After some really, really, really hard days, I am finally feeling better. I started eating healthy, went to the gym, I lost some weight and my hair looks fantastic. What more can a woman ask for? lol
The law firm is growing and I am getting better and better in billing people (Hey, this is not easy for me! "lawyer" is not a synonym for "money driven idiot"...) But I finally managed to develop an attitude of: "As soon as I get your advance payment, I will start reading your case files".
I finally upbraided my new staff member. Which was very out of the ordinary for me and not very pleasant for her. The day after the reprimand she called in sick... Or actually, she had her mother call in, obviously she did not want to do it herself... Well, she is still young...
My family member who is sick will be out of the hospital today. But there is obviously the need for a heart surgery...
I learned just recently that a good friend of my family, a fifty something years old man, a very high ranking representative of a German automotive supplier, gets regular beatings from his wife. And beatings as in: he gets hurt and abused. "Beatings" as in: NOT safe, sane and consensual...
Hear my words: One day I am going to write a script about a single week of my life. Even though I guess Hollywood might reject it, they will think it is exaggerated... :-)
As for domestic discipline:
For me, in the end, domestic discipline is about belonging to somebody. Giving or receiving domestic discipline without really caring for the partner is just empty violence.
For me, it is all linked with the one question:
"Is my partner so dear to my heart that I am willing to put in all the energy, labor and feelings that adhere to correcting somebody ?"
Administering discipline can be exhausting for the dominant partner. At least for me, it requires a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions and energy. In a way, by my willingness to administer discipline, I show my partner that he is special, that he is different from all the other men on this planet, that he is the one who is actually "deserving" my attention and affection. Actually, last Christmas, I sent my man an email with some (for him...) very unpleasant questions. And I am pretty sure, when he got that e-mail on Christmas day, he thought: WTF? :-)
But the truth is, I had spent many hours thinking about him and me and how to best address these hard subjects. The message I sent him on Christmas day was actually the strongest love message I could come up with. If he would have been just "a friend" I would have sent him a typical X-mas card, nothing more.
But instead, I wanted him to know that I care enough about him to not let him get away with "it".
I read a couple of Bonnie-jo`s blog entries recently. And I really like her. She seems to be a great person. I love reading her thoughts. Not sure if I understand her correctly, but I think she is bratting a lot. Testing the limits, so to speak. And I realized, this is something I have never done myself. Seriously! I am telling you, I am a good girl ;-)
Generally, I want to please people. My way of getting some kind of balance in my life (usually, lol, right now does not count. There is no such thing as balance in my life...) is by being a feisty attorney in business life. I need a complement to (almost) always being gentle and nice in private life.
The reason why I just don`t test the limits in private life is simple. I am afraid there is nobody who would be caring enough and strong enough to accept the challenge and to show me some boundaries. I never had a strong authority figure in my life. In the past, I did not know what it feels like to have one (male) person in my life, a person who will stay by my side, no matter what.
As far as I understand, bratting is a way of asking the partner:
"Are you loving me enough to correct me?
Am I important enough for you to not let me act that way?
Will you stay by my side even if I don`t deserve it?
Are you willing to spend your precious energy in correcting and disciplining me?"
So, in a way, Bonnie-jo has much more courage than I have. Me, I have never ever asked a person such hard questions. Neither with words nor with deeds.
On the other hand, if I think a man belongs to me, there is not the slightest doubt that I will release enough energy to make sure he knows what I feel for him.
I like your blog and love your attitude. You're right on when you say: "Administering discipline can be exhausting for the dominant partner." True, submissives are a lot of work...but most often worth it.
ReplyDeleteHi Tina,
ReplyDeleteIt’s good to read that you’re in much better spirits. Time can heal many difficulties and alleviate painful feelings. I’m glad to learn that your law firm is growing too, you’re getting better at billing, and you have had a chance to remedy an employee problem. I’m also glad to hear that your family member is out of the hospital, but I’m somewhat sadden to learn that heart surgery may be required.
Your fifty-something friend can always file a restraining order against his wife, or better still, he can always press charges for assault and battery if he is truly being abused and mistreated. Otherwise, he may be giving his tacit consent to the beatings. By the way, has he shown you evidence of his mistreatment? As you may know, some people like severity in corporal punishment, and he may only complain about his “discipline” for secondary gain, meaning he simply wants your sympathy as the “good mother.”
When you say “belonging to someone,” are you saying “commitment” and shared intimacy? Or do you mean something else? I’m not in favor of violence either whether it’s empty or not. Yet, receiving or giving a spanking is not necessarily violent in terms of a covenant based upon safe, sane, and consensual practices between two adults who are capable of giving consent. Even then, a spanking administered within the recipient’s tolerance for pain and discomfort is hardly “violence.” Also, it’s possible for discipline to be given and gladly received without the condition of “belonging,” for anyone who attends a spanking party, for example, may willingly and knowingly enter into a power exchange with no expectation of belonging or commitment of any kind after the scene concludes. In such situations, I would be hesitant to say that the exchange was primarily one of empty violence, but I would quickly add from my perspective that such transactions do not adhere to my emotional needs and strivings. Thus, I understand your perspective well, for it fits with my current world view, but I must also say that I do not feel any judgment whatsoever toward anyone who wants discipline without commitment.
(To be continued)
(Continued)
ReplyDeleteWhen you refer to “correcting,” do you mean as part of a power-exchange scene in which you assume the role of disciplinarian, but after the scene is finished you and your partner re-enter a fully egalitarian relationship? Or do you mean that you permanently remain in the role of disciplinarian and your partner stays in a submissive, passive-dependent posture? If the latter is true, I can see how it might be exhausting for you to look after someone who is, essentially, an adult-child in which you are responsible for his well-being, tutelage, and correction. I can imagine that your partner would also feel special if he was to receive that level of attention from you, and in return you would get what, his obedience? Is that enough to sustain you emotionally? How would you get your own dependency needs met in such an arrangement?
While I’m sure you spent hours on your Christmas email to your man in America, how did he receive your “unpleasant” questions? Do you think your questions may have had an impact upon your current relationship issues? Did he know you had actually sent him a very strong message of love?
Do you think being a “feisty” attorney will get what you really need, namely love and positive regard for who you are? As you know, our work life and personal life are not the same; they satisfy different needs. The same is true of school and our family of origin. We can excel in school and receive accolades from teachers and peers, but can those accomplishments compensate for an emotionally barren home life? The same is true with work and love. In love there are no goals, milestones, or financial hurdles to cross; we expect to be seen, heard, and appreciated for who we are, not for what we do or accomplish. If we are free to be ourselves and experience the satisfaction of our basic needs, we will be in a better position to reciprocate, giving our partner the same level of acknowledgement and emotional satisfaction that we have received.
“I am afraid there is nobody who would be caring enough and strong enough to accept the challenge and to show me some boundaries. I never had a strong authority figure in my life. In the past, I did not know what it feels like to have one (male) person in my life, a person who will stay by my side, no matter what.”
Is it really a case of boundaries and correction, or is it really a feeling that you seek of being loved, cared for, and protected without the prospect of being abandoned for something you may have done? Is it also a feeling that you don’t need to assume the role of caretaker in a situation in which you’re the one who is supposed to be cared for and not the other way around?
Hi, Tina,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're feeling better. I'm sorry that your family member is in need of surgery.
I very much like what you wrote about domestic discipline.
Michael_Michael
Tina,
ReplyDeleteI think you now have an excellent grasp as to what it's all about, that being that one must care enough about his/her partner to discipline them.
It took me about 30 years to learn this and a lot of wasted time in between.
Domination/submission will not hold a relationship together. There must be more.
The biggest eye opener for me was when I first read Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving." Millions of copies of this book are in circulation, in all languages, and available in every public library, book store and used book database. If you haven't already read it, it's a must.
And if you are ever so fortunate to find a partner who believes in and practices Fromm's four cardinal points of love--knowlege, caring, respect and responsibility--you have literally hit the jackpot.
I found that partner late in life after two unsuccessful marriages, many relationships and a couple of live-together relationships.
We've been together 25 years and find that we share everything in life, including D/S.
Tina, you need to find the man who will give as much to the relationship as you are prepared to give. And he must be someone you can look up to.
Best,
Rob
I agree, particularly with the end piece. Very insightful, I had not thought of it that way before.
ReplyDeleteIt is all about letting the person know that you love them and care enough for them and that they are that special one.
ReplyDeleteAnd there are times when the dominant person needs to let themselves open up and be taken care of.Everyone needs to be loved and to know that they are wanted and worth the effort.
To me no matter how dominant you are there are times when you will crave that attention and that feeling of being looked after and taken care of.
It just takes the right person at the right time to make it work.