my father

It took me a while to write the following post. I apologize in advance if it is not interesting to you. I am using this blog mostly as a private journal. And I think it is about time that I finally write down some of the story about my dad. I am trying to find some closure and I think this post might help me.

My father was a very complicated man. He was charming, funny and sweet, but also manipulative, a liar and he could be very brutal. He once hired a guy to cut a woman's hair as punishment. And one time when I met him, I suddenly realized he had lost a finger. He had been in a fight with a client and the client had bitten of his finger.

All my live I wanted his love. He told me many times that he loved me, but I rarely felt it and his actions spoke otherwise.  

Looking back, I can see that my needs and my wishes never really mattered to him. He was too much focused on himself and too much focused on his own life, he just could not see me and my needs. He was too damaged. Or he just didnt give a shit.

At the time I was born, my father was a married man. And my mom was his mistress. 

I do have a half sister who is only 6 months younger than I am. It was complicated right from the beginning.

Over the years my father had 6 children from 4 different women. And all of the children had different approaches when it comes to dealing with dad. I have a sibling who fought against dad all his life. He is a drug addict now. One other sibling tried to not have any feelings involved when he interacted with dad. Another sibling ceased all contact with dad and moved in the Canadian wilderness.  We all tried to find our ways in dealing with dad. And my way was: I tried to support him and be there for him, and be nice to him, and be a good girl.

I grew up with my mom and her parents. I was very much loved by them.

When I was a kid, my father had the biggest and most successful brothel in a big german city. He was a living cliché. He made lots of money, drove Ferraris and 560 SEC Mercedes, and was wearing a huge Rolex watch. 

His wife was a prostitute and working for him.

I remember being a teenager and sleeping in one of the rooms with a whirlpool in the center and waking up and seeing myself in the huge mirror over the bed.

He never supported me financially. Even when my mom and I begged him for money, because money was so frigging tight, he just plainly refused to share his riches with us.

When I was 15 yo, my dad had a girlfriend my age. He was obsessed with her, and even got a tattoo with her name on his arm. He was over 50 yo at the time. The tattoo was so spectacular because it showed how crazy my father had fallen for that girl. He had been a sailor, a truck driver, a sales person, a pimp and he had never gotten a tattoo. And suddenly at the age of over 50 he gets a name of a girl on his arm?...

My father said some impressive things to me. One day, in regards to his young girlfriend, he said: "She got so much that you dont." And he said "I know she is bad for me, but she is so fucking good in bed."

It went ok with them for a while, but then the girl and my dad got in a huge fight and the police was called and the girl said my father had raped her.

He always denied the rape. And I believed him.

It came to a trial.

I was about 17 yo at the time and I was the only family member present at the trial. I was the only one who support my dad. 

When he was in prison, I was the one visiting him and paying him stuff with my own money.

We all felt like: once he gets out again, he will kill the girl. But the opposite was the case. As soon as he got out of prison, he contacted her, made up with her and they spent 60k Euro on vacation and fun.

I was completely uninteresting to him again.

A bit later he moved to Brazil, got 2 kids with a poor Brazilian woman, and when the money got tight for them, I was about 25 yo and in law school at the time, he called me and asked me to raise his two Brazilian kids in Germany for him. ... I declined to do that.

When I saw him the last time, I was about 35 yo  at the time, he asked me for money again. I told him: "I dont have any". And he replied: "Arent you a lawyer? If you are a lawyer and dont have any money by now, you will never make it in life."

I think the schema is: I was trying to please him and make him proud of me. But he was not interested in me. And all my efforts were in vain. Whatever I did, he always wanted more or something different. What I wanted and needed was never of any interest to him.