And so they lived happily ever after...

I am officially ending my blog now. Thanks to all of you who were supporting me on my journey.
It has been fun and it was more life challenging than I had ever expected.

After many ups and downs in the last 18 months, I finally saw the man again.
And I can honestly say: I still love him. He is good to me. He makes me smile. Being with him feels right. He deserves all my love.

I am not sure if I actually can spend the rest of my life with him, but I am willing to do what it takes to have him in my life for as long as possible.

I am coming, I am coming, I am cooooommmmmiiing

In less than 2 weeks I am finally flying to the United States again. I am really excited :-)

the meaning of punishment lines

Punishment lines... after I blogged about it, I received quite a few emails about it. And I feel the need to add  a couple of things:

Sometimes, very very rarely, I respond to men who ask me to give them punishment lines. I did it some months ago with a guy in Hong Kong who I do not know at all. I know nothing about him and I am not intending to start a deeper relationship with him. He was just lucky that he contacted me during a good time when I was bored and in the mood for some play. I made him write some lines, we used the fond of writing tool, he wanted to have a break in order to go to the bathroom, he did not get a break but had to write the lines with a full bladder instead. It was fun, but there was no depth between us.

Things are totally different with men who I know and with whom I have a deeper relationship.

After my post, a good and married online friend contacted me and asked me very nicely, if I would be willing to give him punishment lines. And with uncertain termes I declined his request. Actually, I was pretty direct and (without wanting it) offended him.  I later apologized to him, and things are ok again between him and I.

The reason why I gave the Hong Kong guy what he wanted but did not give it to the friend is:

It would have been too deep and too emotionally intense between the friend and me.

I know, I know, many of you think: whats the big deal with the fucking lines? Why is she making such a drama? All she needs to do is to tell the man to write one sentence X-times and that is all she has to do.

And to a certain degree thats right. This is exactly what I did with the Hong Kong man.

But as so often, the reality is much more complex. If I accept to start a scene with a man, I feel totally responsible for what happens. And it does not matter at all if the scene involves a serious otk spanking, a  belting or something as alledgedly harmless as telling a grown man to sit down and write some lines for me.

In all these situations I think it is my job to make sure that he does not get hurt, that he feels safe and loved and cared for. If a scene is going on, there is kind of a constant tension in my life.  I feel the need to stay in control and to react to new situations and adapt my behavior to his life situation.

I want the scenes to be custom made for the man`s needs and feelings. The number of lines given, the time until I expect the lines, the lengths of the lines, the text ...there is a lot to consider. Whenever I seriously start a scene, I am totally focused on the man and on his life.

It was not like this with the Hong Kong man, because it was EVIDENT that he was not interested in me as a person and I was not interested in him. It was just two adults playing. A matter of one or two hours. Nothing more.

But with people I care about, the "play" is not really "playing" but a serious matter. It touches the most private and hidden secrets and feelings of both the man and I. We might laugh and have fun , we might joke about it , but it does not change the fact that it is a serious matter.

If I tell a man to sit down and write a sentence over and over again, the message of the sentence better be perfectly fitting to the man`s needs. I know for sure that the results can be pretty damaging if the sentence is badly chosen or if the message is triggering some old, bad feelings.

Plus: The lines only mean much to me if it was indeed difficult for the man to write them. I like the fact that he had to focus for a pretty long time on whatever message it is that I want him to understand.

In closing:

Dont feel offended if I dont give you punishment lines. It is mostly a matter of me not having the energy to go as deeeply into the scene as I would need to. And it is mostly a matter of the man BEING important to me . Exactly because a man is important to me I don´t hand out punishment lines easily to him.

Wanna marry me?

1.HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
 -- Alan,age 10
I am good at making decisions. I know exactly who I wanna marry. I let the person know about it with uncertain terms :-) I covered the "would I be willing to marry a vanilla guy"-question in earlier posts.

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
 -- Camille, age 10
I am definitely older than twenty-three.

 3. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
 -When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
 - - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
 - - Howard, age 8

I am not a good kisser at all. Not sure why exactly that is, but I dont kiss much at all.My last kiss was in a parking lot right after my arrival in the States in Summer 2010.The guy was perfect and I remember that kiss often, because usually I just dont kiss.

4. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 
Hmmmmm... not sure if I would agree with this statement....

 And
 the #1 Favorite is.......

5. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?      
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
 -- Ricky, age 10
You got it right, kiddo :-)

what does the kink stand for?

For you, personally, what does domestic discipline stand for?

What parts of your personality, what feelings, what fears and hopes do you hide in real life and only show them in a domestic discipline context?

What feelings don`t you dare to outlive in the "real world"?

Don`t give me an obvious answer, such as: " it´s hot to be dominated by a strong woman".

I wanna know what is behind...

• What is it that gives you that special feeling in your stomach? When can you usually feel it the most? 
• What makes you submit even though you know you are not gonna enjoy the next few moments too much?
• What is the driving force behind your interest in domestic discipline?
• What do you (hope to) gain by being the submissive partner in a dd relationship?

Let me know what is going on in your head...

early bed times and loss of privileges

With the right guy, age play is great. It can be unbelievably hot to treat a grown man like a young boy. I said many times that I think early bed times, groundings and loss of privileges are effective domestic discipline tools. I used all of these punishments. And it has always been fun for me and very hard for the man.

In a way it is easier to accept a spanking than accepting being sent to bed at an early time or being grounded for some time. I think this is due to the fact that the man can be pretty passive while getting a spanking. It hurts, it is a bit embarassing but at the same time the person being spanked is getting a lot from the spanker. Time, dedication, attention, touching, scolding, ...the spanker gives a lot. And the submissive partner gets it all. The submissive partner is in the center of  the spankers attention. It is pretty much impossible to spank somebody and not give him my full intention.

Adding to this the fact that as a good loving and caring dominant woman I think it is my duty to make sure that I do not actually "hurt" him in  a bad way, I need to pay attention to his words and body language all the time. I might be angry with him and punish him for his acts, but I will always make sure that he is safe and knows that he is loved.

All he has to do is: submitting to my dominance. Once he is over my knees, he is receiving what I am giving him.

In regards to early bed times, groundings and loss of privileges however, the man is not receiving much. Instead, important things are taken away from him. He does not get my attention. He does not feel me. I dont care much if he is ok, because I already KNOW that he won`t be harmed. It might hurt his male ego a bit, but this is exactly what I am intending, so, I am not worried about it :-)  In these scenarios he is not the center of my attention. Far from it. I might have fun or be on the phone with a friend, while he is sent to bed alone with nothing to do but trying to fall asleep or waiting for me to follow him to bed. This makes submitting really hard. And I cannot tell you often enough how much it means to me when a man submits to me in such a way.

punishment lines

IMHO punishment lines are one of the most underestimated punishments in a domestic discipline context.

A very long time ago, I punished a man by making him write lines. And I loved it. I loved all of it.

I enjoyed my power while telling him that he is expected to write me the lines,
it was fun hearing from him how much he does not want to write the lines
it was hot telling him "Yes, I am serious, I really want these lines"
and it touched my heart when I got the lines by regular mail.

Punishment lines can be such a great thing. Most men hate writing these lines, but for me as a woman, getting the lines is big.

In a domestic discipline relationship so much is going on in the head only.
And many things just do not make sense. (what sense is there in standing a man in a corner or telling him to wear panties to work or denying him to have an orgasm for days and weeks...)
And some punishments are in reality just chores that one of the partners has to do anyway. ("I expect you to sort out the garage today" or "the house better be spotless when I return").

The lines however are different insofar as they are a palpable sign that he cosiders me to be someone special. Sure, I could make a man make me buy a diamond ring or a Mercedes. This would be something palpable too. But the lines are a sign of love and respect because they are so absurd. There is no sense in writing them. Most men dont get turned on by it. They cost the writer a lot of time and emotional overcoming. Writing lines sucks :-)

But getting the lines is fantastic. They are a sign that the man is willing to do whatever I tell him to do, just because I want to or just because I think it would do him some good to spend some time on a desk and to write one sentence over and over again. On top of it, it is a punishment that does not cost me much energy.
Plus: It does not give him much attention from me while he is doing it. He is expected to be quiet and sit down and write  without getting an attaboy from the woman. The whole scenario is pretty strange. And one has to ask oneself: why is he doing it?
And the answer is: because he wants to please me. Because he thinks I am worthy to be submitted to. Because I am special to him.

could I live without dd?

 Not too long ago a very good friend asked me:

"would you be willing to marry a vanilla man?"

And my answer was: Yes, I would .

The thing is: I want the real deal. I want raw emotions. I want a man who is willing to show me his soul. And I want a man who is courageous enough to follow me wherever I might lead him.

Could this all happen in a vanilla relationship?

I guess so.

There is no doubt in my mind that I like kink and anal sex and spankings and corner times and bringing a man to his limits and making him cry. I think it is unbelivably hot to have the power to make a man do or not do some things. Orgasm control is something that makes me smile every time I only think at it. And I still remember the first time I had a man over my knees and spanked his bare butt with my hand. I can not even see a man wearing a belt without remembering how I used a belt on a mans butt.

However, the kink alone is not enough for me. I want the feeling that dd and kink evokes in me. The intimacy and the belonging, the commitment and the bonding, the trust and the understanding between the partners.  I think if a vanilla man offered me these feelings without kink, I would gladly accept his offer.

a proper scolding

I have done my homework and by now my scolding abilities have definitely improved. Remember all my whining about me not being able to scold properly in English?  Well, I am pretty sure that problem is gone now. My English is sometimes still -let´s say- "questionable", but this does not prevent me anymore from scolding like an expert :-)

I really am into giving  tongue- lashings. I think they are a very valuable tool for making a punishment a real punishment. They help a lot in creating the right atmosphere for the actual punishment. I want the man to feel it in his stomach, long before he feels it on his butt. I want to hear a pretty high number of "Yes Ma`am" long  before I even start to walk him in the corner or make him go over my knees or tell him that he has lost some privileges.

I enjoy hearing a man trying to calm me down, trying to soothe me, trying to convince me that he is sorry and that he understands why I am unhappy and that he will never do "it" again. This is better than any actual foreplay can be.

I love these moments, when I know that the man really does not want to be punished right now, when he is trying to talk his way out of the puishment, when he is coming up with reasons why he does not deserve "it".
And when I, -while all this talking is going on-,am dead sure that he IS going to be punished. And he, even though he knows too that there is no chance to get away with it, is still hoping that this time, just this time, I might give him a carte blanche.

writing assignment

Happy New Year

After being in a terrible mood over the last months, the New Year definitely brought back some of my old power and strengths. I am feeling alive and full of dreams and hopes and inspiration again.

2010 was the year in which I was all focused on exploring my sexuality and finding the right partner.

In 2011 pretty much all I did was trying to somehow cope with personal drama and loss.

And 2012 is going to be the year in which I am focusing on money and business.

This is a request to all those of you who have had a chance over the last one or two years to get in a somewhat closer contact with me. Please do me a favor and drop me a short private e-mail and let me know what you think what the areas are that I am really good at. Close your eyes, listen to your gut feeling, think of me and then write me what -  in your opinion - my outstanding characteristics are.

I am about to do some major changes in my life and I need as much input from friends and people who "know" me as possible.