Monday, August 8, 2011

dangerous dd

For me, getting involved in dd acts and talks can be a dangerous thing.

I am a giver. Most of the time, I give much more than I receive. This should not be a problem, with me being christian and all that..., but in reality it is a big problem.

Help, support, time, dedication, legal advice... you name it. I am giving and giving and giving. In real life, I am always busy with taking care of other people and other peoples problems.

I am giving so much, because I can relate to these people and I am sensitive enough to understand that they are in need (whatever their need might be).

If a submissive man approaches me, if he is telling me about his wants, needs and fears, my natural instinct wants me to give him what he needs. I want him to feel good again and I want to provide him with whatever it is that he is craving and missing. 

Due to this character trait of mine, many men have used me to provide them with wanking material only. That´s not generally a bad thing. The world needs good wanking material :-) However, doing that, namely serving these men, gives me the feeling of being worthless and not seen at all.

A friend gave me the advise: "The trick is not to tell them anything and sound dominant at the same time". But this is not something I am good at. Actually, with me, it is always all or nothing.I have never used that"trick" that my friend has been mentioning.

Are you with me so far? Because it is getting even more complicated:

In order for me to open up to a man, in order for me to let myself fall and let my guards fall, I need to feel a special bond between him and me. Don`t get me wrong. I have no problems with sharing my feelings openly. Even at the very beginning of a platonic/not sexual relationship with a stranger. However, what I am refering to right now is a deep embedded insecurity and a deep embedded fear of mine of not being good enough, not worth it, not lovable.

Usually, if a man is willing to submit to my guidance, I can be pretty dominant in the beginning. I am Ms. "Know it all" and honestly, in all modesty, I pretty much AM "Ms. Know it all". I understand him and can relate to his wants and needs and I am making sure that he is feeling great.

Only- at this point of time is when I usually tell him that I have wants and needs too. I do have enough own problems and sorrows and worries. And I need a shoulder to lean on too. However, due to my alledged "invincibility" many men are just overwhelmed with my- for them- "sudden" change of personality. For them, totally unexpected, the strong and not wavering "Tina" is becomming "little tina", a girl who is trying to find love and acceptance and support too.

What is left is a mess:

the man feels overwhelmed and betrayed, after all, he thought he would be dealing with some sort of Ms. Perfect, always in control, always strong...
and me, I am feeling guilty for "wanting too much" and not giving him what he wants....