The endless punishment lines booklet

Finally available for your sweet suffering: Endless punishment lines

 It took me a while to get back to it, but here we go.

As I have already told you: Over the years a lot of submissive men have shared with me how hard it is for them to get their submissive needs met. And how especially difficult it is to get these needs met when the craving is the strongest. 

I am speaking about the times when all you can think about is the kink. When you wish somebody would be available to engage in the things that you are craving most. When you surf the web and look on random bdsm porn, in order to find something good, but nothing really hits your kinky spot. Porn can be hot and good, but it cannot compete with the feeling in your stomach when you are being dominated in a kinky context in real life.

And I have reflected a lot about how to solve that problem. 

I am great at solving problems, lol, I really am. ;-)

I came up with a brand new system. It's a system that I developed for the readers of this blog only. I am posting once in a while on other sites on the internet, but I realized that what we have going on here is something special.  You all and I, over the last decade, we created our own lil niche here, our own safe haven. This blog is usually only found by friendly and big hearted individuals. Therefore I am making you a limited offer that you won't find anywhere else.

I set up a 20 page long endless punishment lines booklet for you guys. Drop me a line (diestarkefrau (at) yahoo.com) and I will send it to you for free. 

You can play with it as you like and /or decide that you are not interested in it. That's perfectly fine. I know that what I am offering is not for everybody.

Btw: for those of you who are thinking: "damn, I am just not into writing lines, this is just not for me" Let me tell you: the lines are only the means to an intense feeling. I could not care less about lines too. But I do care A LOT about the feelings that these lines can evoke. The lines are a perfect means to feed those underused submissive feelings in you. Your brain might tell you: "sigh, writing lines, that is so damn boring", but your stomach will tell you in uncertain terms: "wow, here I am, completely out of control, punished like a little boy, disciplined by a strong german woman, and entirely at her mercy. She has the power to tell me what to do, namely writing these frigging lines, and she has the power to release me from it again."

Anyway, enough of trying to explain the obvious, lol.

For those of you who ARE interested in the real deal, the "fun" starts now:

Assuming you have received my booklet, printed it out, and you have decided that you deserve to be punished, here are the rules:

    1. Send an email to "diestarkefrau@yahoo.com", give me your first name,  let me know that you deserve to be punished, and tell me why you deserve punishment.

    2. Wait till I actually give you permission to write for me. Once you have my permission: start writing. I might give you a specific number of lines to write, or not. Please note: The lines need to be written in your best handwriting.  I don't accept sloppy handwriting.

    3. You are not allowed to have any distraction while you work for me. No tv or music in the background, no playing with your phone and no playing with yourself.

    4. When you are done with the assigned lines, or when you want to stop writing, send me an email and ask for permission to stop writing now. You might get my permission or not. If not, you have to keep writing.

    6. It is my prerogative to determin how many lines you have to write for me.

    7.Once you are finished with your lines, take pictures of your writing and send the pics to me for approval.

    8. If I like your work, your punishment is over. If I don't like it, I will make you redo it.

I will keep this offer up for as long as I seem fit and for as long as I am having fun with it. It is a gift from me to you. 

However, if you decide to start writing for me, I need a pinky promise from you that you are actually following through with it. If you think a pinky promise is too much to ask, I also gladly accept amazon gift cards.

Countdown to: Endless punishment lines

Over the years a lot of you have written to me and told me, how hard it is to get their submissive needs met. 

And how hard it is to get them met at the times when they are actually the strongest and when the hornyness is taking over your whole body and your mind... ;-)

What to do in these times, when all you can do is thinking about your submissive cravings, but when there seems to be no real outlet for it?

Of course, there is always internet porn available, and your own hand... But it is so much easier to experience real submissive moments when a second person is involved.

Not all of us live in a happy female led relationship, I am well aware of this. Relationships can be complicated and it is not always easy to find a partner who is interested in the kink and /or is willing to feed your submissive needs.

And I totally understand that contacting a random professional dominatrix is not only expensive, but also does it lack one important and hot aspect: a random dominatrix does not have a personal relationship with you.

From what I have been told, most of you want to be dominated by somebody who is honestly interested in you as a person. For most of you guys the appeal is in being dominated by somebody who sees you as a person, and who actually does care about you.

I have thought about these questions a lot. I am telling you, I am the most service oriented domme that you will ever find in this whole world, lol.

I have come up with a great idea that will help you through these "hard" moments. :-)

Stay tuned, more to follow soon.

good lines, anybody?

 I am so happy that I am finally feeling energetic and happy again. My old bubbly self has come to surface again and I am full of hopes and ideas for my future. I am still not sure which direction I am going to take in my life, but I can report that the old strong woman is back :-)

I am pondering job options from getting into the american legal field, to opening my own home decluttering business to getting a random 9 to 5 job or becoming a pro domme. As you can see, lol, I am really still at the brain storming phase. There are soooo many options, lol. 

But now, without further ado,  lets talk about a more interesting subject:  Namely writing lines in the F/M context.

I am working on a little kinky side project at the moment, (I will tell you more about it in one of the next posts), and I am wondering:  when it comes to writing (punishment) lines for your wife/lady/domme, what is a line that worked for you? I mean: what is a good line that triggers all the right good spots in your heart, mind and dick?

Write it down in the comments or send me a short email.

naked, vulnerable and happy

The bar exam and all its related stress is over, I have finally emotionally arrived in the US and I am feeling more self confident and empowered than I have felt in a long time.

When I started this blog more than 11 years ago, my focus was on 2 things: 

1. To find a man who loves me 

and 

2. to live out my kinky side with that man, aka having a female led relationship

As you all know, my journey into the female led relationship world has been quite a rollercoster, with many ups and downs. But I can report that I have succeeded in both aforementioned goals. :-) And not only that, it feels like an added bonus that I "found" you all and the great community that we are. I  feel very very blessed indeed.

The things that I actually did pray for 11 years ago when I opened my blog, these things have become my reality now.  And I am wondering sometimes: is this really true? Did I really make all that happen? This is all too good to be true. :-)

Over the years, with the help of many wonderful, brave and submissive men, I have finally learned to express my own needs in  a relationship. In the past, ( as you all know, lol), even when I was interacting in a femdom context with a man, I was way too often focused on his needs. 

But now it seems like I have finally overcome that pattern and I am loving my new life immensly.

I have become so much more self confident, I am amazed about myself, lol.

Stripping myself off of my German lawyer job/identity was one of the most courageous moves I have ever done. Being a lawyer was like an armour for me. Like a protection that makes it impossible for the world to hurt me. 

I was always very fine with seeing men in my life/ in  my relationships naked and vulnerable, and it was always MY pleasure to tell them that it is ok to be naked and vulnerable. But for myself I had different standards. I did not allow myself to show the nakedness and vulnerability that I demanded from the submissive men in my life. But this all has changed now. Giving up my identity as a lawyer and cutting the chords with Germany was so frigging difficult for me that I thought: well, I might as well do a complete job and get rid of some other " emotional armour" too.

Since then I am so much more emotionally vulnerable in my marriage, I am surprising myself on a daily basis.  :-) And the great thing is: Me being vulnerable around my husband helps him in being vulnerable around me (again) too. 

As a couple we had experienced what many of you guys experienced too: It was hard to keep the kink alive when the unsexy real life took over. But now , with my new found energy and confidence, our kink life is finally great again. I touch him constantly and ( among else..lol) "force him" into public displays of affection that had been unthinkable just a little while ago.

If you take away just one thing from my blog post today: Keep the dream alive. Be persistent. Dont give up. It is all so worth it. After so many years of search and trial and errors, I finally found what I was always looking for: A happy life in a female led relationship with a husband who loves me.

bar brain

 The bar exam is finally over, and what can I say,...it was TOUGH!

It's hard to find words for it, it feels like I spent the two bar exam days in a trance like state.

It was super super super stressful. 

The essays were easier than I thought, or better: they were doable. Even though challenging. 

The first day started at 11 AM time and ended at 9PM my time. It was tough to go through it, but ok. I sort of knew what I was doing. The questions on the essays seemed familiar enough so that I could actually answer them and write something. I never had a moment of: "WTF? I have no clue." 

But on the second day, I was already emotionally exhausted from the first day, I was surprised by the difficulty of the questions. 

The multiple choice questions were very very hard. The challenge was to stay focused for soooooo long. I had done about 1200 of these questions in preparation, but ' in hindsight' I should have done twice as many.

There were many very long questions, and it took me endlessly to just read them. Me not being a native speaker was definitely a disadvantage, lol. 

A lot of people were facing computer problems with the examplify computer program. I was pretty lucky, and my screen only froze once. I called the emergency tech guy and he helped me to unfreeze the sceen, but it was all a bit crazy.

And not to forget:  the camera was on all the time and I wasnt allowed to move much and I could not even take a sip of water during the testing and it was generally just a very very very stressful two days.

I am very glad that I can relax now.

The results will be out in November.

My timing was pretty perfect. The day after the exam was my birthday and I had a wonderful calm and fun day with my husband and a friend.

Now my brain is slowly getting back into normal mode. But bar brain is a real thing, lol.

corner time and bar exam preparation

 Hi everybody,

many of you have contacted me in the last weeks and asked how I am doing. I did  not reply much (if at all...) to these emails, but today I will give you all an update and answer some of the most asked questions. 

I am feeling emotionally pretty stable. My depression has gotten better. Thank goodness.

I am gonna write the California bar exam on 7/27 and 7/28. It will be a remote exam, I can actually take it from my bedroom. 

I did not take a bar preparation course. One reason for it was that I did not want to invest the thousands and thousands of $$$ that these companies charge, and furtermore I know from my german bar exam experience that I learn best alone.

I am however once in a while participating in a zoom group study session with a very fine teacher.

Even though there is not really much at stake for me,  I am not even sure if I even want to work as a lawyer in the US, nevertheless the nervous energy of the people who are trying to pass the bar exam has fully reached me. I am nervous as hell. I dont even know why I am that nervous, lol, but I am. I guess the exam triggers all sorts of fears and believes. I dont wanna fail. On the exam and or in life in general. I want to pass this frigging exam. 

As many of you know, the workload for the bar exam is massive. And the fact that English is not my first language is not helping. I can definitely feel that my language skills have improved in the last weeks, but nevertheless I am seeing a lot of words that I had never seen before in my life.

Anyway, in less than a week it will be over. :-)

In preparation for the exam, we had to take a couple of mock exams. Which leads me to the subject of "corner time". I have never actually been sent to a corner. And I know for a fact now that I wont ever want to experience it, lol.

As I said, we had to take the mock exams and these exams were pure hell.  Think of being forced to do a fond of writing exercise, while on a camera and an angry mistress is watching you. This is exactly what I experienced, lol. 

I had to stay in front of the computer for 90 minutes, the camera was on , everything I did or not did was recorded and will be recorded for eternity, I guess.  My face had to be in the center of the frame, I was not alllowed to look somewhere else, I was not allowed to speak, I was not allowed to stand up and stretch, I was not allowed to even drink a sip of water. All I had to do was sitting in front of the camera, answering super hard questions, and writing legal essays in a foreign language. It was pure hell. 

I am following a few guys on fetlife, guys who are into writing endless lines as punishment and who get sent to a corner regularly if they missbehave. It is hot in theory, lol, but my bar exam corner time was unpleasant as fuck. I remember thinking: what, my fetlife friends are actually CRAVING these feelings?  ;-)

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck. I will be back here on July 29. In the meantime I will be studying, studying, studying. :-)

Letter to Wayne

Let me begin today's blog post with a comment I received. 

 You are so full of yourself!. Your arrogance is amazing. You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? They're a jerk off tool. You're a jerk off tool!. You are not as significant as you think you are. My God!

Wayne.

I have no idea who Wayne is. But I want to use this opportunity to give you all and him some insight in what is going on in my heart.

Wayne,

I wish I could tell you that I ignored your words, that they dont matter to me. But the truth is, when I received your comment I felt terrible. Your words did reach me and did hurt me a lot. 

You gotta understand: I am scared of men. 

Not in a vanilla setting, but when it comes to relationships.

For decades I had ignored the fact that I am a woman, and I walked through life as a human being only. I have totally supressed everything female in me. I went out with couples often, and it was always easy and without any problems, because the men didnt perceive me as woman and the women didnt perceive me as threat. I was totally and completely in the friend zone with litterally everybody I met. Being in the friend zone was just so much safer.

 I have learned early in my life that men are physically stronger than I am, and I have experienced the wrath of angry men. I had to learn that I dont stand a chance if a man actually wants to physically attack me. I have been yelled at countless times by a man I was in a relationship with. I have been emotionally abused by a man. I had a man yell at me from the top of his lungs: I will kill you!

I already wrote here on my blog about my father who was a pimp and treated women badly. He payed guys to punish women who had crossed him by forecfully cutting the womens hair. My father was in prison in Germany for raping his girlfriend. Back then I believed him when he said he didnt do it, but the more time passes and the clearer my head gets, the more I realize: Of course he did it.

From a legal point of view there is no doubt that he was guilty, because the woman was only 16 or 17 at the time, so she was not even able to legally consent.

I saw my step dad slapping my mom in the face.

My step dad once walked with my mom through Heidelberg, they passed a hotel and he said: "Look , wife,  that is the hotel where we spent the night at." My mom replied calmly: I have no idea who you spent the night with in that hotel, but it wasnt me.

I heard stories of my grandma, a nurse, taking care of my grandfather after he drunk so much that he needed medical attention.

Basically: Men not showing any respect to the women in their life has been a recurring theme in my life.

It is all pretty much fucked up. It sucks BIG TIME.

You say: You are so full of yourself!.

Yes, I am full of myself. Because I had to take care of myself. There was nobody else. I had to be the adult in the room when the real adults around me acted like little kids. I had to be there for my mom, because neither my dad nor my stepdad were there for her. I had to be strong for my family when the whole family system was overwhelmed by the death of my 6 months old brother. I  was there for my grandma when her husband died. I had to financially provide for all sorts of family members. I was with her when my beloved grandmother took her last breath.  I worked and took on so much responsibility that I almost collapsed under the pressure.

I honestly dont need a man in my life. I go for what I want myself. But that does not mean I am not craving the wonderfulness of a happy relationship with a man. There is a hurt little child in me , who longs for nothing more than being held and accepted and loved and cared for.

You say: "You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? "

Yes, sometimes they do. I cant change another persons life, obviously. But what I can do is sending out little impulses that guide him wherever his path leads him. It is like the little hurt girl in me connects with the hurt little boy in him. I sort of know intuitively what he is looking for. I mean it is not rocket science anyway, lol, most human beings search for connection, and validation. And it doesnt work with every man. 

Some guys are looking for stuff you describe. Like a quick jerk off phantasy. I totally get that. My father was like that. And all the clients who came to his brothel. I have seen more than enough of these men.

But such a guy is not the right fit for me anyway. Nothing bores me more than being a jerk off tool. This whole thing of getting tributes from men by them jerking off on a women's picture does NOTHING for me. 

You say: You are not as significant as you think you are. 

Actually I dont think I am very significant, I deal with self worth issues on a daily basis. I try to please people constantly, just because I think I have to, because I think I am not allowed to be just me, I doubt that me being me is ok and enough.

I stay firm in saying though that the submissive men who enter my life and who wrote lines for me did receive a lot from me. I gave them my undivided attention and my care. I totally tune in to them and what they might need or want.

I actually think, from the deepest bottom of my heart, that these guys are sent to me from the universe. They are here to help me to get back my trust in men again. By being submissive to me, they tell my inner child: dont be afraid of me. I am not like the other guys, I am not gonna hurt you. You are safe with me. They have helped me to heal so much over the years, And I totally see and appreciate what they are doing for me. And because what they are giving to me is so valuable to me, I make sure that I am reciprocating.

Tina 

why it is a privilege to write lines for me

Over the years a lot of men have wanted to write lines for me. That sounds pretty crazy, right? 

But I understand why they wanted to do that. We all know that there are not exactly many women out there who actually enjoy handing out and  receiving written lines.

However, only very few of the men who approached me did actually receive lines, let alone punishment lines, from me. I don't "play" when it comes to lines. They are too important to me. Not the lines, but what the lines stand for.

I really treasure the lines I receive. I still have the very first lines a man ever wrote to me. The line was "Tina does not like to be kept waiting." I had the man write that line 200 times, because, as you might have guessed, he made me wait and I did not like that :-)

When  I actually received these lines in the regular mail, years ago,  I felt like a kid on Christmas. I was overjoyed, and super happy. 

A few months later, when I actually met the man who had written these lines to me, he showed me a table in his room and said intimately: "Look, here is where I wrote the lines for you. " The lines were as important for him as they were for me.

When I moved to the US last year I pretty much got rid of all my possessions /belongings in Germany. I immigrated to the US with only one suitcase. But among all the important documents and papers that I brought with me, between law license, birth certificate and financial documents, I also brought the letter with the lines with me. That is how much I still treasure it.

From my point of view, if I "allow" a man to write lines for me, it shows that I think he is a great guy. I only invest my time in men who I think are worth my time and who deserve my time. Sure, the man has to invest much more time than me, lol, but make no mistake about it, I do invest a lot of thougths and energy in the man too.

If I have a guy write lines for me, I put a lot of thought in it. I dont want to give the man an impossible task, but I want to challenge him, and teach him a lesson, and give him that terrible but at the same time beautiful feeling in his stomach, that comes with the realization of: "She is in control now, I gotta do what she tells me to do, The thing is out of my power, I  just gotta obey."

I want him to actually learn something. About me, about himself, about life in general. I want to help him to grow. I feel like: the world is a hard and complicated enough place already. There is no sense in making life for each other even harder. I come from a standpoint of: we are all in it together. We are all doing best if we support and uplift each other. 

That is why I never hand out lines that degrade a person. I don't hand out lines that are meant to belittle the writer. I am following a guy on fetlife who had to write " I am a useless submissive, not even deserving the name "slave" ". I know, some peole get turned on a lot by having to write lines like that, but for me, it feels like: What message are you actually feeding your heart and brain with?  Can you imagine what  negative impact it might have on your psyche and on your general view of yourself if you write " I am useless" over and over and over again?

I might hand out lines like: " I better accept right away that I am a magnificent human being, full of talents, creativity and gifts." I see it as my mission in life to help other people see themselves with caring and loving eyes. It might be because my own inner self talk is so harsh and negative, I feel like: This crazyness has to stop. And because I am having troubles changing myself, lol, I set my intention on helping others to change,

For me, with the lines, it is never about the lines itself. It is always about making an impact on another person's life. It is about giving him a push in the right direction, it is about seeing himself through my eyes and helping him see what I see: namely a wonderful man who is trying his best in a challenging world.

I hand out lines to a man, for instance, if I see that he is working too hard and if I want to slow him down a bit. I want to give him a mental space to feel calm and centered again and to get away from the noise of the daily life. I give him an oportunity to connect with his true self again. All he has to do is focus on the task at hand and write the same sentence over and over again. And while he writes he can "enjoy" that certain feeling in his stomach, that tells him that for once he is out of control. His only job is to write the lines and write them neatly. 

Make no mistake about it, just because I am all nice and positive and uplifting, it doesn't mean I accept sloppy handwriting. The men who wrote for me know that. I am not hesitating to tell them to rewrite lines or the whole task, if I think he did a sloppy job.

There is a different side to line writing: I have seen men who use the line writing as an excuse to not thrive in real life. It is like writing the lines is a means for them to escape reality and to escape responsibility. They want to write more and more. They enjoy the kinky activity and the submissive feeling too much that comes with being told to sit down and write. If I see that happening I won't hand out one single line to that guy anymore. I dont see sense in actually wasting time. 

My lines and my line punishments all have an actual purpose. And the purpose is to help the man to let his light shine. (Because that is actually what I want for myself too.) If that pushes his submissive buttons: good for him, it's a win win. But if I see that all the guy is focusing on is getting his kinky buttons pushed and avoiding dealing with the real life stuff, I lose my interest in him right away.

I am in a very privileged position. I can pick and choose out of a huge pool of men who want to write for me. I have become great over the years in uncovering "reality avoiders". I am just not interested in them. 

I feel attracted to men who have a full and successful real life, who tend to work more than they "should", who really feel the pain/suffering of losing a few hours to writing lines for me. Men who can see that what I am giving to them and doing to them is much more than just telling them to write a few lines. Because what I am actually doing is caring about them.