Open letter to "anonymous"

I received an intense and personal comment to my "forced orgasm"-post and I would like to take the opportunity and to answer to that comment.

I think it would be fair to say that I'm one of the hearts that got hurt along the way and when I read your post I feel so sad for you but at the same time remember my own hurt from our connection and what I experienced as a strange and irrational anger and attack. It is truly hard for me to understand how the two versions of you are the same. 

A part of me still wishes I could be there for you, be the one that makes you feel ok, but I now know the only person who can do that is you. I don't know why your ex won't talk to you anymore but, more importantly I'm not sure you understand either. I suspect it is because you cannot see yourself through his eyes and so he has stopped trying - that he cannot tell you anymore than he already tried to. 

I don't think you will get out of the place you're in until you understand yourself. You're not a bad person in any way, and I'm not suggesting you are. But you are so full of what you think is the only truth, that there no space for anyone else's reality, and therefore no space for them to be with you. Maybe your 'rejected little girl' is what stops you being vulnerable as an adult; maybe her need to be safe makes you block your eyes to what others see. Maybe your task is to heal her and reassure her enough that she can let go of protecting and blocking. She sure hurt me, so I'm guessing she is not ready yet to drop her defenses with anyone. I think she needs help to do it, and not from a relationship. 

Anonymous,

your  comment made me smile. It gave me the feeling of: I just KNOW I have good taste in men :-) There is so much truth in your comment and you showed a lot of class in how you carefully worded it. Telling the truth and still phrasing it very gently so as not to hurt me unnecessarily. There was a reason why we had the connection we had :-)

I do sincerely apologize for hurting you. It was not my intention at all. 

At the same time your comment made me sad, because I know you are right in many aspects and you are only expressing what I have been thinking for a long time anyway: The men are not the problem, I am.

I did not have much sexual experience when I started that blog, and I was chuffed to bits by the fact that blogging was a way for me to make new experiences. 

The men who wrote me were fantastic. But I rarely managed to actually feel seen by them. I do believe that many of them only saw the kinky starke Frau in me, but not the real "Tina". And I think I am much more than just a kinky wish fulfiller.

I have problems accepting the fact that I do have wants and needs too. For me, it is very easy to give. Receiving is much more difficult for me. That might be one of the reasons why I give a lot in a relationship, especially at the beginning. It gives me a lot of pleasure to make another person happy. I give time, attention, dedication, real interest, understanding and much more.  Once I am interested in a man I am interested in many aspects of his life. E.g: I started to learn about the premier league soccer club Aston Villa, because a man I cared about mentioned liking it. When I enter a plane these days I check what kind of plane it is, because one man I liked is a pilot and totally into aviation. And once I even attended a seminar on human papillomavirus because the topic came up when I was exchanging emails with a man.

And I receive pleasure by thinking that I am important for the other person. But sooner or later there comes a point where I think: "I have given so much, now I want to be the one to receive." And often this comes as a total surprise to the man. If I like a man I can do a lot, and I usually do a lot, to make the man think that I am awesome. But then after a while, I want to be pampered too. I want to talk about subjects that "I" like, like for example Abraham Hicks, or EFT. Subjects that are important in my life. And often the men don t understand that talking about such subjects is as important as the kink to me. And sometimes, when I dont feel understood, I just end the contact. 

To me it feels like: "I have given so much and I enjoyed giving it, but I cant go on giving and giving, I want to receive too. After all the giving I have done, I deserve to receive now." And when this happens it is a sudden, total change of my MO. I can be endlessly patient and understanding when I am focused on another person. But when I have the slightest feeling of "the other person does not care about me enough" I become super impatient, judgmental and short. From my point of view: I see no sense in waiting and being patient anymore because I had already done all the giving and obviously it was not enough, or he would care about me now. That is why I end it.

Believe me, I have done a lot of internal work. In the last months I have done nothing but working sleeping and doing internal work. The very strong feeling though that is dominating me is: I need a blessing from my ex in order to move on.

I do realise that I am playing the helpless victim here. And I generally do believe that playing the victim is not a good thing at all. But the thing is: I dont feel like I am PLAYING helpless or the victim here. My dominating feeling is: I am helpless as far as the whole relationship subject is concerned.

In sum: your comment is spot on :-)

I am an enneagram typ 2, and this is what is said about people like me:

"However, Twos’ inner development may be limited by their “shadow side”—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met. Transformational work entails going into dark places in ourselves, and this very much goes against the grain of the Two’s personality structure, which prefers to see itself in only the most positive, glowing terms.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Twos, Threes, and Fours in their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny. Nevertheless, they eventually erupt in various ways, disrupting Twos’ relationships and revealing the inauthenticity of many of the average to unhealthy Two’s claims about themselves and the depth of their “love.” "

Well, at least I can honestly say that I have gone into very dark places in myself. I do understand that the solution has to come from me.

Tina