fair/ unfair punishments and trauma

 I read the following statement on fetlife a few days ago, and it gave me a lot of food for thought:

I realise it's not for everyone, but sometimes I like receiving punishments which are not "fair" - perhaps dished out on a whim, or because the disciplinarian is a bad mood, or just because they can. I find it appealing that I can be interrupted from a perfectly innocent activity: spanked at any moment; if I'm watching TV, I might suddenly be blindfolded; if I'm chatting with other littles, I might suddenly have a dummy shoved in my mouth so I then have to stay silent. If punishment is only the result of being "naughty", this gives me too much control as the little.

I pondered these words a lot. And I realized how closely linked it is to what I am doing constantly in my life.

I understand now: I am constantly afraid to be punished unfairly. I am constantly on edge. I am constantly trying to please the people in my life, in order to prevent them from unfairly scolding me/yelling at me/ criticising me and punishing me.

I have been exposed to unfair / unpredictable treatment and adult behavior from a very early age on.

And now I am always trying to guess or learn or feel what another person is doing/feeling/intending to do, in order to keep myself out of harms way. 

I am scared shitless of doing the 'wrong " thing. I am scared of making a mistake. I am scared of causing problems or -God help me-, even causing troubles.

The older I get, the more I understand how much I have been traumatized when I was young. I always knew that there is a lot going on in my family of origin, and I always understood that I was a parentified child, taking care of the needs of the adults, but it took me years to grasp how deeply I was effected by the drama around me.

When I entered my first sexual relationship, I had this constant fear that I might do something that pisses the guy off. It felt like I was walking trough a field of landmines. I was never sure when he would explode. And it was completely unpredictable. I never knew what could trigger him. And this feeling never left me. 

And still today I am constantly in fear. My german shrink has asked me often: "what are you afraid of?" but I could not give her a satisfactory reply. I know my husband loves me. I think basically I am afraid NOT to please my partner, and that as a consequence he might punish me emotionally. 

The more I look into it and into myself, the more I understand how much I am hurting. I stumbled accross a great blog by Dr Arielle Schwartz, a psychologist, in which she writes about the "fawn response". 

And when I read her words , it felt like she is expressing exactly what I am feeling but what I wasnt able to put into words so far. After reading what she wrote, I wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: yes, exactly, that is it! Finally somebody understands what I am going through. Finally somebody puts the unspeakable into words

She says:

 When a child learns to cope by taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that child is relying on a defense structure, termed the “fawn” response which has been widely discussed by Pete Walker in his book on Complex PTSD. The fawn response involves trying to appease or please a person who is both a care provider and a source of threat. Examples of fawning include:

“I hoped that by caring for them they might care for me.”

“I never showed my true feelings for fear of retaliation.”

“I was always walking on eggshells; I never knew when they would explode”

“I had to shapeshift myself depending upon their mood.”

When engaging a fawn response, an individual bypasses their own needs and in some cases, sense of identity, for the sake of attending to the needs of others. In adulthood, an unresolved fawn response might lead to patterns of people pleasing or co-dependence, in which one continues to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of maintaining relationships.

Physiologically, a fawn response involves reading the social and emotional cues of others to attend to and care for their needs. Fawning also involves disconnecting from body sensations, going “numb” and becoming “cut off” from your own needs. 

 Here on this blog, I wrote often how difficult it is for me to feel connected with my own needs and to get my own needs met. And even when I opened the blog, and when I chose the name:" the strong woman", it only shows that already back then I felt like I HAD to be strong. 

In a way I am very relieved now, because I finally know what is going on inside me.

F/M domination

I stumbled accross the following video and it reasonated well with me. I like the dynamic it depicts. It is not brutal, it is mostly mental, and the guy could get up easily. But he stays, because he wants to, because she wants him to.

I always loved the idea of a guy enduring something for me. In my life, I am too quick to take on responsibility and to prevent the other person from actually doing something for me. 

The kink is the only place where I feel safe enough to actually demand from a man to do something for me. In the other aspects of my life I tend to just ask nicely for things, and if the guy declines, I tend to accept it.

Great F/M clip

The endless punishment lines booklet

Finally available for your sweet suffering: Endless punishment lines

 It took me a while to get back to it, but here we go.

As I have already told you: Over the years a lot of submissive men have shared with me how hard it is for them to get their submissive needs met. And how especially difficult it is to get these needs met when the craving is the strongest. 

I am speaking about the times when all you can think about is the kink. When you wish somebody would be available to engage in the things that you are craving most. When you surf the web and look on random bdsm porn, in order to find something good, but nothing really hits your kinky spot. Porn can be hot and good, but it cannot compete with the feeling in your stomach when you are being dominated in a kinky context in real life.

And I have reflected a lot about how to solve that problem. 

I am great at solving problems, lol, I really am. ;-)

I came up with a brand new system. It's a system that I developed for the readers of this blog only. I am posting once in a while on other sites on the internet, but I realized that what we have going on here is something special.  You all and I, over the last decade, we created our own lil niche here, our own safe haven. This blog is usually only found by friendly and big hearted individuals. Therefore I am making you a limited offer that you won't find anywhere else.

I set up a 20 page long endless punishment lines booklet for you guys. Drop me a line (diestarkefrau (at) yahoo.com) and I will send it to you for free. 

You can play with it as you like and /or decide that you are not interested in it. That's perfectly fine. I know that what I am offering is not for everybody.

Btw: for those of you who are thinking: "damn, I am just not into writing lines, this is just not for me" Let me tell you: the lines are only the means to an intense feeling. I could not care less about lines too. But I do care A LOT about the feelings that these lines can evoke. The lines are a perfect means to feed those underused submissive feelings in you. Your brain might tell you: "sigh, writing lines, that is so damn boring", but your stomach will tell you in uncertain terms: "wow, here I am, completely out of control, punished like a little boy, disciplined by a strong german woman, and entirely at her mercy. She has the power to tell me what to do, namely writing these frigging lines, and she has the power to release me from it again."

Anyway, enough of trying to explain the obvious, lol.

For those of you who ARE interested in the real deal, the "fun" starts now:

Assuming you have received my booklet, printed it out, and you have decided that you deserve to be punished, here are the rules:

    1. Send an email to "diestarkefrau@yahoo.com", give me your first name,  let me know that you deserve to be punished, and tell me why you deserve punishment.

    2. Wait till I actually give you permission to write for me. Once you have my permission: start writing. I might give you a specific number of lines to write, or not. Please note: The lines need to be written in your best handwriting.  I don't accept sloppy handwriting.

    3. You are not allowed to have any distraction while you work for me. No tv or music in the background, no playing with your phone and no playing with yourself.

    4. When you are done with the assigned lines, or when you want to stop writing, send me an email and ask for permission to stop writing now. You might get my permission or not. If not, you have to keep writing.

    6. It is my prerogative to determin how many lines you have to write for me.

    7.Once you are finished with your lines, take pictures of your writing and send the pics to me for approval.

    8. If I like your work, your punishment is over. If I don't like it, I will make you redo it.

I will keep this offer up for as long as I seem fit and for as long as I am having fun with it. It is a gift from me to you. 

However, if you decide to start writing for me, I need a pinky promise from you that you are actually following through with it. If you think a pinky promise is too much to ask, I also gladly accept amazon gift cards.

Countdown to: Endless punishment lines

Over the years a lot of you have written to me and told me, how hard it is to get their submissive needs met. 

And how hard it is to get them met at the times when they are actually the strongest and when the hornyness is taking over your whole body and your mind... ;-)

What to do in these times, when all you can do is thinking about your submissive cravings, but when there seems to be no real outlet for it?

Of course, there is always internet porn available, and your own hand... But it is so much easier to experience real submissive moments when a second person is involved.

Not all of us live in a happy female led relationship, I am well aware of this. Relationships can be complicated and it is not always easy to find a partner who is interested in the kink and /or is willing to feed your submissive needs.

And I totally understand that contacting a random professional dominatrix is not only expensive, but also does it lack one important and hot aspect: a random dominatrix does not have a personal relationship with you.

From what I have been told, most of you want to be dominated by somebody who is honestly interested in you as a person. For most of you guys the appeal is in being dominated by somebody who sees you as a person, and who actually does care about you.

I have thought about these questions a lot. I am telling you, I am the most service oriented domme that you will ever find in this whole world, lol.

I have come up with a great idea that will help you through these "hard" moments. :-)

Stay tuned, more to follow soon.

good lines, anybody?

 I am so happy that I am finally feeling energetic and happy again. My old bubbly self has come to surface again and I am full of hopes and ideas for my future. I am still not sure which direction I am going to take in my life, but I can report that the old strong woman is back :-)

I am pondering job options from getting into the american legal field, to opening my own home decluttering business to getting a random 9 to 5 job or becoming a pro domme. As you can see, lol, I am really still at the brain storming phase. There are soooo many options, lol. 

But now, without further ado,  lets talk about a more interesting subject:  Namely writing lines in the F/M context.

I am working on a little kinky side project at the moment, (I will tell you more about it in one of the next posts), and I am wondering:  when it comes to writing (punishment) lines for your wife/lady/domme, what is a line that worked for you? I mean: what is a good line that triggers all the right good spots in your heart, mind and dick?

Write it down in the comments or send me a short email.

naked, vulnerable and happy

The bar exam and all its related stress is over, I have finally emotionally arrived in the US and I am feeling more self confident and empowered than I have felt in a long time.

When I started this blog more than 11 years ago, my focus was on 2 things: 

1. To find a man who loves me 

and 

2. to live out my kinky side with that man, aka having a female led relationship

As you all know, my journey into the female led relationship world has been quite a rollercoster, with many ups and downs. But I can report that I have succeeded in both aforementioned goals. :-) And not only that, it feels like an added bonus that I "found" you all and the great community that we are. I  feel very very blessed indeed.

The things that I actually did pray for 11 years ago when I opened my blog, these things have become my reality now.  And I am wondering sometimes: is this really true? Did I really make all that happen? This is all too good to be true. :-)

Over the years, with the help of many wonderful, brave and submissive men, I have finally learned to express my own needs in  a relationship. In the past, ( as you all know, lol), even when I was interacting in a femdom context with a man, I was way too often focused on his needs. 

But now it seems like I have finally overcome that pattern and I am loving my new life immensly.

I have become so much more self confident, I am amazed about myself, lol.

Stripping myself off of my German lawyer job/identity was one of the most courageous moves I have ever done. Being a lawyer was like an armour for me. Like a protection that makes it impossible for the world to hurt me. 

I was always very fine with seeing men in my life/ in  my relationships naked and vulnerable, and it was always MY pleasure to tell them that it is ok to be naked and vulnerable. But for myself I had different standards. I did not allow myself to show the nakedness and vulnerability that I demanded from the submissive men in my life. But this all has changed now. Giving up my identity as a lawyer and cutting the chords with Germany was so frigging difficult for me that I thought: well, I might as well do a complete job and get rid of some other " emotional armour" too.

Since then I am so much more emotionally vulnerable in my marriage, I am surprising myself on a daily basis.  :-) And the great thing is: Me being vulnerable around my husband helps him in being vulnerable around me (again) too. 

As a couple we had experienced what many of you guys experienced too: It was hard to keep the kink alive when the unsexy real life took over. But now , with my new found energy and confidence, our kink life is finally great again. I touch him constantly and ( among else..lol) "force him" into public displays of affection that had been unthinkable just a little while ago.

If you take away just one thing from my blog post today: Keep the dream alive. Be persistent. Dont give up. It is all so worth it. After so many years of search and trial and errors, I finally found what I was always looking for: A happy life in a female led relationship with a husband who loves me.

bar brain

 The bar exam is finally over, and what can I say,...it was TOUGH!

It's hard to find words for it, it feels like I spent the two bar exam days in a trance like state.

It was super super super stressful. 

The essays were easier than I thought, or better: they were doable. Even though challenging. 

The first day started at 11 AM time and ended at 9PM my time. It was tough to go through it, but ok. I sort of knew what I was doing. The questions on the essays seemed familiar enough so that I could actually answer them and write something. I never had a moment of: "WTF? I have no clue." 

But on the second day, I was already emotionally exhausted from the first day, I was surprised by the difficulty of the questions. 

The multiple choice questions were very very hard. The challenge was to stay focused for soooooo long. I had done about 1200 of these questions in preparation, but ' in hindsight' I should have done twice as many.

There were many very long questions, and it took me endlessly to just read them. Me not being a native speaker was definitely a disadvantage, lol. 

A lot of people were facing computer problems with the examplify computer program. I was pretty lucky, and my screen only froze once. I called the emergency tech guy and he helped me to unfreeze the sceen, but it was all a bit crazy.

And not to forget:  the camera was on all the time and I wasnt allowed to move much and I could not even take a sip of water during the testing and it was generally just a very very very stressful two days.

I am very glad that I can relax now.

The results will be out in November.

My timing was pretty perfect. The day after the exam was my birthday and I had a wonderful calm and fun day with my husband and a friend.

Now my brain is slowly getting back into normal mode. But bar brain is a real thing, lol.

corner time and bar exam preparation

 Hi everybody,

many of you have contacted me in the last weeks and asked how I am doing. I did  not reply much (if at all...) to these emails, but today I will give you all an update and answer some of the most asked questions. 

I am feeling emotionally pretty stable. My depression has gotten better. Thank goodness.

I am gonna write the California bar exam on 7/27 and 7/28. It will be a remote exam, I can actually take it from my bedroom. 

I did not take a bar preparation course. One reason for it was that I did not want to invest the thousands and thousands of $$$ that these companies charge, and furtermore I know from my german bar exam experience that I learn best alone.

I am however once in a while participating in a zoom group study session with a very fine teacher.

Even though there is not really much at stake for me,  I am not even sure if I even want to work as a lawyer in the US, nevertheless the nervous energy of the people who are trying to pass the bar exam has fully reached me. I am nervous as hell. I dont even know why I am that nervous, lol, but I am. I guess the exam triggers all sorts of fears and believes. I dont wanna fail. On the exam and or in life in general. I want to pass this frigging exam. 

As many of you know, the workload for the bar exam is massive. And the fact that English is not my first language is not helping. I can definitely feel that my language skills have improved in the last weeks, but nevertheless I am seeing a lot of words that I had never seen before in my life.

Anyway, in less than a week it will be over. :-)

In preparation for the exam, we had to take a couple of mock exams. Which leads me to the subject of "corner time". I have never actually been sent to a corner. And I know for a fact now that I wont ever want to experience it, lol.

As I said, we had to take the mock exams and these exams were pure hell.  Think of being forced to do a fond of writing exercise, while on a camera and an angry mistress is watching you. This is exactly what I experienced, lol. 

I had to stay in front of the computer for 90 minutes, the camera was on , everything I did or not did was recorded and will be recorded for eternity, I guess.  My face had to be in the center of the frame, I was not alllowed to look somewhere else, I was not allowed to speak, I was not allowed to stand up and stretch, I was not allowed to even drink a sip of water. All I had to do was sitting in front of the camera, answering super hard questions, and writing legal essays in a foreign language. It was pure hell. 

I am following a few guys on fetlife, guys who are into writing endless lines as punishment and who get sent to a corner regularly if they missbehave. It is hot in theory, lol, but my bar exam corner time was unpleasant as fuck. I remember thinking: what, my fetlife friends are actually CRAVING these feelings?  ;-)

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck. I will be back here on July 29. In the meantime I will be studying, studying, studying. :-)