Wednesday, September 15, 2021

fair/ unfair punishments and trauma

 I read the following statement on fetlife a few days ago, and it gave me a lot of food for thought:

I realise it's not for everyone, but sometimes I like receiving punishments which are not "fair" - perhaps dished out on a whim, or because the disciplinarian is a bad mood, or just because they can. I find it appealing that I can be interrupted from a perfectly innocent activity: spanked at any moment; if I'm watching TV, I might suddenly be blindfolded; if I'm chatting with other littles, I might suddenly have a dummy shoved in my mouth so I then have to stay silent. If punishment is only the result of being "naughty", this gives me too much control as the little.

I pondered these words a lot. And I realized how closely linked it is to what I am doing constantly in my life.

I understand now: I am constantly afraid to be punished unfairly. I am constantly on edge. I am constantly trying to please the people in my life, in order to prevent them from unfairly scolding me/yelling at me/ criticising me and punishing me.

I have been exposed to unfair / unpredictable treatment and adult behavior from a very early age on.

And now I am always trying to guess or learn or feel what another person is doing/feeling/intending to do, in order to keep myself out of harms way. 

I am scared shitless of doing the 'wrong " thing. I am scared of making a mistake. I am scared of causing problems or -God help me-, even causing troubles.

The older I get, the more I understand how much I have been traumatized when I was young. I always knew that there is a lot going on in my family of origin, and I always understood that I was a parentified child, taking care of the needs of the adults, but it took me years to grasp how deeply I was effected by the drama around me.

When I entered my first sexual relationship, I had this constant fear that I might do something that pisses the guy off. It felt like I was walking trough a field of landmines. I was never sure when he would explode. And it was completely unpredictable. I never knew what could trigger him. And this feeling never left me. 

And still today I am constantly in fear. My german shrink has asked me often: "what are you afraid of?" but I could not give her a satisfactory reply. I know my husband loves me. I think basically I am afraid NOT to please my partner, and that as a consequence he might punish me emotionally. 

The more I look into it and into myself, the more I understand how much I am hurting. I stumbled accross a great blog by Dr Arielle Schwartz, a psychologist, in which she writes about the "fawn response". 

And when I read her words , it felt like she is expressing exactly what I am feeling but what I wasnt able to put into words so far. After reading what she wrote, I wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: yes, exactly, that is it! Finally somebody understands what I am going through. Finally somebody puts the unspeakable into words

She says:

 When a child learns to cope by taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that child is relying on a defense structure, termed the “fawn” response which has been widely discussed by Pete Walker in his book on Complex PTSD. The fawn response involves trying to appease or please a person who is both a care provider and a source of threat. Examples of fawning include:

“I hoped that by caring for them they might care for me.”

“I never showed my true feelings for fear of retaliation.”

“I was always walking on eggshells; I never knew when they would explode”

“I had to shapeshift myself depending upon their mood.”

When engaging a fawn response, an individual bypasses their own needs and in some cases, sense of identity, for the sake of attending to the needs of others. In adulthood, an unresolved fawn response might lead to patterns of people pleasing or co-dependence, in which one continues to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of maintaining relationships.

Physiologically, a fawn response involves reading the social and emotional cues of others to attend to and care for their needs. Fawning also involves disconnecting from body sensations, going “numb” and becoming “cut off” from your own needs. 

 Here on this blog, I wrote often how difficult it is for me to feel connected with my own needs and to get my own needs met. And even when I opened the blog, and when I chose the name:" the strong woman", it only shows that already back then I felt like I HAD to be strong. 

In a way I am very relieved now, because I finally know what is going on inside me.


15 comments:

  1. What would be your absolute ideal situation/relationship, understanding that it begins and ends with you being happy in yourself?

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  2. I want to feel safe. I want to be allowed to make mistakes. I want to be supported in my creative ideas. I want to be supported when I am doubting myself. I want to be allowed to express my needs. I want to be showered with love and I want to be allowed to be who I am.

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    1. I think that's probably what most people want. And I also think it begins with being strong enough to say that to someone.

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  3. You mean you want to fix your inner psychological insecurities, because if your husband or partner is not already allowing you to 'express your needs' then there is already something wrong with the relationship. And as for mistakes you need to be able to learn to forgive yourself, because apparently your partner (based on what you've written in the past) already has forgiven at least some mistakes from you.

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    1. I am doing the best I can. That's all I can say. I dont wanna talk about my partner, because in a way he is irrelevant. I mean: If I dont change my beliefs I will run into the same situations over and over again.

      I am making progress in being nicer to myself and allowing myself to paying closer attention to my own needs.

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  4. That “fawn response” describes what happened to me perfectly (including the dissociation), and being punished unfairly sends me into a rage because of an event that has stuck with me for decades.

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    1. I am sorry you had to experience that event.

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    2. There is a further progression of that fawn response called “covert incest” when one parent looks to the child to take the place of a spouse. It is not physical incest. It is more like filling the emotional role of a spouse. When it happens you completely lose touch with what you need and how you feel because your whole job is to take care of a parent and you eventually just own their emotions instead of your own. Between that and dissociation, I could never tell anyone how I was feeling or what I wanted (other than to check out via alcohol, food and of course my fetish interests) because I had no idea. Once “this activity” got hardwired into my sexuality, it became completely obsessive and my favorite way to check out. It still is even though it has done immense damage to me. While it will never go away, my therapist thinks I can develop more vanilla interests and focus on those. I don’t believe him because this is all I have ever known.

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    3. "While it will never go away, my therapist thinks I can develop more vanilla interests and focus on those."

      I think change is possible. Awareness is the first step. I think we all have the ability to change.

      I have interacted with you when you were not obsessive, and/or checked out via alcohol or food. I could " see" your tender, soft, caring side and I like what I saw.

      It's all about healing the inner child in us. I am trying mindfulness. I was at the beach today, took a long walk at an empty beach, grounded myself, connected with nature, had time to think, had space for myself...this all is helpful for me.

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    4. Mindfulness is really helpful. I practice mindfulness meditation on a regular basis. If part of your focus is healing your inner child, check out “internal family systems” or “IFS” for short. It is a therapeutic model of the psyche that you may find very helpful. I have found that it provides insights and explanations for thought patterns, behaviors, and attitudes that I was unaware of and unconsciously driven by for decades. It has made sense out of my “deviant” interests in a way that nothing else has, including by providing access to memories of things that happened to me at a very young age which my psyche buried and locked away to protect me.

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    5. Thanks, will do. Do you recommend a certain workbook for IFS ?

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    6. This is designed to allow you to do it without a therapist:
      Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_1HE27FJEA363JZY1E1JJ

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    7. Thank you very much. Will order that book.

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    8. Forget IFS. It’s not for you.

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  5. Some would suggest that obeying an unfair command demonstrates the love a submissive holds for the dominant. As a dominant who has an occasional switch impulse, I find using this as a test of love or loyalty is misguided. For true submissives, love for the dominant even when she appears to be mercurial is satisfying; it connotes a deep regard that should never be abused by the dominant. The sub must believe that the dominant will always have the welfare of the sub as a primary concern. But the sub may indeed enjoy the whimsical behavior of the domme; this is part of her makeup that attracts the love of the sub.

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