I wish I had better news, but I dont have any success story to report. Almost 6 years of blogging and I seem to end up sad and alone.
The cruel thing is: I cant blame anybody. The only person responsible for my life is me. And it looks like I blew it.
I literally received emails from about 100 men who were interested in me. But for one or the other reason it did not work out with any of them and I am alone now in the cold and dark wintertime in Germany.
There were a few guys who were super interested in me, but I did not feel the special chemistry with them. So I declined what they were offering me and I am sure I hurt a few hearts in doing it.
The truth is, there is only one man I love. The man I used to call "my ex" here on my blog. My feelings for him are so deep and so profound, even if he will never talk to me again, I will forever care about him. (I just called him, and he rejected my call...)
The story I had with him was so fulfilling and so wonderful on so many levels, it is very hard for me to get over it. I know that he was not playing with me. I know that he let me see his soul. I know he gave me all he had. That is why it is so difficult for me to let go of him now. My brain says one thing and my heart says another thing.
I saw the man recently and when I saw him I knew immediately: Nothing has changed. My feelings for him are still there. I still think he is the greatest. Every day I am waiting for an email from him, and when that email does not come, I am disappointed and angry with myself. I scold myself mentally for being such a fool, for waiting for an email or a phone call that does not come.
An unpleasant side effect of my sadness is that I dont even care to masturbate anymore. Masturbating feels like a stupid , pathetic thing to do. It´s like I think: "Universe, if I can`t have him, I might as well stop this whole sex thing at all". Plus: I tend to masturbate to Fm scenarios, and at the moment I dont feel very dominant at all. I feel like a rejected little girl that is craving so much for a teachers attention , but who is not getting it. I am not in the right frame of mind for any domme things. The strange situation with my ex has triggered in me old wounds of low self-esteem and self-worth.
Btw. did you ever realize that in the online bdsm clips the men are usually forced to "endure"orgasm denial whereas the women are "forced" to orgasm? In my current situation I think being forced to orgasm might exactly be what might help me. It could release a lot of frustration and tension. And the frigging thing is: the only guy who I would ever trust enough to let him do this to me is my ex. I love him so much because the balance between us was right. It was awesome for me to dominate him and at the same time I could always look up to him. What we had was a domestic discipline relationship at its finest. I will for the rest of my life cherish every second I had with him.
Tina,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are hurting now. But please don't assume that you "blew it." I believe that you have that feeling now; I've had it, I think many of us have. It does not have to be permanent.
I feel that you have a lot to offer, to the world, to a man, and I hope also to yourself.
Take care.
Michael_Michael
I think it would be fair to say that I'm one of the hearts that got hurt along the way and when I read your post I feel so sad for you but at the same time remember my own hurt from our connection and what I experienced as a strange and irrational anger and attack. It is truly hard for me to understand how the two versions of you are the same.
ReplyDeleteA part of me still wishes I could be there for you, be the one that makes you feel ok, but I now know the only person who can do that is you. I don't know why your ex won't talk to you anymore but, more importantly I'm not sure you understand either. I suspect it is because you cannot see yourself through his eyes and so he has stopped trying - that he cannot tell you anymore than he already tried to.
I don't think you will get out of the place you're in until you understand yourself. You're not a bad person in any way, and I'm not suggesting you are. But you are so full of what you think is the only truth, that there no space for anyone else's reality, and therefore no space for them to be with you. Maybe your 'rejected little girl' is what stops you being vulnerable as an adult; maybe her need to be safe makes you block your eyes to what others see. Maybe your task is to heal her and reassure her enough that she can let go of protecting and blocking. She sure hurt me, so I'm guessing she is not ready yet to drop her defenses with anyone. I think she needs help to do it, and not from a relationship.
@Michael_Michael,
ReplyDeleteas always: Thank you so much for your support. It is very much appreciated.
@anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI just dedicated your comment a whole new post. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment.