I did some deep soul searching lately. About what I want in life and about who I want to share my life with. As a byproduct, I kind of developped a theory as far as submissive men are concerened.
Note: I am only talking about submissive men who are (more or less) interested in the kind of loving domestic discipline relationship I am describing in my blog.
Since I started all the debate about the biblical "prodigal son" likeness, let me explain my theory on the basis of that story. Even though it might not always match 100%. But since this is not my thesis, I am the one who can decide what to write and how to phrase it. I so like that feeling ! My (now former...) law professor is actually the only man these days who is able to make me "freeze" with fear. Even thinking about him makes me uncomfortable. With him, my dominant personality is almost invisible. And: I do realise that we are all much more than "just" the older son or "just" the lost one.
Being in a loving domestic discipline relationship is complex. It is about love and being loved, about boundaries and freedom, about holding and being held, about letting go and taking responsibility. And it is about trusting the partner enough to show him/her the most vulnerable side of the own personality. Men can have sex with a woman without caring about her. And women can sleep with a man, even if they don `t really want to. But one can not have a loving domestic discipline relationship without actually loving the partner. It is about much more than having made a mistake and therefore craving punishment and forgiveness. It is about much more than mechanically spanking a butt.
In my opinion, men who are interested in that kind of lifestyle tend to be a lot like the good/older son. Even though it is the prodigal son who seems to be more interesting from a discipline point of view, because it is him who messes up and then asks his father for forgiveness, I think the traits of the brother, the older son, are more dominant in submissive men.
Messing up big way, like the prodigal son did, and then, only when all hope is gone, asking the father for help and forgiveness, and even accept punishment, is not something extraordinary. It `s just a means of surviving in a difficult situation. The options are simple:
- The prodigal son could have stayed where he was and starve to death
or
- go back to his fathers place, humble himself and in exchange of the humbling and embarrassement and even possible punishment: survive.
So assuming the prodigal son did not have any suicidal thoughts, going back to his dad was the only logical thing to do. The pressure just had to be high enough for the son to understand that he can not make it alone any longer. Then he decided to go back in order to live.
However, what submissive men in a domestic discipline relationship are doing is different. They are trying to be good husbands or boyfriends, they are wanting to be there for their lady in the first place. Generally speaking, they are not running away from home and responsibility in order to spend money or just having fun. Their intention is to try to build a foundation of reliabilty, trust and steadiness. And this is something most women love and would love to have to. Like the older son in the likeness is always there for his father, they want to be there for a woman. Stay with her, even when things are difficult, hard or just boring. It can not have been fun for the older son to live with his father, to dilligently work for him, while the younger brother travels the world, spends money and is enjoying himself. And still, the older brother did not waver and never stoped being there for the father.
My impression is, that submissive men are not lightly giving up a relationship with a woman in times of troubles and problems. Even though relationships do break up, even dd relationships.We all know that. But to me, it feels as if these men do have a special sense of responsibility. Running away is not something that these people usually do. Not from a partnership and not from challenges.
To stay in the biblical context: assuming that we are all sinners, and that there is no way for any human being not to mess up once in a while at least, there is no doubt that -even with the best intentions- even the good sons do not act appropriately or "behave" all the time. That `s just the way it is. You might try as hard as you can, but while being on earth you will screw up sometimes.
But here comes the unusual thing:
A man in a domestic discipline relationship does not try to hide between the fact that he has generally been good and only made an error of judgment "this time".
Ok,ok, he might bring it up in order to persuade the lady to not punish him as severly as she might do....but both partners do know, that the final decision is in the ladys hand and that he is going to accept whatever punishment she chooses. And the man will submit to his lady, even though he might no like her decision at all.
But while the prodigal son did have a good reason to face his father and any possible punishment, namely: not to starve, the situation for men in a dd relationship is different.
There is no real external reason for a man to submit to a womans punishment. It is not even something he can brag about in public. Vanilla friends most of the time do just not understand what is going on within a domestic discipine relationship.If they hear about it, there is always the danger of being the center of stupid comments and/or inappropriate jokes. So dd has to happen in the privacy of the relationship. Being disciplined by a woman and wanting the woman to take the lead in the relationship is something that is not linked to other people. A man might tell his friends if he had sex with two women or if he cheated on his wife. It might even be ok for him to tell friends about some bdsm experiences with a paid woman in a brothel. But in my experience, it `s a totally different thing to speak openly about any real punishments from his own lady. Domestic discipline seems to be just a too intimate thing between the woman and the man. My guess is, it is because both the woman and the man in such a relationship do show each other the raw feelings. In a way it is a very serious thing, even though the partners might use a playful approach to it.
If the man does not generally agree to be punished, there is not much the woman can actually do to punish him. Especially in times when it is very easy to break up a relationship. He can always leave, replace the woman with another woman. The reason for him to stay in the relationship and accept the womans authority has to be intrinsic. And I think it takes a very strong and responsible man to actually see the need to pay for his screw ups.Wanting to make amends for failures does not come easily for many men. So if you are feeling the need for it, it says a lot about you and your sense of justice. And if you are weired that way, you have a lot to offer for the right woman.
And as far as the biblical story goes:
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
Did you realise that the older son, even though he did not agree with his fathers decision, and even though he became angry, did still not run away? He talks about his feelings when he is upset, chooses a direct approach to address his concerns, seems to be not afraid of the fathers reaction. There seems to be a strong bond of trust between them. And then, he just listens to the fathers word, accepts his authority.
