    I hope you worked it out. I hope you had a good long talk and when it was all sorted out maybe used a pledge to center you both. To remind him his submissive heart puts your needs first and allowing you to show you understand his frustrations if not his actions.

    Again, thanks for sharing something so personal and real.

    -Key

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    1. Key, thanks for your very helpful comment.

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