I really did it. The fees are paid and all hurdles are taken, I am really going to write the California bar exam on July 27 and 28. In case you are wondering what I am going to do in the next 4 months? Studying, studying, studying :-)
I got lots of legal books and courses to pay, and if you wanna support me, just send me an amazon gift card to my email address, that would really help me out.
Do I hear some of you guys thinking: "Tina, wtf, why are you always having money issues? "
Well, I can report that I am working dedicatedly on getting rid of that old program that is running more or less subconsciously in my brain still.
The gist of it is: When I was a kid, I was surrounded by people who actually had money, but who chose not to give me any. I had to struggle financially, while my dad was a Rolex wearing rich pimp and my step dad was a successful, rich orthopedic surgeon. But neither of them supported me. I remember days when I was - as a teenager- begging my dad for financial support, but he didn't give me any. And my step father was the very same. He didn't saw a need to give me anything either. My father was all like: "let the surgeon pay for her", and my step dad was like: " let the pimp pay for her." And in the end I was in the middle and without any support at all.
The sad thing is: I grew up thinking that it is totally normal that other people do have a lot of dough, but that I don't deserve any of it. I grew up thinking and believing that I don't deserve to have money. I grew up thinking that I don't deserve to have my financial needs met.
Of course that was a terrible program for my German law firm. I worked and worked and worked and (subconsciously) didn't think that I deserve to be compensated adequately for my work.
I am slowly but surely getting rid of that old program, but it is a slow process. And in asking you guys for help, I am reprogramming myself. I am sort of teaching myself that it is ok to ask for help and to have my own needs met.
On the female led relationship front: I realized once more that I got a very nonbelligerent, easygoing, amicable and kindhearted personality. I am not confrontational at all. And in a way I am very proud of that. I love to unify and unite and to mediate and too change my perspectives and to learn new stuff. I tend to adapt myself very easily to new situations. And even when situations are not easy for me, I still try to adapt.
That's why, over the years, I have interacted with men with all sorts of kink. Mohair and cashmere lovers, panty addicts, foot lovers, diaper fetishists, men who were searching for a mother figure, men who craved orgasm control, men who were looking for the emotional release that a good crying brings, line writing and spanking enthusiasts, men who were searching to get punishments from a strict disciplinarian, etc etc etc.
For me, it didn't really matter what exactly their kink interest was. It was not important for me. For me the interesting aspect is allowing them to be vulnerable around me. I am not a black and white person at all. I see different aspects and points of views in pretty much all situations and scenarios.
I do understand now though that when it comes to having my own female led relationship, I am lacking something fundamental. I am lacking the courage to actually put myself first. I am lacking the courage to go for my own needs and wants, when it is contradicting to something the man in my life wants.
I am always trying to please the people in my life. I am always trying to make them happy. I am always helping them to get their needs met. I usually opt for neglecting my own needs in order to make the other person/ the man happy. That is a recipe for disaster though if one wants to build a female led relationship.
In the last months I have been working hard on expressing more clearly and directly what I want. I have made pretty good progress, if I may say so myself :-)
And to all of you who have read so far: Thank you so very much for your support. You mean A LOT to me. I do appreciate each and everyone of you very very much. I just published a short story on amazon. I am pretty sure you will love it. Here is the link: female led relationship story