saints and whores?

In my life, speaking with submissive men, I hear quite often statements like:

"I cannot unite all parts of my personality in the relationship with one woman. I would love to, but I just CANNOT. My kink and my vanilla/real life are just not compatible, I want You to be my domme / mistress, I want You to see my submissive side  but my wife will see my public/ strong / domiant / alpha male side only." And the next thing I hear is: "I never feel good about these separate faces/layers of myself."

And I usually think: what? What are you talking about? I don´t even know where to start with my summation. 

First of all: my mom would agree with these submissive men. Since I was a little child I heard her sermons of: "A wife is a wife and a mistress is a mistress. It is impossible to be both. You cannot be the saint and the whore for a man at the same time, yada yada yada." But, despite popular believe, moms (and men) are not always right ;-)

For me, this concept of separation between two extremes was always strange. I never needed it in my life. I grew up knowing both sides. The "light" and the "dark", the vanilla and the kink world, and I learned to love both sides. And I still don't fully understand why people chose to make a distinction like that. 

The whole "no contact"-thing with my man is so strange now, because we were really close. I might be wrong here but I do believe I was able to be the saint AND the whore for him. And I liked both parts very much. It was fun doing all the kinky things with him and I remember one time when I accompanied him to the airport and still had his cum in my face from a blow job I had given him earlier that night... And being the saint, well that was very fulfilling for me too. I liked to take care of him, I enjoyed it immensely to go to church with him, I loved to pamper him, to be there for him.

For me, these two extremes don't really exist. It is probably because I know enough people from both sides and I know enough about each of them to understand that the "saints" are not only saints but also sinners and that the "whores" are not only whores but also loving and caring and dedicated women. In my life, I can easily take on whatever role I want to. I got many facets and I love them all. I am active in a somewhat fundamentalistic christian church, I am representing criminals in court and I am definitely into domestic discipline, spankings, power play and bdsm. 

Many of the readers of this blog are surprised by the amount of stubbornness I show related to the topic of "not wanting to face reality/not wanting to accept that it`s over with the man" . The thing is, and btw. this surprises me too, lol, I do think indeed that I am the right woman for my man. He won't easily find a better woman than me . Don`t get me wrong, he won't have any problems finding a new girlfriend. He is a hot guy and women dig him. But I do think that he is making a mistake by throwing me out of his life. And my maternal instinct is taking over saying: no, don`t do that!

It is very interesting that he is not making a move at all at the moment. Believe me, I have put him under emotional pressure in the last weeks. And it would have cost him 2 min to send me an email, saying in more or less polite words: "leave me alone". But he did not do that. There is this saying: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that `s when I really need it". And I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has never done anything at all to harm me. I don`t know what he is up to at the moment, but I know he is not interested in hurting me. I lead my life according to the believe of "the woman who loves you will never leave you because even if there are hundred reasons to give up, she will find one reason to hold on..."

So, to all the men out there who don`t dare to talk with the women in their lives about their needs: Show some trust. After 300 000 hits on this little blog, and getting countless emails and comments, I have  a pretty good picture of the men who are reading this blog. And the one thing you all have in common is: You are smart. You do understand how awesome a mind fuck can be and you do understand that the brain is super relevant for all things related to sexuality. It is very unlikely that you chose a dumb woman to be your wife. And if she is smart, she will understand your needs. Not sure if she is gonna share your needs, but if she is a saint, lol, she will at least try to please you ;-)

I am willing to suffer for your pleasure

A lot has been written about the pleasures of being in a domestic discipline relationship. I doubt that I need to talk about the benefits for the men, especially the alpha men, and why a man would want to live in such a relationship.

Only few posts/articles are dedicated to the women and why they would want to live that lifestyle. Sometimes, on their quest to convince their partner/wife to give a domestic discipline relationship a try, men summarize all the aspects that - in their opinion - are suitable to assure the women of engaging in that special lifestyle. 

One of the reasons I sometimes hear/read from men in that context is:

It is good for the woman because "it makes me a better man/husband/boyfriend".

For me, personally, that argument does not kick in at all. In my opinion there is not much substance to that argument.

Before I enter a relationship with a man, I make sure that he is a good man. I check his qualities right from the start and I have no intention to change him and /or "make him better". If he is not a good man he will not be chosen to become my man/husband/boyfriend. And once I chose him to be my boyfriend, I promise to myself to treat him well and to not hurt him and I expect to be treated well by him and not being hurt by him. This is nothing spectacular, just two grown ups treating each other with respect and care.

For me, the pleasure of being the leader in a domestic discipline relationship is based on the fact that I can outlive parts of my personality that I usually hide. DD allows me to go for my needs and my lust and my wishes, without needing to have negotiations with my partner first. Without asking for his consent first. Without having to carry the burden of taking care of his needs too.

In my life, both in private life and in my job, I am constantly busy trying to make other people happy. Helping people, supporting people, fighting for people and comfortig people is what I do all day long. Sometimes I gain a bit of fulfillment by doing it, but most of the time it is just tiresome. I am good at what I do, don`t get me wrong, but my life is dominated by constantly being at the service for other people/clients. I sometimes feel like a mercenary. I fight battles for other people.

I do have in fact the possibility to organize my time pretty freely, but on the other hand I am feeling very much other- directed.

I am trained from early age on to pay attention to other peoples needs. I am very generous, both emotionally, financially and with my time. You need something from me? Chances are very good you will get it. 

And: I am very good at empathizing. 

(Btw: 

this is one of the reasons why the current situation with my man is really getting under my skin. To me it looks like: I must have been doing something terribly wrong. I obviously did not see at all what he needed, I let him down to such an extent that he cannot even talk with me now anymore. My instinct is to please him, but at this point of time I do not even know what he wants me to do. What would please him?  Am I expected to fight for him? To wait for him? To give him space? To leave him alone? To fully disappear out of his life for eternity? If only I knew what he wanted, I would give it to him in a heartbeat. 

The fact that I am too stupid to understand what it is he wants pretty much paralyzes me. It hits me in the very core of my being. )

A dd relationship is like a safe haven to me. A place where I can flee to, where I feel security, a place where I can allow myself to take care of my own needs. A place where I allow myself to put my needs first. To me, having control is a turn on. No doubt about that. But the real turn ons in a domestic relationship for me are:

The silent trust that the man is putting in me. When he obeys my demands and when he is freely accepting my authority he is pretty much telling me: 

I trust you. I trust your leadership. I trust that you have thought it all trough. Even if I dont like what you want me to do, or if I dont understand why you want it, I will obey. I will do it because you want it. I am willing to suffer for your pleasure.

anger

Still no message from him at all. I am enormously confused by his silence.

Anyway, I only got two choices at the moment: 

being happy without him or being unhappy without him.

I am a loyal friend, and a loyal girlfriend. As long as my man does not explicitly tell me that he wants me to fuck off, I don't believe it. There is just too much that we shared and lived through together. I cannot believe that he gave so much to me and that this all means nothing anymore now. So I still feel very much that we belong together. And I don't want to cheat on him. 

On the other hand: reality check little Tina, he has been quiet for a long time now...

So, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want him. There is nothing I want more than to fly to him and spend Thanksgiving with him. I miss him. Not a day goes by without me wishing I could talk to him and see him and hold him in my arms. But he obviously does not want all that.

my grandma passed away, my man refuses to talk to me and I started to feel emotionally dead myself.

So, in my search for happiness I revitalized my online kink life.

Over the years I did quite a lot of online kink stuff. And a couple of days ago I had the first session again in a very long time. It was an awesome session with a tough soldier.  It was almost therapeutic for me. I do know the soldier for years, he knows that I don`t love him and I know that he does not love me either. There is no love between us, just a mutual understanding and respect. 

I figured he is the perfect "playmate" for some fun. He suddenly showed up again out of nowhere and he pretty much lives at the other end of the world. The outer circumstances where quite perfect for me to engage in some domme activity with him.

He is a tough guy, all muscles, tall, intimidating, a fighter, and dommeing him was quite an experience.

It was the hardest Skype session I ever experienced. The whole thing was focused on his physical pain. I made him kneel on rice, hands behind his head and he kneeled there almost endlessly.

I tongue lashed him and played with his mind and made him edge himself and made him do pushups for me. And due to the fact that he is so tough, I dared to actually play really hard. Harder than I usually play. The knowledge that he has experienced worse stuff in real life, that I won`t accidentally hurt him, gave me safety. I used him as a whipping boy. I could for once outlive all the frustration and the pain that has accumulated in my body and in my heart over the last months.

And I learned that I am really angry. I am angry at myself for creating such a fucked up situation with my man. I am angry for wasting my life waiting for something that most likely won't happen. I am angry for not being able to allow love in my life.