I
have written a lot about pain and punishment, and I always wrote out
of the perspective of the one who is handing out the punishment. Now
I want to address that subject out of the perspective of the one who
is being punished.
Frankly:
I messed up. I
hurt my boyfriend that much that he is really punishing me now. He is
teaching me a lesson and I am on the receiving end of one of the
hardest punishments I ever got. And I can report: his punishment is
hurting me a lot. As every good punishment is supposed to be, it is
very unpleasant, it is painful and it is definitely making me think.
So far so good ;-)
A couple of weeks ago I
put him under real pressure and told him that I want to marry /to be
married. I told him to take/marry me or to leave me.
The outcome of that
pressure was that he left me. Or actually: After having sent me about
2000 emails in the last years, he now suddenly stopped all
communication with me. He does not take my calls, I dont get a reply
to my emails and I have not heard from him in weeks at all.
The interesting aspect
is: When I had told him that I want to be married at the end of 2014
/Summer 2015 at the latest, for a moment it looked as if he would
agree to it. And during that short moment, all of a sudden, seemingly
out of the blue, I became super scared. I had this feeling of: “OMG;
Really? This is really going to be happening? I am scared of it.”
It was fear of success.
It felt like “this is too good for me. This cannot be happening to
me. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve so much good”. Being his wife
was all I dreamt about in the last years with him. And now I realised
that the idea of becoming his wife, the idea of living my dream,
scared me.
It was one of the aha-
experiences one sometimes has in life. I got a rare glimps in my own
invisible scripts. A glimps in my deepest fears and insecurities. It
almost looks as if I (by forcing him to make a decision) sabotaged my
relationship with him because according to my own invisible scripts
what we had was “too good for me”
When I had put him
under the "marriage-pressure" I sort of knew that he does
not want to marry. I guess that in his opinion it is just not the
right time. There is just too much other stuff going on that is
making a wedding/marriage quite complicated. The fact wheter or not
he is going to marry does probably say nothing about wheter he loves
me or not.
And still I pressured
him into a decision. I did it
because I do think that it is absolutely normal for a woman to want
to be married. I want to show the world that we belong together, I
want to share the same family name with him, I want to wear a wedding
band with his name on it, I want him to wear a wedding band with my
name on it.
I
had no intention to hurt him. I did not want to emotionally smother
him or to legally restrain him. I just wanted the world to see that
we belong together. He is in my heart, we had wonderful moments in
the last years, we went through many challenges together, he has been
an enormous help to me when a family member passed away not too long
ago and I know that he does have strong feelings for me too. So to me,
marriage seemed a logical step.
Hurting
him did not even cross my mind. I wrote him that I was always so
scared of losing him, but that I now feel strong enough to address the
tricky marriage subject. I told him that I don`t want to be a burden
in his life and if he does not want me in his life anymore, I don`t
want to be in his life anymore either. I wanted clarity. I wanted to
know whether I am the right one for him too or not.
In
my line of thinking: I wanted to either hear a clear commitment or a
clear: „Babe I am sorry...I just cannot do it. But thanks for the
wonderful years we had together.“
I
really want this man to be my husband. I do think though that I could
have lived calmly and peacefully if he had told me the words that
people usually say in situations like this: „Hey, it`s not your
fault. I just dont want to marry. Bla bla bla.“
What
is really hard for me though is that he went into „no contact“. I
am feeling so rejected and so hurt, I don`t even have words to
describe it. The fact that I am absolutely powerless here is almost
unbearable for me. I am a dominant woman, I am used to taking things
in my own hands and solve problems when I see some. I talk about
things, and I do actually apologise when I understand I hurt somebody.
It might sound strange, but apologizing is actually not difficult
for me. If somebody is dear to my heart, I think it is only natural
to want to be on good terms with that person. In my family we usually
express our feelings openly. We yell, we slam doors, we argue, we
push each others buttons, but we are easy to forgive and easy to
apologize. However,
in the current situation I don`t have any means to apologize. I am not
sure if he even reads my emails at the moment. And I am pretty sure that he is not reading this post here either.
When
it comes to hurt and violation, the view of the person who got hurt
must be treated as the determining factor. And obviously my boyfriend
is very hurt now.
Be
assured that he is very able to express his feelings. He can be very
good with words. I am a lawyer, I actually use words a lot. I talk a
lot and I talk a lot about my feelings. And my boyfriend does have
the ability to share his feelings with me, he is on a par with me
verbally and he is strong enough to defy me if it is needed. :-) He
does not always want or like to share his feelings with me, he
is a man after all and I do know that as far as men are concerned
other standards for sharing feelings are to be aplied ;-) But
generally speaking, we were very capable of talking things over and
finding peaceful and respectful settlements for our disagreements in
the past.
So
when we don`t talk things over now it is because he does not want
to talk it over. The fact that is really making me think is that he
chose to hand out the biggest possible punsihment: No Contact.
He
is no fool, he is in fact a very empathetic man. So he does know
exactly that no contact is having a huge impact on me. And the idea
that he seemes to think that I deserve to be punished so harshly is
almost unbearable for me. My instinct is to run to him, to fight for
our love, to try to convince him that I am the right woman for him.
But my brain tells me: „Tina, don`t do that. The more you contact
him now, the more is he going to reject you.“ He knows that I want
to have contact with him. He obviously wants to send a very strong
message. It is his decision how long he wants to stay silent. I obviously got no say in it.
If he really thinks that no contact is the appropriate punishment for me, I must have hurt him immensly. My feelings of guilt, anger, fear and dismay are overwhelming. I try to trust though that he is going to end my punishment someday in the future. He has given himself in my hands so often in the past, I could be dominant and boss him around many times, maybe it´s only fair that now the tables are turned? I only hope he will give me the aftercare I deserve. This whole thing is really bringing me at my limits.
Wow! What a post. I saw you commented on another blog and looked you up. Finding your blog I read of your boyfriend/relationship woes. I have a few comments.
ReplyDelete1. First, your boyfriend is expressing some of the most immature, irresponsible, self-centered response I've seen in quite a while. He's a grown man and yet acting like an 8-year old. At the very least he owes you his honest feelings yet he has chosen to play the passive aggressive person and punish you because you chose to be honest with him.
But you did give him an ultimatum - marry me or leave. Tina, you want an answer. He owes you that - that is, if he loves you. To take this path - the path of silence, to me screams of a red flag. If you were my daughter, I'd tell her that she just learned something really significant about another person and ought to strongly consider if this type of behavior is something you WANT to have repeated should you marry.
Personally I'm sad to have to read the pain you are enduring and hope that you can find peace.
Glad to have found you blog!
There's nothing like stating what you want with a deadline to check the state of ambiguous intentions.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is irrefutable once it is spoken. You forced him to be honest. Unfortunately, you've also revealed he lacks the character to deal with the truth as well as the basic decency to be validate the difference in your desires in your presence.
Otherwise the whole relationship seems like a figment. You move on, but wondering.
I think you were brave to state who you were as a dominant woman and what you were seeking in a submissive partner then pursue it in such an open, unapologetic way. I always enjoyed reading your blog; its intelligence and wit. Perhaps you will resume posting in the future. I hope so.
a
Liebe "starke Frau"
ReplyDeleteIch hoffe Du verzeihst, dass ich in Deutsch antworte, aber meine Worte sind so präziser und sprachliche Präzision ist hier nötig.
Ich fand Deine beeindruckenden und offenen Zeilen durch Zufall über "sheheld".
Was ich nun sage, mag hart sein, aber ich glaube, je eher Du Dich dieser Wahrheit stellst, desto besser für Dich.
Ja, Du hast ihn unter Druck gesetzt. Du hast ihm die ultimative Frage gestellt und Du wolltest eine Antwort. Aber jemanden in einer wichtigen Sache zu einem Bekenntnis zu zwingen, ist kein Verbrechen. Man muss aber mit der Antwort leben können.
Nun, Du hast die Antwort bekommen. Das ist kein Strafe, wie Du es Dir in Deinem Trennungsschmerz ausmalst, das ist eine Antwort, eine feige zwar, aber eine Antwort. Der Unterschied ist wichtig!
Und nein, es ist nicht so, dass er Dich liebt und Du Dich schuldig fühlen müsstest. Denn wenn er Dich lieben würde - wirklich von Herzen l-i-e-b-e-n - wäre Dein Seelenheil wichtig für ihn.
Ein Mensch der liebt, lässt die geliebte Person nicht so feige in Verzweiflung. Ich liebe meine Frau und meinen Sohn. Und meine Frau und ich hatten schwierige Momente. Aber nie, wirklich nie, würde ich meine geliebte Familie in so einem Moment alleine lassen und mich feige verdrücken. Und es gibt auch keinen Grund für Dich, sich schuldig zu fühlen.
Du hast die ultimative Frage gestellt und wenn er Rückrat hätte und lieben würde, würde er eine Antwort geben. Vielleicht wäre die Antwort nein oder "nicht jetzt", das alles wäre legitim und völlig in Ordnung. Man kann lieben und trotzdem nein sagen. Aber man kann nicht lieben und in Verzweiflung zurück lassen.
Keine Antwort ist nur Eines: Das Zeichen eines selbstsüchtigen, feigen Menschen, der nicht in der Lage ist, sich den wirklich wichtigen Dingen des Lebens zu stellen und ihnen ins Auge zu schauen.
Du hast eine Antwort gewollt. Du hast sie bekommen.
Löse Dich von Ihm, denn die schwierigsten Momente einer Ehe kommen nicht am Anfang, sondern in ihr drin. Und wer dieses Verhalten so zeigt, wird es auch zeigen, wenn man in der Ehe ist und zB durch Kinder ein Band existiert, dass man nicht mehr einfach lösen und auch nicht ignorieren oder totschweigen kann.
Ich weiss das ist hart, was ich hier schreibe. Aber sei froh, dass Du diese Seite noch rechtzeitig kennenlernen durftest. Löse Dich, er hat Dich nicht verdient. Und sei eine „starke Frau“, die sich nicht für eine Frage entschuldigen muss, die nach einer jahrelangen Beziehung schlicht legitim ist. Man nennt das den Lackmustest.
Der Test wurde nicht bestanden. Und Du wirst jemanden finden, der Dich wirklich *liebt*.
PS: Ich *bin* seit 15 Jahren verheirat und lebe mit Kind in einer glücklichen FLR Ehe. Die wirklich schwierigen Momente kommen in einer Ehe und nicht vorher. Ich weiss, worüber ich schreibe. ;)
LG und alles Gute, Don
Tina,
ReplyDeleteI hope that your relationship resumes. You described what you are going through very clearly, in a way that lets those of us who read it, feel it too. Good luck, and take care.
Michael_Michael