Monday, April 19, 2021

crazy how our brains work

I am not in a good spot emotionally. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hate it. My depression has returned full force and I am feeling pretty lost. I am talking to a shrink once a week, and she is super helpful. I don't know how I could make it without her. 

I was pretty much emotionally burned out when I arrived in the US. And in the last months I thought I had somewhat gotten back to normal, but I am realizing: I am not back to normal yet. Depression is a powerful force. Everything feels like a struggle. I feel like crying, but I don't even have tears anymore.

Everything feels stressful for me. I feel under constant time pressure. And I feel like I don't have time for all the things/projects I wanna do. I wake up with the feeling of: "Fuck, the night is over, now I gotta face another day full of struggles and pressure."

My shrink says because I had so much pressure and time pressure in the past, my brain sends me these signals now, even  though I have much more time now than I had in Germany. It's like these thoughts are engraved in my brain now.

I try to get 10 000 steps in daily, and I am trying to eat healthy, but even going for a walk or cooking feels like a burden and a chore. The fact that we are taking care of an elderly family member is not helping.

Part of my problem is that I am (or have?)  a dependent personality. Meaning: I am always focused outwards. Part of my attention, if not most of my attention, is often focused outwards. I am so tuned in to my surroundings, I can feel when other people want something, or need something. And if I can help them, I do. I am always trying to make the people around me feel good. And more often than not, I am succeeding in that goal. That is why everybody loves me. Of course they do, I am a constant source for energy and happiness for them. I am always trying to please everybody. And the result is: they are happy, and I feel like going to bed and never ever waking up.

I am pretty much at loss now with where I wanna go in my life. Getting married and moving to the USA has been my dream for so long, and now I feel like: "That's it. That's all that is. I reached my goal." And honestly: I have no idea where to go from here.

Yes, I am preparing for the bar exam, but I cannot even imagine working full time anymore. 

I know I will always make it,... somehow...., but my problem is: I am so tired, the idea of having to struggle for 40 more years is just unbearable. I don't wanna struggle anymore. I am fed up with solving problems. I am fed up with always being at peoples service, and always wondering where my next money is coming from.

I received a 100 Dollar gift from a friend the other day, and it almost made me cry. I was so thankful for his support. It felt like the universe  -through him- is throwing me a life line. For a moment I could forget what I am constantly feeling: a feeling of failure. Oh, and btw: don't think for a moment that I am enjoying asking readers of my blog for financial support. Believe me, I do not. I feel like I completely failed in my professional life. Here I am now, being forty something, and what have I show off for myself? A German law degree that brought me nothing but problems to work pro bono for.

I realized that I have to change my thinking, especially when it comes to money and charging for my services. And I can report that I have been working diligently on changing my "money beliefs". I worked on it for months and months and months, and the result is: I still don't see any results. It is all still a struggle. I can live as a minimalist, I actually enjoy being a minimalist, but this constant worrying has gotten under my skin. As it is now, I think the California bar exam isn't gonna help me either. It feels like I am doomed. Whatever I do, I will never be able to just rest and relax and calm down.

One other big source of sadness is: I realized that the door for having children is about to close. I never thought that would happen to me. I was always great with kids. I always wanted kids. It fills me with enormous sadness to realize that my own "efforts" to become a mom were in vain.

On top of it all: A friend  has finally really gotten under my skin. He is traumatized and thinks that dd and women who - in the dd context-  enjoy punishing their husband are evil. Me, with my understanding personality, I can totally see where he is coming from. I see that his point of view does make sense, given his history. But the fact that I can understand him and even feel compassion for him, makes it unbelievably difficult for me to stay on my own course. I am having problems asserting myself already. Being told now - from a smart and articulate friend-  that the thoughts I am having are not ok, that is really difficult for me.

DD and the kink has always been my way of finding emotional release. The fact that he is now taking that away from me, makes it really difficult. Sure, I can hear you think: "what does it matter to your life what he thinks?" But the thing is: Over the years I have really liked the raw honesty between him and I. And the fact that he now says that even "consensual" kink action can traumatize or re-traumatize the man, that is a big deal for me. And it is one of the most off-turning thoughts ever.   What does it leave for me? Kinky games are not my cup of tea at all. I don't play kink. And in normal vanilla everyday life I am already more submissive than a housewife in the US in the 50ies. 

When it comes to dd and my husband: I loved the thought of having the man's ok to have things my way. I loved the power that the man handed over to me by submitting to me. I loved the silent trust in me. I loved the sign of "let's do it your way, I know that you know what you are doing". Thinking that I dont have all that anymore, that really makes me sad.

Monday, April 5, 2021

update

I really did it. The fees are paid and all hurdles are taken, I am really going to write the California bar exam on July 27 and 28. In case you are wondering what I am going to do in the next 4 months? Studying, studying, studying :-)

I got lots of legal books and courses to pay,  and if you wanna support me, just send me an amazon gift card to my email address, that would really help me out. 

Do I hear some of you guys thinking: "Tina, wtf, why are you always having money issues? "

Well, I can report that I am working dedicatedly on getting rid of that old program that is running more or less subconsciously in my brain still. 

The gist of  it is: When I was a kid, I was surrounded by people who actually had money, but who chose not to give me any. I had to struggle financially, while my dad was a Rolex wearing rich pimp and my step dad was a successful, rich orthopedic surgeon. But neither of them supported me. I remember days when I was - as a teenager- begging my dad for financial support, but he didn't give me any. And my step father was the very same. He didn't saw a need to give me anything either. My father was all like: "let the surgeon pay for her", and my step dad was like: " let the pimp pay for her."  And in the end I was in the middle and without any support at all.

The sad thing is: I grew up thinking that it is totally normal that other people do have a lot of dough, but that I don't deserve any of it. I grew up thinking and believing that I don't deserve to have money. I grew up thinking that I don't deserve to have my financial needs met.

Of course that was a terrible program for my German law firm. I worked and worked and worked and (subconsciously) didn't think that I deserve to be compensated adequately for my work. 

I am slowly but surely getting rid of that old program, but it is a slow process. And in asking you guys for help, I am reprogramming myself. I am sort of teaching myself that it is ok to ask for help and to have my own needs met.

On the female led relationship front: I realized once more that I got a very nonbelligerent, easygoing, amicable and kindhearted personality. I am not confrontational at all. And in a way I am very proud of that. I love to unify and unite and to mediate and too change my perspectives and to learn new stuff. I tend to adapt myself very easily to new situations. And even when situations are not easy for me, I still try to adapt.

That's why, over the years, I have interacted with men with all sorts of kink. Mohair and cashmere lovers, panty addicts, foot lovers, diaper fetishists, men who were searching for a mother figure, men who craved orgasm control, men who were looking for the emotional release that a good crying brings, line writing and spanking enthusiasts, men who were searching to get punishments from a strict disciplinarian,  etc etc etc.

For me, it didn't really matter what exactly their kink interest was. It was not important for me. For me the interesting aspect is allowing them to be vulnerable around me. I am not a black and white person at all. I see different aspects  and points of views in pretty much all situations and scenarios. 

I do understand now though that when it comes to having my own female led relationship, I am lacking something fundamental. I am lacking the courage to actually put myself first. I am lacking the courage to go for my own needs and wants, when it is contradicting to something the man in my life wants.

I am always trying to please the people in my life. I am always trying to make them happy. I am always helping them to get their needs met. I usually opt for neglecting my own needs in order to make the other person/ the man happy. That is a recipe for disaster though if one wants to build a female led relationship.

In the last months I have been working hard on expressing more clearly and directly what I want. I have made pretty good progress, if I may say so myself :-)

And to all  of you who have read so far: Thank you so very much for your support. You mean A LOT to me. I do appreciate each and everyone of you very very much. I just published a short story on amazon. I am pretty sure you will love it. Here is the link: female led relationship story


Friday, March 26, 2021

One's innate nature is immutable.

 Hi everybody! 

I have been asked by a couple of people what's going on in my life, so I decided to give you all an update.

1. 

I made a HUGE professional decision: I am gonna take the bar exam in the US.

I had asked you all for ideas re my professional life, and I received quite some helpful support.  Thanks for all who wrote me, both in comments and in private emails.

The result was that I got enough courage /confidence to have a closer look into what the requirements are for me to become a member of the bar in the US. It varies from State to State, and I had a closer look at the  regulations in Texas, Ohio, New York, Illinois and California. It became clear that California is the best option for me. In California, if you are a qualified lawyer in good standing anywhere in the world, you are eligible to take the bar without extra education in the U.S.  

Right now I am in the process of collecting the relevant papers from the German bar, to prove that I am in good standing there etc. It's a bit of a hassle, but the goal is clear now. 

2.

I do know though that the most of you don't give a shit about my professional plans, lol, I know that you are here for the juicy details about my sex life and about my findings on kink and loving female domestic discipline. Ok, here it comes ;-)

My sex drive was completely gone for months. And by completely I really mean Completely. It was non-existent for a while. No intercourse, no spankings, no porn, no masturbation, nothing at all. My vanilla life was so full, I was so overwhelmed with moving to the USA, and there was so much other stuff that I had to deal with, therefore sex played no roll at all in my life. I was too tired to even think about sex in any way, shape or form. But now, -finally-, my sex drive is returning.

Loving domestic discipline, for me, is the most wonderful and intimate thing ever. For both parties it takes courage, love, and dedication. It brings people closer than most vanilla interaction ever can.

One of the best spanking memories in my life is from many years ago. I had spanked my then boyfriend at his very own office. Had given him a hand spanking over my knees, had made him stand in the corner, and had even given him a few with his own belt on his naked butt. It was exciting, and hot, and sweaty, and deep and emotional.

He was a man who usually didn't share his feelings openly. A very private person, and he never did public display of affection. That was just not his thing. But when we left the office that evening, both of us still "high" on endorphins,  he silently took my hand and we walked hand in hand through the night to his car. No words were needed. We were in perfect sync. It was one of the deepest moments of my life. It will forever be engraved in my brain.

He took the spanking for what it was. A sign of LOVE. Generally in life, if I dominate a man, I am always interested in building him up, making him bigger and stronger and helping him to let his light shine. 

Basically:

My dominant personality has risen again. I am ready to share more kinky stuff with you very soon. Stay tuned :-)

Friday, January 29, 2021

my american life

I am living here in the US now and I feel pretty confused. 

It feels like I reached the mountain top and I am asking myself: what now? Where do I go from here? What dreams do I still have? What do I wanna do with my future?

For years and years it has been my dream to be happily married. And moving to the USA has been my prime focus for the last 3 years. And now these 2 huge dreams have become reality and I feel like: What now?

My life is still pretty much a white canvas. 

I dont feel much energy to focus on getting a job here in the USA. I am still pretty burned out from my German law firm. I am still working on German cases at the moment, but not as many as I used to do when I was living in Germany.

I love the life of a house wife. It feels wonderful. I cook daily and love it. I dread getting back to working in the business world. I am not ready yet for the fast paced American business world. And I dont have any idea what I could do to earn my money in the future. I guess there have to be companies and people out there who need somebody with exactly my set of skills, but I have no idea how to find these people/companies.

If any of you lawyers and law people out there, and I know there are many of you reading my blog, lol, have an idea for how I should proceed business wise, dont hesitate to drop me a friendly line.

I have been offered a side job that is very much out of my comfort zone. Not sure if I am gonna take it. I promised myself to never ever bring myself in a business situation where I am always stressed and nervous and scared to make  a mistake.

I miss you guys and I miss interacting with you. I miss you a lot. I dont really have anything to say to you when it comes to the kink though. The only man in my life is my husband and he was very clear in saying: Leave me out of the blog.

It feels like I dont believe in ttwd anymore. It feels like a huge charade. It used to be such a huge part of my life in the last 10 years, but it seems like what I was looking for and dreaming about does not exist for me. I have even stopped watching porn. 

I wanted the real domestic discipline deal. But I opted for love when I had to chose between dd and love.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

my father

It took me a while to write the following post. I apologize in advance if it is not interesting to you. I am using this blog mostly as a private journal. And I think it is about time that I finally write down some of the story about my dad. I am trying to find some closure and I think this post might help me.

My father was a very complicated man. He was charming, funny and sweet, but also manipulative, a liar and he could be very brutal. He once hired a guy to cut a woman's hair as punishment. And one time when I met him, I suddenly realized he had lost a finger. He had been in a fight with a client and the client had bitten of his finger.

All my live I wanted his love. He told me many times that he loved me, but I rarely felt it and his actions spoke otherwise.  

Looking back, I can see that my needs and my wishes never really mattered to him. He was too much focused on himself and too much focused on his own life, he just could not see me and my needs. He was too damaged. Or he just didnt give a shit.

At the time I was born, my father was a married man. And my mom was his mistress. 

I do have a half sister who is only 6 months younger than I am. It was complicated right from the beginning.

Over the years my father had 6 children from 4 different women. And all of the children had different approaches when it comes to dealing with dad. I have a sibling who fought against dad all his life. He is a drug addict now. One other sibling tried to not have any feelings involved when he interacted with dad. Another sibling ceased all contact with dad and moved in the Canadian wilderness.  We all tried to find our ways in dealing with dad. And my way was: I tried to support him and be there for him, and be nice to him, and be a good girl.

I grew up with my mom and her parents. I was very much loved by them.

When I was a kid, my father had the biggest and most successful brothel in a big german city. He was a living cliché. He made lots of money, drove Ferraris and 560 SEC Mercedes, and was wearing a huge Rolex watch. 

His wife was a prostitute and working for him.

I remember being a teenager and sleeping in one of the rooms with a whirlpool in the center and waking up and seeing myself in the huge mirror over the bed.

He never supported me financially. Even when my mom and I begged him for money, because money was so frigging tight, he just plainly refused to share his riches with us.

When I was 15 yo, my dad had a girlfriend my age. He was obsessed with her, and even got a tattoo with her name on his arm. He was over 50 yo at the time. The tattoo was so spectacular because it showed how crazy my father had fallen for that girl. He had been a sailor, a truck driver, a sales person, a pimp and he had never gotten a tattoo. And suddenly at the age of over 50 he gets a name of a girl on his arm?...

My father said some impressive things to me. One day, in regards to his young girlfriend, he said: "She got so much that you dont." And he said "I know she is bad for me, but she is so fucking good in bed."

It went ok with them for a while, but then the girl and my dad got in a huge fight and the police was called and the girl said my father had raped her.

He always denied the rape. And I believed him.

It came to a trial.

I was about 17 yo at the time and I was the only family member present at the trial. I was the only one who support my dad. 

When he was in prison, I was the one visiting him and paying him stuff with my own money.

We all felt like: once he gets out again, he will kill the girl. But the opposite was the case. As soon as he got out of prison, he contacted her, made up with her and they spent 60k Euro on vacation and fun.

I was completely uninteresting to him again.

A bit later he moved to Brazil, got 2 kids with a poor Brazilian woman, and when the money got tight for them, I was about 25 yo and in law school at the time, he called me and asked me to raise his two Brazilian kids in Germany for him. ... I declined to do that.

When I saw him the last time, I was about 35 yo  at the time, he asked me for money again. I told him: "I dont have any". And he replied: "Arent you a lawyer? If you are a lawyer and dont have any money by now, you will never make it in life."

I think the schema is: I was trying to please him and make him proud of me. But he was not interested in me. And all my efforts were in vain. Whatever I did, he always wanted more or something different. What I wanted and needed was never of any interest to him.



Friday, November 20, 2020

my father, my ex boyfriend and my fears

 A longtime reader and dear friend offered some valuable insight recently.

My experience is that when you have a pattern that keeps repeating itself, there is something deeper at play. Your narrative takes as a given that your kink is a good thing that should be indulged. Have you ever challenged that assumption? Other than a general need for “control” have you looked at what really drives the intensity of your desire for someone to submit to you?

(...). My “kink” is considered a form of “traumatic repetition,” which means I am trying to control the fear I had as a kid by recreating the traumatic situation as an adult.

I pondered his words for a while and I a realized that when it comes to my kink and sexuality, I am driven by fear much more than I had realized. 

The thing is, my fears are so deeply embedded in my heart/soul, it is pretty tricky for me to access the roots of these feelings. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I can share a couple of events with you that deeply formed who I am now.

I love men, but at the very same time I am often in fear of them. It feels as if I have to constantly please them. And if I dont please them, something bad happens.  (Another reader of the blog mentioned these aspects years ago. If you are reading this, yes, you were right.) For me, men are very unpredictable. And scary. And I know that I don't stand a chance against them when it comes to physical stuff. I saw my step dad slapping my mom in her face. I know that my biological dad once hired a guy to violently cut a woman's hair, in order to punish her. I experienced a drunk boyfriend violently ripping the car keys out of my hand when I had told him: "I am driving, you cant, you are too drunk." I know what it feels like to be helpless in the presence of somebody who is physically so much stronger than I am. 

I think one reason why sub men are so attractive to me is: I know men are physically stronger than I am. I know that men have the power to hurt me very much. Both physically and emotionally. And I know that men can be very easily triggered by something I do or say and in consequence yell at me and/or make my life more difficult. In business life that is perfectly fine with me. I have no problems dealing with loud or threatening men in court, for instance. But in my private life: I am scared very easily and often.

I can take care of myself. I am capable of fighting my own fights for myself. I don't need a provider. I am very able to take care of myself. And even when it comes to sexuality: I do know how to pleasure myself.

Letting my guard down and letting a man in my life and showing him my vulnerability didn't come easy for me at all. For a very long time the risk seemed so much higher than the potential gain. That's one of the reasons why I lived as a single woman till my mid thirties. It just did not feel safe to give myself in the hands of somebody who could hurt me that much.

Submissive men offer me the greatest gift possible. They are treating me nicely. They don't yell at me. they don't hurt me physically, they don't threaten me with physical harm, they actually care about me and my feelings. They are willingly and freely giving up the power that they have over me, in order to please me and make me happy. And they allow me to relax and to feel loved and valuable and seen. In being strong enough to making themselves vulnerable around me, these guys allow me to show them my vulnerability too. And in the beginning, I don't even need to show them my vulnerability much. They actually enjoy me being dominant and in charge. They allow me to feel good and do what I am good at and at the same time they don't bring me in a position where I am scared to do something wrong and piss the guy off in a bad way. I think it is safe to say that when I am doing kinky activities with a man, I have never ever actually hurt the man in a bad way. I value his gift to me way too much. Him understanding how thankful I am for the gift of his submission to me is one of my biggest goals.

Btw: I understand now that this is what connects me with James, one reader of my blog, in a very strange way. He (as a submissive man) experienced one of my biggest fears as a domme. The woman in his life didn't understand him correctly, the woman didn't get what he is actually craving and needing, and in doing the kinky things she did to him, she hurt him very much for real and caused him long-lasting and severe pain.

Intellectually I am very sure that I didn't cause any real pain to any man I ever interacted with. But there are parts in me who are convinced that I fucked up big time with a sub I had. And I am just not able to quiet these parts in me down.

You all read about the story with my ex boyfriend. The guy I dated from 2010 to 2014. The gist of it is: He was submissive. We were together for 4 years, I wanted to marry him and he ghosted me. In the last 6 years, since 2014,  he has refused all contact with me. And when I flew around half the globe in 2015 to meet him and to bring things to closure between us, he actually hid from me. He was totally shunning me. Still is.

The thing is: I never found closure with him. It is still a hurting and open wound and my internal self-talk in that matter is really bad. My brain says:  "He is fighting his own demons. His behavior says much more about him than about you." But my heart says: "Bullshit. You completely failed him. It is all your fault. If only you had behaved differently, if only you had acted differently, if only you were differently." I am deeply convinced that I must have somehow failed him. It feels like I somehow let him down big time and he is now punishing me by ending all contact with me for good. It feels like he doesn't think I am even worthy of one single word or one single minute of his time anymore. 

I have tried to find closure in the last 6 years, but could not. And I have reflected about it what's going on in me for all that time. I meditated about it. I prayed over it. I spoke with my shrink about it. I have begged him for closure, and pleaded with him, and tried to please him into helping me to get closure, but to no avail. All the years he has chosen to stay completely silent. He completely shut me out of his life.

And the horrible thing is: I cant hate him. I somehow think he must be justified in his strong reaction to me because I must have somehow treated him super badly and caused him terrible harm. I still get tears in my eyes just thinking about the fact that he chooses to cut me out of his life for good. And the aspect that is driving me crazy is: I have no fucking clue what I could have done to earn such a behavior/punishment from him. 

My best friend, who actually met the ex-boyfriend in person, told me a few days ago: 

"Tina, your reaction to the whole ex- boyfriend story is so strong, I doubt that the man is actually responsible for that strong reaction. He must have triggered deeper , more hidden parts in you. And my guess is that it is related to stuff you experienced with your father."

I knew immediately that my friend was right. My ex was or is a wonderful father to his kids. There is no doubt about it that he is great dad material. He is quite a bit older than I am, and I can totally see that he triggered feelings related to my father in me.

So I thought: Sigh, ok, let's look at my father.

To be continued.



Sunday, November 15, 2020

America, subs and me

A reader asked me a while ago:  

I'm interested though in what you like about the US compared to Germany if you care to talk about it.

I pondered that question a long time. And the answer I gave myself surprised me quite a bit. The answer is: I like Germany much better than the USA. I am a bit reluctant to open that discussion. Here on my blog I am usually staying away from anything political as much as I can. Therefore please note: Here comes MY very personal opinion. I am not saying it is the objective truth, I am just saying it is my own anecdotal experience and my own  point of view.

I love the Americans, I really do. And always have.

How do you explain a feeling? It´s hard to do. And it´s even harder to explain why you feel what you feel.

  • I have rarely met an American abroad that I did not like. I like that they are so easy to get in a conversation with, I like that they are so laid back. 
  • I grew up in a city where the US Army had a base. And I remember, even as a young teenager, I always wanted to see/meet these cool men.
  • I love the language. I started learning English in 7th grade and have never ceased to learn and love that language. In school and later in life I also learned Latin, French, Spanish, Swedish, even some Portuguese, but the only language that really was of interest to me was English. When I was in France a year ago, I could hardly speak a word French anymore, even though I used to be fluent in it. English has taken over in my brain :-)
  • I remember, during the time when I dated the German guy, one evening we were watching YouTube together, and we were watching an English show. He suddenly said to me: "can we switch to something German , please". And I only thought: "What? I cannot watch only German tv and shows for the rest of my life. That's impossible". It was at exactly that moment that I realized: "he's not the one for me."
  • During law school I worked in a Marriott hotel in Munich, there were many American guests, I loved every minute working there. It was just FUN talking with the Americans and they always tipped exorbitantly. ;-) They were always easy to recognize, with their polo shirts on, of course always neatly tugged in, and their sports shoes. :-)
  • American English makes me feel good. It triggers feel good feelings in me. And it allows me to be more open and fearless and to see more of my own worth.


I received the following comment recently:

I think your husband was unfortunately right due to the way society is. Again, I don't know what the view of bdsm is in Germany but in the US I think he would be looked down on. I know I would be and its why I am in the closet. I don't post face pictures of myself even on vanilla dating sites making it hard to meet women. Someone told me bdsm in Europe is looked on like a hobby or interest for the most part.

Here its looked on unfavorably. Submissive women can fit in easier to society but definitely not sub men and dominant women have a hard time. Sub women would be looked at unfavorably if they say they enjoy having the man in charge or being punished. Being sub goes against American values of individuality, to serve another is not in keeping with the culture.

Yes, there is a difference between how bdsm is seen in Germany and in the US. I really do think that it is easier for German men to be openly submissive. I do think that the German society is indeed much more open and accepting to bdsm. I never had a problem with having my kink. My brother knows about it and doesnt care a bit, my mom knows about it and is fine with it. I am sure that my deceased father would be ok with it and my step father too. people might not share our kink, but they are fine with us having it.

I think the German society is still very much influenced, if not traumatized, by the events from 1933-1945. There is no doubt that we were "the bad ones". It is still hard to stomach what horrific things the Germans did. It is a huge guilt that the Germans have to carry. We grow up with the knowledge that our ancestors fucked up big time. And this knowledge is rubbed in our face over and over and over again. It never ends. It is always in the back of our minds. And the feeling of: "You are forgiven, everything is good again", just never comes.  (Just recently we were invited to have dinner (post pandemic of course) with a friend of my partner, and the friend said to my partner: "My wife is Jewish. I hope there won' t be a problem with your German wife?" )

In Germany, we learned to be open minded, to question our believes, to question our own actions and to accept that we are flawed people. 

And  I look in surprise and with a bit of envy on so many US men, who actually and honestly and really believe that they are living in the greatest country of the world. I shake my head in perplexity. Why do you believe that? What is it that makes the US so extraordinary in your opinion?  It must be pretty cool to have such a childlike and simple view of the world. I wonder often what it feels like to grow up with the believe of: "we are the greatest", instead of: "we fucked up big time."

In Germany, for decades, it was impossible to even think about uttering the words: we are the greatest.

And tell me, what exactly are these people who are so proud of the USA actually proud of? I really dont see many reasons that make the USA better or greater than so many other countries. 

Nobody here in the US gives a shit about environmental protection. Let's just keep using plastic and cans and let our children deal with cleaning it up.

Gas is cheap, why even looking into ways to use the car less?  Let's keep living as if climate change does not exist.

And all the hatred for the immigrants... I can tell you, immigrating is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I am not coming from a place of war or drama. Btw: did you know that the American consulate, when handing out the green card, also hands out a flyer which states the immigrants rights in a domestic violence situation? Obviously there are a lot of Americans out there who beat their new wives up once they are in the country... 

The whole homeless situation in big cities is making me wanna cry. And all that so many people do is buying a Mc Donalds burger for a homeless person and thinking they did a great act...

Speaking about food: the quality of the food here is so much worse than in Europe. People in the US are obviously not used to cooking for themselves anymore.  In the food you can buy are tons of artificial ingredients added and I am not surprised that so many Americans suffer from diabetes. It is hard to eat healthy food here. The whole system is set up to make you buy fast food...

People are so financially unprotected and poor that they actually have to go to work despite being covid positive... I could go on and on. And I really do think  it is bewildering that people are actually PROUD to live in a country like this.

But hey, at least the lawn looks perfect, so that the neighbors think I got my shit under control....

Being sub goes against American values of individuality, to serve another is not in keeping with the culture.

The commenter is right. I do think that is very sad though.

We all have a need to be connected. We all have a need to help and support and uplift one another. We are social creatures. It seems strange to me that this is not valued much more.

Monday, November 9, 2020

blind spots and arousal templates

I am finally living in the US now. It is a very strange feeling, it feels almost unreal. A dream came true and I am still fascinated that it actually happened. So far I am pretty happy here.  :-)

With the US so divided, and both sides being so convinced that they are "the good ones", I thought a lot about blind spots. At the moment, even smart people really don't seem to see/understand the other side. And I have been thinking more than once: why on earth don't they see what I see? 

But no worries, I am not going to write about politics here. I am more interested in what I can learn for my own life and my own relationship.

I am wondering where my blind spots are and what I am not seeing.

Just as we have visual blind spots when looking at the road through our car mirrors, we also have psychological blind spots - aspects of our personalities that are hidden from our view. These might be annoying habits like interrupting or bragging, or they might be deeper fears or desires that are too threatening to acknowledge. Although it's generally not pleasant to confront these aspects of ourselves, doing so can be very useful when it comes to personal growth, and when it comes to improving our relationships with others - there is undoubtedly something we do that, unbeknownst to us, drives our significant others, roommates, or coworkers a little crazy. So how do you know what your blind spots are? (http://psych-your-mind.blogspot.com/2011/08/friday-fun-psychological-blind-spots.html)

I am not working (much) at the moment, but I am trying to grow as a person. I spend hours each day contemplating and thinking about my life so far, about my past, my failures and successes and where I wanna go from here.

Since you are all here for the kink, I wanna focus on the kink aspects.

I am a bit at loss when it comes to this thing we do. I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing wrong, but there is no kink in my life anymore. At all. And the strange thing is: this has happened to me before and I have not figured out why. I am living a vanilla life, despite having strong dominant needs and cravings. I am masturbating to F/m stuff and at the same time try to submissively please my partner in the real world.

I literally had hundreds of submissive men courting me over the years, I know since I am a teenager that vanilla sex does not interest me at all, and all porn I ever got turned on on (? my English still sucks....) is D/s.

The questions I am cogitating about are: why don't I get what I am craving? why am I preventing myself from getting what I want? why do I create scenarios where I end up in a vanilla relationship?

The answers / the keys to these questions have to be in me. I am the master of my life. I am creating everything that happens in my life. And when I am having no kink in my life, despite blogging for 10 years about how important the kink is for me and how much it turns me on and how much I enjoy it, there needs to be something going on within me that is preventing me from getting what I want. There needs to be an aspect or elements that I am not seeing. I need to have a blindspot that I am not aware of.

Years ago I had a wonderful conversation with wdspoon and (if I recall correctly) he told me that he always found women who matched his needs. That was very interesting to me, because up until then I had heard many many men complaining about how hard it is to find a dominant woman. I never forgot that conversation because I realized that it is possible to get own needs met, despite how hard it seems and how unfavorable the statistic seems.

So why am I shooting myself in the foot when it comes to getting my sexual needs fulfilled?

One place that blind spots can be found is in strong reactions. An unusually strong negative or positive reaction or stance may suggest engagement in a process Freud called reaction formation. Reaction formation involves unconsciously transforming an unacceptable or undesirable impulse into its opposite. For example, according to this view, former New York governor Elliot Spitzer's efforts to crack down on prostitution when in office may have been a direct reaction to his own desire for and involvement with prostitutes.

I have seen the same reaction formation in many Christians. Ted Haggard for instance comes to mind. I am not so sure though if my D/s blindspot is in that area. I think I am pretty comfortable with my  D/s cravings. 

But recation formation is a possibility, of course. Maybe I am secretly submissive and dont wanna live these aspects?  I really did perceive my  vanilla submissive mom as very weak and I grew up thinking: A woman doesnt cry.  My mom was crying (over men ...) a lot and I made a promise to myself to not do that. Hence my nickname: the strong woman.

In one study (Morokoff, 1985), female participants high in sexual guilt deemed erotic imagery to be unacceptable and reported low arousal in response to it. Physiological measures revealed, however, that these same participants actually showed the highest levels of arousal. The same pattern was later found among homophobic men, who were more physiologically aroused by videos depicting homosexual intercourse than were non-homophobic men (Adams, Wright, & Lohr, 1996)  This tendency is not confined to sexuality. Harsh judgments of others' behavior may reveal a personal insecurity - for example, that highly ambitious co-worker may especially irritate you because of your own unexpressed ambitions. Blind spots in these cases need not be objectively negative traits, just traits that are experienced as personally shameful or unacceptable.

I think it is fair to say that I am actually a very strong and courageous person. And I do know that I can be very dominant in real life. (Just ask my sister, lol, she will tell you what a bitch I am and how dominant I am). But at the same time I am super insecure about myself. I don't value myself enough. I am my own very harsh critic. I don't give myself much credit for what I have achieved in life. I don't think I am worthy to be pampered. I am always focused on fulfilling other people's needs. Putting myself and my needs first in a relationship doesn't come easy to me. My shrink says that is a behavior that I learned when I was very very young and therefore it is quite difficult to change.

I am the most understanding person you can think of. I understand pretty much everything when it comes to human behavior. There is not much that can scare me away from a human being. I am a healer and I am proud of it. Healing people is easy for me. You can wake me up in the middle of the night, tell me that you are sad, or unhappy, or depressed, and I will be able to come up with 100 true reasons why I think you are amazing. And I will truly think that you are amazing. Supporting people in need is something I have been doing all my life.

I think I am doing to people what I wish people would do to me.

And my theory is: as far as the kink is concerned, in the beginning of a relationship, when all is new, I am fully and completely focused on the man. I want to understand him, I wanna know what he feels, I wanna know what works for him, I wanna know his dreams and  fears and hopes and arousal templates. I wanna know as much as I can. the more I know, the easier it gets for me to do my "magic" and make him feel good. 

And in the beginning, generally speaking, the men that enter my life are more than happy to give me what I want. They feel seen and cherished and special. And they are all that to me. I think that is why it is very easy for the men to submit to me during that phase. And I love every moment of it. I really do. It makes me feel amazing, vibrant, alive and happy. And turned on, of course, lol. I think: "bingo. how lucky I am " 

But then comes a point when all of a sudden the men start to withdraw again. We are still in a relationship, we still get along very well, we still think the other person is wonderful, but the men -for me completely out of the blue- stop submitting to me.

At this point I usually tell myself: keep calm, it will come back.

But I had to learn the hard way that the kink doesn't come back.

If I ask in a playful way: "hey, come on, let's do stuff..." I dont get what I want because the men just said no.

And I am sure as hell not gonna beg a man to pretty please let me dominate him.

There has never been any explanation, any talk , any conversation... the kink just stopped. I have no idea what the men were thinking, really no fucking clue. My best guess is: I came emotionally too close. I saw facets of them that they usually hide. I scared them away. 

I guess what I asked for was too much. Because in all honesty: The thing that turns me on the most is domestic discipline. Not playful dress up with leather and latex, not sexy high heels and a big scene, but real life, unspectacular but powerful D/s like me reaching over to him, putting my hand on his thigh and telling him: No you cant have a 3rd beer.   

I think the moment the guy says to me: "I am gonna have that 3rd beer anyway." It feels like something in me switches. I feel like: "Fuck, I have been so nice to you, why cant you just fucking give me what makes me happy and what I need? "

My problem is: In these situations I still think he is awesome, I still love him like crazy, I still think he is wonderful, but I also secretly start to grow anger inside. I am getting angry because I have no way to fulfill my own needs. how could I? I can not just non-consensually dominate a man. That's illegal and furthermore not how I roll. I need his submission freely given by him, and not non-consensually taken by me.

In a way, it feels like betrayal. I have invested so much in the man, and in return he does not give me what I crave the most: his submission. And to make it hurt even more, he is giving it to me for a while, only to then withhold it from me. I can tell you; That sucks big time.

I think I made one big mistake in the past: I more or less assumed that the submissive men I had contact with where strong and self confident enough to submit to me. But in hindsight I think the men only were strong enough to open up to me and let me get as far as I came because I am actually great at opening people up emotionally. I think the men that I met were generally super private and guarded and only allowed me to dominate them (for a while) because I really am good at making people feel safe. I can be the most non threatening motherlike person you can think of.

But: If the (former submissive) guy wants the vanilla version of a relationship with me , I expect him to take as good care of my needs as I took care of his when I was in the dominant position. And they rarely do. In my experience I am suddenly stuck in a vanilla relationship where the guy still expects me to bend over backwards for him, without him giving me the gift of his submission. And that is a very unpleasant situation for me to be in.

After hearing so many stories from submissive guys and reading so many stories of guys who dream of having a dominant girlfriend, it was pretty shocking to realize how few "submissive" men actually are wiling to put in the effort to give me what turns me on.

Just as extreme negative reactions to a trait in others might suggest the presence of that trait in oneself, extremely positive attitudes or behaviors may suggest a lack, or a feared lack, of a desired trait. Research shows that people who want to appear non-prejudiced may go to great lengths to demonstrate their generosity and positive attitudes towards a stigmatized group, especially when their sense of themselves as a non-prejudiced person is threatened. Other kinds of overly positive or rigid attitudes may also suggest underlying negativity, ambivalence, or doubt.

I really dont know where I stand. maybe I am more judgmental and egoistic than I think. And maybe I am asking for too much. Who knows?  As you can see, I dont have many answers, but still many questions :-)


Monday, October 19, 2020

Hallelujah!

 I finally made it happen. I am living in the USA now!

I have been working behind the scenes and was able to resolve all problems. I was granted the visa and I already am in the USA now. 

Thank you very much to all of you who have reached out to me and supported me emotionally and legally. 

By not hiring an immigration lawyer for the whole process but doing it myself I saved thousands of bucks but got grey hair :-) The following saying came to my mind more than once, lol: "a man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client". But anyway, I made it happen. :-)

It feels very strange to finally live here. I have been in the US many many times over the last 20 years or so, but actually living 24|7|365|forever in America with my American husband still feels very unreal.

The goodbye from Germany and my German family was harder than expected. I am glad that part is over.

My whole life is a white canvas now and I am not sure yet what I am gonna paint on it, figuratively speaking. Very exciting and also pretty scary.