Letter to Wayne

Let me begin today's blog post with a comment I received. 

 You are so full of yourself!. Your arrogance is amazing. You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? They're a jerk off tool. You're a jerk off tool!. You are not as significant as you think you are. My God!

Wayne.

I have no idea who Wayne is. But I want to use this opportunity to give you all and him some insight in what is going on in my heart.

Wayne,

I wish I could tell you that I ignored your words, that they dont matter to me. But the truth is, when I received your comment I felt terrible. Your words did reach me and did hurt me a lot. 

You gotta understand: I am scared of men. 

Not in a vanilla setting, but when it comes to relationships.

For decades I had ignored the fact that I am a woman, and I walked through life as a human being only. I have totally supressed everything female in me. I went out with couples often, and it was always easy and without any problems, because the men didnt perceive me as woman and the women didnt perceive me as threat. I was totally and completely in the friend zone with litterally everybody I met. Being in the friend zone was just so much safer.

 I have learned early in my life that men are physically stronger than I am, and I have experienced the wrath of angry men. I had to learn that I dont stand a chance if a man actually wants to physically attack me. I have been yelled at countless times by a man I was in a relationship with. I have been emotionally abused by a man. I had a man yell at me from the top of his lungs: I will kill you!

I already wrote here on my blog about my father who was a pimp and treated women badly. He payed guys to punish women who had crossed him by forecfully cutting the womens hair. My father was in prison in Germany for raping his girlfriend. Back then I believed him when he said he didnt do it, but the more time passes and the clearer my head gets, the more I realize: Of course he did it.

From a legal point of view there is no doubt that he was guilty, because the woman was only 16 or 17 at the time, so she was not even able to legally consent.

I saw my step dad slapping my mom in the face.

My step dad once walked with my mom through Heidelberg, they passed a hotel and he said: "Look , wife,  that is the hotel where we spent the night at." My mom replied calmly: I have no idea who you spent the night with in that hotel, but it wasnt me.

I heard stories of my grandma, a nurse, taking care of my grandfather after he drunk so much that he needed medical attention.

Basically: Men not showing any respect to the women in their life has been a recurring theme in my life.

It is all pretty much fucked up. It sucks BIG TIME.

You say: You are so full of yourself!.

Yes, I am full of myself. Because I had to take care of myself. There was nobody else. I had to be the adult in the room when the real adults around me acted like little kids. I had to be there for my mom, because neither my dad nor my stepdad were there for her. I had to be strong for my family when the whole family system was overwhelmed by the death of my 6 months old brother. I  was there for my grandma when her husband died. I had to financially provide for all sorts of family members. I was with her when my beloved grandmother took her last breath.  I worked and took on so much responsibility that I almost collapsed under the pressure.

I honestly dont need a man in my life. I go for what I want myself. But that does not mean I am not craving the wonderfulness of a happy relationship with a man. There is a hurt little child in me , who longs for nothing more than being held and accepted and loved and cared for.

You say: "You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? "

Yes, sometimes they do. I cant change another persons life, obviously. But what I can do is sending out little impulses that guide him wherever his path leads him. It is like the little hurt girl in me connects with the hurt little boy in him. I sort of know intuitively what he is looking for. I mean it is not rocket science anyway, lol, most human beings search for connection, and validation. And it doesnt work with every man. 

Some guys are looking for stuff you describe. Like a quick jerk off phantasy. I totally get that. My father was like that. And all the clients who came to his brothel. I have seen more than enough of these men.

But such a guy is not the right fit for me anyway. Nothing bores me more than being a jerk off tool. This whole thing of getting tributes from men by them jerking off on a women's picture does NOTHING for me. 

You say: You are not as significant as you think you are. 

Actually I dont think I am very significant, I deal with self worth issues on a daily basis. I try to please people constantly, just because I think I have to, because I think I am not allowed to be just me, I doubt that me being me is ok and enough.

I stay firm in saying though that the submissive men who enter my life and who wrote lines for me did receive a lot from me. I gave them my undivided attention and my care. I totally tune in to them and what they might need or want.

I actually think, from the deepest bottom of my heart, that these guys are sent to me from the universe. They are here to help me to get back my trust in men again. By being submissive to me, they tell my inner child: dont be afraid of me. I am not like the other guys, I am not gonna hurt you. You are safe with me. They have helped me to heal so much over the years, And I totally see and appreciate what they are doing for me. And because what they are giving to me is so valuable to me, I make sure that I am reciprocating.

Tina 

why it is a privilege to write lines for me

Over the years a lot of men have wanted to write lines for me. That sounds pretty crazy, right? 

But I understand why they wanted to do that. We all know that there are not exactly many women out there who actually enjoy handing out and  receiving written lines.

However, only very few of the men who approached me did actually receive lines, let alone punishment lines, from me. I don't "play" when it comes to lines. They are too important to me. Not the lines, but what the lines stand for.

I really treasure the lines I receive. I still have the very first lines a man ever wrote to me. The line was "Tina does not like to be kept waiting." I had the man write that line 200 times, because, as you might have guessed, he made me wait and I did not like that :-)

When  I actually received these lines in the regular mail, years ago,  I felt like a kid on Christmas. I was overjoyed, and super happy. 

A few months later, when I actually met the man who had written these lines to me, he showed me a table in his room and said intimately: "Look, here is where I wrote the lines for you. " The lines were as important for him as they were for me.

When I moved to the US last year I pretty much got rid of all my possessions /belongings in Germany. I immigrated to the US with only one suitcase. But among all the important documents and papers that I brought with me, between law license, birth certificate and financial documents, I also brought the letter with the lines with me. That is how much I still treasure it.

From my point of view, if I "allow" a man to write lines for me, it shows that I think he is a great guy. I only invest my time in men who I think are worth my time and who deserve my time. Sure, the man has to invest much more time than me, lol, but make no mistake about it, I do invest a lot of thougths and energy in the man too.

If I have a guy write lines for me, I put a lot of thought in it. I dont want to give the man an impossible task, but I want to challenge him, and teach him a lesson, and give him that terrible but at the same time beautiful feeling in his stomach, that comes with the realization of: "She is in control now, I gotta do what she tells me to do, The thing is out of my power, I  just gotta obey."

I want him to actually learn something. About me, about himself, about life in general. I want to help him to grow. I feel like: the world is a hard and complicated enough place already. There is no sense in making life for each other even harder. I come from a standpoint of: we are all in it together. We are all doing best if we support and uplift each other. 

That is why I never hand out lines that degrade a person. I don't hand out lines that are meant to belittle the writer. I am following a guy on fetlife who had to write " I am a useless submissive, not even deserving the name "slave" ". I know, some peole get turned on a lot by having to write lines like that, but for me, it feels like: What message are you actually feeding your heart and brain with?  Can you imagine what  negative impact it might have on your psyche and on your general view of yourself if you write " I am useless" over and over and over again?

I might hand out lines like: " I better accept right away that I am a magnificent human being, full of talents, creativity and gifts." I see it as my mission in life to help other people see themselves with caring and loving eyes. It might be because my own inner self talk is so harsh and negative, I feel like: This crazyness has to stop. And because I am having troubles changing myself, lol, I set my intention on helping others to change,

For me, with the lines, it is never about the lines itself. It is always about making an impact on another person's life. It is about giving him a push in the right direction, it is about seeing himself through my eyes and helping him see what I see: namely a wonderful man who is trying his best in a challenging world.

I hand out lines to a man, for instance, if I see that he is working too hard and if I want to slow him down a bit. I want to give him a mental space to feel calm and centered again and to get away from the noise of the daily life. I give him an oportunity to connect with his true self again. All he has to do is focus on the task at hand and write the same sentence over and over again. And while he writes he can "enjoy" that certain feeling in his stomach, that tells him that for once he is out of control. His only job is to write the lines and write them neatly. 

Make no mistake about it, just because I am all nice and positive and uplifting, it doesn't mean I accept sloppy handwriting. The men who wrote for me know that. I am not hesitating to tell them to rewrite lines or the whole task, if I think he did a sloppy job.

There is a different side to line writing: I have seen men who use the line writing as an excuse to not thrive in real life. It is like writing the lines is a means for them to escape reality and to escape responsibility. They want to write more and more. They enjoy the kinky activity and the submissive feeling too much that comes with being told to sit down and write. If I see that happening I won't hand out one single line to that guy anymore. I dont see sense in actually wasting time. 

My lines and my line punishments all have an actual purpose. And the purpose is to help the man to let his light shine. (Because that is actually what I want for myself too.) If that pushes his submissive buttons: good for him, it's a win win. But if I see that all the guy is focusing on is getting his kinky buttons pushed and avoiding dealing with the real life stuff, I lose my interest in him right away.

I am in a very privileged position. I can pick and choose out of a huge pool of men who want to write for me. I have become great over the years in uncovering "reality avoiders". I am just not interested in them. 

I feel attracted to men who have a full and successful real life, who tend to work more than they "should", who really feel the pain/suffering of losing a few hours to writing lines for me. Men who can see that what I am giving to them and doing to them is much more than just telling them to write a few lines. Because what I am actually doing is caring about them.

what turns me on

First of all: Let me thank all of you who (in various forms) reached out to me in the last weeks. It was wonderful to receive so much love and support. I had been struggeling a lot and your support means very much to me.

I have somewhat stabilized, am feeling better and look a bit more optimistic into the future again. I am still seeing a shrink and she is still helping me a lot. 

I had a skin cancer scare, but thankfully the biopsy results were good.

Secondly:  My bar exam preparation is going well. I am studying and trying to get the law into my brain. The exam will be remotely held on 7/27/2021 and 7/28/2021. I am not taking a bar prep course, but am studying alone.

Thirdly:  I want to thank all of you who bought and read the "female led relationship" story on kindle. In case you missed it, here is the link again. A female led relationship. It was written at the time when I still worked on my legal thesis and is pretty personal.

 Last but not least: I did have some time to reflect about kink and the way I see things. Here are my latest findings:

What turns me on when it comes to F/M kink, loving female relationships and domestic discipline

The sight/sound of a man sobbing?

Absolutely yes. 

I still remember a day when a boyfriend had messed up BIG TIME and we had a conversation about it the next day and he started crying and apologizing to me and promising to do better in the future. I remember it as if it was today. We were sitting in the restaurant in a corner booth and he was sobbing, tears were running down his face and he was as vulnerable as I had rarely seen him.

I believed  him. I knew he was sorry. But I also felt justified in being angry at him and being no nonsense and setting my boundaries. 

The boyfriend wanted me to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible, and we rarely spoke about it ever again But secretly, in the hidden parts of my heart and brain, I know that his ability to be vulnerable around me and his ability apologize to me, and  to cry in front of me, was  a very deceisive factor for me to staying in the relationship with him. 

He felt embarrassed afterwards, and I didnt want to make it any harder for him, thats why I rarely ever brought it up again. But I am still thinking of this day very very often.

Hearing, and ignoring, please for mercy?

Hell yes, that is super hot.

The men that I am attracted to, they are all strong and independent men in real life. They know how to take care of themselves and they know how to fight their own fights. The fact that they submit to me, and that they let me decide how we are gonna proceed and/or how long an activity will last, is IMHO a huge sign of trust in me. 

Of course they want me to end whatever it is we might be doing. That's part of the power exchange, part of giving up the power. The more they want me to stop and the harder it gets for them to keep doing what they are doing, the more I enjoy it. I feel respected and seen and special and I get a feeling of: Finally I can have it my way.

For it to be hot for me, it has to be consensual though. If consensuality is lacking, the whole scenario turns from hot and sexy kink to disgusting abuse.

In my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it, whatever it is I might be doing. And there were momensts when a guy had told me: "I am sorry, I am just not in the right frame of mind, can we please stop here". And we did. We ended whatever we were doing right away. But the appeal is in him CHOOSING to stay in the situation and CHOOSING to suffer for me. The please for mercy are a welcome indicator of what is going on inside of his head.  And it is super hot for me to say: No, we are not stopping.

In my anecdotal experience, I tend to attract men who are having a hard time expressing their feelings in words. And being given a safe environment where it is ok for them to cry and let their guards down has always been very much appreciated by my partners.

The look of terror in a man's eyes

I would never inflict real terror. 

However, within the parameters of a consesnual power exchange relationship, I love the look in a man's eyes if he realizes what I want him to do. I love the internal battle that is about to start in him. I love the way he is trying to find  a way to get out of the situation, and I love the moment he accepts that I am in charge and that - because I am in control now- I can decide what's gonna happen next.

In the way I see things, it takes balls for the man to submit to me. It is difficult to just let go and trust another human being. And I respect my partners for generaly being willing to do just that with me. 

I do understand that it is difficult to give up power and control. It is hard to do things they really preferred not to do. But I also know that in submittig to me and doing/enduring the hard things, I am offering my partners an opportunity to release tension and pent up stress and anger and suppressed feelings.

The men who enter my life know that I will always look out for them. But that doesn't mean I am not also willing to enjoy their predicament when I am asking really difficult things from them. :-)