It has been quite a long time since my last post. I just needed some time to center myself and to take care of myself. I know, quite a few of the readers of this blog have been wondering how things with me and Gregory are and I can report that we were able to sort everything out.
Here is what happened:
After he left for the USA, I drove home from the airport and cried and cried and cried. We exchanged a few harmless text messages but both of us were dealing with the situation on his or her own.
Things changed after I had published my last blog post. I had not told Gregory about my tears and the depth of my feelings and he learned about it through my blog. He asked me whether I did not think this was something that I should have told him in the first place, and not "the world" by publishing it on my blog? I agreed with him and apologized for using that venue instead of talking to him directly.
I use my blog as a means to express my feelings, as a means to sort through my own feelings, as a means to get clarity. And I understand that it must be difficult for Gregory to read about our relationship online. I try not to speak too much about him, but with him being such an important part of my life now, it is impossible not to mention him at all.
Anyway: I wrote that post, he read it and we finally talked. (And everybody says: "hallelujah!")
I think that in Gregory´s eyes I am sometimes too sweet. I tell him nice stuff pretty much all the time, and tell him how awesome he is constantly. He sometimes tells me: "You are too kind".
During that talk though I was not sweet at all. I really did bring it on. Whereas usually I am always thinking: "I hope this awesome man stays with me forever" I now had this attitude of: "If he leaves me now, so be it. I cannot change it." I told him some unpleasant things. Gave him a tongue lashing. And while doing that, I was sort of expecting him to reciprocate, to verbally lash out to me. I was preparing myself mentally for being told some unpleasant things too. He did not do that though. He chose the high road of listening to my feelings, expressing his own views and feelings in that matter and not trying to distract from it by bringing up my own flaws , (which there are many).
During these talks I was in Germany and he was in the US. And at one point he said to me: "I really hope you come to me again." He let me know that he cares about me. He let me know that he wants us to stay together. And he apologized to me again.
I had already booked a flight to the US when Gregory got sick for a few weeks and a family member of him was involved in an accident. And I got to tell you, I felt so stupid and guilty. I had this feeling of; "why were we even arguing? life is so short, things can change so quickly..."
Some time later I was finally back in the US with Gregory again and things between us worked out very well. We had a great time together. Both of us enjoyed it immensly.
Now I am back in Germany and looking forward to the next meeting with Gregory.
It feels like the fact that we had this huge argument on the airport and the fact that we were able to settle it is now a stabilizing factor in the relationship. The hurricane has cleared the air. It gives me a sense of safety and security to know that Gregory is still in my life.
I learned that it is ok for me to express my feelings.
I learned that Gregory wont leave me, even when things get messy.
I learned that he is willing to work on our relationship with me.
I learned that we already are a team, much more than both of us had realized.