A lesson in submission

 I was in church yesterday and watched the feet washing rite. While doing that and while listening to the following music being played (  As I have done for you, Dan Schutte ) I had time to reflect over the last 14 months.

It has been a phase of deep learning and healing and also discomfort for me. I was working as a nanny, being micro managed a lot and criticized constantly. Figuratively speaking, I was in an very tight corset and I was having difficulties breathing. 

My bosses were younger than me, financially much more powerful than I and I had to ask for permission to do things all the time. At the age of almost 50 and after having been a lawyer for almost 2 decades I had suddenly become a servant, felt like a slave. And boy did I struggle in that role. 

On the one hand I loved many aspects of it: I loved dealing with the kids, and the kids loved me.  And I loved being loved by them. For me, there is nothing more beautiful than a toddler running up to me and throwing himself in my arms, or a little baby laughing and giggling when I tickle her. I could finally outlive my motherly facets that were deeply buried inside me. I cuddled with the kids and played games and laughed and went to playgrounds and libraries and could make peace with the fact that I did not get children myself. And I was good at it. Many friends who saw me with the kids complimented me on how great I am doing with them and pointed out how much the kids loved me and clung to me.

On the other hand the job was mentally and emotionally incredibly hard for me. I have a tendency to want to please people and in this job pleasing my bosses was just not possible. It felt like I received constant criticism and there was constant focusing on things I had done wrong. 

It all got more complicated by the fact that both bosses worked from home and were constantly around and watching/supervising me. They were in business mode and me, instead of being in detached business mode too, I had my heart and feelings wide open because I was surrounded and dealing with kids all the time. It was just very tricky.

For months I went to bed at 7 pm, just to recover from the day and to somehow make it through the next day. I felt very powerless , very drained and very out of control.  

During that time, in an effort to not lose myself completely, I spanked some of my readers, but none of them returned back to me. I think they could feel that something was off with me.

Figuratively speaking, I was so beaten into submission that my dominant side was more or less dormant. It was a good day for me when I did not cry in the evenings.

To make a long story short: I finally quit and am back in the legal field. 

When I was driving home after my last day of watching the kids, I had the most intense emotional outbreak I ever had. I felt a HUGE feeling of relieve that it is finally over and that I have control over my own life back. I was so happy that the constant feeling of having to do more and doing better and having to work even harder to please the bosses is finally a thing of the past.

At the same time I was crying like crazy because I know I "lost" the kids. I will never spend quality time with them ever. I love these kids with all my heart and letting them go was one of the hardest things I had to ever do. I know that they will be fine, and I think my sadness is also linked with my deep realization that now it is too late for me and that I will never have own children. It is a sadness over the fact that I never experienced being a mom. I always wanted children, but it was just not in the cards for me. I met my husband too late in life. We tried for a while to get pregnant, but biology was against us. 

I am immensely grateful for the time I had with these wonderful kids that I watched for a while. I was often singing to the baby. "You are my sunshine. my only sunshine.  you make me happy when times are grey, you'll never know dear  how much I love you"

I also got a much deeper understanding how much I was loved when I was a child. I was surrounded by love when I was growing up. So far, I had always focused on my dad and the love he was not able to give me. But now I am realizing how much love and warmth and care I did receive from my grandmother, my grandfather and my mom. That's a very healing feeling.

I still see one man for spankings. A few days ago, when I told him about my new job his spontaneous response was: "Congratulations. Now you are on the right track, I am so happy for you. I never saw you as a nanny. This is just not your personality."

I am very glad that my time of submission has come to an end now. It was a hard lesson for me, but I am glad I walked that path and learned what I had to learn.

I am looking forward to tapping into my dominant side again.

Hope you are all doing well.