I finally spanked a guy again and I loved it

 I am currently working on a new female led relationship book. Stay tuned for more :-)

Ok, here is the long awaited udate on my spanking life. 

I recently spanked a guy and loved it. :-) The gist of it is: I dont know who the guy is, all I know of him is his first name, and I am not even sure if he gave me his real name. This puts me in the very comfortable situation that I can write about the event without giving away too much info about the guy.

I had an exhilarating experience exploring my dominant side and enjoying a consensual power dynamic with this wonderful man. The encounter allowed me to take control and indulge in a spanking, and it was a deeply satisfying and empowering experience for me.

The guy was perfect. I saw him at my home and spanked him over my knees in my living room. So cool. I felt great.

He allowed me to do with him what I want to do. And in hindsight I think I was too nice to him, :-) like in telling him too often that I  believe in him and that I expect him to do better because he is so full of potential and that I want him to let his light shine. I expressed my belief in his potential and encouraged him to be his best selves. This added a huge element of emotional intimacy and connection to the experience. I am not sure if that actually turned him on as much as it did me, but hey, I just went with the flow and did what felt right.

I was touching him very possessively and he did not seem to mind it, lol

I sent him to the corner, and spanked him and paddled him and hugged him and paddled him and sent him to the corner again etc etc etc. It was a great scene. He could take a lot. And I was hapy to give it to him. 

At one point I even kissed him. Just because he was so fucking adorable, standing there in front of me, naked, with his red butt and trying to hold back tears and promising to do better. 

I hope he got as much out of it as I did. 

sure, let's talk about me

I have been asked: what's behind The Strong Woman? Who is she when she's not feeding the sexual fantasies of hundreds of men?

Imagine you are on a first date and your lucky companion wants to know all about you, Tina, the very real person sitting across from him.

On a date I am pretty much an open book. Nothing is off limits. You can ask me anything and I might ask you all sorts of questions too. I dont like small talk. I always prefer having deep conversations

your proudest accomplishments,

Passing the bavarian bar exam. It consists of 11 consecutive days of exams and each exam is 5 hours long.

your most wistful hopes.

To get so much in shape again that I can run a marathon again. Last time I finished one was in 2008.

On a more serious note: I would love to change the american prison system. It's so fucked up, I am having a hard time to grasp that people are actually housed the way they are.

Why did you choose law over medicine or engineering?

 I am interested in humans and their feelings. I could talk about it all day long. 

How did you learn to write so well in English? I started to learn English when I was in 7th grade and never stopped learning. 

 

What do you miss most from Germany, other than certain people 

Being connected with nature, 

sitting in outside restaurants, 

going on long walks with friends, 

using real cutlery instead of plastic one, 

people paying attention to the environment and being aware that there is climate change and polution indeed.

What kind of books do you enjoy, music you listen to when alone?

I love reading about psychology and listen to musicians like Udo Juergens,  another song from udo J ,  Roland Kaiser or  Howard Carpendale. I also like Roger Whittaker. 

Do you have a favourite television show? Is there an actor or actress you just can't watch?

I love HOUSE MD and loved NCIS. I dont care much about Leonardo di Caprio. 

I hate stand-up comedy. It is not funny to me. And it is very hard for me to even  get the jokes because so much depends on a very good knowledge of the american language. And I hate it when people make jokes about anything related to Hitler and that time.

Favourite childhood treat? Everyhing my grandma cooked. 

Meal you most enjoy making? Pasta. Its quick and easy. But I am actually a pretty good cook. I used to and loved to make delicious meals for my mother in law.

Restaurant you love going to? I love Sushi. Going to a sushi restaurant is a sure way to make me happy

What colours do you most wear, what fabrics do you favour? Is there a season you prefer over others?

I dont care much about clothes. I am super easy in that regard. These days I am actually wearing my husbands golf shirts to work and shorts in all sorts of colors. I totally love to be outside. I prefer the summer  because I can go to the beach,

How would you define your political beliefs? Are you religious?

I am religious, yes. I am catholic and got married in a catholic church. But I dont agree with everything catholic, obviusly. 

As far as my politicak beliefs are concerned: I am a liberal.

 

I am not good at balance in a relationship

In response to my last blog post, I received some interesting questions:

"But what about YOU? What do YOU want from an F/M relationship, what does it do for you? Is it sexual, as it is for most men? Forgive my crudeness but does it make you wet? Or is it more cerebral? Is it a desire for power, to be heard and respected and it's a way of achieving that? Does it give you a sense of worth that you feel is lacking in a more balanced relationship?

Do you want a man to give up everything to you, every atom of his being to simply obey you? I can understand the attraction of that, I think, but how does that work in real life? There are jobs and family and illness and celebrations and grieving and a million other things that make up life and that are more joyful or more bearable when shared with a partner. I don't think I could handle having those profound moments in my life dismissed by the woman I was devoted to, no matter how deep my submission." 

I am having problems answering some of these questions. I realize that my inner censor starts to kick in before I even bring my thoughts on paper. Nevertheless, I" ll give it a try.

For me, a F/M discipline relationship is sexual, yes. It turns me on very much. It always has. It's the stuff I masturbate to. It makes me wet and happy and gives me a wonderful feeling of being seen.

And it is also cerebral, yes. I have a huge need to be heard and respected. And domestic discipline has given me great moments where these needs were  met. The thing is, in my vanilla life I am a very service oriented person. It makes me happy to help other people and to support them and to be there for them. That's why I always had many clients when I was working as a lawyer. The people could feel that I was honestly interested in their well being. I genuinly cared for them and they could feel it. The same is happening in my new job as a nanny now. The toddler adores me and the parents value me because I am the most reliable nanny they have ever met. I tune into their needs and try to meet them. And more often than not I am very successful at it. 

I think here on my blog I might sometimes come off as weak and needy and whiney. But I  know that in my life I am able to solve all the problems that life is throwing in my direction.I had to learn at an early age to be responsible and self reliable. I am a problem solver. And I had to solve most problemes of my life alone. I am always full of ideas, I see opportunities, I am very flexible and I am always working on different projects. 

I sometimes ask men who contact me " tell me about yourself: what do you need me for, are you benefitting by being pushed or by being slowed down?"  I personally prefer the men who are driven, who need to be slowed down a bit. I can relate to them much more. 

But the past shows that I seem to attract men who (for whatever reasons ) are blocking themselves a bit from reaching their potential. I think they feel attracted by my strength and my energy. They enjoy the fact that a strong woman is there for them and their needs and they dont see that I need pampering too. My mom tells me it is hard to see/understand/know that I have needs too because allegedly I radate so much energy and ideas and an air of: I can do it.

T have been asked: " Is it a desire for power, to be heard and respected and is it a way of achieving that? Does it give you a sense of worth that you feel is lacking in a more balanced relationship? Thinking about it, yes, it is exactly like that, In a more balanced relationship, in my experiencem for me. there is no balance but I am doing all the heavy lifting. And that sucks. Big time. 

I see the man's submission in a relationship as a sign that he sees and appreciates and values everything I am doing fot him and the relationship. I work my ass off to make money, I keep the house clean, I cook, I go shopping and do all sorts of errands, etc ettc etc. And in a way, I am ok with it. But I want to have the feeling that the man sees and values what i am doing for him. I am ok with me being more driven than he is, and me having more ideas and me being out working while he is playing golf with friends. 

The man on my side has a good life. I will always make sure of it. The one thing I need from him is to let me have control and power in the privacy of our relationship. I am not expecting him to be my slave, but I want him to have my back. 

Why F/M Domestic discipline is a game only

As you all know, I love evertything related to F/M domestic discipline. It has always turned me on. And I know that I have written here often that it is not just a game for me. It is super meaningful and deep and emotional for me. It really is.

But nevertheless, over the years, I realized more and more that it is in fact a game only. And I gotta tell you that realization sucks. In my experience, the men in my life do what they wanna do. If they want to submit to me they do, if theu dont wanna do it, they don't. And there is nothing I can do about it. I am not interested in abuse. I dont wanna be abused and I dont wanna be an abuser. Threfore it is totally in their hands what they wanna do. And I am in the position of taking and accepting the breadcrumbs of submission that are thrown into my direction.

I do of course understand the concept of 'consensuality" and I totally get it that the submissive partner needs to have a say in the whole thing in order to be safe and feel safe and cared for. But in reality that means that he has got all control and I got none. 

If he is not in the mood for it,  he wont do anything I want.  I have never been in relationships where I , even in a vanilla setting, could just rely on my power as dominant woman. " Do this, because I say so".  I could, when the guy was in the mood, but God forbid I wanted something at a time when he did not want it or when I wanted something that he did not wanna do/give.

And on top of it all is the physical power dynamic that exist between most men and women. It is a scientific fact that men are physically stronger than women. I am actually a strong, big, tall woman. I know I've got a lot of physical strength. But I had to learn the hard way that men are stronger. I remember one time when a drunk boyfriend wanted to drive us home and I said: "no, I am driving." He just reached over and forcefully ripped the car keys out of my hand. I did not even stand the slightest chance.

Basically: the woman can pretend to be in control, but in reality the guy is physically stronger and able to do whatever he wants.

In the past, I got a lot of pleasure out of coaching and supporting men, and giving them warm and loving maternal guidance, but lately I am finding myself more and more thinking: "You wont get anything from me."

On a side note: on this day 9 years ago my grandma passed away. And shortly after that my boyfriend ghosted me. I feel a bit embarrassed to say that, but I still think of him often and I am pretty convinced that I am still traumatized by his ghosting. 

Allegedly he is in a relationship now and in a way I am happy for him, but I am also still hoping and wishing and craving that he would reach out to me and that he- by reaching out to me- would help me to find the peace of mind that I am so longing for. 

I am pretty sure that he is not reading this blog anymore. And I think he has no frigging idea how much I am still hurting from his ghosting. Sometimes it feels like: "yes, I am finally over it/him" but sometimes the pain is still so overwhelming that I am doubting the right of my whole existence. 

Rationally I do understand that he had his own problems in life and that he did what he did because he is generally avoiding difficult conversations. But emotionally I am thinking: "WTF? Am I so damn worthless that I dont even deserve your attention and your compassion? what we had was so deep and so wonderful for me, I gave you all I had to offer, I would have thrown myself in front of a truck for you, and you chose to ignore me for the rest of my life?"

It takes a certain kind of cruelty to do to someone what he is doing to me.And I hate it that I am still thinking of him, missing him and longing for his approval.

the benefits of making a man write lines

I know, most of you know the following all too well. Nevertheless, I thought it might be good to have the following info in one place:

Discipline and correction: Writing lines can serve as a disciplinary measure to correct unwanted behavior or actions. It reinforces the power dynamic and provides a tangible consequence for the man's actions, helping him learn from his mistakes and improve his behavior.

Symbolic submission: The act of writing lines can be a symbolic representation of the man's submission to the woman. It reinforces the power dynamic and allows the submissive to demonstrate obedience and submission through a physical task.

Mindfulness and focus: Writing lines requires concentration and focus, which can help the man practice mindfulness and be present in the moment. It can encourage him to focus on the lesson or behavior he needs to address, allowing for deeper reflection and understanding.

Reinforcement and memorization: By repeatedly writing out lines, the man reinforces the desired behavior or lesson. The act of physically writing can help ingrain the lesson in his mind, making it more memorable and improving the chances of behavior modification.

Communication and connection: The punishment of writing lines can serve as a form of communication and connection between the dominant and submissive partners. It reinforces the power exchange dynamic, establishes clear boundaries and expectations, and can strengthen the bond between the partners through shared experiences and mutual understanding.

Discipline and accountability: Writing lines can serve as a means of enforcing discipline and holding the man accountable for his actions or behaviors. It provides a tangible consequence for his actions and can help him reflect on his behavior.

Reflection and self-awareness: Writing lines can give the man time to reflect on his actions, consider the consequences, and think about alternative behaviors. It promotes self-awareness and encourages him to take responsibility for his actions.

Communication and power dynamics: Within a domestic discipline or power exchange context, writing lines can be a form of communication between a dominant and a submissive. It reinforces the power dynamic, establishes boundaries, and reinforces the man's role and obedience.

And here are a few reasons why I find it wonderful when my man submits to me:

Relationship dynamics: In my relationships, a power exchange dynamic can bring balance and harmony. When a man willingly submits to his wife, it can establish clear roles and responsibilities, reducing conflicts or power struggles. It can create a sense of structure and stability within the relationship.

Emotional connection: The act of his submission to me deepens the emotional connection between us. It requires trust, vulnerability, and open communication, fostering a sense of intimacy and understanding. The power exchange dynamic provides a framework for me and my partner to explore and meet each other's needs on a deeper level.

Mutual satisfaction: In a dominant wife/submissive husband dynamic, both partners can find satisfaction in their respective roles. The wife enjoys the sense of control and leadership, while the husband derives pleasure from fulfilling his wife's desires and experiencing the thrill of submission.

Personal growth and self-discovery: Engaging in a submissive role within a relationship can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. It can help the man explore his own desires, boundaries, and identity, leading to a better understanding of himself. At the same time this dynamic allows me to explore my own desires and gives me the framework for being courageous enough to go for my own needs.

Things are finally great

It seems like I have finally found my place here in the US. 

I am happy and content and generally feel very optimistic. My new job as a nanny for a lovely toddler is exactly what I needed. I spend a lot of time outside, on the beach and on playgrounds. I have met a very nice group of other nannies and I am actually looking forward to go to work. I feel like things have finally fallen into place. 

I will be in Germany soon, but just for a few days, to go to court in the only law case that I am still working on. I am fine with transitioning into being a nanny now and giving up law at least for now.

The relationship with my husband is great. We are both happy to have each other and people tell us that we are a cute couple :-)

I have not put a lot of effort into my pro domme carreer yet, frankly because I did not have the time and I felt like 'things" were not as easy and as flowing as I had hoped they would be. A lot of potential clients had a problem with me not living in the center of NYC/ right in Manhattan and were reluctant to drive an hour to see me. I understand where they are coming from, and I am ok with it. I have always seen myself as special and I dont feel a need to compete with the big Manhattan dungeons. I am very sure that the right men will find me and come to me. It has always worked for me , only sometimes it takes a while :-)  

If you wanna support me on my journey, buy my "Endless punishment lines" book on amazon and leave a nice review.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BRDCP3CL

I know it is not a masterpiece as far as the graphic design is concerned...And I do realize that you could download it for free here on my blog somewhere. But it would mean a lot to me if one or two of you could write a friendly amazon review, to enhance the traffic a bit.

"Please don't blog about me"

Quick hi to let you know that I am still around :-)

Unfortunatelly, there is not much left for me to blog about, because all men I interact with tell me: "Please don't blog about me. Dont mention me, don't make a reference to me, nothing!"

These demands make it impossible for me to write about kinky stuff that I am experiencing. The man is an important part in my experience, and me being forced to not bring up the man at all feels quite limiting and restricting.

And quite honestly: It makes me feel pretty sad that the men even feel a need to put that restriction on me. It triggers old feelings of not being seein. My point is: These men, they can and sometimes are following me here on my blog for over a decade. 

I present myself as vulnerable as possible. There is a discrepancy right from the beginning, with me being vulnerable and them being anonymous. But that's ok, I can generally deal with it. Making myself vulnerable is usually a good way of showing the other person: you can show your vulnerability too, to let them know: you are safe with me.

When I meet a guy and have him over my knee and spank him, I assume that he feels safe with me. I assume that he trusts me. I assume that he knows that I would never do anything to intentionally cause him pain. But we all know it is not smart to assume stuff, lol.

I feel like: When the men tell me not to blog about them, they are also telling me: "I dont trust you to keep me safe." And that feels strange to me, in light of them knowing who I am and them knowing my deepest thoughts that I am publishing here on the blog for years now.

I think in the future I might need to create a different disciplinarian website. So that there is no link between my disciplinarian facets and my personal blog here. That's strange in a way, because pretty much all men who contact me want a personal and authentic relationship with the woman who spanks them. But at the same time it is my experience that too much personal knowledge of my private life can be a disadvantage.

We will see what the future brings. I had a very promising encounter with a guy recently. I have to be vague here, but the gist of it is: I like him and I watched him getting caned  and spanked heavily. It was in an FM/M scenario and I had a lot of fun. He does not know who I am, and does not know this blog here. I told him I write a sex blog, he wanted the adress, but I did not give it to him. 

spanking anybody?

 A lot has happened for me over the last year. It was a rollercoaster for sure. Sooo many ups and downs.

The biggest, and probably most interesting, change is that I have finally made the decision to be a pro disciplinariam. Yes, seriously, I made the step into the professional disciplinarian world. And I LOVE it.

When I started this blog, I was searching for love. And through this blog I have actually found love. So far so good.

Over the years I had to learn though that it can be pretty complicated for me, to combine my love for a partner with my kinky needs. 

For a while I thought I would give up the kink completely, but in 2022 I finally had the courage to enter unfamiliar territory and to offer my services to paying clients. And it was a HUGE revelation for me. I suddenly realized that being a pro disciplinarian allows me to shower the men with warmth and care and affection while it also gives me the opportunity to bring my strict, demanding and relentless side to surface.

I feel completely in my element and  emotionally "at home" when I have a man over my knees. And even my English is now good enough to give a proper scolding while spanking a man. :-)

In the past I thought I need the man to be in love with me, in order for me to feel ok to give him my "special care". But now I know that I dont need to be loved by the man. The fact that he is courageous enough to go over my knees and put himself in such a vulnerable position, the fact that he trusts me with his ego and his butt, is enough for me to get in the right mood. The fee that the man pays to me is an added bonus for me to feel respected and appreciated.

I am telling you, it is suddenly so easy. I feel completey at ease with the whole situation.

I did not set up a website yet. Not sure if I even going to do it. I  handle this new role the same way I have handled my blog. I keep it open for the right people and trust the universe that the right people will find me. So far, I cant complain at all. :-)

So what I am saying is: If you have played with the idea to finally get a spanking, or finally get a spanking again, you dont have any excuse now anymore. You guys have been following me for over a decade now, you know by now that I am legit. Send me an email and we can see if we can make a spanking happen.

Do I hear the question: "Location?"

New York City, New York, USA  :-)

A female led relationship

I received the following email recently and realized that I am not promoting my book enough :-) 

I stumbled across your book on Amazon, A Female Led Relationship, and really enjoyed it. The writing is so clean and direct that it makes the story more powerful and effective. I hope you write another!

I am sure you referred in your blog to the Amazon book at some point, but I guess I missed it, so it was a pleasant surprise. I am sure you have been told this before, but in light of all the male-centered fantasy that is out there in the area of female domination, it is very helpful to know that there is a very real, “regular” woman out there who sincerely likes the dynamic as much as I do.

So, for all of you who havent read the book yet: 

Here is the link, go and get it.  :-) 

"A female led relationship" by Tina Engelmann