Thank you, Tommy

Sometimes in life, help comes from unexpected places.

The last year was just terrible for me. Looking back at the last 12 months, I can see clearly that I was pretty much traumatized by the loss of my grandma and the end of my relationship. Within a very very short time span I had lost two of the most important people of my life. And I still miss both of them enormously.

I gained about 15 kg in the last year. I literally stopped moving. I did not want to move, walk or exercise anymore because it felt like withdrawing myself from the world was the only thing I could do in order to SOMEHOW survive.

I functioned. I worked, I slept, I ate.  Nothing more.

Sure, I tried to keep my spirit up, I did endless hours of emotional and internal work. I meditated and pondered and reflected and I tried to move on, I tried to "get over it", but I just did not have any energy left. At all. And the longer that state lasted, the more depressed, sad and fearful I became.

I somehow got in contact with a man in the UK. Let´s call him "Tommy". We exchanged a few emails back and forth and we both felt, that there is some good chemistry between us.

We liked each other, but we realized pretty soon that there is just  no compatibility between our sexual interests. When I tried to be a bit domme-y, he felt I was patronizing him in an off turning way. Basically: He was not interested in the things I sexually like and do. And I was not interested in the things he sexually likes and does.

On a heart to heart level though, we liked each other a lot.

Tommy was in a  difficult situation in his life too, and the lawyer and helper and supporter in me offered to help him. My thinking went along the lines of: "My life at this point totally sucks. I see no help for myself at all. Me, I am a helpless case. So let´s give my life at least a bit of a meaning by helping him sort out his mess."

I might sound arrogant here, but as soon as I had heard of the mess he is in I immediately had a clear picture in my mind of what he had to do now and how he had to proceed. My analytical lawyer mind had taken over and I just KNEW what he had to do in order to make things much easier for himself in his current situation.

I tried to outline my plan for him, explain to him the next steps...

...and the whole thing blew in my face.

 I had told him: "I need to ask you millions of questions." And he misinterpreted it. He thought I was trying to be nosy, trying to get explanations from him, explanations that he did not have himself, whereas I wanted to ask guiding questions in order to GIVE him explanations for things I intuitively clearly understood.

I was offering him way way way too much. At a way too early point of time. 

And he probably could not understand my motives for doing it. I never explained him my motives, but I think they were:

I wanted to send something good into the world.

I wanted to believe that the world is a good and safe place to live in.

I needed to convince myself that things can end well.

I needed to convince myself that it makes sense to trust other people and to trust in other people.

I wanted to make a clear argument for one of my fundamental believes: we are all connected. And the less one of us has to suffer, the better it is for the others as well.

In helping him, I wanted to help myself.

I understood that Tommy and I came from different places, different backgrounds,  but I instinctively knew for a fact that him and I meeting in the world wide web was not a coincidence at all. I felt very clearly that I had attracted him into my life. That there was a message in us meeting at this point of time. And I was not willing to let him go without getting some answers from the universe through him.

And so the battle began.

Two dominant people getting in a constant battle of wills. 

We were behaving exactly like that couple:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0

We could not live with each other and we could not live without each other. We were emotionally very close, and within seconds one of us could feel hurt and hugely threatened by the other. As soon as one of us was finally emotionally too exhausted, drained and "gave up" and wanted to end the thing we were having, the other did all he/she could, to make him/her stay.

At one point he told me that in the short time with me he has argued more than in 20 years of marriage with his ex-wife.

But I just was not willing to let him go. I had this very strong feeling in my gut, that there is somewhere a hidden message for me. And I did indeed enjoy the interaction with him. He made me question my whole thinking. He challenged my believes in a big way.

After a while of unintentionally hurting each other, trying to end the thing, making up again, getting along with each other and hurting each other again, I told him that I want us to end the thing by writing each other a short message and telling the other, what each of us enjoyed and liked and learned from the other. I started by sending him a friendly email, thanking him  and wishing him well.

And he replied by saying: "I am not sure I can send you such a message. I feel completely drained. I don't know any longer what I feel and what I dont feel."

This - of course, lol- led to me feeling hurt again.

And I started to believe that maybe I was wrong in thinking there is meaning between the two of us meeting. As soon as I was wavering though, he was standing tall again and fought for us. :-)

After many of these ups and downs, him and I finally managed to have a wonderful conversation in which we both agreed that we are just not compatible. Regardless of our mutual wish to make it happen, our sexual needs just don't match. Nothing we can do about it. And during that conversation I learned one important lesson from him. He more or less said to me:

"Baby, as much as I like you, I am not willing to compromise as far as my sexuality is concerned. There is no sense for both of us in compromising here. We will only both end up bitter and unsatisfied. And we both deserve better. We both deserve to have our needs met."

His words had an enormous impact on me. I admired him hugely for his courage to go for his dreams and not settle for anything less. I am having problems finding the words to explain how much his words impressed me. Basically:  As soon as I heard him say that, as soon as I realized that he is courageous enough to stick to his dreams, even though the outer circumstances were very unfavorable for him,  I understood that THIS is the message I have been waiting for. I understood that this was a message from the universe guided in my direction. And I knew with certainty that I should not compromise either. Not with him, nor with any other guy. I deserve to have my needs met.

I understood the message and some sort of deep peace came over me. I finally had my hidden message.  J

Following up that conversation there was some amicable banter going on between us. I said some nice things to him, he said some nice things to me, and suddenly, for me absolutely unexpected, he apologized to me in a direct and straight forward manner. He said something along the line of: „I am so sorry. I know I was pretty mean to you sometimes“.

I had not expected his apology at all. I had not been waiting for an apology, frankly: I had not even thought that I deserved an apology from him. It came as a total surprise to me. And the fact that he gave me that apology was absolutely mind blowing. It meant so much to me. It helped me to regain trust in my gut feeling re men. It helped me to belive again that people  are actually good. It helped me to be more lenient with myself. It helped me to find some value in myself again.

We parted amicably. I think he was a bit confused about the intensity and the depth oft he thing we were having. For me though, meeting him was a gift from the universe. I had wanted to make it all about him. I had wanted to help him in his situation. And in the end I think it was all about me. I ended up as the one receiving  a wonderful gift from him and through him.

heart, mind and ass ;-)

Very strange days here. Three men who were really important to me ended all contact with me within a very short range of time. I am playing the same plot over and over in my life.

The plot goes like this: Find a man, open him up, make sure that he is as awesome as he seems to be, open yourself up to him, trust that he is strong enough and willing to catch you if you fall, show him your weaknesses, let him know that you think he is awesome and that you want more. Accept that he is leaving you. Grrrrrrrr....

1. You know the endless "former- boyfriend- saga". No need to go into it again. But the gist of it is: he had given me his heart but he ended the relationship without giving me a chance to have any say in it.

2. I did not blog about it, but there was a guy who I had contact with on and off for a very long time.  I considered him to be a real friend. He wanted to meet me to do some kinky things to him.

I never met him, because I had a boyfriend. Now, with the boyfriend gone, the time seemed right for me to finally meet him. And : no reply from him whatsoever. He had opened up to me in many many ways, but he ended the friendship without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

3. The new kid on the blog: A wonderful guy. Sensitive, smart, warm...all good. We were in really close contact in the last weeks. And two days ago, he ended our contact. When I tried to add something, to explain something, he literally said: "it is enough now. maybe later more".

So, the new kid as well, he had opened up to me in huge ways, but he ended our contact without even giving me a chance to have any say in it.

Oh and btw. I am pretty sure that neither of the 3 is reading this blog anymore. They literally live on different continents, all of them, but - judging from their behavior- I guess they all had enough "Tina" for the rest of their lives ;-)

The men end it and all I can do is to just suck it up and accept it.

And I am forced to learn the same lesson over and over again: 

give him space to breath!, let him have his peace!, don`t push for it!, don`t overwhelm him!,  learn to let go! 

I am self critical enough to see the pattern. The men are not the problem. They are in fact wonderful. 

Me, though, I seem to do something wrong. It is no coincidence that 3 totally different men, with 3 totally different backgrounds, show the very same pattern in regards to me and my behavior. 

I obviously need to adjust my vibration a bit. I need to focus much more on what I want and what I am looking for.

So, let me make absolutely clear to you, to the universe and to myself, lol, what I am trying to find:

I want a man who

• WANTS to stay with me. 
• accepts that I want to talk about emotions and feelings endlessly.
• is willing to live in a domestic discipline relationship with me.
• accepts that I can be unbelievably loud and colorful and superficial.
• is open to my never ending creative ideas.
• allows me to love and care for him.
• likes being pampered.
• is willing to submit to my leadership.
• loves me enough to suffer for me when I want him to.
• sees my dominant attitude for what it is: one facet of my personality only. I have been told I am actually a big softie inside.
• is willing to let me admire him.
• is older, smarter and more experienced in life than I am.
• loves to give and to receive hours long massages.
• is able to deal with receiving countless emails and messages and phone calls from me.
• I can look up to.
• trusts me enough to do what I want him to do even though he probably does not always understand yet what I am up to.
• is willing to let me comfort and caress him endlessly, especially after a spanking.
• wants me to have his heart, mind and ass ;-)

I want a man who is willing to LET me love him. For me, loving is always much easier than being loved.

Gute Nacht! /Good Night!

I have shared quite a lot of the circumstances around my break up with my boyfriend. My wonderful former boyfriend, the man I still love today. The awesome thing with love is: one can love without being loved back. So it is my prerogative to still love him, even though my love is not reciprocated anymore.  

It took me endlessly to understand what was going on in regard to the break-up. And my former partner was no help in my "trying to understand "-process. Over the Christmas holidays though I was able to have some time for myself and some time to emotionally process things.

And something wonderful happened: I found some peace of mind. A guy "showed up", out of the blue, and he - over and over and very patiently- answered all my existing questions in regard to my relationship break up. The name of the guy is: Franz. And this is actually his real name. No alias needed here :-)

The stats of this blog tell that most of my readers are from the US. So most of you won`t be really familiar with old german/austrian music. So, let me introduce you to one of the great austrian composers: Franz Schubert (1797 -1828) :-)

Schubert wrote wonderful music. He is famous for piano accompanied songs and one piece of music that has been of tremendous help for me and my heart is called: "Good Night". It is the first song of "Winterreise" / winter journey. And winter journey is the most famous romantic song cycle ever written. 

Ian Bostridge, a world class singer, has just published a full book on winter journey. And if you are in a position to spend a few bucks, I highly recommend buying that book. 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Schuberts-Winter-Journey-Anatomy-Obsession/dp/0571282806  

Bostridge points out in his book that in Winterreise:

 “We are drawn in by an obsessively confessional soul, apparently an emotional exhibitionist who won’t give us the facts; but this allows us to supply the facts of our own lives, and make him our mirror.” 

Here is a video of the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9OysEmbDfE

And here is the text:
I came a stranger, Fremd bin ich eingezogen,
I depart a stranger. Fremd zieh' ich wieder aus. Mai was good to me Der Mai war mir gewogen With many a bunch of flowers. Mit manchem Blumenstrauß. The girl, she talked of love, Das Mädchen sprach von Liebe, The mother even of marriage, - Die Mutter gar von Eh', - Now, the world is so gloomy, Nun ist die Welt so trübe, The path covered in snow. Der Weg gehüllt in Schnee.
I cannot chose the time Ich kann zu meiner Reisen
of my journey, Nicht wählen mit der Zeit, I must find my own way Muß selbst den Weg mir weisen In this darkness. In dieser Dunkelheit. The moon casts a shadow – Es zieht ein Mondenschatten My only travel companion, Als mein Gefährte mit, And on the white meadows Und auf den weißen Matten I look for tracks of deer Such' ich des Wildes Tritt.


Why should I hang around any longer Was soll ich länger weilen, waiting for someone to throw me out? Daß man mich trieb hinaus ? Let stray dogs howl Laß irre Hunde heulen In front of their master’s house; Vor ihres Herren Haus; Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern - God made it that way! Gott hat sie so gemacht. From one to the other -  Von einem zu dem andern -
God made it that way. Gott hat sie so gemacht -
Love likes to wander – Die Liebe liebt das Wandern  Good night, then, my love! Fein Liebchen, gute Nacht !
I will not disrupt your dream, Will dich im Traum nicht stören, It would only trouble your tranquility, Wär schad' um deine Ruh'. You shall not hear my step, Sollst meinen Tritt nicht hören - Softly, softly the door closes. Sacht, sacht die Türe zu ! I write on the gate as I go by: Schreib im Vorübergehen Good night. Ans Tor dir: Gute Nacht, So that you may know Damit du mögest sehen, I have thought of you. An dich hab' ich gedacht.

I listened to "good night" for about 372 times in the last weeks :-) And the more I listened the more I realized: All is well.

I guess you guys remember vividly how urgently I wanted my boyfriend to send me a "good bye"-email. I whined on my blog about him not doing it for MONTHS.

The song "Gute Nacht" made me realize that I actually do have a right to ask for such a note. Schubert understood this. Even the guy in the song left a short note :-) And when my boyfriend contacted me again a while back, I took that email for what it was: a note to say: "I have thought of you. " This made me feel much better.

I understood: He just had to go. He is trying to find his own way.

I apologize to all of you who read so far and are still waiting for some domestic discipline content :-)

I promise, my next post will have kink in it :-)

domestic discipline to my liking

Here is another awesome domestic discipline clip!

I have written about this couple and their awesome video clips already, but this new video clip is just too good to not comment extensively on it.

I am lacking words to describe how much this clip turns me on. There is sooooo much in it, I do not even know where to start. So I will focus on the first 2 minutes of the clip.

I have been asked recently by a domestic discipline newbie: "are you really strong? I mean, what if I start to fight back once I am over your knees?"

(Btw: I finally DID end it with my boyfriend. Or better: I finally accepted that he is not longer interested in me. I released him, told him he is free again. So now I am free again too. Feels very strange though. Very unfamiliar. As soon as I had understood that he really does not want it/me anymore, I was able to let him go. I was always only interested in seeing him happy, and if I can't add to his happiness anymore, there is no sense in "forcing" myself into his life. DD is to 100% dependent on the partners being in it willingly, voluntarily, out of their own will. If he is not in it freely anymore, I understand that it is my responsibility to respect his feelings and withdraw myself immediately. And I did.)

So the new kid on the block/ blog asked me: "What if I was over your knees and what if I - for instance out of reflex, or triggered by old wounds -  started to fight back?  I am almost 190 cm tall" 

And I explained to him what this video clip shows in a wonderful way: if there is real loving domestic discipline going on, the physical size of both the man and the woman does not matter at all. The power exchange does not happen due to real physical power, but the power exchange happens mentally and emotionally.

The man has to give up control and power freely. The man can be -like the guy in the video- a tough former marine and the woman can be petite and still she can discipline him in a way that he will reach his emotional limits. There is no bondage needed. Part of the beauty and depth of domestic discipline comes from the fact that the man COULD always end it immediately, but CHOOSES not to end it.

The video starts with a wonderful, rarely to be seen, camera angle. Right in the guys face. He is sitting, the woman is standing and from the beginning there is no question  AT ALL who is in control here.

She starts to scold him and she is almost immediately reaching him emotionally. His body language is  just cute. Already at 0:25 is he touching his face/cheek with his hand without any obvious reason. It seems as if he is trying to sooth himself. And at 0:50 he is looking down, clearly avoiding her look.  I love how she gently touches his shoulder around 1:00 and his defeated look when she mentiones the  word "spanking".

He is trying to "safe his dignity" by making jokes, but she does not play along with his playful remarks and stays serious. It is so hot to see when he instinctively closes his eyes for a moment, when she tells him he is gonna get a "hard spanking" (1.23). For the first full 2 minutes of the video, she is  basically calmly but sternly telling him, that he will get spanked.

He has all the time of the world to tell her: NO. But he does not do it. He just accepts her authority and submits to whatever she intends to do. She eventually sits down, he is standing, and - without even saying it explicitly, - she orders him over her knees. 

He obeys and the real spanking can start. For me though, the prelude itself was one of the biggest turn ons I have seen in a long time.

Domestic discipline as good as it can be

I recently saw this domestic discipline video clip and I really liked it. I liked it a lot! It is always difficult to explain sexual fantasies and sexual turn-ons. This clip however shows exactly what I enjoy.  It is very rarely only that I find a F/m video online that represents the kind of thing I am into. This video clip though is one of the most realistic domestic discipline clips I have seen in a very long time.

I love the warmth and the closeness that the couple is radiating. No leather and latex and /or other fetish equipment needed. Just two people sorting things out between them in a loving and caring way. 

I love that she gives him a scolding before she spanks him and even after the spanking. I had to literally laugh out loud when she gave him a telling-off, told him that there is more that she wants to "discuss" and he briefly covered his face with his hands. (Around 07:30). It could be seen that she was reaching him emotionally and you never see things like that in purely commercial femdom videos. I googled the couple and alledgedly they are professionel spanking actors, but they are also a "spanking couple" in their private life.

I like how he is making jokes in the beginning, trying to lighten up the situation, and nevertheless accepting her authority. I think it is nice to see how she is trying to be stern and still radiats a bit of insecurity in the beginning. 

I think it is awesome that she makes him talk, that she makes him say that she deserves a better attitude from him. I love how she gently strokes with her fingers through his hair, how she tells him "I have been doing overtime kissing your ass".

The spanking seems real, not a "woman pretending to spank a man so he gets turned on by it"-thing. She wants him to learn a lesson and the insecurity that she showed in the beginning is gone when she smacks his butt. She knows she is right, and he knows it too.

I love that she tells him at the end to ponder for a while. We women, we ponder all the time, lol. How to improve the relationship, how to be better girlfriends, how to be less needy, how to give more, how to take less etc etc etc.

And the kneeling she makes him do at the very end, that is definitely not something he is enjoying either.  But he is doing it for her, because she wants him to, because she said so. And this is one of the sweetest things a guy can do :-)

And here is part 2.

At last!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxNgE1ZZLn8

No marriage, lol, but he relented and we are in contact again.

I am very happy.

I love him more than ever.

saints and whores?

In my life, speaking with submissive men, I hear quite often statements like:

"I cannot unite all parts of my personality in the relationship with one woman. I would love to, but I just CANNOT. My kink and my vanilla/real life are just not compatible, I want You to be my domme / mistress, I want You to see my submissive side  but my wife will see my public/ strong / domiant / alpha male side only." And the next thing I hear is: "I never feel good about these separate faces/layers of myself."

And I usually think: what? What are you talking about? I don´t even know where to start with my summation. 

First of all: my mom would agree with these submissive men. Since I was a little child I heard her sermons of: "A wife is a wife and a mistress is a mistress. It is impossible to be both. You cannot be the saint and the whore for a man at the same time, yada yada yada." But, despite popular believe, moms (and men) are not always right ;-)

For me, this concept of separation between two extremes was always strange. I never needed it in my life. I grew up knowing both sides. The "light" and the "dark", the vanilla and the kink world, and I learned to love both sides. And I still don't fully understand why people chose to make a distinction like that. 

The whole "no contact"-thing with my man is so strange now, because we were really close. I might be wrong here but I do believe I was able to be the saint AND the whore for him. And I liked both parts very much. It was fun doing all the kinky things with him and I remember one time when I accompanied him to the airport and still had his cum in my face from a blow job I had given him earlier that night... And being the saint, well that was very fulfilling for me too. I liked to take care of him, I enjoyed it immensely to go to church with him, I loved to pamper him, to be there for him.

For me, these two extremes don't really exist. It is probably because I know enough people from both sides and I know enough about each of them to understand that the "saints" are not only saints but also sinners and that the "whores" are not only whores but also loving and caring and dedicated women. In my life, I can easily take on whatever role I want to. I got many facets and I love them all. I am active in a somewhat fundamentalistic christian church, I am representing criminals in court and I am definitely into domestic discipline, spankings, power play and bdsm. 

Many of the readers of this blog are surprised by the amount of stubbornness I show related to the topic of "not wanting to face reality/not wanting to accept that it`s over with the man" . The thing is, and btw. this surprises me too, lol, I do think indeed that I am the right woman for my man. He won't easily find a better woman than me . Don`t get me wrong, he won't have any problems finding a new girlfriend. He is a hot guy and women dig him. But I do think that he is making a mistake by throwing me out of his life. And my maternal instinct is taking over saying: no, don`t do that!

It is very interesting that he is not making a move at all at the moment. Believe me, I have put him under emotional pressure in the last weeks. And it would have cost him 2 min to send me an email, saying in more or less polite words: "leave me alone". But he did not do that. There is this saying: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that `s when I really need it". And I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has never done anything at all to harm me. I don`t know what he is up to at the moment, but I know he is not interested in hurting me. I lead my life according to the believe of "the woman who loves you will never leave you because even if there are hundred reasons to give up, she will find one reason to hold on..."

So, to all the men out there who don`t dare to talk with the women in their lives about their needs: Show some trust. After 300 000 hits on this little blog, and getting countless emails and comments, I have  a pretty good picture of the men who are reading this blog. And the one thing you all have in common is: You are smart. You do understand how awesome a mind fuck can be and you do understand that the brain is super relevant for all things related to sexuality. It is very unlikely that you chose a dumb woman to be your wife. And if she is smart, she will understand your needs. Not sure if she is gonna share your needs, but if she is a saint, lol, she will at least try to please you ;-)

I am willing to suffer for your pleasure

A lot has been written about the pleasures of being in a domestic discipline relationship. I doubt that I need to talk about the benefits for the men, especially the alpha men, and why a man would want to live in such a relationship.

Only few posts/articles are dedicated to the women and why they would want to live that lifestyle. Sometimes, on their quest to convince their partner/wife to give a domestic discipline relationship a try, men summarize all the aspects that - in their opinion - are suitable to assure the women of engaging in that special lifestyle. 

One of the reasons I sometimes hear/read from men in that context is:

It is good for the woman because "it makes me a better man/husband/boyfriend".

For me, personally, that argument does not kick in at all. In my opinion there is not much substance to that argument.

Before I enter a relationship with a man, I make sure that he is a good man. I check his qualities right from the start and I have no intention to change him and /or "make him better". If he is not a good man he will not be chosen to become my man/husband/boyfriend. And once I chose him to be my boyfriend, I promise to myself to treat him well and to not hurt him and I expect to be treated well by him and not being hurt by him. This is nothing spectacular, just two grown ups treating each other with respect and care.

For me, the pleasure of being the leader in a domestic discipline relationship is based on the fact that I can outlive parts of my personality that I usually hide. DD allows me to go for my needs and my lust and my wishes, without needing to have negotiations with my partner first. Without asking for his consent first. Without having to carry the burden of taking care of his needs too.

In my life, both in private life and in my job, I am constantly busy trying to make other people happy. Helping people, supporting people, fighting for people and comfortig people is what I do all day long. Sometimes I gain a bit of fulfillment by doing it, but most of the time it is just tiresome. I am good at what I do, don`t get me wrong, but my life is dominated by constantly being at the service for other people/clients. I sometimes feel like a mercenary. I fight battles for other people.

I do have in fact the possibility to organize my time pretty freely, but on the other hand I am feeling very much other- directed.

I am trained from early age on to pay attention to other peoples needs. I am very generous, both emotionally, financially and with my time. You need something from me? Chances are very good you will get it. 

And: I am very good at empathizing. 

(Btw: 

this is one of the reasons why the current situation with my man is really getting under my skin. To me it looks like: I must have been doing something terribly wrong. I obviously did not see at all what he needed, I let him down to such an extent that he cannot even talk with me now anymore. My instinct is to please him, but at this point of time I do not even know what he wants me to do. What would please him?  Am I expected to fight for him? To wait for him? To give him space? To leave him alone? To fully disappear out of his life for eternity? If only I knew what he wanted, I would give it to him in a heartbeat. 

The fact that I am too stupid to understand what it is he wants pretty much paralyzes me. It hits me in the very core of my being. )

A dd relationship is like a safe haven to me. A place where I can flee to, where I feel security, a place where I can allow myself to take care of my own needs. A place where I allow myself to put my needs first. To me, having control is a turn on. No doubt about that. But the real turn ons in a domestic relationship for me are:

The silent trust that the man is putting in me. When he obeys my demands and when he is freely accepting my authority he is pretty much telling me: 

I trust you. I trust your leadership. I trust that you have thought it all trough. Even if I dont like what you want me to do, or if I dont understand why you want it, I will obey. I will do it because you want it. I am willing to suffer for your pleasure.

anger

Still no message from him at all. I am enormously confused by his silence.

Anyway, I only got two choices at the moment: 

being happy without him or being unhappy without him.

I am a loyal friend, and a loyal girlfriend. As long as my man does not explicitly tell me that he wants me to fuck off, I don't believe it. There is just too much that we shared and lived through together. I cannot believe that he gave so much to me and that this all means nothing anymore now. So I still feel very much that we belong together. And I don't want to cheat on him. 

On the other hand: reality check little Tina, he has been quiet for a long time now...

So, it feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want him. There is nothing I want more than to fly to him and spend Thanksgiving with him. I miss him. Not a day goes by without me wishing I could talk to him and see him and hold him in my arms. But he obviously does not want all that.

my grandma passed away, my man refuses to talk to me and I started to feel emotionally dead myself.

So, in my search for happiness I revitalized my online kink life.

Over the years I did quite a lot of online kink stuff. And a couple of days ago I had the first session again in a very long time. It was an awesome session with a tough soldier.  It was almost therapeutic for me. I do know the soldier for years, he knows that I don`t love him and I know that he does not love me either. There is no love between us, just a mutual understanding and respect. 

I figured he is the perfect "playmate" for some fun. He suddenly showed up again out of nowhere and he pretty much lives at the other end of the world. The outer circumstances where quite perfect for me to engage in some domme activity with him.

He is a tough guy, all muscles, tall, intimidating, a fighter, and dommeing him was quite an experience.

It was the hardest Skype session I ever experienced. The whole thing was focused on his physical pain. I made him kneel on rice, hands behind his head and he kneeled there almost endlessly.

I tongue lashed him and played with his mind and made him edge himself and made him do pushups for me. And due to the fact that he is so tough, I dared to actually play really hard. Harder than I usually play. The knowledge that he has experienced worse stuff in real life, that I won`t accidentally hurt him, gave me safety. I used him as a whipping boy. I could for once outlive all the frustration and the pain that has accumulated in my body and in my heart over the last months.

And I learned that I am really angry. I am angry at myself for creating such a fucked up situation with my man. I am angry for wasting my life waiting for something that most likely won't happen. I am angry for not being able to allow love in my life.