Sad but true. The end of my kinky life

I have always been open here on my blog. And the following post follows that tradition. 

It is not easy to share it with you , but I think it is an important development in my life and in my journey into kink.

Here is the gist of it:

Before I opened the blog, I did not have a sexual relationship or a kinky encounter with any man.

I was a virgin, both sexually and as far as the kink goes.

The first years are well documented here on my blog.

Then I fell in love with a man who seemed to like the kink. We had good times and we decided to marry. I played with open cards right from the beginning. Everything was on my blog. I didnt hide my sexual preferences.

The  vanilla aspects of our marriage are good. People are telling us we are a great couple.

In the marriage he let me know verbally and through actions that he is not interested in doing kinky stuff with me any longer.   

He still likes the kink, but not doing anything with me.  

Well, the question I was facing was: "what now?"

I tried for a while to make him change his mind, but I did not succeed. And me begging him to please let me dominate him is pretty much the least erotic scenario for me.

He made clear that he isnt interested in any kinky activity with me (anymore).

A couple of weeks ago I made one last effort, I dressed up nicely, looked at him with mischief and told him: "Get dressed, let's get a room for a few hours." He stayed on the couch saying: "I am not coming."

So now I am living with a husband who I love and who (allegedly) loves me, but who doesnt give a shit about my sexual desires.

I was never interested in having  a boyfriend on the side, or a slave  or somebody who  enjoys being bossed around just for the fun of it. 

And I dont even see a way for me to get my sexual needs met. My husband is not into me/the things I am offering sexually. And me, I dont want a 3rd person involved. It just sucks.

I did the coaching thing recently, it was fun for a while, but one of the guys was not happy with it/me, (I think), and it triggered me badly. So I stopped that.

I dont have any hope anymore to ever get my kink needs fulfilled. 

The two men I love or loved stopped doing it with me and I lost all my hope.

All I am doing is masturbating to porn.  My life as a dominant woman has ended .  

Oh and it is the pandemic, I still havent found a job in the US, and am feeling alone in a foreign country.... but that is a different story.                           

Bar exam news

 Here is the promised update regarding the bar exam.

I am gonna take the exam in February again. It will be held in person, not remotely anymore.

It is gonna be quite an undertaking to fly to California and write the exam under covid restriction rules and with masks on. I am not looking forward to it. But hey, it is what it is, I brought this on myself. It would have been so much easier if I had passed the exam in July.

Some of you have offered to support me, and it is much appreciated. 

There is one thing I really need right now and I am throwing it out there to you, thinking/hoping that  it will resonate with one of you.

If you feel like you want to make a positive difference in my life, it would be awesome if you could get me an adapti bar access. I would not ask for it if I did not think it would really help me.

https://www.adaptibar.com/

The lawyers among you know what it is. And for all the non lawyers, it is a collection of about 2000 relevant bar exam questions. Ideally, in February, I will know the answers to all these questions. The adapti bar access till February costs 395 Dollar.

I was hoping to be able to just buy it myself, but things did not work out as I had hoped. So, if you feel like supporting me is something that you are considering doing, now is really THE perfect time to do it. 

Thanks to all of you who are rooting for me and following me on my journey.

Let's make December the best month of this year

 It is December already. It's hard to believe for me. The year went by sooo quickly. 

A little while ago I offered my "strong woman accountability coaching". The right people found me and the result was even better than I expected. It is one of the most fun, personal, productive and fulfilling things I have done in quite some time. 

It is a real win-win situation. I get the opportunity of doing what I am best at, namely being helpful, supportive, caring but also dominant and in control. And the guys get someone who is looking out for them, who wants them to succeed in whatever  goal they want to reach, but someone who is also demanding, strict and who holds them accountable. 

I am one of the most understanding persons you will ever meet, I can empathize with pretty much everybody, but if I think it is for your own best, I can also be unexpected stern and unwavering. 

I wish you could just ask the guy who has to do a certain amount of steps a day for me. He has to get them in even on a day where he sat in a plane for hours and arrived at a location where it was already cold and snowing. You bet he wanted to relax with a nice beer in his hand on the couch and just unwind when he arrived home. But instead he had to go out and make sure he got the steps in for me. Do I need to tell you that he couldn't have the beer either? He is older than me, but he needs my permission if he wants to drink alcohol. He might get it or not. It is not up to him anymore. 

I know, you want to know more about what I am doing in my coaching. But there is no one size fits all template for my coaching. Basically what I am doing is: I am listening to the man and we are deciding together what he is looking for, what he needs, what is the best for him and how to reach that goal. I am taking control in that aspect of the man's life. 

It is a matter of honor and trust. I obviously would not know if he does something I didnt allow him to do.  But I can report that so far my experience has been more than wonderful. If I accept somebody under my coaching care, we both understand what we are signing up to. The men in my life are not interested in playing childish games, and neither am I.

Generally speaking: The guys and I created an environment where losing weight, and /or working out more and /or drinking less alcohol and/or  meditating more and /or being more productive and/or practicing better self care is easier than ever.

It made me realized again that having an accountability coach/friend/domme is super helpful in finally getting the courage  and  strength to tackle the challenges you always wanted to tackle. 

And for me it is a real pleasure to see somebody blossom under my care.

I know a few of you are thinking: "But Tina, the $599 is a lot of money for 4 weeks coaching." I do understand where you are coming from. But I also know what I am bringing to the table. I am well aware that what I am offering is not for everybody. And that's ok. My blog will still be here for everybody and I will continue posting stuff for free. 

With the beginning of December I have one spot available again. If you think my accountability coaching is the push in the right direction that you have been waiting for, just send me an email.

Bar Exam

Just received the info. 

So sad. 

 Dear "Tina Engelmann", 

The Committee of Bar Examiners regrets to inform you that you were unsuccessful on the July 2021 California Bar Examination.

private F/M accountability coaching

 I have been playing a lot with "line writing" in the last months. The "endless punishment lines" that I offered a few weeks ago were just one aspect of it.  

Btw, if you wondered how it went: There were mixed result, to be honest. It was to be expected because of the open format that I had chosen. And I was pretty overwhelmed with the amount of men who contacted me and wanted to write lines for me. Which is also due to me having had it open for everybody.

 Anyway, as I said,  sometimes it worked out perfectly for the guy and for me, and we both had a great experience and I received some wonderful lines. But sometimes our timing was just off and it is fair to say that the lines sometimes didn' t meet the man's or my expectation. I learned that it is necessary to do a thorough pre-screening with the men, in order to actually make it a great experience for both of us.

It showed once again that "writing lines" is never actually about writing lines. It is about dominance and submission, about needs, and feeling understood and cared for, and about a specific feeling in the belly that words can hardly describe but that everybody who once experienced it immediately recognizes.

I like words and I like writing. I am doing a 12 weeks program right now in which I am writing 3 pages everyday in the morning. I am in week 5 now and it is super beneficial for me. Writing can be a great tool to unclutter the mind, to get a better picture of one's own feelings and to come up with creative solutions to a problem.

Over on fetlife I am in a couple of groups where F/M "line writing enthusiasts" gather. I enjoy reading about other peoples experiences and about their journeys. 

There is one aspect though that sort of "destroys" the whole line writing experience for me. And that is when a man uses the lines to get the "wonderful feeling in the belly" that I mentioned above ( and it might not only be a good feeling in his belly, but also in his cock, lol) but when the man at the same time uses the lines as a means to avoid real life responsibilities. 

In my understanding, making a man write lines is one way in a female led relationship to convey a clear message, to set a boundary, to tell the man: "stop. Whatever you are doing ends here and now." It is a means to let the man know: "you overstepped a line. I am not ok with what you did and I wont have any of it anymore."

It is a somewhat harmless, but efficient means to help him change his course and to tell him: "I want you to think about what you have done." 

When my ex boyfriend actually sent me the 200 lines of "Tina doesn't like to be kept waiting", it was one of the greatest feelings in the world for me. And when he said bashfully to me one day "Look, this is the table where I wrote the lines for you" my love for him got stronger and stronger. 

Over the years though I have encountered quite a few men though who use the lines like candy. They use it for the quick high and they get hooked on the nice submissive feeling that being made to write lines can evoke. And in order to get more and more of that submissive feeling, they write more and more lines. But there is no nutritious message in the lines they write. The lines become a way to NOT deal with real life. The lines help them to stay stuck in their life. 

And for me, with such line writing "lovers", there comes a point where the line writing looses its appeal. 

I see my calling in life in helping other people to grow. I am a natural helper and healer. I find it wonderful to see a person blossom right in front of me. I find it very hard to watch somebody being stuck in a situation and seeing him not willing to change.

My intellectual brain understands that you cannot force anybody into growing. But my female dominant side thinks it is super off turning. I want to see the man let his light shine. I want the man to succeed. And I am enjoying his success as if it was mine.

(There are so many wonderful men among my readers, ... I wish I could tell you more about them. Pediatricians, lawyers, scientists, artists, doctors, pastors, carpenters, bodyguards, ,... the list is huge. And I am thinking at all of you with deep gratitude. You have made my life so much better and so much more meaningful.)

I get pleasure out of helping people to reach the next step in their life. I have had many wonderful and submissive men in my life. And helping them to move forward in life has always been the icing on the cake for my motherly disciplinarian soul.

Therefore, if I can sense that a man is getting too much pleasure out of writing lines, he can be sure that he will not write a single word for me in the foreseeable future. Instead I will come up with more fitting and unpleasant ways to bring my points across to him.

I remember one guy I had under my wings for a while. A successful businessman and political advisor in the US. He was very much into working out and going to the gym daily. When I really wanted to make an impact, I bared him from working out. Let me just say: He hated it and his behavior improved very quickly. ;-)

I am at a point in my life now where I want to have an impact on the people around me again, especially on you guys from my blog, who have been with me for over a decade now.

So now, let/s get serious here. I know that some of you are stuck in their position  for way too long. Change is long overdue. It is only 2 more months until  the new year begins. 

I am asking you:

How long do you want to wait to get in better physical shape? 

How long do you want to wait to finally reduce your alcohol intake?

How long do you want to wait to start a healthier dietary regime?

When are you finally going to publish the book that you have started but not finished yet?

When are you starting the daily meditation that you have been wanting to do for years?

When are you ready to tackle the challenges that you have been avoiding so long?

Life can be overwhelming. Panic, anxiety and procrastination can make difficult situations even more challenging. For so many of you it is unbelievably hard to ask for help, and instead of acting and creating, you start to react only. That is so sad. And I have always seen my role here on the blog as well as in life as somebody who offers a safe haven, where your feelings are ok and where it is ok to show vulnerability.

Whatever you are struggling with, I am here to help you. Taking control of your problem feels overwhelming and you really just want someone else to take care of it for you?  I hear you, my friend, I hear you.

There is no time to waste anymore. It is time for accountability. And I am here to be your accountability coach. I will teach you that you got what it takes to deal with the challenges you are facing or the problem you are stuck with for so long already.

Sometimes it takes courage to deal with the challenging "stuff" in your life. I will guide you through it. A new pair of fresh eyes who look at your situation can help you to see things differently. I am on your side. I will help you to find solutions that you could not come up with earlier. 

We set a goal together and a time when you are expected to reach that goal. You will be accountable to me for the next 4 weeks. During that time we will be in regular contact and I expect to be updated  constantly. At the beginning of our time working together, a personal action plan will be prepared with you that is comprehensive and easy to follow. 

I will be giving you a lot of energy, care, advise and discipline. The details will be discussed in the beginning of our arrangement, It is a very individualistic process. It will be tailored to your needs. 

I will motherly guide you through the challenges you are facing, will give you the emotional support you are looking for,  and I will be the disciplinarian you need in order to reach your goal. Yes, there will be punishment. If I can sense that you need it, I wont shy away from punishing you. And you wont like the punishments. They wont interfere with your real life obligations, but they will make sure that you know you are being under my control and that you are being punished. 

I am offering only 2 spots. Frankly because I cant take on more clients at the same time. I will be very much focused on you and  I do a lot of my work through "feeling myself into your situation", I just dont have the mental /emotional capacity for more than 2 clients at the same time.

To get one of the 2 spots send me an email ( diestarkefrau(at)yahoo.com) indicating that you are interested.

Please note: 

Pricing per spot for 4 weeks is: $599 USD

 

videos that turn me on

 I have been asked: 

"What activities, punishments, expectations drive your libido in its most erotic sense? Would you share it on your blog with us?"

Sounds like you had enough of me diving deep into my soul, lol. Ok, I hear you. Let's talk about something more fun. Here are a couple of videos that turn me on. I know that some of them are not exactly "mainstream", but hey, what can I say, they work for me.

Physical exercise with german domme

The fun thing is:  when I was a kid, we actually had a carpet like this and I remember exactly how one needed to use a certain sort of comb to  make the carpet look nice,

Here is another video that works for me. It is pretty much the same kind of scene as in the video above, but in English.

Physical exercise with strict domme

Here is another one that I like. I dont care much about dressing a guy in a dress, or sissification, but I do like the power exchange part. 

Obedience training F/M

I have always liked tickle torture. I had one boyfriend, who let me do it with him. That was a lot of fun ;-) I like the following sorts of scenes: 

Tickle torture F/M

The following video has a great dynamic, imho. It's short, but sweet. The husband wants the wife to unlock the cage:

Do you want me to unlock it?

Loving cople with husband in punishment cage:

Husband in punishment cage

This couple has been doing great videos . I wish they would still produce more. All of their videos were just amazing. Totally what I like.

F/M Loving couple. switchingg

I gotta go. TTYL

fair/ unfair punishments and trauma

 I read the following statement on fetlife a few days ago, and it gave me a lot of food for thought:

I realise it's not for everyone, but sometimes I like receiving punishments which are not "fair" - perhaps dished out on a whim, or because the disciplinarian is a bad mood, or just because they can. I find it appealing that I can be interrupted from a perfectly innocent activity: spanked at any moment; if I'm watching TV, I might suddenly be blindfolded; if I'm chatting with other littles, I might suddenly have a dummy shoved in my mouth so I then have to stay silent. If punishment is only the result of being "naughty", this gives me too much control as the little.

I pondered these words a lot. And I realized how closely linked it is to what I am doing constantly in my life.

I understand now: I am constantly afraid to be punished unfairly. I am constantly on edge. I am constantly trying to please the people in my life, in order to prevent them from unfairly scolding me/yelling at me/ criticising me and punishing me.

I have been exposed to unfair / unpredictable treatment and adult behavior from a very early age on.

And now I am always trying to guess or learn or feel what another person is doing/feeling/intending to do, in order to keep myself out of harms way. 

I am scared shitless of doing the 'wrong " thing. I am scared of making a mistake. I am scared of causing problems or -God help me-, even causing troubles.

The older I get, the more I understand how much I have been traumatized when I was young. I always knew that there is a lot going on in my family of origin, and I always understood that I was a parentified child, taking care of the needs of the adults, but it took me years to grasp how deeply I was effected by the drama around me.

When I entered my first sexual relationship, I had this constant fear that I might do something that pisses the guy off. It felt like I was walking trough a field of landmines. I was never sure when he would explode. And it was completely unpredictable. I never knew what could trigger him. And this feeling never left me. 

And still today I am constantly in fear. My german shrink has asked me often: "what are you afraid of?" but I could not give her a satisfactory reply. I know my husband loves me. I think basically I am afraid NOT to please my partner, and that as a consequence he might punish me emotionally. 

The more I look into it and into myself, the more I understand how much I am hurting. I stumbled accross a great blog by Dr Arielle Schwartz, a psychologist, in which she writes about the "fawn response". 

And when I read her words , it felt like she is expressing exactly what I am feeling but what I wasnt able to put into words so far. After reading what she wrote, I wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: yes, exactly, that is it! Finally somebody understands what I am going through. Finally somebody puts the unspeakable into words

She says:

 When a child learns to cope by taking care of the parent’s emotional needs, that child is relying on a defense structure, termed the “fawn” response which has been widely discussed by Pete Walker in his book on Complex PTSD. The fawn response involves trying to appease or please a person who is both a care provider and a source of threat. Examples of fawning include:

“I hoped that by caring for them they might care for me.”

“I never showed my true feelings for fear of retaliation.”

“I was always walking on eggshells; I never knew when they would explode”

“I had to shapeshift myself depending upon their mood.”

When engaging a fawn response, an individual bypasses their own needs and in some cases, sense of identity, for the sake of attending to the needs of others. In adulthood, an unresolved fawn response might lead to patterns of people pleasing or co-dependence, in which one continues to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of maintaining relationships.

Physiologically, a fawn response involves reading the social and emotional cues of others to attend to and care for their needs. Fawning also involves disconnecting from body sensations, going “numb” and becoming “cut off” from your own needs. 

 Here on this blog, I wrote often how difficult it is for me to feel connected with my own needs and to get my own needs met. And even when I opened the blog, and when I chose the name:" the strong woman", it only shows that already back then I felt like I HAD to be strong. 

In a way I am very relieved now, because I finally know what is going on inside me.

F/M domination

I stumbled accross the following video and it reasonated well with me. I like the dynamic it depicts. It is not brutal, it is mostly mental, and the guy could get up easily. But he stays, because he wants to, because she wants him to.

I always loved the idea of a guy enduring something for me. In my life, I am too quick to take on responsibility and to prevent the other person from actually doing something for me. 

The kink is the only place where I feel safe enough to actually demand from a man to do something for me. In the other aspects of my life I tend to just ask nicely for things, and if the guy declines, I tend to accept it.

Great F/M clip

The endless punishment lines booklet

Finally available for your sweet suffering: Endless punishment lines

 It took me a while to get back to it, but here we go.

As I have already told you: Over the years a lot of submissive men have shared with me how hard it is for them to get their submissive needs met. And how especially difficult it is to get these needs met when the craving is the strongest. 

I am speaking about the times when all you can think about is the kink. When you wish somebody would be available to engage in the things that you are craving most. When you surf the web and look on random bdsm porn, in order to find something good, but nothing really hits your kinky spot. Porn can be hot and good, but it cannot compete with the feeling in your stomach when you are being dominated in a kinky context in real life.

And I have reflected a lot about how to solve that problem. 

I am great at solving problems, lol, I really am. ;-)

I came up with a brand new system. It's a system that I developed for the readers of this blog only. I am posting once in a while on other sites on the internet, but I realized that what we have going on here is something special.  You all and I, over the last decade, we created our own lil niche here, our own safe haven. This blog is usually only found by friendly and big hearted individuals. Therefore I am making you a limited offer that you won't find anywhere else.

I set up a 20 page long endless punishment lines booklet for you guys. Drop me a line (diestarkefrau (at) yahoo.com) and I will send it to you for free. 

You can play with it as you like and /or decide that you are not interested in it. That's perfectly fine. I know that what I am offering is not for everybody.

Btw: for those of you who are thinking: "damn, I am just not into writing lines, this is just not for me" Let me tell you: the lines are only the means to an intense feeling. I could not care less about lines too. But I do care A LOT about the feelings that these lines can evoke. The lines are a perfect means to feed those underused submissive feelings in you. Your brain might tell you: "sigh, writing lines, that is so damn boring", but your stomach will tell you in uncertain terms: "wow, here I am, completely out of control, punished like a little boy, disciplined by a strong german woman, and entirely at her mercy. She has the power to tell me what to do, namely writing these frigging lines, and she has the power to release me from it again."

Anyway, enough of trying to explain the obvious, lol.

For those of you who ARE interested in the real deal, the "fun" starts now:

Assuming you have received my booklet, printed it out, and you have decided that you deserve to be punished, here are the rules:

    1. Send an email to "diestarkefrau@yahoo.com", give me your first name,  let me know that you deserve to be punished, and tell me why you deserve punishment.

    2. Wait till I actually give you permission to write for me. Once you have my permission: start writing. I might give you a specific number of lines to write, or not. Please note: The lines need to be written in your best handwriting.  I don't accept sloppy handwriting.

    3. You are not allowed to have any distraction while you work for me. No tv or music in the background, no playing with your phone and no playing with yourself.

    4. When you are done with the assigned lines, or when you want to stop writing, send me an email and ask for permission to stop writing now. You might get my permission or not. If not, you have to keep writing.

    6. It is my prerogative to determin how many lines you have to write for me.

    7.Once you are finished with your lines, take pictures of your writing and send the pics to me for approval.

    8. If I like your work, your punishment is over. If I don't like it, I will make you redo it.

I will keep this offer up for as long as I seem fit and for as long as I am having fun with it. It is a gift from me to you. 

However, if you decide to start writing for me, I need a pinky promise from you that you are actually following through with it. If you think a pinky promise is too much to ask, I also gladly accept amazon gift cards.

Countdown to: Endless punishment lines

Over the years a lot of you have written to me and told me, how hard it is to get their submissive needs met. 

And how hard it is to get them met at the times when they are actually the strongest and when the hornyness is taking over your whole body and your mind... ;-)

What to do in these times, when all you can do is thinking about your submissive cravings, but when there seems to be no real outlet for it?

Of course, there is always internet porn available, and your own hand... But it is so much easier to experience real submissive moments when a second person is involved.

Not all of us live in a happy female led relationship, I am well aware of this. Relationships can be complicated and it is not always easy to find a partner who is interested in the kink and /or is willing to feed your submissive needs.

And I totally understand that contacting a random professional dominatrix is not only expensive, but also does it lack one important and hot aspect: a random dominatrix does not have a personal relationship with you.

From what I have been told, most of you want to be dominated by somebody who is honestly interested in you as a person. For most of you guys the appeal is in being dominated by somebody who sees you as a person, and who actually does care about you.

I have thought about these questions a lot. I am telling you, I am the most service oriented domme that you will ever find in this whole world, lol.

I have come up with a great idea that will help you through these "hard" moments. :-)

Stay tuned, more to follow soon.

good lines, anybody?

 I am so happy that I am finally feeling energetic and happy again. My old bubbly self has come to surface again and I am full of hopes and ideas for my future. I am still not sure which direction I am going to take in my life, but I can report that the old strong woman is back :-)

I am pondering job options from getting into the american legal field, to opening my own home decluttering business to getting a random 9 to 5 job or becoming a pro domme. As you can see, lol, I am really still at the brain storming phase. There are soooo many options, lol. 

But now, without further ado,  lets talk about a more interesting subject:  Namely writing lines in the F/M context.

I am working on a little kinky side project at the moment, (I will tell you more about it in one of the next posts), and I am wondering:  when it comes to writing (punishment) lines for your wife/lady/domme, what is a line that worked for you? I mean: what is a good line that triggers all the right good spots in your heart, mind and dick?

Write it down in the comments or send me a short email.

naked, vulnerable and happy

The bar exam and all its related stress is over, I have finally emotionally arrived in the US and I am feeling more self confident and empowered than I have felt in a long time.

When I started this blog more than 11 years ago, my focus was on 2 things: 

1. To find a man who loves me 

and 

2. to live out my kinky side with that man, aka having a female led relationship

As you all know, my journey into the female led relationship world has been quite a rollercoster, with many ups and downs. But I can report that I have succeeded in both aforementioned goals. :-) And not only that, it feels like an added bonus that I "found" you all and the great community that we are. I  feel very very blessed indeed.

The things that I actually did pray for 11 years ago when I opened my blog, these things have become my reality now.  And I am wondering sometimes: is this really true? Did I really make all that happen? This is all too good to be true. :-)

Over the years, with the help of many wonderful, brave and submissive men, I have finally learned to express my own needs in  a relationship. In the past, ( as you all know, lol), even when I was interacting in a femdom context with a man, I was way too often focused on his needs. 

But now it seems like I have finally overcome that pattern and I am loving my new life immensly.

I have become so much more self confident, I am amazed about myself, lol.

Stripping myself off of my German lawyer job/identity was one of the most courageous moves I have ever done. Being a lawyer was like an armour for me. Like a protection that makes it impossible for the world to hurt me. 

I was always very fine with seeing men in my life/ in  my relationships naked and vulnerable, and it was always MY pleasure to tell them that it is ok to be naked and vulnerable. But for myself I had different standards. I did not allow myself to show the nakedness and vulnerability that I demanded from the submissive men in my life. But this all has changed now. Giving up my identity as a lawyer and cutting the chords with Germany was so frigging difficult for me that I thought: well, I might as well do a complete job and get rid of some other " emotional armour" too.

Since then I am so much more emotionally vulnerable in my marriage, I am surprising myself on a daily basis.  :-) And the great thing is: Me being vulnerable around my husband helps him in being vulnerable around me (again) too. 

As a couple we had experienced what many of you guys experienced too: It was hard to keep the kink alive when the unsexy real life took over. But now , with my new found energy and confidence, our kink life is finally great again. I touch him constantly and ( among else..lol) "force him" into public displays of affection that had been unthinkable just a little while ago.

If you take away just one thing from my blog post today: Keep the dream alive. Be persistent. Dont give up. It is all so worth it. After so many years of search and trial and errors, I finally found what I was always looking for: A happy life in a female led relationship with a husband who loves me.

bar brain

 The bar exam is finally over, and what can I say,...it was TOUGH!

It's hard to find words for it, it feels like I spent the two bar exam days in a trance like state.

It was super super super stressful. 

The essays were easier than I thought, or better: they were doable. Even though challenging. 

The first day started at 11 AM time and ended at 9PM my time. It was tough to go through it, but ok. I sort of knew what I was doing. The questions on the essays seemed familiar enough so that I could actually answer them and write something. I never had a moment of: "WTF? I have no clue." 

But on the second day, I was already emotionally exhausted from the first day, I was surprised by the difficulty of the questions. 

The multiple choice questions were very very hard. The challenge was to stay focused for soooooo long. I had done about 1200 of these questions in preparation, but ' in hindsight' I should have done twice as many.

There were many very long questions, and it took me endlessly to just read them. Me not being a native speaker was definitely a disadvantage, lol. 

A lot of people were facing computer problems with the examplify computer program. I was pretty lucky, and my screen only froze once. I called the emergency tech guy and he helped me to unfreeze the sceen, but it was all a bit crazy.

And not to forget:  the camera was on all the time and I wasnt allowed to move much and I could not even take a sip of water during the testing and it was generally just a very very very stressful two days.

I am very glad that I can relax now.

The results will be out in November.

My timing was pretty perfect. The day after the exam was my birthday and I had a wonderful calm and fun day with my husband and a friend.

Now my brain is slowly getting back into normal mode. But bar brain is a real thing, lol.

corner time and bar exam preparation

 Hi everybody,

many of you have contacted me in the last weeks and asked how I am doing. I did  not reply much (if at all...) to these emails, but today I will give you all an update and answer some of the most asked questions. 

I am feeling emotionally pretty stable. My depression has gotten better. Thank goodness.

I am gonna write the California bar exam on 7/27 and 7/28. It will be a remote exam, I can actually take it from my bedroom. 

I did not take a bar preparation course. One reason for it was that I did not want to invest the thousands and thousands of $$$ that these companies charge, and furtermore I know from my german bar exam experience that I learn best alone.

I am however once in a while participating in a zoom group study session with a very fine teacher.

Even though there is not really much at stake for me,  I am not even sure if I even want to work as a lawyer in the US, nevertheless the nervous energy of the people who are trying to pass the bar exam has fully reached me. I am nervous as hell. I dont even know why I am that nervous, lol, but I am. I guess the exam triggers all sorts of fears and believes. I dont wanna fail. On the exam and or in life in general. I want to pass this frigging exam. 

As many of you know, the workload for the bar exam is massive. And the fact that English is not my first language is not helping. I can definitely feel that my language skills have improved in the last weeks, but nevertheless I am seeing a lot of words that I had never seen before in my life.

Anyway, in less than a week it will be over. :-)

In preparation for the exam, we had to take a couple of mock exams. Which leads me to the subject of "corner time". I have never actually been sent to a corner. And I know for a fact now that I wont ever want to experience it, lol.

As I said, we had to take the mock exams and these exams were pure hell.  Think of being forced to do a fond of writing exercise, while on a camera and an angry mistress is watching you. This is exactly what I experienced, lol. 

I had to stay in front of the computer for 90 minutes, the camera was on , everything I did or not did was recorded and will be recorded for eternity, I guess.  My face had to be in the center of the frame, I was not alllowed to look somewhere else, I was not allowed to speak, I was not allowed to stand up and stretch, I was not allowed to even drink a sip of water. All I had to do was sitting in front of the camera, answering super hard questions, and writing legal essays in a foreign language. It was pure hell. 

I am following a few guys on fetlife, guys who are into writing endless lines as punishment and who get sent to a corner regularly if they missbehave. It is hot in theory, lol, but my bar exam corner time was unpleasant as fuck. I remember thinking: what, my fetlife friends are actually CRAVING these feelings?  ;-)

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish me luck. I will be back here on July 29. In the meantime I will be studying, studying, studying. :-)

Letter to Wayne

Let me begin today's blog post with a comment I received. 

 You are so full of yourself!. Your arrogance is amazing. You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? They're a jerk off tool. You're a jerk off tool!. You are not as significant as you think you are. My God!

Wayne.

I have no idea who Wayne is. But I want to use this opportunity to give you all and him some insight in what is going on in my heart.

Wayne,

I wish I could tell you that I ignored your words, that they dont matter to me. But the truth is, when I received your comment I felt terrible. Your words did reach me and did hurt me a lot. 

You gotta understand: I am scared of men. 

Not in a vanilla setting, but when it comes to relationships.

For decades I had ignored the fact that I am a woman, and I walked through life as a human being only. I have totally supressed everything female in me. I went out with couples often, and it was always easy and without any problems, because the men didnt perceive me as woman and the women didnt perceive me as threat. I was totally and completely in the friend zone with litterally everybody I met. Being in the friend zone was just so much safer.

 I have learned early in my life that men are physically stronger than I am, and I have experienced the wrath of angry men. I had to learn that I dont stand a chance if a man actually wants to physically attack me. I have been yelled at countless times by a man I was in a relationship with. I have been emotionally abused by a man. I had a man yell at me from the top of his lungs: I will kill you!

I already wrote here on my blog about my father who was a pimp and treated women badly. He payed guys to punish women who had crossed him by forecfully cutting the womens hair. My father was in prison in Germany for raping his girlfriend. Back then I believed him when he said he didnt do it, but the more time passes and the clearer my head gets, the more I realize: Of course he did it.

From a legal point of view there is no doubt that he was guilty, because the woman was only 16 or 17 at the time, so she was not even able to legally consent.

I saw my step dad slapping my mom in the face.

My step dad once walked with my mom through Heidelberg, they passed a hotel and he said: "Look , wife,  that is the hotel where we spent the night at." My mom replied calmly: I have no idea who you spent the night with in that hotel, but it wasnt me.

I heard stories of my grandma, a nurse, taking care of my grandfather after he drunk so much that he needed medical attention.

Basically: Men not showing any respect to the women in their life has been a recurring theme in my life.

It is all pretty much fucked up. It sucks BIG TIME.

You say: You are so full of yourself!.

Yes, I am full of myself. Because I had to take care of myself. There was nobody else. I had to be the adult in the room when the real adults around me acted like little kids. I had to be there for my mom, because neither my dad nor my stepdad were there for her. I had to be strong for my family when the whole family system was overwhelmed by the death of my 6 months old brother. I  was there for my grandma when her husband died. I had to financially provide for all sorts of family members. I was with her when my beloved grandmother took her last breath.  I worked and took on so much responsibility that I almost collapsed under the pressure.

I honestly dont need a man in my life. I go for what I want myself. But that does not mean I am not craving the wonderfulness of a happy relationship with a man. There is a hurt little child in me , who longs for nothing more than being held and accepted and loved and cared for.

You say: "You actually think your "lines" improve a man;s life? "

Yes, sometimes they do. I cant change another persons life, obviously. But what I can do is sending out little impulses that guide him wherever his path leads him. It is like the little hurt girl in me connects with the hurt little boy in him. I sort of know intuitively what he is looking for. I mean it is not rocket science anyway, lol, most human beings search for connection, and validation. And it doesnt work with every man. 

Some guys are looking for stuff you describe. Like a quick jerk off phantasy. I totally get that. My father was like that. And all the clients who came to his brothel. I have seen more than enough of these men.

But such a guy is not the right fit for me anyway. Nothing bores me more than being a jerk off tool. This whole thing of getting tributes from men by them jerking off on a women's picture does NOTHING for me. 

You say: You are not as significant as you think you are. 

Actually I dont think I am very significant, I deal with self worth issues on a daily basis. I try to please people constantly, just because I think I have to, because I think I am not allowed to be just me, I doubt that me being me is ok and enough.

I stay firm in saying though that the submissive men who enter my life and who wrote lines for me did receive a lot from me. I gave them my undivided attention and my care. I totally tune in to them and what they might need or want.

I actually think, from the deepest bottom of my heart, that these guys are sent to me from the universe. They are here to help me to get back my trust in men again. By being submissive to me, they tell my inner child: dont be afraid of me. I am not like the other guys, I am not gonna hurt you. You are safe with me. They have helped me to heal so much over the years, And I totally see and appreciate what they are doing for me. And because what they are giving to me is so valuable to me, I make sure that I am reciprocating.

Tina 

why it is a privilege to write lines for me

Over the years a lot of men have wanted to write lines for me. That sounds pretty crazy, right? 

But I understand why they wanted to do that. We all know that there are not exactly many women out there who actually enjoy handing out and  receiving written lines.

However, only very few of the men who approached me did actually receive lines, let alone punishment lines, from me. I don't "play" when it comes to lines. They are too important to me. Not the lines, but what the lines stand for.

I really treasure the lines I receive. I still have the very first lines a man ever wrote to me. The line was "Tina does not like to be kept waiting." I had the man write that line 200 times, because, as you might have guessed, he made me wait and I did not like that :-)

When  I actually received these lines in the regular mail, years ago,  I felt like a kid on Christmas. I was overjoyed, and super happy. 

A few months later, when I actually met the man who had written these lines to me, he showed me a table in his room and said intimately: "Look, here is where I wrote the lines for you. " The lines were as important for him as they were for me.

When I moved to the US last year I pretty much got rid of all my possessions /belongings in Germany. I immigrated to the US with only one suitcase. But among all the important documents and papers that I brought with me, between law license, birth certificate and financial documents, I also brought the letter with the lines with me. That is how much I still treasure it.

From my point of view, if I "allow" a man to write lines for me, it shows that I think he is a great guy. I only invest my time in men who I think are worth my time and who deserve my time. Sure, the man has to invest much more time than me, lol, but make no mistake about it, I do invest a lot of thougths and energy in the man too.

If I have a guy write lines for me, I put a lot of thought in it. I dont want to give the man an impossible task, but I want to challenge him, and teach him a lesson, and give him that terrible but at the same time beautiful feeling in his stomach, that comes with the realization of: "She is in control now, I gotta do what she tells me to do, The thing is out of my power, I  just gotta obey."

I want him to actually learn something. About me, about himself, about life in general. I want to help him to grow. I feel like: the world is a hard and complicated enough place already. There is no sense in making life for each other even harder. I come from a standpoint of: we are all in it together. We are all doing best if we support and uplift each other. 

That is why I never hand out lines that degrade a person. I don't hand out lines that are meant to belittle the writer. I am following a guy on fetlife who had to write " I am a useless submissive, not even deserving the name "slave" ". I know, some peole get turned on a lot by having to write lines like that, but for me, it feels like: What message are you actually feeding your heart and brain with?  Can you imagine what  negative impact it might have on your psyche and on your general view of yourself if you write " I am useless" over and over and over again?

I might hand out lines like: " I better accept right away that I am a magnificent human being, full of talents, creativity and gifts." I see it as my mission in life to help other people see themselves with caring and loving eyes. It might be because my own inner self talk is so harsh and negative, I feel like: This crazyness has to stop. And because I am having troubles changing myself, lol, I set my intention on helping others to change,

For me, with the lines, it is never about the lines itself. It is always about making an impact on another person's life. It is about giving him a push in the right direction, it is about seeing himself through my eyes and helping him see what I see: namely a wonderful man who is trying his best in a challenging world.

I hand out lines to a man, for instance, if I see that he is working too hard and if I want to slow him down a bit. I want to give him a mental space to feel calm and centered again and to get away from the noise of the daily life. I give him an oportunity to connect with his true self again. All he has to do is focus on the task at hand and write the same sentence over and over again. And while he writes he can "enjoy" that certain feeling in his stomach, that tells him that for once he is out of control. His only job is to write the lines and write them neatly. 

Make no mistake about it, just because I am all nice and positive and uplifting, it doesn't mean I accept sloppy handwriting. The men who wrote for me know that. I am not hesitating to tell them to rewrite lines or the whole task, if I think he did a sloppy job.

There is a different side to line writing: I have seen men who use the line writing as an excuse to not thrive in real life. It is like writing the lines is a means for them to escape reality and to escape responsibility. They want to write more and more. They enjoy the kinky activity and the submissive feeling too much that comes with being told to sit down and write. If I see that happening I won't hand out one single line to that guy anymore. I dont see sense in actually wasting time. 

My lines and my line punishments all have an actual purpose. And the purpose is to help the man to let his light shine. (Because that is actually what I want for myself too.) If that pushes his submissive buttons: good for him, it's a win win. But if I see that all the guy is focusing on is getting his kinky buttons pushed and avoiding dealing with the real life stuff, I lose my interest in him right away.

I am in a very privileged position. I can pick and choose out of a huge pool of men who want to write for me. I have become great over the years in uncovering "reality avoiders". I am just not interested in them. 

I feel attracted to men who have a full and successful real life, who tend to work more than they "should", who really feel the pain/suffering of losing a few hours to writing lines for me. Men who can see that what I am giving to them and doing to them is much more than just telling them to write a few lines. Because what I am actually doing is caring about them.

what turns me on

First of all: Let me thank all of you who (in various forms) reached out to me in the last weeks. It was wonderful to receive so much love and support. I had been struggeling a lot and your support means very much to me.

I have somewhat stabilized, am feeling better and look a bit more optimistic into the future again. I am still seeing a shrink and she is still helping me a lot. 

I had a skin cancer scare, but thankfully the biopsy results were good.

Secondly:  My bar exam preparation is going well. I am studying and trying to get the law into my brain. The exam will be remotely held on 7/27/2021 and 7/28/2021. I am not taking a bar prep course, but am studying alone.

Thirdly:  I want to thank all of you who bought and read the "female led relationship" story on kindle. In case you missed it, here is the link again. A female led relationship. It was written at the time when I still worked on my legal thesis and is pretty personal.

 Last but not least: I did have some time to reflect about kink and the way I see things. Here are my latest findings:

What turns me on when it comes to F/M kink, loving female relationships and domestic discipline

The sight/sound of a man sobbing?

Absolutely yes. 

I still remember a day when a boyfriend had messed up BIG TIME and we had a conversation about it the next day and he started crying and apologizing to me and promising to do better in the future. I remember it as if it was today. We were sitting in the restaurant in a corner booth and he was sobbing, tears were running down his face and he was as vulnerable as I had rarely seen him.

I believed  him. I knew he was sorry. But I also felt justified in being angry at him and being no nonsense and setting my boundaries. 

The boyfriend wanted me to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible, and we rarely spoke about it ever again But secretly, in the hidden parts of my heart and brain, I know that his ability to be vulnerable around me and his ability apologize to me, and  to cry in front of me, was  a very deceisive factor for me to staying in the relationship with him. 

He felt embarrassed afterwards, and I didnt want to make it any harder for him, thats why I rarely ever brought it up again. But I am still thinking of this day very very often.

Hearing, and ignoring, please for mercy?

Hell yes, that is super hot.

The men that I am attracted to, they are all strong and independent men in real life. They know how to take care of themselves and they know how to fight their own fights. The fact that they submit to me, and that they let me decide how we are gonna proceed and/or how long an activity will last, is IMHO a huge sign of trust in me. 

Of course they want me to end whatever it is we might be doing. That's part of the power exchange, part of giving up the power. The more they want me to stop and the harder it gets for them to keep doing what they are doing, the more I enjoy it. I feel respected and seen and special and I get a feeling of: Finally I can have it my way.

For it to be hot for me, it has to be consensual though. If consensuality is lacking, the whole scenario turns from hot and sexy kink to disgusting abuse.

In my relationships, both the guy and I know that he could always just get up and leave or stop it, or prevent me from doing it, whatever it is I might be doing. And there were momensts when a guy had told me: "I am sorry, I am just not in the right frame of mind, can we please stop here". And we did. We ended whatever we were doing right away. But the appeal is in him CHOOSING to stay in the situation and CHOOSING to suffer for me. The please for mercy are a welcome indicator of what is going on inside of his head.  And it is super hot for me to say: No, we are not stopping.

In my anecdotal experience, I tend to attract men who are having a hard time expressing their feelings in words. And being given a safe environment where it is ok for them to cry and let their guards down has always been very much appreciated by my partners.

The look of terror in a man's eyes

I would never inflict real terror. 

However, within the parameters of a consesnual power exchange relationship, I love the look in a man's eyes if he realizes what I want him to do. I love the internal battle that is about to start in him. I love the way he is trying to find  a way to get out of the situation, and I love the moment he accepts that I am in charge and that - because I am in control now- I can decide what's gonna happen next.

In the way I see things, it takes balls for the man to submit to me. It is difficult to just let go and trust another human being. And I respect my partners for generaly being willing to do just that with me. 

I do understand that it is difficult to give up power and control. It is hard to do things they really preferred not to do. But I also know that in submittig to me and doing/enduring the hard things, I am offering my partners an opportunity to release tension and pent up stress and anger and suppressed feelings.

The men who enter my life know that I will always look out for them. But that doesn't mean I am not also willing to enjoy their predicament when I am asking really difficult things from them. :-) 

crazy how our brains work

I am not in a good spot emotionally. My mind is playing tricks on me and I hate it. My depression has returned full force and I am feeling pretty lost. I am talking to a shrink once a week, and she is super helpful. I don't know how I could make it without her. 

I was pretty much emotionally burned out when I arrived in the US. And in the last months I thought I had somewhat gotten back to normal, but I am realizing: I am not back to normal yet. Depression is a powerful force. Everything feels like a struggle. I feel like crying, but I don't even have tears anymore.

Everything feels stressful for me. I feel under constant time pressure. And I feel like I don't have time for all the things/projects I wanna do. I wake up with the feeling of: "Fuck, the night is over, now I gotta face another day full of struggles and pressure."

My shrink says because I had so much pressure and time pressure in the past, my brain sends me these signals now, even  though I have much more time now than I had in Germany. It's like these thoughts are engraved in my brain now.

I try to get 10 000 steps in daily, and I am trying to eat healthy, but even going for a walk or cooking feels like a burden and a chore. The fact that we are taking care of an elderly family member is not helping.

Part of my problem is that I am (or have?)  a dependent personality. Meaning: I am always focused outwards. Part of my attention, if not most of my attention, is often focused outwards. I am so tuned in to my surroundings, I can feel when other people want something, or need something. And if I can help them, I do. I am always trying to make the people around me feel good. And more often than not, I am succeeding in that goal. That is why everybody loves me. Of course they do, I am a constant source for energy and happiness for them. I am always trying to please everybody. And the result is: they are happy, and I feel like going to bed and never ever waking up.

I am pretty much at loss now with where I wanna go in my life. Getting married and moving to the USA has been my dream for so long, and now I feel like: "That's it. That's all that is. I reached my goal." And honestly: I have no idea where to go from here.

Yes, I am preparing for the bar exam, but I cannot even imagine working full time anymore. 

I know I will always make it,... somehow...., but my problem is: I am so tired, the idea of having to struggle for 40 more years is just unbearable. I don't wanna struggle anymore. I am fed up with solving problems. I am fed up with always being at peoples service, and always wondering where my next money is coming from.

I received a 100 Dollar gift from a friend the other day, and it almost made me cry. I was so thankful for his support. It felt like the universe  -through him- is throwing me a life line. For a moment I could forget what I am constantly feeling: a feeling of failure. Oh, and btw: don't think for a moment that I am enjoying asking readers of my blog for financial support. Believe me, I do not. I feel like I completely failed in my professional life. Here I am now, being forty something, and what have I show off for myself? A German law degree that brought me nothing but problems to work pro bono for.

I realized that I have to change my thinking, especially when it comes to money and charging for my services. And I can report that I have been working diligently on changing my "money beliefs". I worked on it for months and months and months, and the result is: I still don't see any results. It is all still a struggle. I can live as a minimalist, I actually enjoy being a minimalist, but this constant worrying has gotten under my skin. As it is now, I think the California bar exam isn't gonna help me either. It feels like I am doomed. Whatever I do, I will never be able to just rest and relax and calm down.

One other big source of sadness is: I realized that the door for having children is about to close. I never thought that would happen to me. I was always great with kids. I always wanted kids. It fills me with enormous sadness to realize that my own "efforts" to become a mom were in vain.

On top of it all: A friend  has finally really gotten under my skin. He is traumatized and thinks that dd and women who - in the dd context-  enjoy punishing their husband are evil. Me, with my understanding personality, I can totally see where he is coming from. I see that his point of view does make sense, given his history. But the fact that I can understand him and even feel compassion for him, makes it unbelievably difficult for me to stay on my own course. I am having problems asserting myself already. Being told now - from a smart and articulate friend-  that the thoughts I am having are not ok, that is really difficult for me.

DD and the kink has always been my way of finding emotional release. The fact that he is now taking that away from me, makes it really difficult. Sure, I can hear you think: "what does it matter to your life what he thinks?" But the thing is: Over the years I have really liked the raw honesty between him and I. And the fact that he now says that even "consensual" kink action can traumatize or re-traumatize the man, that is a big deal for me. And it is one of the most off-turning thoughts ever.   What does it leave for me? Kinky games are not my cup of tea at all. I don't play kink. And in normal vanilla everyday life I am already more submissive than a housewife in the US in the 50ies. 

When it comes to dd and my husband: I loved the thought of having the man's ok to have things my way. I loved the power that the man handed over to me by submitting to me. I loved the silent trust in me. I loved the sign of "let's do it your way, I know that you know what you are doing". Thinking that I dont have all that anymore, that really makes me sad.

update

I really did it. The fees are paid and all hurdles are taken, I am really going to write the California bar exam on July 27 and 28. In case you are wondering what I am going to do in the next 4 months? Studying, studying, studying :-)

I got lots of legal books and courses to pay,  and if you wanna support me, just send me an amazon gift card to my email address, that would really help me out. 

Do I hear some of you guys thinking: "Tina, wtf, why are you always having money issues? "

Well, I can report that I am working dedicatedly on getting rid of that old program that is running more or less subconsciously in my brain still. 

The gist of  it is: When I was a kid, I was surrounded by people who actually had money, but who chose not to give me any. I had to struggle financially, while my dad was a Rolex wearing rich pimp and my step dad was a successful, rich orthopedic surgeon. But neither of them supported me. I remember days when I was - as a teenager- begging my dad for financial support, but he didn't give me any. And my step father was the very same. He didn't saw a need to give me anything either. My father was all like: "let the surgeon pay for her", and my step dad was like: " let the pimp pay for her."  And in the end I was in the middle and without any support at all.

The sad thing is: I grew up thinking that it is totally normal that other people do have a lot of dough, but that I don't deserve any of it. I grew up thinking and believing that I don't deserve to have money. I grew up thinking that I don't deserve to have my financial needs met.

Of course that was a terrible program for my German law firm. I worked and worked and worked and (subconsciously) didn't think that I deserve to be compensated adequately for my work. 

I am slowly but surely getting rid of that old program, but it is a slow process. And in asking you guys for help, I am reprogramming myself. I am sort of teaching myself that it is ok to ask for help and to have my own needs met.

On the female led relationship front: I realized once more that I got a very nonbelligerent, easygoing, amicable and kindhearted personality. I am not confrontational at all. And in a way I am very proud of that. I love to unify and unite and to mediate and too change my perspectives and to learn new stuff. I tend to adapt myself very easily to new situations. And even when situations are not easy for me, I still try to adapt.

That's why, over the years, I have interacted with men with all sorts of kink. Mohair and cashmere lovers, panty addicts, foot lovers, diaper fetishists, men who were searching for a mother figure, men who craved orgasm control, men who were looking for the emotional release that a good crying brings, line writing and spanking enthusiasts, men who were searching to get punishments from a strict disciplinarian,  etc etc etc.

For me, it didn't really matter what exactly their kink interest was. It was not important for me. For me the interesting aspect is allowing them to be vulnerable around me. I am not a black and white person at all. I see different aspects  and points of views in pretty much all situations and scenarios. 

I do understand now though that when it comes to having my own female led relationship, I am lacking something fundamental. I am lacking the courage to actually put myself first. I am lacking the courage to go for my own needs and wants, when it is contradicting to something the man in my life wants.

I am always trying to please the people in my life. I am always trying to make them happy. I am always helping them to get their needs met. I usually opt for neglecting my own needs in order to make the other person/ the man happy. That is a recipe for disaster though if one wants to build a female led relationship.

In the last months I have been working hard on expressing more clearly and directly what I want. I have made pretty good progress, if I may say so myself :-)

And to all  of you who have read so far: Thank you so very much for your support. You mean A LOT to me. I do appreciate each and everyone of you very very much. I just published a short story on amazon. I am pretty sure you will love it. Here is the link: female led relationship story

One's innate nature is immutable.

 Hi everybody! 

I have been asked by a couple of people what's going on in my life, so I decided to give you all an update.

1. 

I made a HUGE professional decision: I am gonna take the bar exam in the US.

I had asked you all for ideas re my professional life, and I received quite some helpful support.  Thanks for all who wrote me, both in comments and in private emails.

The result was that I got enough courage /confidence to have a closer look into what the requirements are for me to become a member of the bar in the US. It varies from State to State, and I had a closer look at the  regulations in Texas, Ohio, New York, Illinois and California. It became clear that California is the best option for me. In California, if you are a qualified lawyer in good standing anywhere in the world, you are eligible to take the bar without extra education in the U.S.  

Right now I am in the process of collecting the relevant papers from the German bar, to prove that I am in good standing there etc. It's a bit of a hassle, but the goal is clear now. 

2.

I do know though that the most of you don't give a shit about my professional plans, lol, I know that you are here for the juicy details about my sex life and about my findings on kink and loving female domestic discipline. Ok, here it comes ;-)

My sex drive was completely gone for months. And by completely I really mean Completely. It was non-existent for a while. No intercourse, no spankings, no porn, no masturbation, nothing at all. My vanilla life was so full, I was so overwhelmed with moving to the USA, and there was so much other stuff that I had to deal with, therefore sex played no roll at all in my life. I was too tired to even think about sex in any way, shape or form. But now, -finally-, my sex drive is returning.

Loving domestic discipline, for me, is the most wonderful and intimate thing ever. For both parties it takes courage, love, and dedication. It brings people closer than most vanilla interaction ever can.

One of the best spanking memories in my life is from many years ago. I had spanked my then boyfriend at his very own office. Had given him a hand spanking over my knees, had made him stand in the corner, and had even given him a few with his own belt on his naked butt. It was exciting, and hot, and sweaty, and deep and emotional.

He was a man who usually didn't share his feelings openly. A very private person, and he never did public display of affection. That was just not his thing. But when we left the office that evening, both of us still "high" on endorphins,  he silently took my hand and we walked hand in hand through the night to his car. No words were needed. We were in perfect sync. It was one of the deepest moments of my life. It will forever be engraved in my brain.

He took the spanking for what it was. A sign of LOVE. Generally in life, if I dominate a man, I am always interested in building him up, making him bigger and stronger and helping him to let his light shine. 

Basically:

My dominant personality has risen again. I am ready to share more kinky stuff with you very soon. Stay tuned :-)

my american life

I am living here in the US now and I feel pretty confused. 

It feels like I reached the mountain top and I am asking myself: what now? Where do I go from here? What dreams do I still have? What do I wanna do with my future?

For years and years it has been my dream to be happily married. And moving to the USA has been my prime focus for the last 3 years. And now these 2 huge dreams have become reality and I feel like: What now?

My life is still pretty much a white canvas. 

I dont feel much energy to focus on getting a job here in the USA. I am still pretty burned out from my German law firm. I am still working on German cases at the moment, but not as many as I used to do when I was living in Germany.

I love the life of a house wife. It feels wonderful. I cook daily and love it. I dread getting back to working in the business world. I am not ready yet for the fast paced American business world. And I dont have any idea what I could do to earn my money in the future. I guess there have to be companies and people out there who need somebody with exactly my set of skills, but I have no idea how to find these people/companies.

If any of you lawyers and law people out there, and I know there are many of you reading my blog, lol, have an idea for how I should proceed business wise, dont hesitate to drop me a friendly line.

I have been offered a side job that is very much out of my comfort zone. Not sure if I am gonna take it. I promised myself to never ever bring myself in a business situation where I am always stressed and nervous and scared to make  a mistake.

I miss you guys and I miss interacting with you. I miss you a lot. I dont really have anything to say to you when it comes to the kink though. The only man in my life is my husband and he was very clear in saying: Leave me out of the blog.

It feels like I dont believe in ttwd anymore. It feels like a huge charade. It used to be such a huge part of my life in the last 10 years, but it seems like what I was looking for and dreaming about does not exist for me. I have even stopped watching porn. 

I wanted the real domestic discipline deal. But I opted for love when I had to chose between dd and love.