new findings

 ServingB describes pretty good what is going on in my relationship.

Though I don't know the specifics of the situation your man faces, I truly believe that if someone loves you and understands the love you wish to give to him, then he ought to embrace your desire to travel to be with him. He should not deny what you wish to give. I did that one time with B about a year ago - chose to remain by myself rather than be with her when she wanted to comfort me, and I realized immediately how much that hurt her and how wrong it was of me to deny her what she wished to offer me.

My man is preventing me from standing at his side. And unfortunatelly, he is preventing me successfully.

I did not actually expect him to decline my offer to fly to him. And when he did that, it triggered a lot of feelings within me. Feelings from my past. Feelings of  rejection.

In the last few days however, I realized that he is most likely following a bigger, alpha male concept of  "I am a grown up man, I need to sort out my problems alone".

The problem is: I am not familiar with such an attitude. The men in my family usually relied on other people to solve their problems. (I am not saying that is a better way of walking through life. All I am saying is: That is something I am used to).  And me, personally, I am the queen of sharing problems. A problem shared is a problem halved. Even though I make the tough decisions alone, I usually need to talk about it with friends or family for hours before the decision is made.

There is no doubt that my man has to face the challenges of his life himself anyway. As much as I wanted to provide him with a solution, I can not do that.

However, what I could do and what I would want to do is: to be there for him. To comfort him, to pamper him or to discipline him. I am ready to give him some emotional support. It would please me to do that. It would make me happy. In spending some time with him, I could gain some strength for my own life. It would probably boost his energy and my energy at the same time.

Unfortunatelly, I am backed up in a corner right now. I asked him for his opinion, said I would not do anything against his will. He shared it honestly with me. And now I have to deal with it. It is my turn to just accept it and suck it up.

  

the irony of life

You may finally welcome me to the club. Which club?

The club of those who have been chucked.

He never said it with so many words, but I think his feelings for me just are not longer as strong as they used to be. My feelings for him however are still the same. 

I wanted to fly to him soon, but he does not think it is a good idea for me to come and see him. He says the reason for his decision is linked with the fact that he has to deal with some major challenges right now, and that is  true. No defensive lie. I know exactly what he is talking about and these things are not related to me. But on the other hand, if he really would want to see me...

Ironically, that blog entry is my 100th post. So basically, in the last 99 posts I went all the way as far as a relationship goes. I wanted to fall in love. I searched a man. I found him. I had the time of my life with him. And now I am suffering from heartsickness. 

In hindsight however, I would do everything exactly the same. 

feeling guilty

hub01 wrote in a comment to servingB: 

"The worst part is not the correction session but the feeling that you let her down."

What a wonderful statement. Short and pure and wonderful. And so true. It is true both for the submissive man who wrote it and for the dominant woman. I just can not stand the feeling of letting somebody down.I hate being let down, but even more, I hate letting another human being down. And the more I care about another person, the more I hate letting him/her down.

Outside the world of domestic discipline, I had not know that such men actually do exist...Men who are willing to accept correction by their wifes because they have let her down. A man who feels terrible about the fact that he let her down.  A man who is punishing himself  internally way more than his wife could punish him externally.....If a man with such an attitude lets a woman down,in such a case the dominant woman has the task of administering a sound punishment and at the same time, by doing just that, freeing him from his feelings of guilt and giving him a much wanted clean slate again.

Maybe surprisingly for some of you, in my relationship with my man, there were already 2 (kind of major) incidents in which I let my man down. I mean I let him down in his way of seeing things. Me, I have disagreed with his assessment in the beginning, but in the end, if it comes to the question whether a partner has let the other one down or not, the opinion of the partner who feels hurt is more important than the opinion of the "perpetrator". And he definitely felt hurt. So lets just face it: I hurt him. I let him down. (Can you sense my catholic background... mea culpa, mea maxima culpa...)

My man has apologised to me many times. For many small things he did or did not. But it looks as if I am the one among the two of us, who has to apologise for the big things. And I did apologise from the bottom of my heart. The question is only: what is one of my apologies really worth?

I feel terrible for hurting him. I would like for him to tell me over and over again that things are ok again. But on the other hand, I don`t want to bring the touchy subject on and on again. And I think it is not fair to expect the one who has been hurt by my actions to comfort me now.

I believe deeply in the concept of comforting the partner if he/she should need it. But I do not believe in expecting comfort from somebody who feels hurt himself.

From a pragmatic point of view, it is so much easier to sort things out, if you do not have to rely on words alone....

Right now I am stuck in Germany, with countless problems, whereas my man is somewhere at the other end of the world, with no possibility to personally fly to me either. We just do not have a chance of personally working things out. All we have are words. But sometimes, words are just not enough.  

"my husband hates it"

Every so often one can read in femdom blogs the phrase "my husband hates it!"

And in a dd context I LOVE to read these statements.

Rene wrote:

"Any random domme in one of those blogs will state over and over again that her husband sooo hates this or that, that he feels sooo humiliated doing this or that, that he makes sooo much resistence ... but nevertheless, SHE, the uber-domme doesn't give a damn about it - she will urge him, force him and in the end always get her will, regardless whether he agrees or not."

I do not quite agree with Rene here.

Me, personally: I love to read Ms. Marie`s blog. And this post of mine here is not supposed to be a commentary to her blog solely. I am only using her blog as a good example of what I am talking about. (ahhhh, my English is not getting better..., sorry to all native speakers!)

There are a couple of things that I find really attractive in "the my husband hates it" statement:

"my": The woman uses the possessive pronoun. There is no doubt that she thinks there is a bond between the two of them. She does not distance herself from her partner. My mother for instance, when she is speaking about her husband these days, she uses the words: "the man with whom I happen to be married for the last 30 years..."

"husband": meaning the man has made a public commitment. He is willing to show the world that the lady is actually his lady. This is important to me. I could never live in a relationship where the man is not willing to commit himself to me. I could never be a secret mistress. Or better: I would not want to be one and I have no intention of ever becoming one. I do not care so much about the actual marriage. Being a lawyer, I know exactly that a piece of paper can not safe a partnership...., but I need to have a commitment.

"hates it": the woman obviously knows what her man likes and what he does not like. There are enough women out there who have no clue about what her partner needs, craves, loves or hates.

Most of the time I can feel that the women would not actually hurt the man.This is especially true in Ms. Maries case. Even though I have never spoken with her and not yet contacted her, my gut feeling tells me that there is no need to worry for the husband ;-)

When the foundation of safe, sane and consensual seems to be missing, I usually stop reading the blog right away. However, this does not happen too often. And again, this is not the case in Ms. Maries case.

To me, it is a big turn on to read stories where the man is "forced" to do things, even though he does not want to do them, or hates doing them.

I come from a background where the men always got what they wanted. I am not used to men doing what (we) women want. I have no problems serving my man. In real life I am no bitch.

But the beauty for me with the "my husband hates it" stories is:

These men, like servingB or MsMaries husband, would not do these things for all women. Far from it. (Or at least that is what I assume/hope, lol). They only submit to their individual wifes.The vanilla world has no idea how far they are actually submitting. So in essence, they are only doing it for their wifes and themselves.

So the question is: Are they doing it for themselves or for their wifes?

As we all know here in our little community, d/s does have an attraction to many men. There are many aspects that are generally considered to be just hot. For instance: a man going down on a woman. And that is only an example I am using for the sake of the argument.

But see, the point is: Me, personally I find no pleasure in having a man going down on me. So if I would accept a man submitting to me in such a way, it would actually be hot for him, but boring /not interesting for me. Basically the whole concept of femdom would be counterminded. If I (would ) let a man go down on me, I would do it in order to make him happy, not me. It would be another example of "me giving".

But in femdom we are talking about "women receiving". And more than any sexual deeds I am craving for signs that my partner actually wants to please me.

If a man is e.g. doing  snow angels in the nude ( I just love that idea, sorry, I can not help myself...) he does not do it in order to get his own pleasure in the first place. The pleasure might come from the knowledge that he is actually submitting to his woman and from the knowledge that he is pleasing his wife, but for him, while doing it, I think there is not much pleasure involved.

However for the woman/wife, him doing such things just because she told him so, is a HUGE token of love. A sign that she is much more to him than any other woman on this earth. A sign that he wants to please her. A sign that he wants to show her, how much she means to him.

And to me, the more the man "hates it" the bigger gets his gift to his wife when he is actually doing it.

I like to see men trying to plead their way out of it, trying to negotiate a way out, only to hear the woman say: No, I will not change my plans, you will do as I tell you to do.

THAT is hot in my opinion. And the fact that the woman cares about him and would not actually hurt/harm him goes without saying!

virginity and submission

When I started  my blog last year, I had not had much sexual experience.

To tell you the truth, I was still a virgin. I had never given myself to a man.

I had kissed a man, I had given a  hand job to a man, I had faked an orgasm when a man was touching me, but nothing more.

(Yes, I am serious.... you can close your mouth now. And btw I know about 3 or 4 hot women in her thirties who are still virgins...)

In a way, my blog life was a jump start into exploring my own sexuality. I was really fed up with the fact that I had never exerienced what it felt like to be in a partnership with a great man, to touch him,to feel him, to do all the "interesting" things with him. I was not so much missing the sexuality but more the emotional feeling of closeness and belonging.

I was not shy or fearful  as far as sexuality is concerned. I have always been open and frank about all things related to sexuality. I started masturbating when I was about 15 years old, and I am sure, as far as the "masturbation frequency" goes, I can compete with many of the male readers here :-)

Due to the crazy life of my father, I had always known what is going on in the world as far as sexuality is concerned. He did not molest me or anything, but he always shared his lovelife openly with me. Even at a time when I was not ready to hear about it yet.

In hindsight, domestic discipline and D/s was the perfect way for me to experience what I have been longing for in the past for many many years. My man was able to surrender himself to me in a way that still takes my breath away.

When I flew to him for the first time, both of us had to get used to each other. Which was to be expected. I basically just moved into his place. He had no chance of getting rid of me .... I was suddenly in his life.

And it went perfectly well.

Of course, there were a few challenging moments for both of us, but the fact that he agreed to me being the dominant one, even though I was in reality the "weaker", or "less experienced" one, made things very easy for me. His wonderful submission allowed me to live my dreams, allowed me to experience myself in ways I had only dreamed about.

I remember clearly thinking: That is so good, so easy, things are just flowing between us.

I have never asked him about it, but I guess my man could just feel that even though I was pretty dominant to him on some occasions, I would never actually harm him. And right now, when I am thinking at him, I feel like a loving mother for a child. I care about him on so many levels. I admire him for his knowledge. I can look up to him because he is older and more experienced. I love the way he treats me, so caring, so polite. And sometimes I just want to kick his butt ;-)

And I love that he gives me so much power.

The submissive male is actually the one who decides if and how far a woman can be dominant with him.

If you look at the picures of Ms. Marie and her husband, you can see that he is way taller and stronger than she is. And even though she sometimes uses restraints on him, there is no chance that she could actually treat him the way she does, if he would not agree to it. Shock collar or not ;-)

In the videos that servingB is posting, he is on the bed without any restraints at all. He could get up easily, but he accepts freely whatever B hands out.

And for me as a woman, such an attitude is fantastic. It is a sign of love one just can not get outside the d/s world.

I did not decide to have sex with a man in a vanilla relationship. Never really had it. There was just not enough incentive for me to surrender to any vanilla man.

But to my man, who surrendered himself to me, I will always submit unconditionally.

the way it is

signifer ingentes animos et cordia ministro;

me stat stante phalanx, me fugiente fugit.

 Or in German:

Bannerträger bin ich, Mut und Haltung der Truppe umsorgend.

Steh ich, so steht auch die Front; flieh ich, reißt in Panik sie aus.

This pretty much describes my current situation.
I know I have to stay strong. So many people are relying on my strengths.And I am taking good care of them.
It is just so that living that way is very hard...Sometimes the responsibility is hard to bear.
You would not see any weakness if you would actually meet me. I usually don´t let people know how much I am under the weather.Only here, with you, I share openly what is really going on.

I just can not stand it right now

I deleted my last post. I got a comment to that post, from a female reader, and that comment really hurt. I just can not stand any criticism right now. I am already at the edge of breaking down. And I don´t understand why people feel obligated to write destructive words at a time when I am already in a very sorry state. Probably sadism at its best...But NOT AT ALL my cup of tea. I have written in lengths about the fact that I am not interested in putting somebody down who is already in a weak position. And I was not expecting to become the center of such an attack myself. My fault!

The blog has been my safe haven in the past. Seems as if that haven is gone.Here in my blog and at my related e-mail account, the emails I received in the past were all written with so much love an sincere interest. I probably got spoiled...

I can not tell you what exactly is going on in my life, I need to protect me and my loved ones.
And I don`t need anybody to question me and my life right now.