crazy how our brains work

I am not in a good spot emotionally. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hate it. My depression has returned full force and I am feeling pretty lost. I am talking to a shrink once a week, and she is super helpful. I don't know how I could make it without her. 

I was pretty much emotionally burned out when I arrived in the US. And in the last months I thought I had somewhat gotten back to normal, but I am realizing: I am not back to normal yet. Depression is a powerful force. Everything feels like a struggle. I feel like crying, but I don't even have tears anymore.

Everything feels stressful for me. I feel under constant time pressure. And I feel like I don't have time for all the things/projects I wanna do. I wake up with the feeling of: "Fuck, the night is over, now I gotta face another day full of struggles and pressure."

My shrink says because I had so much pressure and time pressure in the past, my brain sends me these signals now, even  though I have much more time now than I had in Germany. It's like these thoughts are engraved in my brain now.

I try to get 10 000 steps in daily, and I am trying to eat healthy, but even going for a walk or cooking feels like a burden and a chore. The fact that we are taking care of an elderly family member is not helping.

Part of my problem is that I am (or have?)  a dependent personality. Meaning: I am always focused outwards. Part of my attention, if not most of my attention, is often focused outwards. I am so tuned in to my surroundings, I can feel when other people want something, or need something. And if I can help them, I do. I am always trying to make the people around me feel good. And more often than not, I am succeeding in that goal. That is why everybody loves me. Of course they do, I am a constant source for energy and happiness for them. I am always trying to please everybody. And the result is: they are happy, and I feel like going to bed and never ever waking up.

I am pretty much at loss now with where I wanna go in my life. Getting married and moving to the USA has been my dream for so long, and now I feel like: "That's it. That's all that is. I reached my goal." And honestly: I have no idea where to go from here.

Yes, I am preparing for the bar exam, but I cannot even imagine working full time anymore. 

I know I will always make it,... somehow...., but my problem is: I am so tired, the idea of having to struggle for 40 more years is just unbearable. I don't wanna struggle anymore. I am fed up with solving problems. I am fed up with always being at peoples service, and always wondering where my next money is coming from.

I received a 100 Dollar gift from a friend the other day, and it almost made me cry. I was so thankful for his support. It felt like the universe  -through him- is throwing me a life line. For a moment I could forget what I am constantly feeling: a feeling of failure. Oh, and btw: don't think for a moment that I am enjoying asking readers of my blog for financial support. Believe me, I do not. I feel like I completely failed in my professional life. Here I am now, being forty something, and what have I show off for myself? A German law degree that brought me nothing but problems to work pro bono for.

I realized that I have to change my thinking, especially when it comes to money and charging for my services. And I can report that I have been working diligently on changing my "money beliefs". I worked on it for months and months and months, and the result is: I still don't see any results. It is all still a struggle. I can live as a minimalist, I actually enjoy being a minimalist, but this constant worrying has gotten under my skin. As it is now, I think the California bar exam isn't gonna help me either. It feels like I am doomed. Whatever I do, I will never be able to just rest and relax and calm down.

One other big source of sadness is: I realized that the door for having children is about to close. I never thought that would happen to me. I was always great with kids. I always wanted kids. It fills me with enormous sadness to realize that my own "efforts" to become a mom were in vain.

On top of it all: A friend  has finally really gotten under my skin. He is traumatized and thinks that dd and women who - in the dd context-  enjoy punishing their husband are evil. Me, with my understanding personality, I can totally see where he is coming from. I see that his point of view does make sense, given his history. But the fact that I can understand him and even feel compassion for him, makes it unbelievably difficult for me to stay on my own course. I am having problems asserting myself already. Being told now - from a smart and articulate friend-  that the thoughts I am having are not ok, that is really difficult for me.

DD and the kink has always been my way of finding emotional release. The fact that he is now taking that away from me, makes it really difficult. Sure, I can hear you think: "what does it matter to your life what he thinks?" But the thing is: Over the years I have really liked the raw honesty between him and I. And the fact that he now says that even "consensual" kink action can traumatize or re-traumatize the man, that is a big deal for me. And it is one of the most off-turning thoughts ever.   What does it leave for me? Kinky games are not my cup of tea at all. I don't play kink. And in normal vanilla everyday life I am already more submissive than a housewife in the US in the 50ies. 

When it comes to dd and my husband: I loved the thought of having the man's ok to have things my way. I loved the power that the man handed over to me by submitting to me. I loved the silent trust in me. I loved the sign of "let's do it your way, I know that you know what you are doing". Thinking that I dont have all that anymore, that really makes me sad.

update

I really did it. The fees are paid and all hurdles are taken, I am really going to write the California bar exam on July 27 and 28. In case you are wondering what I am going to do in the next 4 months? Studying, studying, studying :-)

I got lots of legal books and courses to pay,  and if you wanna support me, just send me an amazon gift card to my email address, that would really help me out. 

Do I hear some of you guys thinking: "Tina, wtf, why are you always having money issues? "

Well, I can report that I am working dedicatedly on getting rid of that old program that is running more or less subconsciously in my brain still. 

The gist of  it is: When I was a kid, I was surrounded by people who actually had money, but who chose not to give me any. I had to struggle financially, while my dad was a Rolex wearing rich pimp and my step dad was a successful, rich orthopedic surgeon. But neither of them supported me. I remember days when I was - as a teenager- begging my dad for financial support, but he didn't give me any. And my step father was the very same. He didn't saw a need to give me anything either. My father was all like: "let the surgeon pay for her", and my step dad was like: " let the pimp pay for her."  And in the end I was in the middle and without any support at all.

The sad thing is: I grew up thinking that it is totally normal that other people do have a lot of dough, but that I don't deserve any of it. I grew up thinking and believing that I don't deserve to have money. I grew up thinking that I don't deserve to have my financial needs met.

Of course that was a terrible program for my German law firm. I worked and worked and worked and (subconsciously) didn't think that I deserve to be compensated adequately for my work. 

I am slowly but surely getting rid of that old program, but it is a slow process. And in asking you guys for help, I am reprogramming myself. I am sort of teaching myself that it is ok to ask for help and to have my own needs met.

On the female led relationship front: I realized once more that I got a very nonbelligerent, easygoing, amicable and kindhearted personality. I am not confrontational at all. And in a way I am very proud of that. I love to unify and unite and to mediate and too change my perspectives and to learn new stuff. I tend to adapt myself very easily to new situations. And even when situations are not easy for me, I still try to adapt.

That's why, over the years, I have interacted with men with all sorts of kink. Mohair and cashmere lovers, panty addicts, foot lovers, diaper fetishists, men who were searching for a mother figure, men who craved orgasm control, men who were looking for the emotional release that a good crying brings, line writing and spanking enthusiasts, men who were searching to get punishments from a strict disciplinarian,  etc etc etc.

For me, it didn't really matter what exactly their kink interest was. It was not important for me. For me the interesting aspect is allowing them to be vulnerable around me. I am not a black and white person at all. I see different aspects  and points of views in pretty much all situations and scenarios. 

I do understand now though that when it comes to having my own female led relationship, I am lacking something fundamental. I am lacking the courage to actually put myself first. I am lacking the courage to go for my own needs and wants, when it is contradicting to something the man in my life wants.

I am always trying to please the people in my life. I am always trying to make them happy. I am always helping them to get their needs met. I usually opt for neglecting my own needs in order to make the other person/ the man happy. That is a recipe for disaster though if one wants to build a female led relationship.

In the last months I have been working hard on expressing more clearly and directly what I want. I have made pretty good progress, if I may say so myself :-)

And to all  of you who have read so far: Thank you so very much for your support. You mean A LOT to me. I do appreciate each and everyone of you very very much. I just published a short story on amazon. I am pretty sure you will love it. Here is the link: female led relationship story