does the control turn me on?

I have been asked in regard to domestic discipline: "do you feel it is the control itself that you find exciting, or the potential for what you could do with it (e.g. make him a better man?)"

I like the control. No doubt about that. I like the control a lot. And I think the reason for that is: In my life, generally speaking, I have to frequently deal with situations that are out of my control. And it costs me a lot of energy to get the situation under control again. I feel like a professional fire fighter. I am often called, when the fire is already burning and the flames are about to destroy the house. I see the situation and I think: "Sigh, there could have been done so much to prevent the fire, why didn`t they just do a, b and c..." But of course, at the point of time when I am called in it is usually too late to do a, b or c. Instead I have to accept the mess that others have created and I have to be super flexible and creative in order to do what is necessary to stop the fire. I am good at it. And I am used to come up with quick and often unorthodox methods. But my flexibility comes at a high price for me. I often feel that I am just a mercenary to my clients` and friends` needs. And in my quest to make them happy I sometimes go over my limits and neglect my needs.

Therefore: I want the man in my life to give me the feeling that I am in control. I have so many intrinsic sensors in me, my need to see him happy and content is so big, there is zero actual danger for the man that I am taking over control 24/7. I want him to be happy. I don`t want a controlled puppy who is not allowed to voice his own opinion. I don`t want him to give up his freedom completely. But I want the right to send him to bed, or spank him or punish him when I feel that he has crossed a line. And I expect him to trust me enough to let me decide where that thin line exactly is.

Other than that:

I like the potential for what I could do with it (e.g. make him a better man) very much too.

I am a bit reluctant to admit that, because one part of my brain knows that it is not my job to make any man a better man. It is not my job to take care of things that the man has to learn for himself. Things that he has to learn in order to grow in his life. And who am I to think that I "know" what to do in order to make him a better man? I am far from being a perfect woman, so I don`t have any business in trying to interfere in stuff that is his business. I do know all that.

On the other hand: I am very good with feelings. I am very sensitive and I have a knack for opening up people emotionally. I find myself often in situations where I do have a very clear picture of how to emotionally proceed in order to succeed. 

There once was a man in my life who was a professional singer. A deep basso. And for some psychological/emotional reasons he had stopped singing completely. I have a semi professional background in music myself and I soooo wanted to make him sing again, because I could actually feel how much potential there was and what a big waste of his talent it was, for him to not sing anymore. He was a good guy who could just not see for himself how good (both in regards to music and generally in life) he was. And it was my pleasure to help him see his potential.

I am only interested in good men. I am not attracted to "bad boys". Bad boys just do not turn me on at all. But if there is a good man, and I can see even more potential in him, I absolutely like the idea of "working with him", "coaching", "training" or even "disciplining" him to make him an even better man. Yes, lol, absolutely!

5 real life domestic discipline moments that turned me on

1.The first time I sent a man to bed. 

It was an online moment,  and it  was unbelievably hot. It was shortly after having opened my blog and I was still young and inexperienced. I could not believe that I was actually doing it, lol. I remember my hands were shaking when I  typed the words in my keyboard and I was super proud when he obeyed and went to bed straight away. It was so lifechanging because that "Go to bed, now!" marks the change from "dreaming about dd" to actually "doing" it.

2. The first time I spanked a man

The first spanking I ever gave was one of the best moments of my life. It was just perfect. Everything re that spanking was wonderful, it still feels like a dream sometimes. I loved the man. I felt safe. He wanted me to do it, which gave me the feeling of "it is ok to proceed". It was a real spanking, he was bare over my knees, crying, he definitely was feeling the pain I administered and still  he willingly submitted to everything I gave him. It was a deep and bonding moment between the man and I. Probably THE most intense and best moment I ever had with a man.

3. Go stand in the corner!

I said this to a man right after a spanking. He did as he was told and I sat down and just watched him standing there. I loved that he just did what I asked him to do. No arguing, no trying to make me change my mind, no "ah, baby, no, come on,  you serious?" He just calmly accepted my authority. And me, I more than enjoyed the control and the power I had.

4. Corporal punishment session via skype

Thanks to skype I was able to enjoy a real corporal punishment session with a man I never ever actually met. But still, it was something that serves me as a masturbation template even still today, months and years later. He wanted me to be strict to him, and strict I was. Probably the strictest and most demanding I have ever been. I scolded him for something he had done, played with his mind, told him in very clear words that his punishment is well deserved and that I am not accepting his bad behavior any longer. I made him do push ups for me and crunches and I went through a whole sports routine with him. When he was exhausted, the real fun started. I made him kneel on rice. Naked and hands behind his head. While he kneeled there endlessly, I read him the riot act. He was trying very hard not to cry the whole time. After a very long time I seemed to show some mercy and told him to get on all fours and to pick up the rice from the floor. He did a good job and got all the rice grains. Just when he thought the session had come to an end, I told him to throw the rice grains (that he had just picked up with great effort) back on the floor. I wanted him to understand that the session was far from over and that he was not having any control in it whatsoever. It was a tough lesson for him, but he got it eventually ;-)

5.Watch your language!  

Sometimes it seems that for some men the little domestic discipline things are the hardest to do. Being denied a glass of wine at a restaurant, for instance.Getting the look that tells him: "no, you cant have another glas of wine!" That is something that is hard to stomach for some men.

Not too long ago I told a man in very clear words: "I am really fed up with your constant use of foul language. I dont want to hear any cursing and cussing from you any more." He replied by saying: "but that is just who I am. I use strong language I wont change it." I held my ground though and stayed firm. I made my position very clear and told him exactly what I expected: "Watch your language!" Since then he has been a poster boy for good language. He IS constantly watching his language with me and that is something that makes me feel all warm inside. :-)

sexual fantasies

The lovely Ferns wrote an interesting post about her sexual fantasies.

You can find her post here:

I read her post and realized: sexual fantasies are really a very personal thing. (Go figure, little Tina, lol).

My fantasies are different from hers.

I also do fantasize about being able to do what I want with the man, (hey, lol, I have to at least a bit live up to my claim of being a dominant woman), but in order for me to really enjoy the scenario, I need a gift from the man. The gift of his submission.

I do want to do things to him, sexual things, painful things, humiliating things and many other things that he does neither enjoy nor like. But at the same time I want him to stand up tall and tell me: "You, Tina, YOU can do all this to me because I love you and adore you and trust you completely". I want him to think and also tell me : "I hate what I have to endure, but I am willing to do it for you."

I had an argument with a pretty vanilla man about some real life issues once. I wanted him to do something and he wanted to use a different approach. He completely disregarded my (honestly, I am not bragging here) actually very good advice.

I had told him that I like him and that I am into spankings and domestic discipline, but he was just totally unexperienced in that regard.

Later he asked me:

"I was wondering if you had spanked me in your fantasy again"

And I replied by saying: "no, that does not turn me on at all at the moment. My thinking goes along the line of: You dont like it and so the fantasy loses its power for me in regard to you."

He:  "I never said that, I liked the thought of you using me in your fantasy...I liked it a lot"

Me:  "Fantasy is one thing, but in real life, literally every time I am trying to „boss you around“ I can almost feel your „no“. And the spanking, it is something so intimate and personal and deep and meaningful for me, I don´t do it with somebody who does not like me bossing him around. And I don´t even do it in my fantasy."

He started to explain to me why he had said "no" to me in regards to the vanilla issue and went on saying "if this disturbs your ability to fantasise about us being together then I find that very disturbing and upsetting".

But hey, my fantasies are my fantasies.

In my mind, being dominant is always linked a bit with giving. I dominate a guy because I can see his potential.  For me, in my fantasies, the interesting factor is not intercourse in any way, sort or form, but the element of dominance and submission and power exchange.

acceptance of what we are

"The anonymous" wrote another comment that gave me again much food for thought. He said:

You're right to try to stop giving, it does not work. It burns out your love - and ends up getting in the way of the connection and intimacy. Besides men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are. That acceptance is best in action, but at the very least we crave its existence for it is hard enough to be a male and have sensitive feelings, let alone ones that are deferring and passive to the point of submissiveness and surrender.

Anonymous, The.

Oh, and I am familiar with the Enneagram system, or at least I once was. 

I'm a 6.

Anonymous,

Let me begin by saying: I am glad we all agree on the importance of me stopping of giving too much :-) Actually, I only learned this lesson this year. Up until about a year ago I really thought that my MO is the normality. I never even questioned my deeply embedded mantra of "always putting others needs first". I thought it is just something everybody -who is at least half decent- does. I was convinced that - if I should need it-  other people would give to me and help me with as much effort and dedication as I had done helping them. 

And when I was in need and the help and support did not come, I was honestly and truly dumbfounded. I started to seriously study the enneagram system and I finally understood, that it is indeed so that people are running on different internal programs :-)

Stop giving too much? Got it. Check.  

You are an enneagram type 6? That is very interesting. My only uncle is a 6 too. He is a teacher. He teaches latin and music at a high school, and pretty much all my life I have tried to get his approval. When I was a little girl I started to learn latin, in order to follow the family tradition, and to impress him. Later I sung in his choir, went to his concerts and played trumpet in his orchestra. But the words "good girl" never came. I experienced him as a super tough judge to whose expectations I just could not live up to.  The validation I was hoping to get from him never came.

My point is, maybe you unfairly got to experience some of my hidden anger that I still feel towards him. I usually tend to suppress that anger, but as you have pointed out correctly: the anger is still there and comes up once in a while. 

I am willing to accept my part in hurting you and causing you emotional pain. As I said: I apologize. Please forgive me.

I `m not quite sure if I get exactly what you are trying to tell me by saying: "men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are." I might have been an asshole in the end, but for me there is no and never has been any doubt in my mind that "men like you" are wonderful and ok. The acceptance of what you are has never been a problem for me. You can read 5 or 6 years worth of my blog and you wont find any negative comment about "men like you". The moments when men like you show their sensitive sides to me are among the most cherished moments of my life.

I have said it before and I will say it again: The men are not the problem in my life! The men are awesome.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that "I" have been sometimes pretty clumsy when dealing with men like you. I put on the invincible, strong woman persona and don`t let the man see that I have needs and wants too. I don`t let my own needs shine through because I don`t want to admit it to myself. And because I am so focused on the partner, I always assumed that the man is as focused on me as I am on him. Especially if it is a submissive guy. But instead of  giving him guidance in "how to deal with Tina", I just assumed he can figure out my wants and needs alone. I assumed that he can do something that not even I myself could do: acknowledging and taking care of my own needs.

Open letter to "anonymous"

I received an intense and personal comment to my "forced orgasm"-post and I would like to take the opportunity and to answer to that comment.

I think it would be fair to say that I'm one of the hearts that got hurt along the way and when I read your post I feel so sad for you but at the same time remember my own hurt from our connection and what I experienced as a strange and irrational anger and attack. It is truly hard for me to understand how the two versions of you are the same. 

A part of me still wishes I could be there for you, be the one that makes you feel ok, but I now know the only person who can do that is you. I don't know why your ex won't talk to you anymore but, more importantly I'm not sure you understand either. I suspect it is because you cannot see yourself through his eyes and so he has stopped trying - that he cannot tell you anymore than he already tried to. 

I don't think you will get out of the place you're in until you understand yourself. You're not a bad person in any way, and I'm not suggesting you are. But you are so full of what you think is the only truth, that there no space for anyone else's reality, and therefore no space for them to be with you. Maybe your 'rejected little girl' is what stops you being vulnerable as an adult; maybe her need to be safe makes you block your eyes to what others see. Maybe your task is to heal her and reassure her enough that she can let go of protecting and blocking. She sure hurt me, so I'm guessing she is not ready yet to drop her defenses with anyone. I think she needs help to do it, and not from a relationship. 

Anonymous,

your  comment made me smile. It gave me the feeling of: I just KNOW I have good taste in men :-) There is so much truth in your comment and you showed a lot of class in how you carefully worded it. Telling the truth and still phrasing it very gently so as not to hurt me unnecessarily. There was a reason why we had the connection we had :-)

I do sincerely apologize for hurting you. It was not my intention at all. 

At the same time your comment made me sad, because I know you are right in many aspects and you are only expressing what I have been thinking for a long time anyway: The men are not the problem, I am.

I did not have much sexual experience when I started that blog, and I was chuffed to bits by the fact that blogging was a way for me to make new experiences. 

The men who wrote me were fantastic. But I rarely managed to actually feel seen by them. I do believe that many of them only saw the kinky starke Frau in me, but not the real "Tina". And I think I am much more than just a kinky wish fulfiller.

I have problems accepting the fact that I do have wants and needs too. For me, it is very easy to give. Receiving is much more difficult for me. That might be one of the reasons why I give a lot in a relationship, especially at the beginning. It gives me a lot of pleasure to make another person happy. I give time, attention, dedication, real interest, understanding and much more.  Once I am interested in a man I am interested in many aspects of his life. E.g: I started to learn about the premier league soccer club Aston Villa, because a man I cared about mentioned liking it. When I enter a plane these days I check what kind of plane it is, because one man I liked is a pilot and totally into aviation. And once I even attended a seminar on human papillomavirus because the topic came up when I was exchanging emails with a man.

And I receive pleasure by thinking that I am important for the other person. But sooner or later there comes a point where I think: "I have given so much, now I want to be the one to receive." And often this comes as a total surprise to the man. If I like a man I can do a lot, and I usually do a lot, to make the man think that I am awesome. But then after a while, I want to be pampered too. I want to talk about subjects that "I" like, like for example Abraham Hicks, or EFT. Subjects that are important in my life. And often the men don t understand that talking about such subjects is as important as the kink to me. And sometimes, when I dont feel understood, I just end the contact. 

To me it feels like: "I have given so much and I enjoyed giving it, but I cant go on giving and giving, I want to receive too. After all the giving I have done, I deserve to receive now." And when this happens it is a sudden, total change of my MO. I can be endlessly patient and understanding when I am focused on another person. But when I have the slightest feeling of "the other person does not care about me enough" I become super impatient, judgmental and short. From my point of view: I see no sense in waiting and being patient anymore because I had already done all the giving and obviously it was not enough, or he would care about me now. That is why I end it.

Believe me, I have done a lot of internal work. In the last months I have done nothing but working sleeping and doing internal work. The very strong feeling though that is dominating me is: I need a blessing from my ex in order to move on.

I do realise that I am playing the helpless victim here. And I generally do believe that playing the victim is not a good thing at all. But the thing is: I dont feel like I am PLAYING helpless or the victim here. My dominating feeling is: I am helpless as far as the whole relationship subject is concerned.

In sum: your comment is spot on :-)

I am an enneagram typ 2, and this is what is said about people like me:

"However, Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met. Transformational work entails going into dark places in ourselves, and this very much goes against the grain of the Two’s personality structure, which prefers to see itself in only the most positive, glowing terms.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Threes, and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.” "

Well, at least I can honestly say that I have gone into very dark places in myself. I do understand that the solution has to come from me.

Tina

forced orgasms

I wish I had better news, but I dont have any success story to report. Almost 6 years of blogging and I seem to end up sad and alone.

The cruel thing is: I cant blame anybody. The only person responsible for my life is me. And it looks like I blew it.

I literally received emails from about 100 men who were interested in me. But for one or the other reason it did not work out with any of them and I am alone now in the cold and dark wintertime in Germany.

There were a few guys who were super interested in me, but I did not feel the special chemistry with them. So I declined what they were offering me and I am sure I hurt a few hearts in doing it. 

The truth is, there is only one man I love. The man I used to call "my ex" here on my blog. My feelings for him are so deep and so profound, even if he will never talk to me again, I will forever care about him. (I just called him, and he rejected my call...)

The story I had with him was so fulfilling and so wonderful on so many levels, it is very hard for me to get over it. I know that he was not playing with me. I know that he let me see his soul. I know he gave me all he had. That is why it is so difficult for me to let go of him now. My brain says one thing and my heart says another thing.

I saw the man recently and when I saw him I knew immediately: Nothing has changed. My feelings for him are still there. I still think he is the greatest. Every day I am waiting for an email from him, and when that email does not come, I am disappointed and angry with myself. I scold myself mentally for being such a fool, for waiting for an email or a phone call that does not come.

An unpleasant side effect of my sadness is that I dont even care to masturbate anymore. Masturbating feels like a stupid , pathetic thing to do. It´s like I think: "Universe, if I can`t have him, I might as well stop this whole sex thing at all". Plus: I tend to masturbate to Fm scenarios, and at the moment I dont feel very dominant at all. I feel like a rejected little girl that is craving so much for a teachers attention , but who is not getting it. I am not in the right frame of mind for any domme things. The strange situation with my ex has triggered in me old wounds of  low self-esteem and self-worth.

Btw. did you ever realize that in the online bdsm clips the men are usually forced to "endure"orgasm denial whereas the women are "forced" to orgasm? In my current situation I think being forced to orgasm might exactly be what might help me.  It could release a lot of frustration and tension. And the frigging thing is: the only guy who I would ever trust enough to let him do this to me is my ex. I love him so much because the balance between us was right. It was awesome for me to dominate him and at the same time I could always look up to him. What we had was a domestic discipline relationship at its finest. I will for the rest of my life cherish every second I had with him.