Letter to Wayne

Let me begin today's blog post with a comment I received. 

 You are so full of yourself!. Your arrogance is amazing. You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? They're a jerk off tool. You're a jerk off tool!. You are not as significant as you think you are. My God!

Wayne.

I have no idea who Wayne is. But I want to use this opportunity to give you all and him some insight in what is going on in my heart.

Wayne,

I wish I could tell you that I ignored your words, that they dont matter to me. But the truth is, when I received your comment I felt terrible. Your words did reach me and did hurt me a lot. 

You gotta understand: I am scared of men. 

Not in a vanilla setting, but when it comes to relationships.

For decades I had ignored the fact that I am a woman, and I walked through life as a human being only. I have totally supressed everything female in me. I went out with couples often, and it was always easy and without any problems, because the men didnt perceive me as woman and the women didnt perceive me as threat. I was totally and completely in the friend zone with litterally everybody I met. Being in the friend zone was just so much safer.

 I have learned early in my life that men are physically stronger than I am, and I have experienced the wrath of angry men. I had to learn that I dont stand a chance if a man actually wants to physically attack me. I have been yelled at countless times by a man I was in a relationship with. I have been emotionally abused by a man. I had a man yell at me from the top of his lungs: I will kill you!

I already wrote here on my blog about my father who was a pimp and treated women badly. He payed guys to punish women who had crossed him by forecfully cutting the womens hair. My father was in prison in Germany for raping his girlfriend. Back then I believed him when he said he didnt do it, but the more time passes and the clearer my head gets, the more I realize: Of course he did it.

From a legal point of view there is no doubt that he was guilty, because the woman was only 16 or 17 at the time, so she was not even able to legally consent.

I saw my step dad slapping my mom in the face.

My step dad once walked with my mom through Heidelberg, they passed a hotel and he said: "Look , wife,  that is the hotel where we spent the night at." My mom replied calmly: I have no idea who you spent the night with in that hotel, but it wasnt me.

I heard stories of my grandma, a nurse, taking care of my grandfather after he drunk so much that he needed medical attention.

Basically: Men not showing any respect to the women in their life has been a recurring theme in my life.

It is all pretty much fucked up. It sucks BIG TIME.

You say: You are so full of yourself!.

Yes, I am full of myself. Because I had to take care of myself. There was nobody else. I had to be the adult in the room when the real adults around me acted like little kids. I had to be there for my mom, because neither my dad nor my stepdad were there for her. I had to be strong for my family when the whole family system was overwhelmed by the death of my 6 months old brother. I  was there for my grandma when her husband died. I had to financially provide for all sorts of family members. I was with her when my beloved grandmother took her last breath.  I worked and took on so much responsibility that I almost collapsed under the pressure.

I honestly dont need a man in my life. I go for what I want myself. But that does not mean I am not craving the wonderfulness of a happy relationship with a man. There is a hurt little child in me , who longs for nothing more than being held and accepted and loved and cared for.

You say: "You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? "

Yes, sometimes they do. I cant change another persons life, obviously. But what I can do is sending out little impulses that guide him wherever his path leads him. It is like the little hurt girl in me connects with the hurt little boy in him. I sort of know intuitively what he is looking for. I mean it is not rocket science anyway, lol, most human beings search for connection, and validation. And it doesnt work with every man. 

Some guys are looking for stuff you describe. Like a quick jerk off phantasy. I totally get that. My father was like that. And all the clients who came to his brothel. I have seen more than enough of these men.

But such a guy is not the right fit for me anyway. Nothing bores me more than being a jerk off tool. This whole thing of getting tributes from men by them jerking off on a women's picture does NOTHING for me. 

You say: You are not as significant as you think you are. 

Actually I dont think I am very significant, I deal with self worth issues on a daily basis. I try to please people constantly, just because I think I have to, because I think I am not allowed to be just me, I doubt that me being me is ok and enough.

I stay firm in saying though that the submissive men who enter my life and who wrote lines for me did receive a lot from me. I gave them my undivided attention and my care. I totally tune in to them and what they might need or want.

I actually think, from the deepest bottom of my heart, that these guys are sent to me from the universe. They are here to help me to get back my trust in men again. By being submissive to me, they tell my inner child: dont be afraid of me. I am not like the other guys, I am not gonna hurt you. You are safe with me. They have helped me to heal so much over the years, And I totally see and appreciate what they are doing for me. And because what they are giving to me is so valuable to me, I make sure that I am reciprocating.

Tina