being made to write lines

I am usually the one handing out lines.

There is one guy however who made me write lines.
And I wrote them.
It happened only once.
It is not easy for me to submit, to let go, to give up control.

I wrote them because it comforts me to know that he cares.
I trust him and value him enough to let him have the lead here.
I enjoy the calmness that comes with writing the same sentence over and over.

It feels like a meditation.
Calmness and peace washes over me.
I enjoy the fact that the job is clear and easy: "write the lines".
Nothing else to do.
Life can be so easy :-)

insight, insight, insight

So much has happened in my life in the last weeks, I don`t even know where to start :-)

Since January 1, 2016 I have been actively working on myself. I did course/class after class.

I lost weight with Paul McKenna, I focused on my love life with Katherine Woodward Thomas, I worked on loving myself and the people in my life more with Catherine Ponder, I tapped with Brad Yates, I listened to Abraham Hicks, I worked with Scott Grace. And I found Byron Katie and "the work." All of these "spiritual teachers" have given me valuable input. 

I did nothing but trying to improve me, myself and my life. After all, I had nothing else to do in my private life because there was no man left to focus on ;-)

And the insight I gained was pretty much  mind-blowing. 

I did Byron Kathies work on my believe of: "My ex does not love me anymore" (and I mean "love" in its broadest form, as a woman, as a friend, as a human being,  physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually etc.)

And man, did I get answers! It was like I opened the door and saw a whole new world.

I felt like a fool for a while. I can`t believe how ignorant I had been. For months and years I had been trying to understand what is going on between ex and I, and now I finally see clearer. 

Only I don`t like too much what I see. Because I can see now how much I contributed to the unsatisfying situation between him and I. 

I can see crystal clear now how he has been trying to communicate with me,

how I did not listen carefully enough to the words he was saying, 

how I blocked his efforts to make me understand his side of things,

and I can see clearly how much he had showered me with his love.

I can see how emotional giving he was, 

how open and vulnerable he had been towards me. 

He had no problems showing me his feelings openly, as I had always so strongly demanded. Only I was not able to see and understand the depth of the gift he was giving.

I can see clearly now how I threatened him with my behavior 

and how I contributed to him feeling uncomfortable.

I kid you not, when I first understood as what /or how he might perceive me, I got stomach pain and almost vomited.

(On a side note and only for those of you who are interested: A very eyeopening video I saw is this: eyeopening video. This video was super interesting for me in regards to domestic discipline  as well. It is pretty mind blowing how courageous and open some of the men in the audience share their feelings in the end of the video. It made me realize over and over again how careful I have to be with a man who trusts me enough to be in a domestic discipline relationship with me. I can't watch this video without wanting to frigging spank myself for being sooooo dumb and ignorant towards my Ex.)

In Byron Katies work, one needs to meditate on the specific believe (here for me: "Ex does not love me anymore"), is it really true? how can you positively know that it is true? and then meditate on and work with variations of it:

"I don´t love Ex anymore": The answer was clear as always: Not true. :-)

The key answer for me was found in:

"I don`t love myself anymore"

This has nothing to do with my ex at all. It is just stuff that I carried from my past.

Good news is: I am learning to love myself again :-) I know I am on a good way. 

Not too long ago I read and commented on Lady Greys blog.  You can find the post and comments here:  https://womanincontrol.blogspot.de/2016/05/a-referral.html

There was a misunderstanding, anonymous had made a harmless comment and Lady Grey felt attacked.

Anonymous wrote (to Lady Grey): "all i said was, i like your blog like many others and i wish you'd update it more often, i said nothing rude, my ex was like you, whenever i said something that could mean 2 things, she always assumed the worst, try to change that, people don't like it."

Even though anonymous comment was directed towards lady Grey, I knew immediately that the shoe fits me too. (is this even a saying in English? Not sure. With ex out of my life, my English is getting worse again, *smile.)

And, lol, my feelings did not betray me. Read what fur sissy wrote: 

"Tina, I have followed your blog for years as well. I used to comment there, but I remember you not agreeing with my comments very much (~2012) so I pulled back into the role of spectator. I still am a reader though. "

See, my dear readers, here it is again: i am obviously pretending to love openness and honesty and sharing feelings. And at the same time I am behaving in a way that makes the man withdraw himself and shut up because I did not create an environment where the man feels safe enough to give me his honest thoughts. Pretty interesting thought.

my feelings in "dommespace"

A lot has been written about "subspace",  that very special place the submissive enters when he totally trusts his dominant partner, and totally immerses in a scene. Subspace is the moment when a submissive can completely let go, when he becomes one with the "scene" and totally forgets the "real world". 

Today I´d like to make a few comments about the feelings I have while dominating a man.

For me, being mentally and emotionally in the "dommespace" is a very refreshing and revitalizing experience. "Dommespace" is an enormous source of energy, power, happiness and well-being for me. The kink, and living my dominant side, is helping me to get in alignment with my natural positive attributes. It helps me to see my natural beauty, my natural perfectness, it showers me with optimistic thoughts, it gives me a sense of  "all is well". It helps me to get in the vortex.

In my daily life, I am both very dominant and very submissive. As a lawyer I tend to be a fearless mercenary who leads the clients out of the legal and emotional jungle. I know I can be a dominant asshole in court. I sometimes even intentionally provoke the opponents in court, just to let everybody know who is boss, lol, namely me ;-)  But at the same time I am "prostituting" myself to my clients. The clients tell me what they want, and I do what they want me to do.

Quite a few of the cases I am working on at the moment are cases that I personally would solve totally different in my private life. I don´t think that the clients are choosing the right way in having a legal dispute. And I told them about my concerns. But they did not listen to me, wanted to keep going the way they had started, and me, I am fighting battles for them, battles that are completely useless and a huge waste of my time and energy. 

It´s like they tell me: "Tina, jump." 

And I say:" really? swimming would be much easier and faster" 

And they say: "it is a matter of principle for me. The opponent needs to learn that he cant behave that way".

I tell them: "do you want to be right or happy?" 

They say to me: "Tina, you have to understand, the opponent is treating me sooooooo badly, I cant sleep at night, he is not respecting me as a person, he has done this with other people as well, he needs to learn a lesson. etc etc etc" 

At this point I usually ask myself: Why am I trying to "argue" with my own clients?  And in the end I ask my client: "ok, sigh, how high do I need to jump?" 

My brother had the "pleasure" of being present during 3 such conversations I had with clients today. And his conclusion was: "I wonder how you can do this. This is unbearable. These people are totally crazy. They need to see a psychiatrist, not a lawyer". Most of the time, people are not having legal problems, but unfinished emotional business that manifests itself in a legal dispute. But at the same time: they are my clients. 

Generally speaking: In my business life I am quite often in situations where I am expected to be submissive to my clients and at the same I am expected to be a mean and dominant attorney who is gonna kick the opponents ass.

In a way, some of my clients are powerfully topping from the bottom, and I don´t like this.

In my private life I want a man who is generally dominant in life, but who is submitting to me in his private life. I want the special gift of his submission to me. I don´t want other people to know that he is submitting to me in the relationship. I want it to be a secret, a special thing between the two of us. Nothing I want to brag about in public, but something I want to immensely enjoy in private.

The more dominant the man in real life is, the more I enjoy dominating him in our private life.

I dont want him to enjoy the scenes too much. Because if he does, it feels like I am catering to his needs and pampering him and trying to please him and making him happy. (And I do this anyway in the relationship. Of all the things I have ever been accused of in a relationship, neglecting the needs of my partner has never been a reproach I had to hear.)

For me, in my little sexual mind, the scene is hottest and best, if the dominant man who loves me and even told me so, submits to something I want him to do /experience/undergo without really liking it too much.

 This is why I for example love punishment lines so much. Punishment lines are not sexual or hot or kinky in itself. The man has to sit down and write the same line over and over again. Sometimes for hours. There is no instant gratification for him. He is not sexually teased, he does not enjoy it, 

If a man is writing these lines for me, it is a good way for me to get deeper in my "dommespace". Him writing the lines catapults me easily in a horny and kinky state of mind. The underlying message I get from him by writing the lines is: 

"I trust your leadership. I know that you know what you are doing. I am not trying to manipulate you or make you change your mind. I respect that you are in charge. I acknowledge that you are having my best interests in mind, and even though I hate writing the lines I do love you enough to write them for you."

If the man shows me his submission in such a way, my mind seems to expand, I tend to have good new ideas, I get in a great mood, I get energetic, I get adventurous, I feel invigorated and  I get turned on. 

If subspace is a good tool to "forget" the real world, dommespace for me is an awesome tool to live life to the fullest and to experience the real world in all its beautiful colors. It is like dommespace helps me to see all the potential that real life has to offer. It very much empowers me. Once I am in dommespace I feel refreshed, I feel alive, I feel like "Nothing is impossible".

the german guy

I was a bit reluctant to share the following story with you guys because it is not really a story with a happy ending. And I am not really proud of it. I decided to write about it anyway though because I know there are quite a few guys out there who have followed my love life with some interest. And I think it is appropriate to give you a more or less "full" picture of the events in my love life :-)

Ok, let´s start:

I really tried to accept the fact that my former boyfriend had dumped me. I tried to accept his decision and I tried to move on with my life. And, I finally did what many of you had recommended to me years ago: I found a german guy. A german submissive guy.

I met him online, we played a bit online, then he asked whether he can come and see me, and I agreed. I let him come and visit me at my home for a weekend. I felt secure and I knew he would do me no harm.

We spent the weekend together, he liked me, liked my family, liked the kinky things I did to him.

When the weekend was over he asked whether he is allowed to return, and I said yes.

He returned the next weekend and a few days later again. And for some reasons that do not matter much he stayed longer and longer at my place. He more or less moved in with me. It was easy and fun for me. I had been so thirsty for male attention. And I was still so confused after my grandmas death.

And it was a nightmare for my mom, who had suddenly to deal with a stranger in her kitchen on a daily basis. :-) He was suddenly there. Suddenly a part of my life. Pretty much from zero to 100 in 5 seconds.

He adored me. And I knew it. We spoke about children and a future together, he wanted to take on my family name, find a job in the area where I live, and: He wanted me to be his wife. He proposed to me.

I said "yes".

I sooooo wanted this to happen. He seemed so perfect. And both him and I we literally jumped in this waaaaay to quickly.

We agreed on a date for the wedding, I spoke with his mom, my mom learned to accept him ;-) All seemed perfect.

And as suddenly as it all had started, I suddenly realized: No, I cannot do this. There is only one man I love, my former boyfriend.

Due to the fact that my former boyfriend had been so hesitant in telling me "It´s over, I dont want you anymore" I know what it feels like to be left waiting and hoping and wishing. And I wanted to make sure the german man does not hope for something that I knew would not happen. This gave me the strengths to be super clear and direct. I ended everything with a complete clarity. There was nothing he could do. I had made up my mind. He tried to make me reconsider. He wanted to have a chance, wanted me to give us a try, but I was cold as ice. I said no to all his efforts of finding a way to work things out between us. I felt like: being clear and unwavering is the least I can do.

The whole story still today makes me feel terrible. I feel still super guilty towards him. I pray to God that he finds a woman who loves him as much as he deserves. I still feel uncomfortable just thinking at the days with him and my somewhat brutal decision to end it as abruptly as it had begun.

The lesson I learned for myself: There is and always was only one man I love: my former boyfriend.

My love life is non- existing these days, but my business is thriving, lol.

feelings I have while spanking a man

Just a short thought that crossed my mind today:

When I spank a man, when he is over my knees, it is as if I am saying to him: "I got you, babe. I got everything under control. I can take charge of things. I know what`s right or wrong and I am gonna take care of it. You are safe with me. Trust me. Just let me lead the way and all is fine." Me spanking means I am giving. I am giving energy, care, guidance, and love to the man. I might be spanking him, but in reality I am showering him with love.

With my former boyfriend, the love of my life, the man I still love today, the situation is different. I always knew that he is smarter, stronger, and generally more experienced in life than I am. And, in real life, he is an awesome leader who does not need  much guidance from other people at all. When I spanked him, when I was having him over my knees, it was as if he was saying to me with his submission: " I got you, babe. I trust you. I let you lead the way. All is fine." Me spanking him meant: I am receiving. I received energy care, guidance, and love from him. In submitting to me and going over my knees he was showering me with his love. I felt just wonderful.

short update

Hi everybody,
just a short vanilla update on my life for those of you who are interested.

I sometimes wonder what old "online friends" like eg servingb, Her Majestys Plaything or MsMarie are doing. They stopped blogging and we probably wont ever hear from them again, which is a pitty.
So I decided to give you all at least an update on my life.

Basically: I am doing good. All is good in my life these days. As you know, my life in the last years has sometimes been quite a roller coaster, and therefore I am super happy now to have some balance and stability in my life.

I enjoy working in my law firm, my business is growing and clients trust me. I have established myself in the legal community.

Almost 2 years have passed since my beloved grandma passed away, and I am now slowly but surely regaining happiness and joy. I realize now how tired, exhausted, sad and depressed I was after my grandma`s death. It feels like slowly but surely a heavy curtain is lifted out of my life and /or off my shoulders. After grandmas death everything seemed hopeless and grey, and now the colors are returning into my life. A few weeks ago for the first time in "ages", I thought again: "Life is good".

I lost quite some weight and I feel super comfortable in my body again. Thanks Paul McKenna :-)
 ( http://www.amazon.de/Can-Make-You-Thin-Weight/dp/0593064437/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458579073&sr=8-1&keywords=i+can+make+you+thin)

In my private life, I am very much focused inwards these days. I focus on me, me, me. I pamper myself as much as possible and I spend my evenings focused solely on myself. I rarely see friends, I rarely go out, I rarely talk to friends on the phone. It seems as if my "giving" capacity is completely empty at the moment. For years I had given and given and give. Now I am in the process of learning to receive. A friend sent me the following prayer, a prayer for me. And I am still stunned that he actually DID pray for me when I once told him in an obiter dictum: "say a prayer for me". It is still a foreign concept to me, that I can be the one who receives good things/thoughts without even having to do anything. But if you want to, feel free to join him in the prayer for me and for the man I love. Your good thoughts are much appreciated :-)

Almighty and Loving God,
I pray for Tina and her man, you know who he is.
Bless them according to each promise in your Word.
Bless them with knowledge of good choices, with your peace, love, joy and hope.
Help them reach the choices they can reach in relationship with you as your children.
Assure them of your love and compassion for both of them and for each of them.
Hold them in the shelter of your wings and in the palm of your hand.
Speak to them Lord God, about their choices and limits in the lifestyle they are choosing.
Assure them of your great love for each of them and for both of them
The most urgent request is that you shelter them, love them and help them live in their individual and united relationship with you through Jesus Christ.

This is my prayer, in Jesus name.  Amen.

LOL, and by the way, you have to give me credits for once starting a domestic discipline sex blog and now blogging in that blog about prayers  ;-)
I am not only professional successful , in a good mood, and good looking these days, I am also still super unorthodox and unique ;-)

punishment lines and MY pleasure

One of the things that is really turning me off is: stupid and emotionally unintelligent but demanding men. I am fed up of trying to explain stuff to people who are obviously not able to understand me. And I am flabbergasted by how entitled some guys feel.

In the past, I have pretty much always replied friendly to any email that has arrived in my inbox, even if I could see right away that the men and I are completely incompatible. I always gave the men the benefit of the doubt, always explained my positions and thoughts and ideas to them. I put a lot of effort in making them feel safe and cared for, even when I told them: Nope, it´s not gonna work with the two of us.

Yesterday I got a long email from a german guy who did not see me at all. And I am really pissed of. I am so angry, and I dont even know what to do with my anger. I just feel so not understood. Somehow old feelings and wounds seem to be triggered by that guy and his email.

His email involved the ever so famous subject of "making a man write punishment lines". It is a subject that men often wanna talk with me about and it seems as if I am among the very few woman who like handing out such a punishment. 

He basically wrote me: "Hey Mistress, I saw you are handing out punishment lines. It would be soooooo hot for me when you do a and b and c and d for me. And please do this during that time frame and it can take so and so long. And I want you to make me feel so and so while I have to write the punishment lines. And I want you to be strict with me. 

And you can make me do this how you want to, but not on such and such day, because such and such day is a holiday in the area where I live." So what he was saying with it was probably: "on holidays I have other things to do"...Yeah, lol, right...This is exactly what I am looking for. NOT!

I got his email and knew: This is not gonna work with the two of us EVER.

But instead of ignoring his email and not replying or just brushing him off, I wanted to be friendly and sent him an email telling him:

XXX,

you know what you did not do? You did not change your perspective. The long email you sent was focused only around yourself and your needs. You did not think for a moment what I would need to make a decision for you. You have not given me any info on yourself at all. I dont want you to give up your anonymity, but telling me only your age and the city where you live is just not enough. In order to get a feeling of who you are I would need much more.

Please dont forget: In order to be successful you need to make a change of perspective.

And I want you to write that line for me 100 times and send me a picture when you are done.

Why did I tell him to write the 100 lines? Because I honestly thought that he could see his errors as soon as he is made to think about it. Plus: 100 lines does not take a long time to write and I knew he would enjoy that "punishment". After all, he IS into getting punishment lines. And he had made completely clear that 100 lines is within his frame of what he wants to do.

As expected, he wrote the lines and sent me a picture of it.

I replied by "well done" and he replied again something along the line of "I really hope you are taking me on as a student and give me many more lines. I can be a pretty naughty boy, especially to women and I deserve punishment for this and this reason". Despite having written 100 lines about the importance of a change of perspective, he was not able to switch from his perspective to mine.

I understood that there is no potential in him for me and I wrote him: 

"Dear XXX 

I will answer very honestly: No, there is not future.

We are looking for completely different things. You are interested in role plays and I am looking for something real, deep, long lasting. I dont play. I want to love and to be loved. If I- as I just did- hand out a punishment to you, we are energetically connected. Even if it seems as if I did not have much more to do than telling you "write that line 100 times", we are still vibrationally connected. In doing so I would give to you without receiving. And this is exactly something I dont wanna do in 2016 anymore.

Love 

Tina

For the german speaking readers; I added the real german email here. I really was open and caring and wishing him well when I wrote it.

Lieber XXX

ich antworte dir ehrlich und ohne um den heißen Brei herum zu reden:

Nein, das wird nichts mit uns beiden. Wir suchen völlig verschiedene Dinge. Du suchst ein Rollenspiel und ich suche was echtes und andauerndes und auf Zukunft aufbauendes und offenes. Ich will nicht spielen, ich will lieben und geliebt werden.

Wenn ich dir, wie gerade eben , eine Strafarbeit gebe, dann bin ich energetisch mit dir verbunden. Auch wenn ich scheinbar nichts weiter zu machen brauche als auf deine Strafarbeit zu warten, so sind wir doch miteinander verbunden. Ich würde geben, ohne genügend zu empfangen. Und das ist ja gerade etwas, das ich in 2016 ändern werde.

Alles Liebe

Tina

But of course, he fucking could not accept it. He wrote:  I dont think you are right. please dont give up on me. Love is too much of a word. I need punishment. It could be such a nice relationship.

I lost my patience and wrote:

"Let me be blunt: what is in it for me???

You want me to do something for you. To correct you and discipline you and punish you. And you have very specific ideas when and how I am supposed to do that. I do understand that this is all highly important to you.

And OF COURSE , there is love involved when I give you all that. That is not even a question. And I know you liked my first email, because I had thought about you and tried to feel you and gave you a custom made response. I had tried to understand you emotionally.

But what is it that you are willing to give to me?You dont see me as a woman at all. It is all about your needs and longings and wishes. That is ok , you can try to get your wishes fulfilled, but I wont do it."

And he replied:

"Of course it is about my needs to be dominated. And usually a Top`s needs are complementary (to my needs). You get your needs fulfilled by dominating me. That is not a one way street."

You know, I rarely wanna say this, but here I want: FUCK OFF. Get out of my life. Go and pay a professional dominatrix, but don`t waste my time. You fucking contacted me. You allegedly read my blog. My whole damn blog is full about what I am looking for and craving. How can you possibly think that I get turned on by dominating a random guy who I know nothing about and have no mental connection at all? A guy who is not willing to give me ANYTHING.  And even when I explicitly told you: "please try to understand my position" you were not able to see me as a woman.

For me, disciplining a man is a gift. A gift from me to the man. And I only want to give it to a guy who is worth my time and dedication and love and care. In order for me to get pleasure out of receiving punishment lines, I need to love the man. I need and want the man to give me access to his soul in order to get turned on by the punishment lines. For me, there is nothing more uninteresting than dominating a guy who I have no emotional and mental and warm connection with.

New year, new goals

I have done a lot of soul searching over the holidays.  I have finally decided to acknowledge my own needs and to take my own needs seriously. And I realized that in 2016 I have to put me and my needs first. I am willing to take my own needs seriously. Especially my sexual needs and my needs in a relationship.

In a relationship I need to feel connected, valued, cared for, respected and loved. 

Over the years I had become so afraid of appearing too needy that I had given up a healthy sense of entitlement. Very often I have given up the fulfillment of my needs in order to make the man happy. There has not always been a good balance in my relationship/love life. 

I have always been willing to smother the men in my life with attention and care and love and admiration, heck I have been told that I am clingy and intense, lol. And I know I am super intense sometimes. Always interested in "deep" and "emotional" stuff.  GIVING and being there for the guy was never a problem for me. But RECEIVING  has always been something that  is difficult for me.

In theory I should be surrounded by men who strive to please me and who want to fulfill my wishes and needs. Especially taking into consideration that I get turned on by kinky stuff and submissive men ;-)

But my reality is: Way too often I had almost completely lost myself because I was so focused on the needs of the men in my life. I did not pay attention to my own needs because I always thought that once the men`s needs were met, my needs are going to be fulfilled. And so I waited patiently for my time to come. Only my time never came.

It is a bit of a tricky thing for me with (you) submissive guys out there. You approach me with a cute email and big eyes and an open heart, you show me all your vulnerability that you usually hide,  and tell me how long you have been trying to find someone like me. I feel flattered, lol, and OF COURSE I want to give you what you are looking for. But I am much more than a dominant woman who understands all sorts of kinks and cravings. I am a complex woman with many vanilla interests, a colorful life, and - most importantly- own needs. And I do think that as much as the kink and domestic discipline means to me, most of all I am longing for a partner who accepts me and loves me with all my facets. And not only for being a dominant woman.

I am not blaming anybody here. I am just stating the obvious: I have done a lousy job in communicating and acknowledging and honoring my needs. And this is now changing. 2016 is gonna be MY year. I will finally be focused on having my needs met.