Very strange days here. Three men who were really important to me ended all contact with me within a very short range of time. I am playing the same plot over and over in my life.
The plot goes like this: Find a man, open him up, make sure that he is as awesome as he seems to be, open yourself up to him, trust that he is strong enough and willing to catch you if you fall, show him your weaknesses, let him know that you think he is awesome and that you want more. Accept that he is leaving you. Grrrrrrrr....
1. You know the endless "former- boyfriend- saga". No need to go into it again. But the gist of it is: he had given me his heart but he ended the relationship without giving me a chance to have any say in it.
2. I did not blog about it, but there was a guy who I had contact with on and off for a very long time. I considered him to be a real friend. He wanted to meet me to do some kinky things to him.
I never met him, because I had a boyfriend. Now, with the boyfriend gone, the time seemed right for me to finally meet him. And : no reply from him whatsoever. He had opened up to me in many many ways, but he ended the friendship without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.
3. The new kid on the blog: A wonderful guy. Sensitive, smart, warm...all good. We were in really close contact in the last weeks. And two days ago, he ended our contact. When I tried to add something, to explain something, he literally said: "it is enough now. maybe later more".
So, the new kid as well, he had opened up to me in huge ways, but he ended our contact without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.
Oh and btw. I am pretty sure that neither of the 3 is reading this blog anymore. They literally live on different continents, all of them, but - judging from their behavior- I guess they all had enough "Tina" for the rest of their lives ;-)
The men end it and all I can do is to just suck it up and accept it.
And I am forced to learn the same lesson over and over again:
give him space to breath!, let him have his peace!, don`t push for it!, don`t overwhelm him!, learn to let go!
I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful.
Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior.
I obviously need to adjust my vibration a bit. I need to focus much more on what I want and what I am looking for.
So, let me make absolutely clear to you, to the universe and to myself, lol, what I am trying to find:
I want a man who
- WANTS to stay with me.
- accepts that I want to talk about emotions and feelings endlessly.
- is willing to live in a domestic discipline relationship with me.
- accepts that I can be unbelievably loud and colorful and superficial.
- is open to my never ending creative ideas.
- allows me to love and care for him.
- likes being pampered.
- is willing to submit to my leadership.
- loves me enough to suffer for me when I want him to.
- sees my dominant attitude for what it is: one facet of my personality only. I have been told I am actually a big softie inside.
- is willing to let me admire him.
- is older, smarter and more experienced in life than I am.
- loves to give and to receive hours long massages.
- is able to deal with receiving countless emails and messages and phone calls from me.
- I can look up to.
- trusts me enough to do what I want him to do even though he probably does not always understand yet what I am up to.
- is willing to let me comfort and caress him endlessly, especially after a spanking.
- wants me to have his heart, mind and ass ;-)
I want a man who is willing to LET me love him. For me, loving is always much easier than being loved.
What a wonderful. You sound wonderful as well. I just now came upon your blog and am looking forward to finding out more about it and you. I am a lifestyle submissive husband in a loving Female Led Marriage. I also have a blog about our life together and perhaps you may find it interesting as well. www.subhubphx.blogspot.com. I certainly hope you'll check it out and if you feel moved enough to comment or follow, that would be awesome as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you
jay
Tina,
ReplyDeleteWhen you do find him, he'll be a lucky fellow.
Michael_Michael
Dear lawyer,
ReplyDeleteYou write : "I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful.
Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior. "
Could it be, you don't do anything wrong, but you are attracted to a type of man who in fact is not the right match for you?
Just an idea. Forgive me when you find me too direct.
Regards,
appie
uh, nope, checked my email again and not one email from you? :p
ReplyDeleteHi Tina,
ReplyDeleteSorry to read about all that is going on for you. As I hope you know, I'm always hear to listen and try to help make sense of it all. I may not know how to behave at times, as you know, but I do know men and understand a lot about why we are as we are. So please feel free to email as and if you want.
Tim
It'ѕ actuallу a ցreat aand uszeful piece оf info.
ReplyDeleteI'm satisfied that yοu simply shared tɦis uѕeful ibfo աith us.
Plеase қeep սs informed lіke tɦis. TҺanks forr sharing.
Ӊere is mу blo ... trehyth retert
Hello - you dear wonderful Starke Frau. Although I live in England and although the English (and Americans) are notorious for their poor language skills, I have conversational French and slightly better conversational German.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone out there, I seek the perfect relationship - in my case the perfect loving relationship with a loving dominant woman.
In the relationship which I hope to find, Meine Starke Frau will exert her control over me, and I shall submit to her discipline without complaining. I have many bad habits which require sexual and orgasmic control and denial.
I know that this may sound as if I am trying too hard, but my favourite composer really is Schubert: An die Musik, Staendchen, Erlkoenig, for example; a great deal of his chamber music: D667, D810, D956 to mention just three; and of course his sublime piano compositions: trios D898 & D929, and all his impromptus D90 & D142.
I should love to hear from you at any time !
Handaway.
Hi Tina: Self realization is great, and that is a positive. However, any person looking for the perfect partner - well, i think that is not possible. Everyone has imperfections, and ideas change and evolve over time.
ReplyDeleteMy recommendation: be willing to change things about yourself that are not essential, but do not EVER blame yourself when someone goes away. They have their own demons and desires.
I wish you happiness, even if that means you are spanked occasionally, than always being the spanker.
bottoms up
Red
Is this for real? I mean, I thought these kind of women only exist in dreams...
ReplyDelete@anonymous:
ReplyDeleteyep, this is my real life. Would not say though that I am a dream come true, lol.
Hello Tina, I just stumbled across your blog last night and was fascinated by the thoughts you are sharing with the public. I do like your last post and especially the bulleted list of characteristics of the "imaginary man" you're looking for. This really gives me faith and courage to start believing again, in, yes, "true love", because that's what you're writing about, or at least, that's how I would see and define it for me. I'm not saying that I'm that guy, no, I'm not the perfect submissive, neither a perfect man, and I'm often struggeling with all the gaps between fantasy and reality and the demands of life.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read your list of "requirements", I was thinking: "Oh, that's me" - except for the leadership and dominance part ;-). I feel somehow connected to the needs you are expressing, because that's almost the way I am, I feel and I act when I'm in love with a woman. I want to communicate. I want to open up myself as much as possible. I want to show them who I AM. And I sometimes do overstrain them with my need to get as close as possible. Sometimes, they just stop talking and all my thoughts, words and efforts are vanishing into a black hole. I hate that and it leaves me totally helpless and speechless. To NOT communicate is the biggest punishment I can imagine.
Maybe this happend to your three friends that broke up with you at the same time? - But, you don't have to blame yourself for that: Some people do have a problem with closeness and weakness, they only want to be carried BY someone, but they will never carry YOU. For me, love is always about responsibility and willingness to carry EACH OTHER, and a D/S relationship is much more sensible for failures and childish expectations as a vanilla one would ever be. That is the theory, in reality it's not that easy and I often do fail in that respect. But I would never stop talking, that's for sure.
I would like to share a small poem with you, from one of my favorite writers, Erich Fried. He often gives me answers and he truly was an artist of putting small words together so that they have a HUGE meaning. I'm not going to translate these lines, because we both share the same language.
I hope that you're happy after all and that you are enjoying the start of the new summer.
Cheers
--------------------------
Aber (Erich Fried)
Zuerst habe ich mich verliebt
in den Glanz deiner Augen
in dein Lachen
in deine Lebensfreude
Jetzt liebe ich auch dein Weinen
und deine Lebensangst
und die Hilflosigkeit
in deinen Augen
Aber gegen die Angst
will ich dir helfen
denn meine Lebensfreude
ist noch immer der Glanz deiner Augen
@amu:
ReplyDeleteNicht schlecht *lach, nicht schlecht! Das Gedicht ist jedenfalls sehr gut ausgesucht! Vielen Dank.
War mir eine gro0e Freude.
ReplyDeleteSchlaf gut!
Amu
Love your directness.. very hot too...
ReplyDelete@The Explorer:
ReplyDeletethanks for stopping by :-)
Love your writing style..
ReplyDelete