the answer

I got my answer.

I called him and he rejected my call.

No words needed to understand that message. It´s the same meaning in both the English and the German language.

I just had a huge proxy fight/argument with my brother about it. My brother is an actor, a very good looking womanizer and he is always surrounded by beautiful girls who adore and admire him. I know that he has done this "just disappearing and going into no contact"-thing with quite a few girls.

I asked him why he had done it and his reply was: "I just did not want to talk, I just did not feel like saying good bye to her in a decent way."

My brother told me in very clear words that I am an idiot for pining for my man and that I should delete the emails and burn his pictures in the garden. He says that my/the man was sending a very clear message by rejecting my call. 

What both of them don`t understand is:

I need a decent good bye from him in order to be able to move on.

For me, it is very hard to find closure without it.

What we had was very special. In many aspects. The time with him was without a doubt the best time in my life. I still trust this man with my life and he actually has proven many times that he trusts me more than anybody else. And I am still pretty sure that he would throw himself in front of a car for me in order to safe me from harm.

I do understand that our paths are separating now, and I understand that he is not interested in an emotional, dramatic, "why are you leaving me"-scene :-) I do not even want an explanation for the break up. I do have a pretty good idea now why he left. What I wanted is a big picture talk/text exchange along the line of:

Thanks for being a part of my life in the last years.

I wish you well.

Have a nice life.

Sending me an email or text message like this takes about 2 minutes.

And I will NEVER understand why he did not do it.

short update

Judging from the high numbers of visitors that my blog had over the last two weeks, quite a few of you are eager to hear how things with me and my boyfriend evolved. Well, lol, your wish is my command, here is the latest news.

He did not contact me yet. I have not spoken with him nor exchanged emails with him. I contacted him a few times but he did not reply back.

It is a strange situation. I miss him enormously. I would  love to fly to him and do wonderful kinky , hot and domestic discipline things with him. And I miss his intellectual input, his 2 cents in both my business life and my private life. Despite having a long distance relationship he has been very present in my life in the last years. We were very close emotionally. The long distance made it probably even easier for both of us to allow emotional closeness. And the "no contact" that we are having now is a HUGE change.

A few days ago I stumbled over a pair of his socks in my room and I ended up holding the socks in my hand and dreaming of him for a long time.  Basically: whatever I do, everything reminds me of him.

But I learned a lot in the last weeks. 

I am asking myself a lot of very interesting questions:

what is my part in the situation? Where do I resonate with the miscommunication? Why and how did I create that conflict? What do I need to learn? Where have I wronged him? What am I afraid of? What do I fear? Do I really allow and accept the love in my life that he offered?

I will spare you from reading the answers to these very personal questions. It´s not really interesting for you anyway. 

My point is only: 

I am responsible for my life. 

As nice as it might sound to blame him for me being unhappy about the "no contact", I do have a huge part in the current situation too. I cornered him with my marriage-ultimatum. And I am sure he was not pleased with me doing it. I am pretty sure though that the main reproach he is secretly harbouring against me is based on something else. He did not openly say it, but I understood that something I did made him feel very uncomfortable. I am intentionally staying very vague here. No need to discuss the exact details on the internet. 

In sum:

I am wishing him the very best.

All I want to say to him at the moment is:

I love you.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

being punished

I have written a lot about pain and punishment, and I always wrote out of the perspective of the one who is handing out the punishment. Now I want to address that subject out of the perspective of the one who is being punished.

Frankly: I messed up. I hurt my boyfriend that much that he is really punishing me now. He is teaching me a lesson and I am on the receiving end of one of the hardest punishments I ever got. And I can report: his punishment is hurting me a lot. As every good punishment is supposed to be, it is very unpleasant, it is painful and it is definitely making me think.

The gist of the story is:

I met my boyfriend, I fell in love with him, and I still love him. To me, he is the one.

So far so good ;-)

A couple of weeks ago I put him under real pressure and told him that I want to marry /to be married. I told him to take/marry me or to leave me.

The outcome of that pressure was that he left me. Or actually: After having sent me about 2000 emails in the last years, he now suddenly stopped all communication with me. He does not take my calls, I dont get a reply to my emails and I have not heard from him in weeks at all.

The interesting aspect is: When I had told him that I want to be married at the end of 2014 /Summer 2015 at the latest, for a moment it looked as if he would agree to it. And during that short moment, all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue, I became super scared. I had this feeling of: “OMG; Really? This is really going to be happening? I am scared of it.”

It was fear of success. It felt like “this is too good for me. This cannot be happening to me. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve so much good”. Being his wife was all I dreamt about in the last years with him. And now I realised that the idea of becoming his wife, the idea of living my dream, scared me.

It was one of the aha- experiences one sometimes has in life. I got a rare glimps in my own invisible scripts. A glimps in my deepest fears and insecurities. It almost looks as if I (by forcing him to make a decision) sabotaged my relationship with him because according to my own invisible scripts what we had was “too good for me”

When I had put him under the "marriage-pressure" I sort of knew that he does not want to marry. I guess that in his opinion it is just not the right time. There is just too much other stuff going on that is making a wedding/marriage quite complicated. The fact wheter or not he is going to marry does probably say nothing about wheter he loves me or not.

And still I pressured him into a decision. I did it because I do think that it is absolutely normal for a woman to want to be married. I want to show the world that we belong together, I want to share the same family name with him, I want to wear a wedding band with his name on it, I want him to wear a wedding band with my name on it.

I had no intention to hurt him. I did not want to emotionally smother him or to legally restrain him. I just wanted the world to see that we belong together. He is in my heart, we had wonderful moments in the last years, we went through many challenges together, he has been an enormous help to me when a family member passed away not too long ago and I know that he does have strong feelings for me too. So to me, marriage seemed a logical step.

Hurting him did not even cross my mind. I wrote him that I was always so scared of losing him, but that I now feel strong enough to address the tricky marriage subject. I told him that I don`t want to be a burden in his life and if he does not want me in his life anymore, I don`t want to be in his life anymore either. I wanted clarity. I wanted to know whether I am the right one for him too or not.

In my line of thinking: I wanted to either hear a clear commitment or a clear: „Babe I am sorry...I just cannot do it. But thanks for the wonderful years we had together.“

I really want this man to be my husband. I do think though that I could have lived calmly and peacefully if he had told me the words that people usually say in situations like this: „Hey, it`s not your fault. I just dont want to marry. Bla bla bla.“

What is really hard for me though is that he went into „no contact“. I am feeling so rejected and so hurt, I don`t even have words to describe it. The fact that I am absolutely powerless here is almost unbearable for me. I am a dominant woman, I am used to taking things in my own hands and solve problems when I see some. I talk about things, and I do actually apologise when I understand I hurt somebody. It might sound strange, but apologizing is actually not difficult for me. If somebody is dear to my heart, I think it is only natural to want to be on good terms with that person. In my family we usually express our feelings openly. We yell, we slam doors, we argue, we push each others buttons, but we are easy to forgive and easy to apologize. However, in the current situation I don`t have any means to apologize. I am not sure if he even reads my emails at the moment. And I am pretty sure that he is not reading this post here either.

When it comes to hurt and violation, the view of the person who got hurt must be treated as the determining factor. And obviously my boyfriend is very hurt now.

Be assured that he is very able to express his feelings. He can be very good with words. I am a lawyer, I actually use words a lot. I talk a lot and I talk a lot about my feelings. And my boyfriend does have the ability to share his feelings with me, he is on a par with me verbally and he is strong enough to defy me if it is needed. :-) He does not always want or like to share his feelings with me, he is a man after all and I do know that as far as men are concerned other standards for sharing feelings are to be aplied ;-) But generally speaking, we were very capable of talking things over and finding peaceful and respectful settlements for our disagreements in the past.

So when we don`t talk things over now it is because he does not want to talk it over. The fact that is really making me think is that he chose to hand out the biggest possible punsihment: No Contact.

He is no fool, he is in fact a very empathetic man. So he does know exactly that no contact is having a huge impact on me. And the idea that he seemes to think that I deserve to be punished so harshly is almost unbearable for me. My instinct is to run to him, to fight for our love, to try to convince him that I am the right woman for him. But my brain tells me: „Tina, don`t do that. The more you contact him now, the more is he going to reject you.“ He knows that I want to have contact with him. He obviously wants to send a very strong message. It is his decision how long he wants to stay silent. I obviously got no say in it.

If he really thinks that no contact is the appropriate punishment for me, I must have hurt him immensly. My feelings of guilt, anger, fear and dismay are overwhelming. I try to trust though that he is going to end my punishment someday in the future. He has given himself in my hands  so often in the past,  I could be dominant and boss him around many times, maybe it´s only fair that now the tables are turned? I only hope he will give me the aftercare I deserve. This whole thing is really bringing me at my limits.

And so they lived happily ever after...

I am officially ending my blog now. Thanks to all of you who were supporting me on my journey.
It has been fun and it was more life challenging than I had ever expected.

After many ups and downs in the last 18 months, I finally saw the man again.
And I can honestly say: I still love him. He is good to me. He makes me smile. Being with him feels right. He deserves all my love.

I am not sure if I actually can spend the rest of my life with him, but I am willing to do what it takes to have him in my life for as long as possible.

I am coming, I am coming, I am cooooommmmmiiing

In less than 2 weeks I am finally flying to the United States again. I am really excited :-)

the meaning of punishment lines

Punishment lines... after I blogged about it, I received quite a few emails about it. And I feel the need to add  a couple of things:

Sometimes, very very rarely, I respond to men who ask me to give them punishment lines. I did it some months ago with a guy in Hong Kong who I do not know at all. I know nothing about him and I am not intending to start a deeper relationship with him. He was just lucky that he contacted me during a good time when I was bored and in the mood for some play. I made him write some lines, we used the fond of writing tool, he wanted to have a break in order to go to the bathroom, he did not get a break but had to write the lines with a full bladder instead. It was fun, but there was no depth between us.

Things are totally different with men who I know and with whom I have a deeper relationship.

After my post, a good and married online friend contacted me and asked me very nicely, if I would be willing to give him punishment lines. And with uncertain termes I declined his request. Actually, I was pretty direct and (without wanting it) offended him.  I later apologized to him, and things are ok again between him and I.

The reason why I gave the Hong Kong guy what he wanted but did not give it to the friend is:

It would have been too deep and too emotionally intense between the friend and me.

I know, I know, many of you think: whats the big deal with the fucking lines? Why is she making such a drama? All she needs to do is to tell the man to write one sentence X-times and that is all she has to do.

And to a certain degree thats right. This is exactly what I did with the Hong Kong man.

But as so often, the reality is much more complex. If I accept to start a scene with a man, I feel totally responsible for what happens. And it does not matter at all if the scene involves a serious otk spanking, a  belting or something as alledgedly harmless as telling a grown man to sit down and write some lines for me.

In all these situations I think it is my job to make sure that he does not get hurt, that he feels safe and loved and cared for. If a scene is going on, there is kind of a constant tension in my life.  I feel the need to stay in control and to react to new situations and adapt my behavior to his life situation.

I want the scenes to be custom made for the man`s needs and feelings. The number of lines given, the time until I expect the lines, the lengths of the lines, the text ...there is a lot to consider. Whenever I seriously start a scene, I am totally focused on the man and on his life.

It was not like this with the Hong Kong man, because it was EVIDENT that he was not interested in me as a person and I was not interested in him. It was just two adults playing. A matter of one or two hours. Nothing more.

But with people I care about, the "play" is not really "playing" but a serious matter. It touches the most private and hidden secrets and feelings of both the man and I. We might laugh and have fun , we might joke about it , but it does not change the fact that it is a serious matter.

If I tell a man to sit down and write a sentence over and over again, the message of the sentence better be perfectly fitting to the man`s needs. I know for sure that the results can be pretty damaging if the sentence is badly chosen or if the message is triggering some old, bad feelings.

Plus: The lines only mean much to me if it was indeed difficult for the man to write them. I like the fact that he had to focus for a pretty long time on whatever message it is that I want him to understand.

In closing:

Dont feel offended if I dont give you punishment lines. It is mostly a matter of me not having the energy to go as deeeply into the scene as I would need to. And it is mostly a matter of the man BEING important to me . Exactly because a man is important to me I don´t hand out punishment lines easily to him.

Wanna marry me?

1.HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
 -- Alan,age 10
I am good at making decisions. I know exactly who I wanna marry. I let the person know about it with uncertain terms :-) I covered the "would I be willing to marry a vanilla guy"-question in earlier posts.

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
 -- Camille, age 10
I am definitely older than twenty-three.

 3. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
 -When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
 - - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
 - - Howard, age 8

I am not a good kisser at all. Not sure why exactly that is, but I dont kiss much at all.My last kiss was in a parking lot right after my arrival in the States in Summer 2010.The guy was perfect and I remember that kiss often, because usually I just dont kiss.

4. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 
Hmmmmm... not sure if I would agree with this statement....

 And
 the #1 Favorite is.......

5. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?      
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
 -- Ricky, age 10
You got it right, kiddo :-)

what does the kink stand for?

For you, personally, what does domestic discipline stand for?

What parts of your personality, what feelings, what fears and hopes do you hide in real life and only show them in a domestic discipline context?

What feelings don`t you dare to outlive in the "real world"?

Don`t give me an obvious answer, such as: " it´s hot to be dominated by a strong woman".

I wanna know what is behind...

• What is it that gives you that special feeling in your stomach? When can you usually feel it the most? 
• What makes you submit even though you know you are not gonna enjoy the next few moments too much?
• What is the driving force behind your interest in domestic discipline?
• What do you (hope to) gain by being the submissive partner in a dd relationship?

Let me know what is going on in your head...

early bed times and loss of privileges

With the right guy, age play is great. It can be unbelievably hot to treat a grown man like a young boy. I said many times that I think early bed times, groundings and loss of privileges are effective domestic discipline tools. I used all of these punishments. And it has always been fun for me and very hard for the man.

In a way it is easier to accept a spanking than accepting being sent to bed at an early time or being grounded for some time. I think this is due to the fact that the man can be pretty passive while getting a spanking. It hurts, it is a bit embarassing but at the same time the person being spanked is getting a lot from the spanker. Time, dedication, attention, touching, scolding, ...the spanker gives a lot. And the submissive partner gets it all. The submissive partner is in the center of  the spankers attention. It is pretty much impossible to spank somebody and not give him my full intention.

Adding to this the fact that as a good loving and caring dominant woman I think it is my duty to make sure that I do not actually "hurt" him in  a bad way, I need to pay attention to his words and body language all the time. I might be angry with him and punish him for his acts, but I will always make sure that he is safe and knows that he is loved.

All he has to do is: submitting to my dominance. Once he is over my knees, he is receiving what I am giving him.

In regards to early bed times, groundings and loss of privileges however, the man is not receiving much. Instead, important things are taken away from him. He does not get my attention. He does not feel me. I dont care much if he is ok, because I already KNOW that he won`t be harmed. It might hurt his male ego a bit, but this is exactly what I am intending, so, I am not worried about it :-)  In these scenarios he is not the center of my attention. Far from it. I might have fun or be on the phone with a friend, while he is sent to bed alone with nothing to do but trying to fall asleep or waiting for me to follow him to bed. This makes submitting really hard. And I cannot tell you often enough how much it means to me when a man submits to me in such a way.