Though I don't know the specifics of the situation your man faces, I truly believe that if someone loves you and understands the love you wish to give to him, then he ought to embrace your desire to travel to be with him. He should not deny what you wish to give. I did that one time with B about a year ago - chose to remain by myself rather than be with her when she wanted to comfort me, and I realized immediately how much that hurt her and how wrong it was of me to deny her what she wished to offer me.My man is preventing me from standing at his side. And unfortunatelly, he is preventing me successfully.
I did not actually expect him to decline my offer to fly to him. And when he did that, it triggered a lot of feelings within me. Feelings from my past. Feelings of rejection.
In the last few days however, I realized that he is most likely following a bigger, alpha male concept of "I am a grown up man, I need to sort out my problems alone".
The problem is: I am not familiar with such an attitude. The men in my family usually relied on other people to solve their problems. (I am not saying that is a better way of walking through life. All I am saying is: That is something I am used to). And me, personally, I am the queen of sharing problems. A problem shared is a problem halved. Even though I make the tough decisions alone, I usually need to talk about it with friends or family for hours before the decision is made.
There is no doubt that my man has to face the challenges of his life himself anyway. As much as I wanted to provide him with a solution, I can not do that.
However, what I could do and what I would want to do is: to be there for him. To comfort him, to pamper him or to discipline him. I am ready to give him some emotional support. It would please me to do that. It would make me happy. In spending some time with him, I could gain some strength for my own life. It would probably boost his energy and my energy at the same time.
Unfortunatelly, I am backed up in a corner right now. I asked him for his opinion, said I would not do anything against his will. He shared it honestly with me. And now I have to deal with it. It is my turn to just accept it and suck it up.
You are missing the opportunity, he needs you to lead!
ReplyDeleteYes, I think you are right. I am probably missing the opportunity. When I wrote that post, I felt that readers might tell me that.
ReplyDeleteWill probably explain more of my reasoning in a future post.
In spite of relationship role, men and women think differently. When presented with an issue often women discuss it and look for the opinions and feelings of others. Not that they want someone else to make the decision but they look for support. Men on the other hand just look for a solution and concentrate on same, sometimes getting tunnel vision with little regard for how the solution may impact others... It's a guy thing.
ReplyDeleteIch habe Dir vor ein paar Monaten schon einmal geschrieben, aber da ich dadurch einen enormen (aber ungewollten) Zulauf auf meinen eigenen Blog erhielt, musste ich meinen Eintrag wieder loeschen.
ReplyDeleteWeisst Du, ich hatte grosse Hoffnung fuer Dich. Theoretisch warst Du tatsaechlich die starke Frau, die Du hier so grossartig propagierst zu sein... aber dann musste ich zusehen, wie Du Dich hier selber demontiert hast. Das Bild das Du von Dir selbst geschaffen hast, zerplatzte wie eine Seifenblase - denn hinter all Deinem gefeierten Gedankengut von einer starken Frau, verbarg sich nichts weiter als ein kleines Maedchen, das ganz schreckliche Angst vorm Leben hatte und sich hinter zusammengeklaubtem Gedankengut versteckt.
Du vergisst, dass sich die Menschen in das Bild der strengen, zuechtigenden, toughen Frau verliebt haben ...weil Du ja viel mehr von Dir auch nicht preisgegeben hast - und da solche Frauen Mangelware sind, gehen Maenner viele Kompromisse ein, um mit einer solchen Frau zusammen zu sein.Mit Deinen verklaerten Ausfuehrungen hast Du eine Traumwelt geschaffen, in der jeder devote Mann sein persoenliches Walhalla gefunden hat ...nur leider war das alles pure Theorie. Nachdem Du 'Deinen Mann' gefunden hast, wurde, vor den Augen aller Mitleser, aus der grossen Erzieherin, dieses kleine verliebte Maedchen - und damit hast Du Dich fuer die meisten Maenner vollkommen entzubert.
Eine D/s Beziehung zu fuehren ist nicht so leicht, wie man es sich in seinen Traeumen herbeidenkt. Eine solche Beziehung bedeutet auch unpopulaere Entscheidungen treffen und Konsequenz beweisen, wenn man seinen geliebten Partner eigentlich viel lieber in den Arm nehmen moechte - weil es genau das ist, wonach der Partner sich sehnt.
'Dein Mann' will, egal was er versucht Dir vorzumachen, nichts mehr als eine anstaendige Tracht Pruegel. Er will die Erzieherin. Die Gouvernante. Die Mistress.
Waehrend Du Dich hier ueber irgendwelche Probleme waehrend Deines Studiums ausgelassen hast und Dich dabei verbal gestikulierst hast wie eine kleine Drama-Queen, hast Du das Verlangen in Deinem Mann erwuergt.
Es liegt mir fern Dich hier zu beschimpfen, im Gegenteil, dieser Blog mutierte zu einem absoluten Train Wreck ...dabei sind Deine Gedanken ja durchaus interessant - nur sind sie halt theoretischer Natur und genau wie beim Sex, wird man nur besser, wenn man solche Beziehungsmodelle auch tatsaechlich lebt. In Ihren Vorstellungen sind alle Maenner Super-Stecher. Auch die Jungfrauen.
Mir ist lar, dass Du diesen comment nicht veroeffentlichst - zu Recht. Ich wuensche Dir nur das Beste und hoffe, dass Du gluecklich wirst.
Mark, if I would not be a strong woman, I had no chance in actually living through my real life challenges these days.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much going on, even a tough bodyguard would not want to trade places with me. That I know for sure :-)
I am fighting on (too) many fronts at the same time.
There are 2 people in my family who are suffering from really big health issues.I need to visit various md`s with them on a regular basis. And most likely it will get only worse. They both need my constant attention.
My mothers marriage is worse than ever, she is relying on me more than ever.
One of my siblings is having a very hard time in life. Meaning: I need to spend hours on the phone in order to offer assistance.
I got a new staff member in my law firm. The girl is very young and needs way more supervision than I had ever imagined.
We had a water-mains burst just recently in our home. Not an event that would brighten my day...At this point of time, there is no chance to know if the insurance company is going to cover for the damage.
My law firm is growing and growing. which is very good. Clients come and trust in me and in my work.But believe me, being an attorney is not a piece of cake. The responsibility that goes with it is sometimes almost not to bear.
Than there is the thesis drama...If you are not working in the scientific area, you will probably not understand why it is so important for me to get that thesis done. Well, 75% of the german population does not get it, as we know through the events with our secretary of defense... So you are in good company.
I tend to be a stress eater. That is why I am on a low carb diet right now. And I try to work out as much as possible. I was in the sauna last thursday, and after only a few minutes, I felt as if all power had left my body. I almost fainted.
The fact that my man lives in the States is not helping either. But Mark, you have to realize one thing: with my man, I made a conscious decision for LOVE. I got "offers" from many men. And I chose my man consciously. I have NEVER regretted even for one moment that I chose him.
OK, so if I should have painted a picture of myself in the past that made you think I would be a strong, dominant woman, whereas I am actually a little helpless girl, I apologize ;-)
Tina, unlike some of the other commenters I don't think that you should have ignored your partner's request and I don't think that his request says anything negative about his love for you. Now, I'm not living in any kind of real life DD relationship, but to my mind this isn't the point here. As you said, your man obviously deals with his challenges in a different way than you do. It's the same with my partner and me. When I'm down, I want him around. When he is down, he needs some solitude in order to sort out his mind. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't love me and it doesn't mean that he doesn't share his life with me. It just means that concerning that special issue he and I are different!
ReplyDeleteYour man has honestly told you about his needs. For me honesty is a sign of love. Being around him and comforting him would make YOU feel better, but since he told you that he needs to be alone you decided to help him by doing what is good for HIM. To my mind that shows how much you love and respect him. I can relate to your sadness. It is hard that you can't see your man and hold him tight.
But I think that you don't have to beat yourself up about your decision and about the fact that your man doesn't want to see you right now. To my mind the way you treat each other (with honesty and respect) is a good one. And I'm sure once your man has found a way to deal with his challenges, he'll be very glad to have you around. And then his mind will also be sorted out well enough to enjoy your presence and to have a good and fulfilling time with you. I cross my fingers that this time will come soon!
Cudos to you for posting my comment and thank you for taking the time to answer it. Now I regret that I didn't write you in English.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... now that you elaborated on the shit situation you are in, I should probably be a lot more apologetic and tell you what a giant douchebag I was for ever doubting you or your dominance. Your situation is so terrible right now, that even the strongest, toughest and meanest of all dominants would have a hard time to not just crumble like a cookie - and yes, you have every right in the world to be needy and look for a shoulder to snuggle up to.
But that was not really the point of my comment. Neither was your thesis drama (and yes, I actually do understand the significance of it ...and the situation we are currently in with our minister of defense). Maybe it is just because I've met a lot of women that had similar attitudes. Wonderful souls that had very defined ideas about their own sexuality, but weren't experienced enough to ever put them through their paces.
You find yourself through practicing sexuality. Things that make a lot of sense in theory turn out to be not 'your cup of tee' in the real world. The whole concept of "I will imply consistent discipline and spank her for every minor infraction" turns into the whole "Damn, your smile is so cute that all I want to do is kiss you" no matter how motivated I went into the relationship.
You painted this wonderful picture of yourself of being this very down-to-earth-no-nonsense disciplinarian with a very lovable touch, and since you were a 30 something year old,, educated and smart lawyer I wanted to believe you. I enjoyed reading your thoughtful ideas ...but once you did put them thru the paces by meeting your man, the whole card house fell together and I had to realize that you were just as soft of a dominant as me (I'm just trying to not make this thing look like a 'pissing contest' because it definitely is not about that).
I wish you and your man all the best. I hope it all works out and both of you find a position within your relationship that you feel comfortable in.
Have a great week.
Mark
Tina,
ReplyDeleteYou need to be able to let it go.
Your man obviously has his reasons for bailing out, but he doesn't feel it appropriate to share them with you.
It's my opinion that he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that you are not the right partner for him and enumerating why you are not.
Or he has thought it over and looked ahead to a possible future that he is convinced won't work for him, such as moving to Germany where he would be a fish out of water. And for you to relocate in the U.S., as I gather from reading your blogs, is simply not a viable possibility.
In addition, he might feel overwhelmed by the fact that you are an attorney with a thriving and burgeoning law practice while he is living at a somewhat lesser economic standard.
Engaging in DD games in the bedroom is one thing. Living them out in everday life is another.
When one submits a manuscript to a Hollywood production company and it is rejected, the accompanying note usually contains only these words, "Not for us. Thanks."
I think you would be best off if you accepted the rejection at face value and in those terms and moved on with your life.
Remember, there's a Strassenbahn leaving every five minutes.
Ciao,
Rob
(Continued)
ReplyDeleteSixth, while I’m no attorney, I’m not a stranger to hard, overwhelming work. You have to develop calm, an “eerie” sense of purpose, and the confidence that you can handle your work as an attorney. When the pressure piles on, don’t react; just make a mental note as to what needs to happen next, and then do it. Try to separate your emotional reactions to the problems your clients face, for most of them are totally responsible for screwing up their lives or acting in immature and irresponsible ways that landed them in trouble in the first place.
Seventh, find another thesis adviser. Your current professor has serious issues with women. Find someone who will encourage and not threaten you with vague innuendos. For Christ sakes you deserve better!
Eighth, get off the low-carb diet; it’s not healthy because it can contribute to ketoacidosis, which could harm your kidneys. Eat a balanced diet, watch the amount of calories you consume, and engage yourself in moderate exercise, including aerobics and weight training. No wonder you fainted; your blood sugar was too low.
Ninth, completely ignore anyone who criticizes you and does not support your current efforts. Because you are not an elected, public figure, you don’t owe these self-appointed pundits a damn thing; there’s not need to justify yourself to anyone for any reason. If I were your dad, that’s exactly what I would tell you.
Tenth, I haven’t a clue as to what’s happening with your American boyfriend, and no one else does either. Just give him some space, let him know that you’re there for him, and then forget about it. Go about your life, and keep beating the bushes for Mr. Right.
If you’re a strong woman, you will need to take command of your current situation and plow through your various life issues like a combine through a wheat field. I know you can do it. And if you feel like falling apart, you will need to develop the capacity for self-soothing because I know you can do it. You are a survivor, so don’t disappoint me!
And remember this: not all submissives are weak. Being submissive is a lifestyle, not a declaration of helplessness.
Hi Tina,
ReplyDelete(I hope this won't become a duplicate post.)
I have spent hours reading your blog, trying to determine the best way to support you during the difficult times you now face. I even tried to send you a blog disclaimer regarding adult content, which was a topic of one of your previous posts, but your blog filter would not allow me to post it.
My first observation is to trust what Kaelah has written. Not only is she a well-educated and intelligent woman, she possess great compassion and insight. Perhaps the two of you can correspond? I can’t think of a better human being who I would want in my corner.
I fully realize that much is going on in your life, and perhaps too much of it is not your responsibility? I know what I’m about to say may sound a bit callus, but bear with me.
First, I fully realize that two of your family members are seriously ill. Is it your direct responsibility to care for them? Is there not anyone else who can lend a helping hand? Why should you be the only one to give aid and assistance? I realize you are a lawyer and must strike fear in the hearts of MDs when they see you, but really, isn’t there someone else who can do some of the heavy lifting?
Second, and more important, I realize your mother’s marriage may be on the rocks, but is that your responsibility? Don’t you think your mother’s marriage is an issue to be worked out between her and her current husband, and not you? Your mother and her husband can always go the marriage counseling. Maybe you shouldn’t be involved, and it’s very unfair of your mother to burden you with her marital problems. After all, you are her child and not the other way around.
Third, while I don’t want to sound like a social Darwinist, there’s probably little you can do for your sibling. He or she has to take full responsibility for his or her life and to find the best possible solution to whatever he or she is facing. Once again, are you really the “keeper” of your sibling, making you solely responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of your brother or sister?
Fourth, I can appreciate that training a new staff member can be a bit of a challenge, but do you really need this burden right now? In America, and especially where I work, if you don’t pull your own weight quickly, you’re shown the door. Maybe you need to have a conversation with the new employee that covers what you expect and where the new employee is falling short? Please don’t let me goad you into being the strong woman, for in this case terminating an employee who is not working out may be the best for all concerned.
Fifth, as for the water main breaking, I would be shocked to learn that your insurance company would not cover such an event. And if they don’t, you know what to do: sue their ass!
(To be continued.)
Annapurna, I think your advice to Tina is excellent, and I'm happy you said it so well. Tom
ReplyDeleteTina -
ReplyDeleteI suggest you take a look at some of the books by Deborah Tannen. One area she studies is the different use of language by men and women. When a woman poses a problem she expects support and isn't necessarily looking for a solution. When a man hears the problem, he focuses on solving it and doesn't think about simply listening and providing support.
There are numerous other examples in her books. Some of them are cultural, so they might differ by national cultures, but many are simply differences in the ways men and women think and express themselves.
Another example is that many women, when they want to do something will ask their friend or partner if they want to do it. For example if a woman wants to have a cup of coffee she will ask if her friend wants to have a cup of coffee. A woman friend will recognize the question as an invitation to join in having a cup of coffee that the woman wants to have. A man won't recognize that and will respond depending on whether he happens to want coffee.
Deborah Tannen writes entire books on these differences. I think they might provide you a helpful perspective.