You're right to try to stop giving, it does not work. It burns out your love - and ends up getting in the way of the connection and intimacy. Besides men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are. That acceptance is best in action, but at the very least we crave its existence for it is hard enough to be a male and have sensitive feelings, let alone ones that are deferring and passive to the point of submissiveness and surrender.
Anonymous, The.
Oh, and I am familiar with the Enneagram system, or at least I once was.
I'm a 6.
Anonymous,
Let me begin by saying: I am glad we all agree on the importance of me stopping of giving too much :-) Actually, I only learned this lesson this year. Up until about a year ago I really thought that my MO is the normality. I never even questioned my deeply embedded mantra of "always putting others needs first". I thought it is just something everybody -who is at least half decent- does. I was convinced that - if I should need it- other people would give to me and help me with as much effort and dedication as I had done helping them.
And when I was in need and the help and support did not come, I was honestly and truly dumbfounded. I started to seriously study the enneagram system and I finally understood, that it is indeed so that people are running on different internal programs :-)
Stop giving too much? Got it. Check.
You are an enneagram type 6? That is very interesting. My only uncle is a 6 too. He is a teacher. He teaches latin and music at a high school, and pretty much all my life I have tried to get his approval. When I was a little girl I started to learn latin, in order to follow the family tradition, and to impress him. Later I sung in his choir, went to his concerts and played trumpet in his orchestra. But the words "good girl" never came. I experienced him as a super tough judge to whose expectations I just could not live up to. The validation I was hoping to get from him never came.
My point is, maybe you unfairly got to experience some of my hidden anger that I still feel towards him. I usually tend to suppress that anger, but as you have pointed out correctly: the anger is still there and comes up once in a while.
I am willing to accept my part in hurting you and causing you emotional pain. As I said: I apologize. Please forgive me.
I `m not quite sure if I get exactly what you are trying to tell me by saying: "men like us only want to be given one thing: acceptance of what we are." I might have been an asshole in the end, but for me there is no and never has been any doubt in my mind that "men like you" are wonderful and ok. The acceptance of what you are has never been a problem for me. You can read 5 or 6 years worth of my blog and you wont find any negative comment about "men like you". The moments when men like you show their sensitive sides to me are among the most cherished moments of my life.
I have said it before and I will say it again: The men are not the problem in my life! The men are awesome.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that "I" have been sometimes pretty clumsy when dealing with men like you. I put on the invincible, strong woman persona and don`t let the man see that I have needs and wants too. I don`t let my own needs shine through because I don`t want to admit it to myself. And because I am so focused on the partner, I always assumed that the man is as focused on me as I am on him. Especially if it is a submissive guy. But instead of giving him guidance in "how to deal with Tina", I just assumed he can figure out my wants and needs alone. I assumed that he can do something that not even I myself could do: acknowledging and taking care of my own needs.
My comment about ‘acceptance’ was not directed at you personally, it was just a response to what we want / need - as it is a very rare gift from women. Most women want to change men; want them to be different. Since we are already required to be something different by society as a whole (i.e. boys are taught to be strong, emotionally contained, and not cry etc), we are already having to run two selves, so when we want to also be actively submissive, it becomes super hard to be male. But as I said, that was not directed at you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thank you for your apology. It's ok though, it was just a bit of a shocking experience because it was so unexpected. It did make me doubt trying to find a dominant partner and that is a doubt I still have because I no longer think that dynamic works as a starting point for a relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps too, I got you at a bad time - perhaps it was at the end of too much giving to someone else and at a time when you did not really want the attention or interest of yet another male trying to submit to you.