on being "outed" to the vanilla world

1.  It has always been tricky for me to write this blog while being in a relationship. For some reason my partners have always felt very unhappy with me writing about the kink and our sex life. 

In a way it is impossible for me to write about my kinky life and not about my partners, because it is so much linked together. I don`t play with strangers much. In the very few cases when I do just play, it is online only. 

The interactions that make me the happiest and that give me content for my blog are the interactions with my partner. He is the one that I am focused on. He is the one that I am thinking about, and he is the one that I am experiencing all sorts of kinky and/or sexual activity with.

Unfortunately my husband has made it very clear to me recently that he doesn`t want to appear in my blog anymore. His actual words were: "I didn`t consent to it."

Is it a fair assessment of him? I dont know. 

In a way I do understand that it can feel scary to know that I am blogging.

But: 

I was writing my blog already when I met him. He knew about my blog right from the beginning. He knew that I am writing about my love life. And he knew I write about us.

I  am telling you, his words  and his reproach of violating his consent triggered all sorts of bad feelings in me. I was so hurt about his position, within 5 min of having heard his reproach I deleted all posts that I wrote since knowing him.

Accusing me of violating his consent is a huge accusation. I dont even wanna be near it.

If you should have wondered why so many of my older post disappeared... this is the reason.

And no, it is not possible to retrieve these posts. 

It felt like he made me destroy a big part of my past. 

2. I do understand that a lot of submissive guys have a lot of fear of being "outed" as submissives. I would never out anybody. Ever. That´s just not how I roll. Plus: I really think there is nothing to "out" anyway. You like getting your ass spanked? So what? Enjoy it. So do I.

I am in the scene for years now. I have spoken/texted with so many submissive men, I have gotten my first ever spanking in my whole life from a submissive guy who wanted to let me know what it feels like, I have met people with all sorts of kinks and fetishes. And my conclusion is: there is really NOTHING we should be ashamed of. Nothing at all.

Nevertheless I dont talk with the vanilla world about anything we do. I am not on a mission to make this thing we do mainstream. Far from it. And I tell you why: Me personally, I like that we are such  an "elite" circle of like minded people.

A few days ago I received a personal email from a reader of this blog regarding my visa status. He happens to be an American lawyer and he gave me  very valuable insight and ideas and support on how to proceed. His email was super sweet and warm, and there were no strings attached at all.

I spoke with my shrink about this email, I had my phone with me and read her some of the text he had written. My shrink is female, super cool and open minded. When she heard the message she was deeply impressed and thrilled by the message. She told me she hadn`t gotten such a wonderful email ever :-) And me, I gotta tell you the truth, I am spoiled with great messages from great men. It is fair to say that some of the smartest brains of the USA are reading my blog. Why? I do not know. I just know they do :-)

The fact that we are such a hidden /elite circle of people allows me and my readers to be so open and honest and vulnerable with each other. We dont need to explain much to each other. We dont need to defend our cravings and our lust. It is pretty much impossible to just "stumble" about my blog. You need to be "in the scene" to find me. I sometimes tell vanilla friends that I am writing a blog, and sometimes I even say "sex blog", but I never give them the blog´s name.

3. A very good but vanilla friend who is going through a divorce right now asked me recently: "Hey, do you know what felife is?" I laughed and said: "sure I do, I even have a fetlife account." 

And he said: "well, give me your fetlife name  and I give you mine." I laughed again and said: "nope, you gotta find me. " (which is impossible because there is nothing on fetlife that is linked to my real persona. )

And a few minutes later I received an email with his fetlife name. He wrote: "Nothing human is alien to me. We live our relationship pretty openly"

I looked him up on fetlife and saw that his new girlfriend is in the scene for years, well established and with lots of friends there, while he is brand new. They call themselves master and slave, with HER being the slave and him being the master, of course *rolling my eyes. He even had posted  slave pics of her on his profile.

So basically she introduced him to the scene, but he´s not intrinsically feeling it. And he outed her to me.

I think no person who did what he did deserves to be called "master".

And honestly, I thought: man what an asshole he is. He´s got so much to learn still. You dont throw your sex life on people. And the only thing that would have really impressed me is if he had started a  F/m relationship with her and sent me the link to that. This would have taken guts indeed. :-)

So to all the submissive men out there who are reading this: you guys rock! 

4. Oh, and for the record:

Remember "James", who commented here on this blog in the past and sometimes wasn`t very much liked by some of you?

I wasn`t wrong. He is one of the good guys too. Life has thrown some stuff at him, I wish him very well,  and I apologize to him for not listening more carefully to what he had to say.