Not too long ago a very good friend asked me:
"would you be willing to marry a vanilla man?"
And my answer was: Yes, I would .
The thing is: I want the real deal. I want raw emotions. I want a man who is willing to show me his soul. And I want a man who is courageous enough to follow me wherever I might lead him.
Could this all happen in a vanilla relationship?
I guess so.
There is no doubt in my mind that I like kink and anal sex and spankings and corner times and bringing a man to his limits and making him cry. I think it is unbelivably hot to have the power to make a man do or not do some things. Orgasm control is something that makes me smile every time I only think at it. And I still remember the first time I had a man over my knees and spanked his bare butt with my hand. I can not even see a man wearing a belt without remembering how I used a belt on a mans butt.
However, the kink alone is not enough for me. I want the feeling that dd and kink evokes in me. The intimacy and the belonging, the commitment and the bonding, the trust and the understanding between the partners. I think if a vanilla man offered me these feelings without kink, I would gladly accept his offer.
I grew up in the pre-internet age. I had my deeper wishes but could not discuss them with anyone. These deeper wishes were, back then, considered unhealthy by society, not normal. Fell in love with a fantasitc vanilla partner.
ReplyDeleteTalked about those deeper thoughts but these wishes were not understood. So you suppressed those feelings for decades but you could not really estinguish them. Either the kink or the understanding and intimacy.. well.. I want them both in my life.
appie
Hello Tina,
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful to see you back here. I agree with you that a real love relationship without kink is better than a kink relationship without love.
I imagine, however, that I would need both for a successful relationship. I just don't really know, though.
Take care,
Michael_Michael
What you say reminds me of this peom: http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/oriah-mountain-dreamer.html
ReplyDeleteWhen Cathy and I met and got together, I was only expecting a vanilla relationship, and had no idea she would turn out to be bossy and - over time - develop a love for disciplining me. It could have been luck, or serendipity, or maybe we drew the perfect partner to ourselves unconsciously. I don't know.
If I was on my own again for any reasons, I'm not sure I would want to look for another relationship, as that is hard to imagine, but I think I would look for one with kink, because what I have found was that by having kink, great intimacy comes. Plus, being able to cry across her lap has let me be me. More than anything else, we need to be ourselves.
@appie: I want them both too :-) Only, I think for me , personally, the kink is a good way to be sure that the man loves me and cares about me and trusts me. And if my partner is able to evoke these feelings in me without kink, I think I could be happy with the man anyway.
ReplyDelete@Michael: Thanks. It feels good to be back. I just needed some time for myself and now I enjoy being a member of the online community again.
Very generally speaking: I think that real love relationships without kink are underestimated by many.On the other hand: Can there even be a real love relationship when the partner is not accepting/liking/interested in such an important part of the other persons soul?
@Matt: That poem was perfect. Thanks for sharing.
I agree with you and your assessment that the kink brings great intimacy.My thesis is only that intimacy that is shown through other means, like eg spooning, or going to church together or laughing together can be as fullfilling to me as a domestic discipline session.
@all: It comes all down to the question: what does the kink stand for in your life?
And depending on your answer, I am sure there can be found other means to experience the underlying feeling. I am not saying: Let go of the kink. I am asking: What feeling are you having deep inside your soul that you usually only bring up during kink.
Hi Tina:
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post.
Thanks for the comment you left on my blog by the way. Yo asked some great questions.
I have tried to live without D/s and found that I was not able to do it. This is the way I am wired. I can no more change this about myself than a gay man can change being attracted to other men. It's a core piece of my sexuality. Not to say I can't enjoy vanilla sex. But if it was a contest and I had to let go of one or the other I would be forced to let go of vanilla.
Your reply to my post about "asking for what you need" and what you have written here seem to speak to a basic difference between kinky women and kinky men. Judging from what you wrote, a kinky dominant woman cherishes the vulnerability of her submissive partner and is turned on by the emotional connection with her sub. It sounds like you could get by without the kinky sex as long as you had a similar type of emotional/psychological connection with your lover.
As a submissive male I also cherish these things but I have found I also need the physical acts and the fetishistic rituals that go along with them. I don't need it all the time but I need to revisit the physical rituals of BDSM at least occasionally in order to keep the D/s connection with my partner vital and alive.
I would also like to say that, judging from what you wrote, any submissive man who belongs to you is incredibly lucky! ;-)
Best
hmp
@hmp: yeap, you understand me pretty good. It is exactly as you wrote: I could get by without the kinky sex as long as I had a similar type of emotional/psychological connection with my lover.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how familiar you are with my blog, but I opened this blog in order to find a man. And , I DID find a man indeed.Only he lives about a 12 hours flight away. When I was with him, I had the time of my life. Due to some real life problems I have not seen him in about one and a half year and the situation is not good to even have long-distance kink going on. We had many ups and downs, I broke up with him,I started it again with him, and all without any kink or physical contact for 17 months... But he really was able of conquering my heart. In showing me his vulnerability, he established a psychological/emotional connection between us that is worth everything for me.
So, basically, there is no kink at all between him and I anymore, but I still want him.
Not sure if this all makes sense to you...
I will probably elaborate in another post on my blog.
Hello Tina.
ReplyDeleteI'm very happy to read your posts again; your last one, as many others before, sounds very meaningful to me.
Fantasies (the relationship you would like to be in) and reality (the relationship you're actually in) are different, and it seems not always easy to make them match.
I think it is a matter or priorities: fulfilling your fantasies or accomplishing your desire for a wider and deeper emotional satisfaction. If the latter is the case, I also think that fantasies must be considered as a mean, not as the aim.
I find this is also the difference between femdom and female-led relationship: the difference between kinks and real love! :) And if you're seeking for love, you would never refuse it, even you have to "sacrifice" (some of) your fantasies!
Besides, this "sacrifice" may be just temporary: probably the best female-led relationships consist in a mutual discovery (or rediscovery) of your inner dominant or submissive inclinations, as Scally said. I believe that inner dominant and submissive people naturally tend to find their perfect match... even if they are not conscious of their and their partners' natures!
Thanks for this wonderful insight.
I hope you're fine now after so many bad months. :)
Hi Tina:
ReplyDeleteYes this all makes sense. I am not familiar with all the twists and turns your relationship has taken but he sounds like a lucky guy.
For most men sex (and for subs kinky sex) is an important part of the equation. You and I have talked about this at great length on my blog so I won't belabor it here. Women are sometimes not as physical in their expression of love as their male counterparts would want them to be. I think its a Venus and Mars kind of thing. Not sure what the status of your relationship is at this point but it's something to keep in mind.