For me, getting involved in dd acts and talks can be a dangerous thing.
I am a giver. Most of the time, I give much more than I receive. This should not be a problem, with me being christian and all that..., but in reality it is a big problem.
Help, support, time, dedication, legal advice... you name it. I am giving and giving and giving. In real life, I am always busy with taking care of other people and other peoples problems.
I am giving so much, because I can relate to these people and I am sensitive enough to understand that they are in need (whatever their need might be).
If a submissive man approaches me, if he is telling me about his wants, needs and fears, my natural instinct wants me to give him what he needs. I want him to feel good again and I want to provide him with whatever it is that he is craving and missing.
Due to this character trait of mine, many men have used me to provide them with wanking material only. That´s not generally a bad thing. The world needs good wanking material :-) However, doing that, namely serving these men, gives me the feeling of being worthless and not seen at all.
A friend gave me the advise: "The trick is not to tell them anything and sound dominant at the same time". But this is not something I am good at. Actually, with me, it is always all or nothing.I have never used that"trick" that my friend has been mentioning.
Are you with me so far? Because it is getting even more complicated:
In order for me to open up to a man, in order for me to let myself fall and let my guards fall, I need to feel a special bond between him and me. Don`t get me wrong. I have no problems with sharing my feelings openly. Even at the very beginning of a platonic/not sexual relationship with a stranger. However, what I am refering to right now is a deep embedded insecurity and a deep embedded fear of mine of not being good enough, not worth it, not lovable.
Usually, if a man is willing to submit to my guidance, I can be pretty dominant in the beginning. I am Ms. "Know it all" and honestly, in all modesty, I pretty much AM "Ms. Know it all". I understand him and can relate to his wants and needs and I am making sure that he is feeling great.
Only- at this point of time is when I usually tell him that I have wants and needs too. I do have enough own problems and sorrows and worries. And I need a shoulder to lean on too. However, due to my alledged "invincibility" many men are just overwhelmed with my- for them- "sudden" change of personality. For them, totally unexpected, the strong and not wavering "Tina" is becomming "little tina", a girl who is trying to find love and acceptance and support too.
What is left is a mess:
the man feels overwhelmed and betrayed, after all, he thought he would be dealing with some sort of Ms. Perfect, always in control, always strong...
and me, I am feeling guilty for "wanting too much" and not giving him what he wants....
Hi Tina,
ReplyDeleteI hope that your man will be able to support you emotionally when you need it. I believe that that's real life and love for everyone, at least at times.
I am in a very cynical mood today, so no sugar coating:
ReplyDeleteThese men who you serve do not care about you; that's why they behave this way. They are selfish users who see you as a fetish delivery machine, not a woman, not even a person, so any human 'failings' on your part do not fit in with their desires. As soon as you no longer fit their feverish wanking fantasy, you will have 'failed' their imaginary scenario and will be discarded.
Believe me, any woman who openly identifies as having some sort of fetish/kink/BDSM interests is on the receiving end of this kind of attention.
*IF* you get some fun out of these interactions solely for the hell of it, then more power to you, but please do recognise them for what they are or they will destroy your lovely soul and your faith in the goodness and sincerity of human nature. These men will leave you disappointed and disillusioned over and over again if you don't recognise them for what they are.
Ferns
@ Anon: love hurts...
ReplyDelete@ Ferns: thanks :-)
I really appreciate your words. You are helping me to realize that "I" did nothing wrong. It just is as it is with these men and I need to be more careful in the future.
In my defense, I can report that the overwhelming majority of men who ever contacted me have been great and sincere men. This is probably due to the fact that my blog is still a pretty small blog with not too much traffic. It seems that -in a way- I was just spoiled.
So these new men, these selfish users, have not been around for too long in my life and I was kind of taken by surprise by them.
Ironically, months ago, my man told me that he could feel some sort of naivitee (how on earth does one spell that word in English...)in my blog. And he told me to be careful MONTHS ago. Damn, why does he have to be always right, lol. So at least I made the right decision with him :-)
Frankly, and even if he should read this now, the problem is that he is not giving me enough attention right now. He just cannot give more right now. That is a fact. I understand that. But it is a fact too that I need more attention right now...
It is almost funny that I ended up in wanting to get support from people like the one you described...
well, what can I say....that´s life and I am still learning.
Tina, You are a good and lovely person and I miss our chats. C
ReplyDeleteHi Tina,
ReplyDeleteI had a very weak and manipulative mother who spent a lot of my childhood in bed. So I get panicked when women go weak and needy and don’t handle it very well when Cathy does. But she is like you, she is bossy and wants to be in charge, yet she is also a fully emotional woman with vulnerability. Fortunately we are in relationship and can work through these times and I am working on getting better and remembering to recognise that Cathy’s charm is her vulnerability as much as her power. So please be gentle with yourself.
And yes there is a naivety about your blog and I worry too about you at times. But that vulnerability of yours is what makes you worth reading, and knowing.
Tim
Tina, I am sorry you did not find the man who was man enough to man up for you; I'd have considered myself fortunate to meet you; give myself over to you; and to be there for you too. I believe I am that sort of guy, maybe you can find him. It's not easy to always be in charge. But believe me, it's not any easier to go for months needing to be taken in hand, with no certainty that it'll ever happen for you again either (and very frustrating considering the way I give myself over; full restraint for me, with a signed note pleading for a series of three or more very serious spankings before the knots are undone... but I am also very strong in between the special times. Best of luck to you going forward.
ReplyDelete