I am in a very strange spot emotionally.
I am emotionally tired and unhappy, but at the same time I dont know what to change or where to go from here.
I dont want to go back to Germany, I realized that my place is not in Germany anymore. I might go back in a few years, but going back now would not help at all.
For years I wanted to live where my ex boyfriend lived. But I have finally understood that this was a dream that did not come to fruition.
I am not happy with many aspects of my life at the moment. But I dont know where to go and what else to do. So I am staying.
It feels like I dont have any energy left for new dreams.
I think the smartest thing I can do is to focus on the bar exam and somehow pass this damn thing.
I feel like Richard Gere in this movie clip.
I am 3 weeks away from flying to California and writing the bar exam again. I booked the flight, but no hotel and no car yet. Once again, as so often over the last 20 years, I dont have any money. It all seems so pointless.
I feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself for having so stupid money blocks and beliefs around money. I have worked hard on it in the last 10 years or so. And I spent months last year getting my money mindset in order.
But here I am again, improvising and struggling. And I hate it. I hate myself for being in this place. I should be able to just go and rent a beautiful hotel room and get a nice rental car for 5 frigging nights to have a safe spot where I can stay while writing the exam. No big deal, one would think. But hey, we are talking about me and my life. Everything is complicated in my life when it comes to money.
I am thinking about options of sleeping in the smallest/cheapest rental car in California in order to safe money and get to the convention center where the bar exam is written on time. I am exhausted and scared already and I got 3 more weeks of studying and problem solving ahead of me.
Anyways, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening/reading.
