It feels like I reached the mountain top and I am asking myself: what now? Where do I go from here? What dreams do I still have? What do I wanna do with my future?
For years and years it has been my dream to be happily married. And moving to the USA has been my prime focus for the last 3 years. And now these 2 huge dreams have become reality and I feel like: What now?
My life is still pretty much a white canvas.
I dont feel much energy to focus on getting a job here in the USA. I am still pretty burned out from my German law firm. I am still working on German cases at the moment, but not as many as I used to do when I was living in Germany.
I love the life of a house wife. It feels wonderful. I cook daily and love it. I dread getting back to working in the business world. I am not ready yet for the fast paced American business world. And I dont have any idea what I could do to earn my money in the future. I guess there have to be companies and people out there who need somebody with exactly my set of skills, but I have no idea how to find these people/companies.
If any of you lawyers and law people out there, and I know there are many of you reading my blog, lol, have an idea for how I should proceed business wise, dont hesitate to drop me a friendly line.
I have been offered a side job that is very much out of my comfort zone. Not sure if I am gonna take it. I promised myself to never ever bring myself in a business situation where I am always stressed and nervous and scared to make a mistake.
I miss you guys and I miss interacting with you. I miss you a lot. I dont really have anything to say to you when it comes to the kink though. The only man in my life is my husband and he was very clear in saying: Leave me out of the blog.
It feels like I dont believe in ttwd anymore. It feels like a huge charade. It used to be such a huge part of my life in the last 10 years, but it seems like what I was looking for and dreaming about does not exist for me. I have even stopped watching porn.
I wanted the real domestic discipline deal. But I opted for love when I had to chose between dd and love.
Femdom German ? What man wouldn’t fall over and bow at your feet fraulein! Greetings from Australia
ReplyDeleteyes, lol, femdom and german, the ultimate jerk off fantasy. But it seems there is a huge difference between reality and fantasy. Maybe I am just too nice in real life.
DeleteYou would certainly get my attention if you were here in aust fraulein. ! Bows head
DeleteSuch a pain in the ass! (please don't get angry, this is a joke :-) )
ReplyDeletelol, yes indeed
DeleteYou made the right choice in choosing love over dd. I hope your husband can come around to seeing that you (probably) will be happier if you can have both. Some spouses will say, "It's not for me, but if you want to do it with others, it's okay with me."
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support.
DeleteYes, I agree, I think I made the right choice. It just feels weird to have no kink at all anymore.
The solution of finding the kink elsewhere did not have an appeal to me so far. I need to be emotionally connected to the man in order to enjoy the kink. I doubt that I have the emotional capacity and energy these days to divide my attention between two men. I did have a couple of online play things with wonderful men in the last years, but I dont even feel like reaching out to any of them.
Dear Ms. Tina; It sounds like you're somewhat adrift. Given the pandemic, you moving thousands of kilometres to a new country, to start a new marriage, it's perfectly understandable.
ReplyDeleteYou have excellent skills and training that I'm sure would be valuable to any number of companies and institutions. Given your fluency in German and English, I'm sure you'd be a major asset in the US offices of companies like Siemens, Bayer, Bosch, BASF, etc. Or maybe your local German consulate needs your talents. There's also teaching at community colleges.
I'm sorry that your dreams of a domestic discipline life have been dashed. Hopefully you can revisit the issue with your husband in the not-too-distant future and re-start that aspect of your relationship. If not, you'll be joining the thousands of us who cannot physically do what we so desire but must rely on our fantasies and the musings of others. You've given so many so much through your blog. Not just the obvious erotic thrills but also a sense that maybe we're not all that weird for wanting what we do. Please don't stop.
Be well.
Thank you FL. It feels good to have you on my side.
DeleteAlways.
DeleteYou have my email if you ever want to discuss anything.
Dear Tina:
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I have been in 3 long-term relationships, and I have craved spanking / domestic discipline all my life
In relationship 1 (10 years) we were too far apart. She really hated the idea, and so the relationship failed. (simplistic, but, I don't feel like writing a novel here)
In relationship 2 (3 years), partner 2 was totally ok with DD, but we didn't have enough else in common to make life work.
In relationship 3 (15 years and counting), my wife is ok with everything. It's not a real DD relationship right now, because it's hard to do that in our life: she is totally motivated by her career, and although she loves spanking me (etc), her career and our family is first. So it's slow in that dimension at the moment.
I have opted for relationship therapy early on in R2 and R3, after the fallout from R1. (We tried therapy there too but only after she had emotionally left the relationship.)
So: I highly recommend getting a good therapist, and talking through all your worries and concerns with the therapist. It can't hurt, and it will almost certainly help each of you know what the other wants, longterm (at the moment).
Finding a therapist is work: many are terrible, in my opinion. Tell them what you hope to do in your meetings right off the top, and you will get a good feeling for whether they are right for the 2 of you.
One good thing about the pandemic is that therapy is just as good remotely, so you can work with a good person from afar very easily.
Good luck! Don't sell yourself short
J
Thank you, J.
ReplyDeleteYour words mean a lot to me.
It's uplifting to hear words of encouragement. I am feeling sometimes pretty overwhelmed with my life and all its challenges.
I am already seeing a shrink, and I love it. She is a big help for me and navigates me through the storms of my life. I am very glad that I have her on my side. We talk each week and I always feel much better afterwards.
I would love to go to couples therapy, but I feel like there is no sense in even bringing it up. I am pretty sure my husband is not interested in doing it.
My problem is: I dont know any longer what our roles are. I mean: my husband wanted an equal relationship, I agreed to it. So I lost my "dominant position". I was ok with it. But it shows that I am just not a very assertive person in my private life. I dont enjoy bossing people around in a vanilla setting (e.e: I love a clean house, while my husband does not care.) I dont wanna nag either. So I do a lot of work myself. I keep quiet and just do it. I feel like the sub in a M/f relationship. I am a people pleaser. So I stay silent a lot of the time. Even though I want to say something so often. But in a vanilla setting, once I say something I have to argue, convince, explain and defend myself. I just dont have the energy to do that. DD was fun and easy and light . Now it's serious and complicated and difficult.
Life is a long time.
ReplyDeleteThings won't get better unless you talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. This may be hard to explain without some help from a professional counselor. You should tell him that you feel like you need couples therapy. Explain to him that going to couples therapy doesn't mean you are in trouble: it means you are committed to working things out.
I have been to couples therapy in all of my long-term relationships: I didn't want to go in the first one, and it ended badly. Then I went to try to pick up the pieces (but it was much too late). In the second one, we went early on, but we eventually realized that we just weren't right for one another. And in the third, we also went early on, and we worked through some difficult times, but we grew so happy together. The communication gained in the couples therapy was foundational.
So I encourage you to go to couples therapy too. It will help the two of you work out your long-term goals.
FWIW, my interest in DD has never gone away, at all. I think other people's experience is similar. You don't want to live a life of resentment. Work it out earlier rather than too late.
Hugs,
J
I have no information about the nature and scope of your legal practice. If it involved litigation within the EU as opposed to litigation within Germany you could find a home in a US-based German firm; or, alternately with a US law firm that litigates within the EU.
ReplyDeleteIf your practice includes intellectual property you might find a US IP firm that needs your language skills & legal knowledge.
The 1800-2000 billable hours/yr most US firms require associates meet is a term of employment that you may encounter. You should consider consulting a legal placement service if you pursue a position with a large law firm.
The US job market is in flux due to the misadventures of the last administration in regards to the Covid-19 pandemic, the economy, and retrenchment of the nation’s trade policies. It seems to me that a legally trained mind coupled with your language skills would be welcomed in any business that is doing business within the EU. The tech firms always need someone to proof manuals, engage in correspondence, and such other transactional work.
With a modicum of luck you might find a job that allows you to telecommute for some, or all, of your job duties. Don’t limit your search to entities within reasonable commuting distance when telecommuting is possible.
The most difficult part of your job search will be negotiating the salary & benefits package. If you find yourself being pressed for your salary history bear in mind that no US law requires you to provide that data. US employers will not release that information. It is important that you know the salary range for the position that you are seeking & the qualifications of the people holding that position. This is when legal placement services, headhunters, and networking can give you the data you need to properly value your services. Always keep in mind that the salaries of public sector workers is published.
Plaintiff’s employment discrimination counsel are usually listed by state & county bar associations. They are necessary when an employment contract is under consideration. You must not execute any employment contract unless your legal counsel has reviewed & approved that instrument.
Good luck job hunting.
Check out qualifying in NY or DC as a "special legal consultant"; this will allow you to advise law firms or lawyers here on anything involving German law or German business situations, etc. It's a way to get to know some lawyers and law firms. People will pass on your name by word of mouth in the profession.
ReplyDeleteSo sad! :( No FLR.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/6426087331601013155
ReplyDeleteOne's innate nature is permanent.