a safe and holy place

I told my shrink recently about my blog and about you guys. And it seems like she liked to hear the colorful stories that I could tell.  :-) It seems like she enjoys the break from the usual stories that her depressed clients tell her. In the sessions with me, even though I can be pretty depressed myself, we nevertheless laugh a lot too.

It´s nice for me to have somebody who I can freely share my experiences with. And in sharing my stories with her I get to know myself and my own needs much better, It is a very fruitful relationship.

I told her about the German guy, a very good soccer player, who came to see me in my office and who had to do push ups right next to my desk. I was sitting on my desk, working on legal papers, while he had to do endless push ups for me. After a while, when he was completely exhausted, I allowed him to get up and to stand in the office corner. I later made some phone calls while he had to stand motionless in the corner. 

He was also very much into writing lines. He loved and hated it at the very same time. One day he was sitting on a table in my office, writing punishment lines for me, when my secretary unexpectedly entered the room. He was trying so frantically to hide the lines, and his face got all red, I had difficulties not to laugh out loud :-)

I told her about the danish slave who asked me to inflict pain on him, It was a long distance thing, and I could not actually spank him or touch him. He ended up kneeling on rice for me and it was just wonderful. For both him and for me.

I told her about the md from the States who is highly successful in a very demanding job. He has written lines for me and served me so dedicatedly that just thinking at him makes me happy.

And in telling her all these stories I realized once again what a wonderful thing my blog is. This blog has literally opened a whole new world to me. The blog and the people I met through this blog give me hope in times of trouble and give me faith in humanity in general.

It is sometimes said that the internet is a dark place. But my experience is the opposite. This blog and the people I met through this blog have brought nothing but joy and color in my life. I have met so many wonderful men, I couldnt have imagined how important that blog would become for me.

I met my first boyfriend here, I got clients through this blog, I made friends here, and I found people who are willing to support/help me when I need it.

The wonderful thing with my little blog is that people can be who they are. I wanna know what they feel, crave and what they think. I wanna know what drives them and what scares them.

I learned that making myself vulnerable allows people to make themselves vulnerable around me. And that is a wonderful thing.

This blog here allows me to show my vulnerability. And my courage to do so has never been disappointed. I feel very blessed to have such a safe and almost holy place to go to. Thank you to all of you who are with me here. I appreciate you being here with me very much.

lawyers are human beings too

In a well written and very friendly recent comment the following statement was made:

... just to say that you certainly do a good job of enhancing the reputation of your profession - your professional body should give you some credit for that. Here in the UK lawyers are considered to be many things, but caring and compassionate are not usually top of the list..!

I am using this comment to say a few things that I have been wanting to say for a very long time. This blog is not the ideal place for it, because my following words are not kink related at all, but hey, I know quite a few of the readers of my blog are lawyers too, and I guess for the people who think "lawyers suck" it might give an interesting insight in a lawyers soul.

I am tired of hearing statements like: "I usually don`t like lawyers, but you are ok". I have heard it so often in my life and from readers of this blog who wrote it to me in private messages. And it always makes me wanna scream: why do the lawyers always get the blame for people´s own stupidity?

I am a very nice person. I really am. I am a lawyer for over 13 years. And these 13 years have been the hardest years in my whole life. I am fighting on a daily basis to not break down emotionally. It is one of the mentally toughest jobs you could ever do. 

Law students and lawyers have much higher rates of depression than those found in the general population.

A 2016 survey of 3,300 law students from 19 law schools found that 17% experienced some level of depression (more than twice the rate seen in the general population), 37% some level of anxiety, and 6% reported serious suicidal thoughts in the past year. Binge drinking was also a big problem – especially for those in the profession for less than 10 years.

A 2016 survey of 12,825 practicing lawyers and judges found 28% reported a problem with depression in the past 12 months of the date of the survey. This percentage is almost four times the rate found in the general population. However, when asked over the course of their career whether they had experienced depression, that number skyrocketed to 46%.

Levels of other mental health issues and substance abuse levels were also significant, with 28%, 19%, and 20.6% experiencing symptoms of stress, anxiety, and hazardous drinking, respectively. Sadly, 11.5% of participants reported suicidal thoughts. 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, lawyers rank fourth in suicide by profession.

Just google lawyers and depression and you will find a lot of information. 

http://www.lawyerswithdepression.com/

In my life, nothing had prepared me for the ignorance, aggressiveness, unreflectedness (is this even a word?) and inconsiderateness of my clients. 

I live in a small town. I know most of my lawyer colleagues, and almost all of them are actually very  fine people. 

I am also a member in some lawyers associations. I actually know lawyers from all over Germany and I can tell you: Most lawyers are pretty ok. It´s like everywhere in society, some people are nice, some are nicer and some are assholes. 

You got to understand that as lawyers, we are happy when we dont have to fight but when we can solve cases amicably, when we can come to a mutual agreement. (On a side note: In Germany the lawyers even get an extra fee when they settle a case through mutual agreement.) We are happy when things dont get dirty. We are happy when our client and the opposite party come to a mutually beneficial agreement. Mutual agreement means every side can save their face, we can get an extra fee, case is closed and everybody is happy.

I always, ALWAYS, try to solve cases amicably. But in most cases my efforts are in vain.

As an empath I can see -in most cases immediately- what the real underlying issue is. And in my experience , in 95 % of law cases that land on my desk, the problem is not a legal one but an emotional one. People do have unresolved emotional business which manifests itself in a legal battle. 

My clients  come to me and present a legal problem, but what they are really telling me is: I feel hurt/not respected/not seen/ treated unfairly by the opposing party and I want you to beat them into submission,

The lawyer is seen as a mercenary, as a soldier , who has to destroy the other party. And too many clients are not emotionally able to switch perspectives and at least try to understand the other party. They lack all understanding of their own actions. They dont realize that it takes two to tango. They dont wanna hear that they have a responsibility for the mess they are in. There is zero insight.

And one of the statements I hear on a daily basis is: I want you to write a very harsh/sharp/mean letter to the opposing party /pleading. Dont be soft.

I will give you a few examples of my daily work life:

Divorces are ugly: It is not a urban myth that some people who go through a divorce argue about who gets to keep the toilet brush. I have actually experienced divorces like that. Do you honestly think the lawyers are the ones who initiate shit like that? Let me assure you: we dont.

Tenancy law cases are equally terrible. The amount in dispute is usually ridiculously low, the lawyers actually burn their own money by working on these cases because the lawyers fee in Germany depends on the value in litigation, but the parties fight like their lives depend on the outcome of that law case regarding their disputed service charge statement.

Labor law: I have represented alcoholic clients who have been fired because they got drunk on the job. They told me they needed to keep the job in order to keep their house/condo or whatever, cried in my office, pleaded for my help,  I even drove one such client with my brother and my mother to a  rehab center. And the result was: He did not even pay my fucking bill in full.

Pedants and dogmatists: I represented Karens who wanted to sue pastors for doing fund raisers. Seriously. I am not kidding.

Probate disputes: One of my clients, his mom passed away 10 years ago, is still suing his twin brother re his mother´s legacy. I have been telling him for 10 years that it is more promising to find a good shrink than filing a new law suit, but he keeps telling me /ordering me, to start new legal actions.

Homicide cases: I had a 16 year old client who was sent by his mom to see me for help regarding a cell phone contract that he had concluded. He showed up in my office alone, and shy and nervous. I felt sorry for the kid. A few weeks later his mom calls me in tears and told me that this kid has killed a 30 yo woman because she refused to have sex with him.

I could go on for hours....I have worked about 1700 cases so far, be assured that I have seen it all.

It fucked with my mind and soul. It hardened my heart. It affects my way of dealing with people. It made me tired, overwhelmed, and sad.

You might say: well , why are you taking on these cases?

The answer is: When I started law school I did not realize in what a horrendous job I would end up. I liked the idea of helping people, of supporting them and being there for them when they are in need. 

Now the law firm is set up, I feel stuck and I got bills to pay.

It was a very unfamiliar feeling for me when I received a few gifts related to the line writing event a few weeks ago. I knew the guy who gave me the gifts wanted to make me happy. It felt wonderful to be for once appreciated for my work (in this case: as a strict task mistress). I hadn`t  received any gifts from anybody in a very log time

People give a shit about lawyers and their feelings and their need to have their own bills payed too. There is this myth that all lawyers are super rich, but in reality, at least in Germany, they are not. I know, the situation in the US  is different in some aspects, but here in Germany lawyers have to work frigging hard just to make a living.

And on top of it, even friends and people who like me tell me: "I don" t like lawyers"

And this pretty much sucks!

list of good domestic discipline videos

I think sometimes it is difficult to find good porn videos online.

Here are some clips that I like.

Enjoy :-)


1. Domestic discipline with Mrs Burns and Dr Daniels:

Mrs Burns Dr Daniels cane part 1

Mrs Burns Dr Daniels cane part 2

Mrs Burns canes Dr Daniels

F/m switching

F/m paddling

F/m paddle

F/m paddling on the bed

F/m strapping

F/m hand spanking

F/m upset wife

F/m scolding and ruler spanking

F/m wooden spoon

F/m hand spanking and oral pleasures

F/m tied up

F/m she paddles him


2. Other domestic discipline  videos

Dana Kane and the very bad boy

F/m temper tantrum otk hairbrush

F/m wdspoon taken over miss lisa`s knee and spanked

F/m punishments of a husband

F/m Daila`s revenge

F/m dont keep secrest from the wife


3. Chastity

F/m do you like me to unlock it

F/m you still cant come till sunday

F/m allowed to cum after chastity


4.  Not domestic discipline, but a german domina that I like

a slave`s live

german domina

being made to write lines

I am usually the one handing out lines.

There is one guy however who made me write lines.
And I wrote them.
It happened only once.
It is not easy for me to submit, to let go, to give up control.

I wrote them because it comforts me to know that he cares.
I trust him and value him enough to let him have the lead here.
I enjoy the calmness that comes with writing the same sentence over and over.

It feels like a meditation.
Calmness and peace washes over me.
I enjoy the fact that the job is clear and easy: "write the lines".
Nothing else to do.
Life can be so easy :-)

insight, insight, insight

So much has happened in my life in the last weeks, I don`t even know where to start :-)

Since January 1, 2016 I have been actively working on myself. I did course/class after class.

I lost weight with Paul McKenna, I focused on my love life with Katherine Woodward Thomas, I worked on loving myself and the people in my life more with Catherine Ponder, I tapped with Brad Yates, I listened to Abraham Hicks, I worked with Scott Grace. And I found Byron Katie and "the work." All of these "spiritual teachers" have given me valuable input. 

I did nothing but trying to improve me, myself and my life. After all, I had nothing else to do in my private life because there was no man left to focus on ;-)

And the insight I gained was pretty much  mind-blowing. 

I did Byron Kathies work on my believe of: "My ex does not love me anymore" (and I mean "love" in its broadest form, as a woman, as a friend, as a human being,  physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually etc.)

And man, did I get answers! It was like I opened the door and saw a whole new world.

I felt like a fool for a while. I can`t believe how ignorant I had been. For months and years I had been trying to understand what is going on between ex and I, and now I finally see clearer. 

Only I don`t like too much what I see. Because I can see now how much I contributed to the unsatisfying situation between him and I. 

I can see crystal clear now how he has been trying to communicate with me,

how I did not listen carefully enough to the words he was saying, 

how I blocked his efforts to make me understand his side of things,

and I can see clearly how much he had showered me with his love.

I can see how emotional giving he was, 

how open and vulnerable he had been towards me. 

He had no problems showing me his feelings openly, as I had always so strongly demanded. Only I was not able to see and understand the depth of the gift he was giving.

I can see clearly now how I threatened him with my behavior 

and how I contributed to him feeling uncomfortable.

I kid you not, when I first understood as what /or how he might perceive me, I got stomach pain and almost vomited.

(On a side note and only for those of you who are interested: A very eyeopening video I saw is this: eyeopening video. This video was super interesting for me in regards to domestic discipline  as well. It is pretty mind blowing how courageous and open some of the men in the audience share their feelings in the end of the video. It made me realize over and over again how careful I have to be with a man who trusts me enough to be in a domestic discipline relationship with me. I can't watch this video without wanting to frigging spank myself for being sooooo dumb and ignorant towards my Ex.)

In Byron Katies work, one needs to meditate on the specific believe (here for me: "Ex does not love me anymore"), is it really true? how can you positively know that it is true? and then meditate on and work with variations of it:

"I don´t love Ex anymore": The answer was clear as always: Not true. :-)

The key answer for me was found in:

"I don`t love myself anymore"

This has nothing to do with my ex at all. It is just stuff that I carried from my past.

Good news is: I am learning to love myself again :-) I know I am on a good way. 

Not too long ago I read and commented on Lady Greys blog.  You can find the post and comments here:  https://womanincontrol.blogspot.de/2016/05/a-referral.html

There was a misunderstanding, anonymous had made a harmless comment and Lady Grey felt attacked.

Anonymous wrote (to Lady Grey): "all i said was, i like your blog like many others and i wish you'd update it more often, i said nothing rude, my ex was like you, whenever i said something that could mean 2 things, she always assumed the worst, try to change that, people don't like it."

Even though anonymous comment was directed towards lady Grey, I knew immediately that the shoe fits me too. (is this even a saying in English? Not sure. With ex out of my life, my English is getting worse again, *smile.)

And, lol, my feelings did not betray me. Read what fur sissy wrote: 

"Tina, I have followed your blog for years as well. I used to comment there, but I remember you not agreeing with my comments very much (~2012) so I pulled back into the role of spectator. I still am a reader though. "

See, my dear readers, here it is again: i am obviously pretending to love openness and honesty and sharing feelings. And at the same time I am behaving in a way that makes the man withdraw himself and shut up because I did not create an environment where the man feels safe enough to give me his honest thoughts. Pretty interesting thought.

my feelings in "dommespace"

A lot has been written about "subspace",  that very special place the submissive enters when he totally trusts his dominant partner, and totally immerses in a scene. Subspace is the moment when a submissive can completely let go, when he becomes one with the "scene" and totally forgets the "real world". 

Today I´d like to make a few comments about the feelings I have while dominating a man.

For me, being mentally and emotionally in the "dommespace" is a very refreshing and revitalizing experience. "Dommespace" is an enormous source of energy, power, happiness and well-being for me. The kink, and living my dominant side, is helping me to get in alignment with my natural positive attributes. It helps me to see my natural beauty, my natural perfectness, it showers me with optimistic thoughts, it gives me a sense of  "all is well". It helps me to get in the vortex.

In my daily life, I am both very dominant and very submissive. As a lawyer I tend to be a fearless mercenary who leads the clients out of the legal and emotional jungle. I know I can be a dominant asshole in court. I sometimes even intentionally provoke the opponents in court, just to let everybody know who is boss, lol, namely me ;-)  But at the same time I am "prostituting" myself to my clients. The clients tell me what they want, and I do what they want me to do.

Quite a few of the cases I am working on at the moment are cases that I personally would solve totally different in my private life. I don´t think that the clients are choosing the right way in having a legal dispute. And I told them about my concerns. But they did not listen to me, wanted to keep going the way they had started, and me, I am fighting battles for them, battles that are completely useless and a huge waste of my time and energy. 

It´s like they tell me: "Tina, jump." 

And I say:" really? swimming would be much easier and faster" 

And they say: "it is a matter of principle for me. The opponent needs to learn that he cant behave that way".

I tell them: "do you want to be right or happy?" 

They say to me: "Tina, you have to understand, the opponent is treating me sooooooo badly, I cant sleep at night, he is not respecting me as a person, he has done this with other people as well, he needs to learn a lesson. etc etc etc" 

At this point I usually ask myself: Why am I trying to "argue" with my own clients?  And in the end I ask my client: "ok, sigh, how high do I need to jump?" 

My brother had the "pleasure" of being present during 3 such conversations I had with clients today. And his conclusion was: "I wonder how you can do this. This is unbearable. These people are totally crazy. They need to see a psychiatrist, not a lawyer". Most of the time, people are not having legal problems, but unfinished emotional business that manifests itself in a legal dispute. But at the same time: they are my clients. 

Generally speaking: In my business life I am quite often in situations where I am expected to be submissive to my clients and at the same I am expected to be a mean and dominant attorney who is gonna kick the opponents ass.

In a way, some of my clients are powerfully topping from the bottom, and I don´t like this.

In my private life I want a man who is generally dominant in life, but who is submitting to me in his private life. I want the special gift of his submission to me. I don´t want other people to know that he is submitting to me in the relationship. I want it to be a secret, a special thing between the two of us. Nothing I want to brag about in public, but something I want to immensely enjoy in private.

The more dominant the man in real life is, the more I enjoy dominating him in our private life.

I dont want him to enjoy the scenes too much. Because if he does, it feels like I am catering to his needs and pampering him and trying to please him and making him happy. (And I do this anyway in the relationship. Of all the things I have ever been accused of in a relationship, neglecting the needs of my partner has never been a reproach I had to hear.)

For me, in my little sexual mind, the scene is hottest and best, if the dominant man who loves me and even told me so, submits to something I want him to do /experience/undergo without really liking it too much.

 This is why I for example love punishment lines so much. Punishment lines are not sexual or hot or kinky in itself. The man has to sit down and write the same line over and over again. Sometimes for hours. There is no instant gratification for him. He is not sexually teased, he does not enjoy it, 

If a man is writing these lines for me, it is a good way for me to get deeper in my "dommespace". Him writing the lines catapults me easily in a horny and kinky state of mind. The underlying message I get from him by writing the lines is: 

"I trust your leadership. I know that you know what you are doing. I am not trying to manipulate you or make you change your mind. I respect that you are in charge. I acknowledge that you are having my best interests in mind, and even though I hate writing the lines I do love you enough to write them for you."

If the man shows me his submission in such a way, my mind seems to expand, I tend to have good new ideas, I get in a great mood, I get energetic, I get adventurous, I feel invigorated and  I get turned on. 

If subspace is a good tool to "forget" the real world, dommespace for me is an awesome tool to live life to the fullest and to experience the real world in all its beautiful colors. It is like dommespace helps me to see all the potential that real life has to offer. It very much empowers me. Once I am in dommespace I feel refreshed, I feel alive, I feel like "Nothing is impossible".

the german guy

I was a bit reluctant to share the following story with you guys because it is not really a story with a happy ending. And I am not really proud of it. I decided to write about it anyway though because I know there are quite a few guys out there who have followed my love life with some interest. And I think it is appropriate to give you a more or less "full" picture of the events in my love life :-)

Ok, let´s start:

I really tried to accept the fact that my former boyfriend had dumped me. I tried to accept his decision and I tried to move on with my life. And, I finally did what many of you had recommended to me years ago: I found a german guy. A german submissive guy.

I met him online, we played a bit online, then he asked whether he can come and see me, and I agreed. I let him come and visit me at my home for a weekend. I felt secure and I knew he would do me no harm.

We spent the weekend together, he liked me, liked my family, liked the kinky things I did to him.

When the weekend was over he asked whether he is allowed to return, and I said yes.

He returned the next weekend and a few days later again. And for some reasons that do not matter much he stayed longer and longer at my place. He more or less moved in with me. It was easy and fun for me. I had been so thirsty for male attention. And I was still so confused after my grandmas death.

And it was a nightmare for my mom, who had suddenly to deal with a stranger in her kitchen on a daily basis. :-) He was suddenly there. Suddenly a part of my life. Pretty much from zero to 100 in 5 seconds.

He adored me. And I knew it. We spoke about children and a future together, he wanted to take on my family name, find a job in the area where I live, and: He wanted me to be his wife. He proposed to me.

I said "yes".

I sooooo wanted this to happen. He seemed so perfect. And both him and I we literally jumped in this waaaaay to quickly.

We agreed on a date for the wedding, I spoke with his mom, my mom learned to accept him ;-) All seemed perfect.

And as suddenly as it all had started, I suddenly realized: No, I cannot do this. There is only one man I love, my former boyfriend.

Due to the fact that my former boyfriend had been so hesitant in telling me "It´s over, I dont want you anymore" I know what it feels like to be left waiting and hoping and wishing. And I wanted to make sure the german man does not hope for something that I knew would not happen. This gave me the strengths to be super clear and direct. I ended everything with a complete clarity. There was nothing he could do. I had made up my mind. He tried to make me reconsider. He wanted to have a chance, wanted me to give us a try, but I was cold as ice. I said no to all his efforts of finding a way to work things out between us. I felt like: being clear and unwavering is the least I can do.

The whole story still today makes me feel terrible. I feel still super guilty towards him. I pray to God that he finds a woman who loves him as much as he deserves. I still feel uncomfortable just thinking at the days with him and my somewhat brutal decision to end it as abruptly as it had begun.

The lesson I learned for myself: There is and always was only one man I love: my former boyfriend.

My love life is non- existing these days, but my business is thriving, lol.

feelings I have while spanking a man

Just a short thought that crossed my mind today:

When I spank a man, when he is over my knees, it is as if I am saying to him: "I got you, babe. I got everything under control. I can take charge of things. I know what`s right or wrong and I am gonna take care of it. You are safe with me. Trust me. Just let me lead the way and all is fine." Me spanking means I am giving. I am giving energy, care, guidance, and love to the man. I might be spanking him, but in reality I am showering him with love.

With my former boyfriend, the love of my life, the man I still love today, the situation is different. I always knew that he is smarter, stronger, and generally more experienced in life than I am. And, in real life, he is an awesome leader who does not need  much guidance from other people at all. When I spanked him, when I was having him over my knees, it was as if he was saying to me with his submission: " I got you, babe. I trust you. I let you lead the way. All is fine." Me spanking him meant: I am receiving. I received energy care, guidance, and love from him. In submitting to me and going over my knees he was showering me with his love. I felt just wonderful.

short update

Hi everybody,
just a short vanilla update on my life for those of you who are interested.

I sometimes wonder what old "online friends" like eg servingb, Her Majestys Plaything or MsMarie are doing. They stopped blogging and we probably wont ever hear from them again, which is a pitty.
So I decided to give you all at least an update on my life.

Basically: I am doing good. All is good in my life these days. As you know, my life in the last years has sometimes been quite a roller coaster, and therefore I am super happy now to have some balance and stability in my life.

I enjoy working in my law firm, my business is growing and clients trust me. I have established myself in the legal community.

Almost 2 years have passed since my beloved grandma passed away, and I am now slowly but surely regaining happiness and joy. I realize now how tired, exhausted, sad and depressed I was after my grandma`s death. It feels like slowly but surely a heavy curtain is lifted out of my life and /or off my shoulders. After grandmas death everything seemed hopeless and grey, and now the colors are returning into my life. A few weeks ago for the first time in "ages", I thought again: "Life is good".

I lost quite some weight and I feel super comfortable in my body again. Thanks Paul McKenna :-)
 ( http://www.amazon.de/Can-Make-You-Thin-Weight/dp/0593064437/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458579073&sr=8-1&keywords=i+can+make+you+thin)

In my private life, I am very much focused inwards these days. I focus on me, me, me. I pamper myself as much as possible and I spend my evenings focused solely on myself. I rarely see friends, I rarely go out, I rarely talk to friends on the phone. It seems as if my "giving" capacity is completely empty at the moment. For years I had given and given and give. Now I am in the process of learning to receive. A friend sent me the following prayer, a prayer for me. And I am still stunned that he actually DID pray for me when I once told him in an obiter dictum: "say a prayer for me". It is still a foreign concept to me, that I can be the one who receives good things/thoughts without even having to do anything. But if you want to, feel free to join him in the prayer for me and for the man I love. Your good thoughts are much appreciated :-)

Almighty and Loving God,
I pray for Tina and her man, you know who he is.
Bless them according to each promise in your Word.
Bless them with knowledge of good choices, with your peace, love, joy and hope.
Help them reach the choices they can reach in relationship with you as your children.
Assure them of your love and compassion for both of them and for each of them.
Hold them in the shelter of your wings and in the palm of your hand.
Speak to them Lord God, about their choices and limits in the lifestyle they are choosing.
Assure them of your great love for each of them and for both of them
The most urgent request is that you shelter them, love them and help them live in their individual and united relationship with you through Jesus Christ.

This is my prayer, in Jesus name.  Amen.

LOL, and by the way, you have to give me credits for once starting a domestic discipline sex blog and now blogging in that blog about prayers  ;-)
I am not only professional successful , in a good mood, and good looking these days, I am also still super unorthodox and unique ;-)