on belonging and bratting

After some really, really, really hard days, I am finally feeling better. I started eating healthy, went to the gym, I lost some weight and my hair looks fantastic. What more can a woman ask for? lol

The law firm is growing and  I am getting better and better in billing people (Hey, this is not easy for me! "lawyer" is not a synonym for "money driven idiot"...) But I finally managed to develop an attitude of: "As soon as I get your advance payment, I will start reading your case files".

I finally upbraided my new staff member. Which was very out of the ordinary  for me and not very pleasant for her. The day after the  reprimand she called in sick... Or actually, she had her mother call in, obviously she did not want to do it herself... Well, she is still young...

My family member who is sick will be out of the hospital today. But there is obviously the need for a heart surgery...

I learned just recently that a good friend of my family, a fifty something years old man, a very high ranking representative of a German automotive supplier, gets regular beatings from his wife. And beatings as in: he gets hurt and abused. "Beatings" as in: NOT safe, sane and consensual...

Hear my words: One day I am going to write a script about a single week of my life. Even though I guess  Hollywood might reject it, they will think it is exaggerated... :-)

As for domestic discipline:

For me, in the end, domestic discipline is about belonging to somebody. Giving or receiving domestic discipline without really caring for the partner is just empty violence.

For me, it is all linked with the one question:
"Is my partner so dear to my heart that I am willing to put in all the energy, labor and feelings that adhere to correcting somebody ?"

Administering discipline can be exhausting for the dominant partner. At least for me, it requires a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions and energy. In a way, by my willingness to administer discipline, I show my partner that he is special, that he is different from all the other men on this planet, that he is the one who is actually "deserving" my attention and affection. Actually, last Christmas, I sent my man an email with some (for him...) very unpleasant questions. And I am pretty sure, when he got that e-mail on Christmas day, he thought: WTF? :-)

But the truth is, I had spent many hours thinking about him and me and how to best address these hard subjects. The message I sent him on Christmas day was actually the strongest love message I could come up with. If he would have been just  "a friend"  I would have sent him a typical X-mas card, nothing more.

But instead, I wanted him to know that I care enough about him to not let him get away with "it". 

I read a couple of  Bonnie-jo`s blog entries recently. And I really like her. She seems to be a great person. I love reading her thoughts. Not sure if I understand her correctly, but I think she is bratting a lot. Testing the limits, so to speak. And I realized, this is something I have never done myself. Seriously! I am telling you, I am a good girl ;-)

Generally, I want to please people. My way of getting some kind of balance in my life (usually, lol, right now does not count. There is no such thing as balance in my life...)  is by being a feisty attorney in business life. I need a complement to (almost) always being gentle and nice in private life.

The reason why I just don`t test the limits in private life is simple. I am afraid there is nobody who would be caring enough and strong enough to accept the challenge and to show me some boundaries. I never had a strong authority figure in my life. In the past, I did not know what it feels like to have one (male) person in my life, a person who will stay by my side, no matter what.

As far as I understand, bratting is a way of asking the partner:
"Are you loving me enough to correct me?
Am I important enough for you to not let me act that way?
Will you stay by my side even if I don`t deserve it?
Are you willing to spend your precious energy in correcting and disciplining me?"
So, in a way, Bonnie-jo has much more courage than I have. Me, I have never ever asked a person such hard questions. Neither with words nor with deeds.

On the other hand, if I think a man belongs to me, there is not the slightest doubt that I will release enough energy to make sure he knows what I feel for him.

on weakness

As you all know, I am going through a difficult time. I am feeling tattered. The last weeks have had quite an impact on my well being. I had a family member admitted to the hospital last friday, and I remember clearly sitting in the ER and starting to pray, in order to not faint myself.

Right now, I do not know where to start in order to make my life easier again. I just do not know how to get back to my old relaxed way of living.

I told my man that we need to talk, but we have not actually had "the talk" yet. I guess neither me nor him is looking forward to that conversation.

Generally, my current situation is not a situation I would love to be in. The feelings I am having lately are not feelings I would love to experience. But hey, life is not a bed of roses. It just is the way it is.

The strange thing is: Some people (both  real life friends and internet friends) seem to have a problem with the fact that I am not always strong and in control. They are not used to see me so out of control and they just can not deal with the Tina I am right now.

On monday, I had a conversation with my best friend Paul. Paul is about 60 yo and knows me since I was a little child. We never had a love affair, but we spent many nights together in the same room and when I was working in the US, he came to see me and we had a good time together. I was always coaching him on his love life and he listened to my advice in regards to the relationship with his 2 sons and his exwife. I was always the one who knew what to do and who had an explanation for peoples behavior, acts and deeds.

Last monday however, we talked on the phone and I told him about some really difficult aspects of my life. And while doing that, for the first time ever with him, I started crying. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt devastated and I told him that I am feeling that way. I needed him  to be strong for me, to comfort me, to tell me that things are going to be allright again. But he did say not such a thing. Instead he started to attack me and to tell me that I am wasting my life, that I am living an illusion, that I am making the wrong decisions, that things will NOT work out in the end.

I somehow ended the conversation without telling him what an asshole he is....I am an attorney and I know all about good "walk away- statements". Statements that end a conversation and always give you the opportunity of having a good and fruitful conversation with the opponent in the future again. But I realized that Paul, my best friend, had become my opponent the moment I showed him my weakness. And I just did not expect that to happen...

Anyway, the thing is:

to all of you who are feeling annoyed by my constant whining

I am doing the best I can in order to not break down.

And to those of you who still support me:

Thank you very much. It means a lot!

And to the rest of you:

There will be a time when my posts deal with pure domestic discipline again :-)