my father

It took me a while to write the following post. I apologize in advance if it is not interesting to you. I am using this blog mostly as a private journal. And I think it is about time that I finally write down some of the story about my dad. I am trying to find some closure and I think this post might help me.

My father was a very complicated man. He was charming, funny and sweet, but also manipulative, a liar and he could be very brutal. He once hired a guy to cut a woman's hair as punishment. And one time when I met him, I suddenly realized he had lost a finger. He had been in a fight with a client and the client had bitten of his finger.

All my live I wanted his love. He told me many times that he loved me, but I rarely felt it and his actions spoke otherwise.  

Looking back, I can see that my needs and my wishes never really mattered to him. He was too much focused on himself and too much focused on his own life, he just could not see me and my needs. He was too damaged. Or he just didnt give a shit.

At the time I was born, my father was a married man. And my mom was his mistress. 

I do have a half sister who is only 6 months younger than I am. It was complicated right from the beginning.

Over the years my father had 6 children from 4 different women. And all of the children had different approaches when it comes to dealing with dad. I have a sibling who fought against dad all his life. He is a drug addict now. One other sibling tried to not have any feelings involved when he interacted with dad. Another sibling ceased all contact with dad and moved in the Canadian wilderness.  We all tried to find our ways in dealing with dad. And my way was: I tried to support him and be there for him, and be nice to him, and be a good girl.

I grew up with my mom and her parents. I was very much loved by them.

When I was a kid, my father had the biggest and most successful brothel in a big german city. He was a living cliché. He made lots of money, drove Ferraris and 560 SEC Mercedes, and was wearing a huge Rolex watch. 

His wife was a prostitute and working for him.

I remember being a teenager and sleeping in one of the rooms with a whirlpool in the center and waking up and seeing myself in the huge mirror over the bed.

He never supported me financially. Even when my mom and I begged him for money, because money was so frigging tight, he just plainly refused to share his riches with us.

When I was 15 yo, my dad had a girlfriend my age. He was obsessed with her, and even got a tattoo with her name on his arm. He was over 50 yo at the time. The tattoo was so spectacular because it showed how crazy my father had fallen for that girl. He had been a sailor, a truck driver, a sales person, a pimp and he had never gotten a tattoo. And suddenly at the age of over 50 he gets a name of a girl on his arm?...

My father said some impressive things to me. One day, in regards to his young girlfriend, he said: "She got so much that you dont." And he said "I know she is bad for me, but she is so fucking good in bed."

It went ok with them for a while, but then the girl and my dad got in a huge fight and the police was called and the girl said my father had raped her.

He always denied the rape. And I believed him.

It came to a trial.

I was about 17 yo at the time and I was the only family member present at the trial. I was the only one who support my dad. 

When he was in prison, I was the one visiting him and paying him stuff with my own money.

We all felt like: once he gets out again, he will kill the girl. But the opposite was the case. As soon as he got out of prison, he contacted her, made up with her and they spent 60k Euro on vacation and fun.

I was completely uninteresting to him again.

A bit later he moved to Brazil, got 2 kids with a poor Brazilian woman, and when the money got tight for them, I was about 25 yo and in law school at the time, he called me and asked me to raise his two Brazilian kids in Germany for him. ... I declined to do that.

When I saw him the last time, I was about 35 yo  at the time, he asked me for money again. I told him: "I dont have any". And he replied: "Arent you a lawyer? If you are a lawyer and dont have any money by now, you will never make it in life."

I think the schema is: I was trying to please him and make him proud of me. But he was not interested in me. And all my efforts were in vain. Whatever I did, he always wanted more or something different. What I wanted and needed was never of any interest to him.

my father, my ex boyfriend and my fears

 A longtime reader and dear friend offered some valuable insight recently.

My experience is that when you have a pattern that keeps repeating itself, there is something deeper at play. Your narrative takes as a given that your kink is a good thing that should be indulged. Have you ever challenged that assumption? Other than a general need for “control” have you looked at what really drives the intensity of your desire for someone to submit to you?

(...). My “kink” is considered a form of “traumatic repetition,” which means I am trying to control the fear I had as a kid by recreating the traumatic situation as an adult.

I pondered his words for a while and I a realized that when it comes to my kink and sexuality, I am driven by fear much more than I had realized. 

The thing is, my fears are so deeply embedded in my heart/soul, it is pretty tricky for me to access the roots of these feelings. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I can share a couple of events with you that deeply formed who I am now.

I love men, but at the very same time I am often in fear of them. It feels as if I have to constantly please them. And if I dont please them, something bad happens.  (Another reader of the blog mentioned these aspects years ago. If you are reading this, yes, you were right.) For me, men are very unpredictable. And scary. And I know that I don't stand a chance against them when it comes to physical stuff. I saw my step dad slapping my mom in her face. I know that my biological dad once hired a guy to violently cut a woman's hair, in order to punish her. I experienced a drunk boyfriend violently ripping the car keys out of my hand when I had told him: "I am driving, you cant, you are too drunk." I know what it feels like to be helpless in the presence of somebody who is physically so much stronger than I am. 

I think one reason why sub men are so attractive to me is: I know men are physically stronger than I am. I know that men have the power to hurt me very much. Both physically and emotionally. And I know that men can be very easily triggered by something I do or say and in consequence yell at me and/or make my life more difficult. In business life that is perfectly fine with me. I have no problems dealing with loud or threatening men in court, for instance. But in my private life: I am scared very easily and often.

I can take care of myself. I am capable of fighting my own fights for myself. I don't need a provider. I am very able to take care of myself. And even when it comes to sexuality: I do know how to pleasure myself.

Letting my guard down and letting a man in my life and showing him my vulnerability didn't come easy for me at all. For a very long time the risk seemed so much higher than the potential gain. That's one of the reasons why I lived as a single woman till my mid thirties. It just did not feel safe to give myself in the hands of somebody who could hurt me that much.

Submissive men offer me the greatest gift possible. They are treating me nicely. They don't yell at me. they don't hurt me physically, they don't threaten me with physical harm, they actually care about me and my feelings. They are willingly and freely giving up the power that they have over me, in order to please me and make me happy. And they allow me to relax and to feel loved and valuable and seen. In being strong enough to making themselves vulnerable around me, these guys allow me to show them my vulnerability too. And in the beginning, I don't even need to show them my vulnerability much. They actually enjoy me being dominant and in charge. They allow me to feel good and do what I am good at and at the same time they don't bring me in a position where I am scared to do something wrong and piss the guy off in a bad way. I think it is safe to say that when I am doing kinky activities with a man, I have never ever actually hurt the man in a bad way. I value his gift to me way too much. Him understanding how thankful I am for the gift of his submission to me is one of my biggest goals.

Btw: I understand now that this is what connects me with James, one reader of my blog, in a very strange way. He (as a submissive man) experienced one of my biggest fears as a domme. The woman in his life didn't understand him correctly, the woman didn't get what he is actually craving and needing, and in doing the kinky things she did to him, she hurt him very much for real and caused him long-lasting and severe pain.

Intellectually I am very sure that I didn't cause any real pain to any man I ever interacted with. But there are parts in me who are convinced that I fucked up big time with a sub I had. And I am just not able to quiet these parts in me down.

You all read about the story with my ex boyfriend. The guy I dated from 2010 to 2014. The gist of it is: He was submissive. We were together for 4 years, I wanted to marry him and he ghosted me. In the last 6 years, since 2014,  he has refused all contact with me. And when I flew around half the globe in 2015 to meet him and to bring things to closure between us, he actually hid from me. He was totally shunning me. Still is.

The thing is: I never found closure with him. It is still a hurting and open wound and my internal self-talk in that matter is really bad. My brain says:  "He is fighting his own demons. His behavior says much more about him than about you." But my heart says: "Bullshit. You completely failed him. It is all your fault. If only you had behaved differently, if only you had acted differently, if only you were differently." I am deeply convinced that I must have somehow failed him. It feels like I somehow let him down big time and he is now punishing me by ending all contact with me for good. It feels like he doesn't think I am even worthy of one single word or one single minute of his time anymore. 

I have tried to find closure in the last 6 years, but could not. And I have reflected about it what's going on in me for all that time. I meditated about it. I prayed over it. I spoke with my shrink about it. I have begged him for closure, and pleaded with him, and tried to please him into helping me to get closure, but to no avail. All the years he has chosen to stay completely silent. He completely shut me out of his life.

And the horrible thing is: I cant hate him. I somehow think he must be justified in his strong reaction to me because I must have somehow treated him super badly and caused him terrible harm. I still get tears in my eyes just thinking about the fact that he chooses to cut me out of his life for good. And the aspect that is driving me crazy is: I have no fucking clue what I could have done to earn such a behavior/punishment from him. 

My best friend, who actually met the ex-boyfriend in person, told me a few days ago: 

"Tina, your reaction to the whole ex- boyfriend story is so strong, I doubt that the man is actually responsible for that strong reaction. He must have triggered deeper , more hidden parts in you. And my guess is that it is related to stuff you experienced with your father."

I knew immediately that my friend was right. My ex was or is a wonderful father to his kids. There is no doubt about it that he is great dad material. He is quite a bit older than I am, and I can totally see that he triggered feelings related to my father in me.

So I thought: Sigh, ok, let's look at my father.

To be continued.

America, subs and me

A reader asked me a while ago:  

I'm interested though in what you like about the US compared to Germany if you care to talk about it.

I pondered that question a long time. And the answer I gave myself surprised me quite a bit. The answer is: I like Germany much better than the USA. I am a bit reluctant to open that discussion. Here on my blog I am usually staying away from anything political as much as I can. Therefore please note: Here comes MY very personal opinion. I am not saying it is the objective truth, I am just saying it is my own anecdotal experience and my own  point of view.

I love the Americans, I really do. And always have.

How do you explain a feeling? It´s hard to do. And it´s even harder to explain why you feel what you feel.

• I have rarely met an American abroad that I did not like. I like that they are so easy to get in a conversation with, I like that they are so laid back. 
• I grew up in a city where the US Army had a base. And I remember, even as a young teenager, I always wanted to see/meet these cool men.
• I love the language. I started learning English in 7th grade and have never ceased to learn and love that language. In school and later in life I also learned Latin, French, Spanish, Swedish, even some Portuguese, but the only language that really was of interest to me was English. When I was in France a year ago, I could hardly speak a word French anymore, even though I used to be fluent in it. English has taken over in my brain :-)
• I remember, during the time when I dated the German guy, one evening we were watching YouTube together, and we were watching an English show. He suddenly said to me: "can we switch to something German , please". And I only thought: "What? I cannot watch only German tv and shows for the rest of my life. That's impossible". It was at exactly that moment that I realized: "he's not the one for me."
• During law school I worked in a Marriott hotel in Munich, there were many American guests, I loved every minute working there. It was just FUN talking with the Americans and they always tipped exorbitantly. ;-) They were always easy to recognize, with their polo shirts on, of course always neatly tugged in, and their sports shoes. :-)
• American English makes me feel good. It triggers feel good feelings in me. And it allows me to be more open and fearless and to see more of my own worth.

I received the following comment recently:

I think your husband was unfortunately right due to the way society is. Again, I don't know what the view of bdsm is in Germany but in the US I think he would be looked down on. I know I would be and its why I am in the closet. I don't post face pictures of myself even on vanilla dating sites making it hard to meet women. Someone told me bdsm in Europe is looked on like a hobby or interest for the most part.

Here its looked on unfavorably. Submissive women can fit in easier to society but definitely not sub men and dominant women have a hard time. Sub women would be looked at unfavorably if they say they enjoy having the man in charge or being punished. Being sub goes against American values of individuality, to serve another is not in keeping with the culture.

Yes, there is a difference between how bdsm is seen in Germany and in the US. I really do think that it is easier for German men to be openly submissive. I do think that the German society is indeed much more open and accepting to bdsm. I never had a problem with having my kink. My brother knows about it and doesnt care a bit, my mom knows about it and is fine with it. I am sure that my deceased father would be ok with it and my step father too. people might not share our kink, but they are fine with us having it.

I think the German society is still very much influenced, if not traumatized, by the events from 1933-1945. There is no doubt that we were "the bad ones". It is still hard to stomach what horrific things the Germans did. It is a huge guilt that the Germans have to carry. We grow up with the knowledge that our ancestors fucked up big time. And this knowledge is rubbed in our face over and over and over again. It never ends. It is always in the back of our minds. And the feeling of: "You are forgiven, everything is good again", just never comes.  (Just recently we were invited to have dinner (post pandemic of course) with a friend of my partner, and the friend said to my partner: "My wife is Jewish. I hope there won' t be a problem with your German wife?" )

In Germany, we learned to be open minded, to question our believes, to question our own actions and to accept that we are flawed people. 

And  I look in surprise and with a bit of envy on so many US men, who actually and honestly and really believe that they are living in the greatest country of the world. I shake my head in perplexity. Why do you believe that? What is it that makes the US so extraordinary in your opinion?  It must be pretty cool to have such a childlike and simple view of the world. I wonder often what it feels like to grow up with the believe of: "we are the greatest", instead of: "we fucked up big time."

In Germany, for decades, it was impossible to even think about uttering the words: we are the greatest.

And tell me, what exactly are these people who are so proud of the USA actually proud of? I really dont see many reasons that make the USA better or greater than so many other countries. 

Nobody here in the US gives a shit about environmental protection. Let's just keep using plastic and cans and let our children deal with cleaning it up.

Gas is cheap, why even looking into ways to use the car less?  Let's keep living as if climate change does not exist.

And all the hatred for the immigrants... I can tell you, immigrating is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I am not coming from a place of war or drama. Btw: did you know that the American consulate, when handing out the green card, also hands out a flyer which states the immigrants rights in a domestic violence situation? Obviously there are a lot of Americans out there who beat their new wives up once they are in the country... 

The whole homeless situation in big cities is making me wanna cry. And all that so many people do is buying a Mc Donalds burger for a homeless person and thinking they did a great act...

Speaking about food: the quality of the food here is so much worse than in Europe. People in the US are obviously not used to cooking for themselves anymore.  In the food you can buy are tons of artificial ingredients added and I am not surprised that so many Americans suffer from diabetes. It is hard to eat healthy food here. The whole system is set up to make you buy fast food...

People are so financially unprotected and poor that they actually have to go to work despite being covid positive... I could go on and on. And I really do think  it is bewildering that people are actually PROUD to live in a country like this.

But hey, at least the lawn looks perfect, so that the neighbors think I got my shit under control....

Being sub goes against American values of individuality, to serve another is not in keeping with the culture.

The commenter is right. I do think that is very sad though.

We all have a need to be connected. We all have a need to help and support and uplift one another. We are social creatures. It seems strange to me that this is not valued much more.

blind spots and arousal templates

I am finally living in the US now. It is a very strange feeling, it feels almost unreal. A dream came true and I am still fascinated that it actually happened. So far I am pretty happy here.  :-)

With the US so divided, and both sides being so convinced that they are "the good ones", I thought a lot about blind spots. At the moment, even smart people really don't seem to see/understand the other side. And I have been thinking more than once: why on earth don't they see what I see? 

But no worries, I am not going to write about politics here. I am more interested in what I can learn for my own life and my own relationship.

I am wondering where my blind spots are and what I am not seeing.

Just as we have visual blind spots when looking at the road through our car mirrors, we also have psychological blind spots - aspects of our personalities that are hidden from our view. These might be annoying habits like interrupting or bragging, or they might be deeper fears or desires that are too threatening to acknowledge. Although it's generally not pleasant to confront these aspects of ourselves, doing so can be very useful when it comes to personal growth, and when it comes to improving our relationships with others - there is undoubtedly something we do that, unbeknownst to us, drives our significant others, roommates, or coworkers a little crazy. So how do you know what your blind spots are? (http://psych-your-mind.blogspot.com/2011/08/friday-fun-psychological-blind-spots.html)

I am not working (much) at the moment, but I am trying to grow as a person. I spend hours each day contemplating and thinking about my life so far, about my past, my failures and successes and where I wanna go from here.

Since you are all here for the kink, I wanna focus on the kink aspects.

I am a bit at loss when it comes to this thing we do. I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing wrong, but there is no kink in my life anymore. At all. And the strange thing is: this has happened to me before and I have not figured out why. I am living a vanilla life, despite having strong dominant needs and cravings. I am masturbating to F/m stuff and at the same time try to submissively please my partner in the real world.

I literally had hundreds of submissive men courting me over the years, I know since I am a teenager that vanilla sex does not interest me at all, and all porn I ever got turned on on (? my English still sucks....) is D/s.

The questions I am cogitating about are: why don't I get what I am craving? why am I preventing myself from getting what I want? why do I create scenarios where I end up in a vanilla relationship?

The answers / the keys to these questions have to be in me. I am the master of my life. I am creating everything that happens in my life. And when I am having no kink in my life, despite blogging for 10 years about how important the kink is for me and how much it turns me on and how much I enjoy it, there needs to be something going on within me that is preventing me from getting what I want. There needs to be an aspect or elements that I am not seeing. I need to have a blindspot that I am not aware of.

Years ago I had a wonderful conversation with wdspoon and (if I recall correctly) he told me that he always found women who matched his needs. That was very interesting to me, because up until then I had heard many many men complaining about how hard it is to find a dominant woman. I never forgot that conversation because I realized that it is possible to get own needs met, despite how hard it seems and how unfavorable the statistic seems.

So why am I shooting myself in the foot when it comes to getting my sexual needs fulfilled?

One place that blind spots can be found is in strong reactions. An unusually strong negative or positive reaction or stance may suggest engagement in a process Freud called reaction formation. Reaction formation involves unconsciously transforming an unacceptable or undesirable impulse into its opposite. For example, according to this view, former New York governor Elliot Spitzer's efforts to crack down on prostitution when in office may have been a direct reaction to his own desire for and involvement with prostitutes.

I have seen the same reaction formation in many Christians. Ted Haggard for instance comes to mind. I am not so sure though if my D/s blindspot is in that area. I think I am pretty comfortable with my  D/s cravings. 

But recation formation is a possibility, of course. Maybe I am secretly submissive and dont wanna live these aspects?  I really did perceive my  vanilla submissive mom as very weak and I grew up thinking: A woman doesnt cry.  My mom was crying (over men ...) a lot and I made a promise to myself to not do that. Hence my nickname: the strong woman.

In one study (Morokoff, 1985), female participants high in sexual guilt deemed erotic imagery to be unacceptable and reported low arousal in response to it. Physiological measures revealed, however, that these same participants actually showed the highest levels of arousal. The same pattern was later found among homophobic men, who were more physiologically aroused by videos depicting homosexual intercourse than were non-homophobic men (Adams, Wright, & Lohr, 1996)  This tendency is not confined to sexuality. Harsh judgments of others' behavior may reveal a personal insecurity - for example, that highly ambitious co-worker may especially irritate you because of your own unexpressed ambitions. Blind spots in these cases need not be objectively negative traits, just traits that are experienced as personally shameful or unacceptable.

I think it is fair to say that I am actually a very strong and courageous person. And I do know that I can be very dominant in real life. (Just ask my sister, lol, she will tell you what a bitch I am and how dominant I am). But at the same time I am super insecure about myself. I don't value myself enough. I am my own very harsh critic. I don't give myself much credit for what I have achieved in life. I don't think I am worthy to be pampered. I am always focused on fulfilling other people's needs. Putting myself and my needs first in a relationship doesn't come easy to me. My shrink says that is a behavior that I learned when I was very very young and therefore it is quite difficult to change.

I am the most understanding person you can think of. I understand pretty much everything when it comes to human behavior. There is not much that can scare me away from a human being. I am a healer and I am proud of it. Healing people is easy for me. You can wake me up in the middle of the night, tell me that you are sad, or unhappy, or depressed, and I will be able to come up with 100 true reasons why I think you are amazing. And I will truly think that you are amazing. Supporting people in need is something I have been doing all my life.

I think I am doing to people what I wish people would do to me.

And my theory is: as far as the kink is concerned, in the beginning of a relationship, when all is new, I am fully and completely focused on the man. I want to understand him, I wanna know what he feels, I wanna know what works for him, I wanna know his dreams and  fears and hopes and arousal templates. I wanna know as much as I can. the more I know, the easier it gets for me to do my "magic" and make him feel good. 

And in the beginning, generally speaking, the men that enter my life are more than happy to give me what I want. They feel seen and cherished and special. And they are all that to me. I think that is why it is very easy for the men to submit to me during that phase. And I love every moment of it. I really do. It makes me feel amazing, vibrant, alive and happy. And turned on, of course, lol. I think: "bingo. how lucky I am " 

But then comes a point when all of a sudden the men start to withdraw again. We are still in a relationship, we still get along very well, we still think the other person is wonderful, but the men -for me completely out of the blue- stop submitting to me.

At this point I usually tell myself: keep calm, it will come back.

But I had to learn the hard way that the kink doesn't come back.

If I ask in a playful way: "hey, come on, let's do stuff..." I dont get what I want because the men just said no.

And I am sure as hell not gonna beg a man to pretty please let me dominate him.

There has never been any explanation, any talk , any conversation... the kink just stopped. I have no idea what the men were thinking, really no fucking clue. My best guess is: I came emotionally too close. I saw facets of them that they usually hide. I scared them away. 

I guess what I asked for was too much. Because in all honesty: The thing that turns me on the most is domestic discipline. Not playful dress up with leather and latex, not sexy high heels and a big scene, but real life, unspectacular but powerful D/s like me reaching over to him, putting my hand on his thigh and telling him: No you cant have a 3rd beer.   

I think the moment the guy says to me: "I am gonna have that 3rd beer anyway." It feels like something in me switches. I feel like: "Fuck, I have been so nice to you, why cant you just fucking give me what makes me happy and what I need? "

My problem is: In these situations I still think he is awesome, I still love him like crazy, I still think he is wonderful, but I also secretly start to grow anger inside. I am getting angry because I have no way to fulfill my own needs. how could I? I can not just non-consensually dominate a man. That's illegal and furthermore not how I roll. I need his submission freely given by him, and not non-consensually taken by me.

In a way, it feels like betrayal. I have invested so much in the man, and in return he does not give me what I crave the most: his submission. And to make it hurt even more, he is giving it to me for a while, only to then withhold it from me. I can tell you; That sucks big time.

I think I made one big mistake in the past: I more or less assumed that the submissive men I had contact with where strong and self confident enough to submit to me. But in hindsight I think the men only were strong enough to open up to me and let me get as far as I came because I am actually great at opening people up emotionally. I think the men that I met were generally super private and guarded and only allowed me to dominate them (for a while) because I really am good at making people feel safe. I can be the most non threatening motherlike person you can think of.

But: If the (former submissive) guy wants the vanilla version of a relationship with me , I expect him to take as good care of my needs as I took care of his when I was in the dominant position. And they rarely do. In my experience I am suddenly stuck in a vanilla relationship where the guy still expects me to bend over backwards for him, without him giving me the gift of his submission. And that is a very unpleasant situation for me to be in.

After hearing so many stories from submissive guys and reading so many stories of guys who dream of having a dominant girlfriend, it was pretty shocking to realize how few "submissive" men actually are wiling to put in the effort to give me what turns me on.

Just as extreme negative reactions to a trait in others might suggest the presence of that trait in oneself, extremely positive attitudes or behaviors may suggest a lack, or a feared lack, of a desired trait. Research shows that people who want to appear non-prejudiced may go to great lengths to demonstrate their generosity and positive attitudes towards a stigmatized group, especially when their sense of themselves as a non-prejudiced person is threatened. Other kinds of overly positive or rigid attitudes may also suggest underlying negativity, ambivalence, or doubt.

I really dont know where I stand. maybe I am more judgmental and egoistic than I think. And maybe I am asking for too much. Who knows?  As you can see, I dont have many answers, but still many questions :-)

Hallelujah!

 I finally made it happen. I am living in the USA now!

I have been working behind the scenes and was able to resolve all problems. I was granted the visa and I already am in the USA now. 

Thank you very much to all of you who have reached out to me and supported me emotionally and legally. 

By not hiring an immigration lawyer for the whole process but doing it myself I saved thousands of bucks but got grey hair :-) The following saying came to my mind more than once, lol: "a man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client". But anyway, I made it happen. :-)

It feels very strange to finally live here. I have been in the US many many times over the last 20 years or so, but actually living 24|7|365|forever in America with my American husband still feels very unreal.

The goodbye from Germany and my German family was harder than expected. I am glad that part is over.

My whole life is a white canvas now and I am not sure yet what I am gonna paint on it, figuratively speaking. Very exciting and also pretty scary.  

on being "outed" to the vanilla world

1.  It has always been tricky for me to write this blog while being in a relationship. For some reason my partners have always felt very unhappy with me writing about the kink and our sex life. 

In a way it is impossible for me to write about my kinky life and not about my partners, because it is so much linked together. I don`t play with strangers much. In the very few cases when I do just play, it is online only. 

The interactions that make me the happiest and that give me content for my blog are the interactions with my partner. He is the one that I am focused on. He is the one that I am thinking about, and he is the one that I am experiencing all sorts of kinky and/or sexual activity with.

Unfortunately my husband has made it very clear to me recently that he doesn`t want to appear in my blog anymore. His actual words were: "I didn`t consent to it."

Is it a fair assessment of him? I dont know. 

In a way I do understand that it can feel scary to know that I am blogging.

But: 

I was writing my blog already when I met him. He knew about my blog right from the beginning. He knew that I am writing about my love life. And he knew I write about us.

I  am telling you, his words  and his reproach of violating his consent triggered all sorts of bad feelings in me. I was so hurt about his position, within 5 min of having heard his reproach I deleted all posts that I wrote since knowing him.

Accusing me of violating his consent is a huge accusation. I dont even wanna be near it.

If you should have wondered why so many of my older post disappeared... this is the reason.

And no, it is not possible to retrieve these posts. 

It felt like he made me destroy a big part of my past. 

2. I do understand that a lot of submissive guys have a lot of fear of being "outed" as submissives. I would never out anybody. Ever. That´s just not how I roll. Plus: I really think there is nothing to "out" anyway. You like getting your ass spanked? So what? Enjoy it. So do I.

I am in the scene for years now. I have spoken/texted with so many submissive men, I have gotten my first ever spanking in my whole life from a submissive guy who wanted to let me know what it feels like, I have met people with all sorts of kinks and fetishes. And my conclusion is: there is really NOTHING we should be ashamed of. Nothing at all.

Nevertheless I dont talk with the vanilla world about anything we do. I am not on a mission to make this thing we do mainstream. Far from it. And I tell you why: Me personally, I like that we are such  an "elite" circle of like minded people.

A few days ago I received a personal email from a reader of this blog regarding my visa status. He happens to be an American lawyer and he gave me  very valuable insight and ideas and support on how to proceed. His email was super sweet and warm, and there were no strings attached at all.

I spoke with my shrink about this email, I had my phone with me and read her some of the text he had written. My shrink is female, super cool and open minded. When she heard the message she was deeply impressed and thrilled by the message. She told me she hadn`t gotten such a wonderful email ever :-) And me, I gotta tell you the truth, I am spoiled with great messages from great men. It is fair to say that some of the smartest brains of the USA are reading my blog. Why? I do not know. I just know they do :-)

The fact that we are such a hidden /elite circle of people allows me and my readers to be so open and honest and vulnerable with each other. We dont need to explain much to each other. We dont need to defend our cravings and our lust. It is pretty much impossible to just "stumble" about my blog. You need to be "in the scene" to find me. I sometimes tell vanilla friends that I am writing a blog, and sometimes I even say "sex blog", but I never give them the blog´s name.

3. A very good but vanilla friend who is going through a divorce right now asked me recently: "Hey, do you know what felife is?" I laughed and said: "sure I do, I even have a fetlife account." 

And he said: "well, give me your fetlife name  and I give you mine." I laughed again and said: "nope, you gotta find me. " (which is impossible because there is nothing on fetlife that is linked to my real persona. )

And a few minutes later I received an email with his fetlife name. He wrote: "Nothing human is alien to me. We live our relationship pretty openly"

I looked him up on fetlife and saw that his new girlfriend is in the scene for years, well established and with lots of friends there, while he is brand new. They call themselves master and slave, with HER being the slave and him being the master, of course *rolling my eyes. He even had posted  slave pics of her on his profile.

So basically she introduced him to the scene, but he´s not intrinsically feeling it. And he outed her to me.

I think no person who did what he did deserves to be called "master".

And honestly, I thought: man what an asshole he is. He´s got so much to learn still. You dont throw your sex life on people. And the only thing that would have really impressed me is if he had started a  F/m relationship with her and sent me the link to that. This would have taken guts indeed. :-)

So to all the submissive men out there who are reading this: you guys rock! 

4. Oh, and for the record:

Remember "James", who commented here on this blog in the past and sometimes wasn`t very much liked by some of you?

I wasn`t wrong. He is one of the good guys too. Life has thrown some stuff at him, I wish him very well,  and I apologize to him for not listening more carefully to what he had to say. 

A shattered dream.

It is with deep sadness that I am writing this post. I do feel a need to inform you guys first, before I even tell it to my real life friends and acquaintances. It feels safer to tell it to you first, because you all have been so supportive to me over the years.

I feel deeply humiliated, shameful, and hurt. My life is pretty much shattered and I have no idea how I managed myself to bring me in that crazy situation that I find myself suddenly in.

As you all know, I am German. But for some reason I have always been attracted to american men and the USA. I cant explain what pushes me into that direction, I just know I feel that internal push all my life.

When Gregory came into my life, a big dream came true. I finally had my american man who loves me and cares for me and is happy to commit to me. We dated for 2 years, got married and decided to start the process to live together for good.

Gregory has strong ties to the USA, he cant just move to Germany, and I was more than willing to move to the USA and to him. We started the legal proceedings for my big move almost 2 years ago. 

It was an exciting , emotional (and very expensive) "journey". Never in my life had I expected that my decision to move to the USA would have such a strong impact on my German family of origin. They pretty much all freaked out and were angry with me for - I quote- FORSAKING them. My decision to move to the USA had a huge impact on their financial and personal life too, and it took us all months to emotionally deal with it. Never in my life have I felt so alone. We argued all the time. It felt like my German family blamed me for choosing Gregory over them.

Gregory asked me all the time: when are you finally moving to me? when are you finally coming? and the Germans asked pretty much the same question: when exactly are you leaving? Give us a specific date when you are leaving the (German) house. And I told to all of them: "I cant give you a specific date. It´s just not in my power. I keep the German law firm as long as I can, make money in Germany as long as I can, and as soon as I get the visa/working permit from the USA, I will move to the USA. Me moving to the USA without a working permit does not make any sense. I need to be able to make my own money in the USA. I cant just live off of Gregory for the rest of my life. He´s not loaded with money."

Things went on for months and months, and the pressure I felt under got stronger and stronger. And Covid made things more complicated and even harder. Gregory missed me in the USA and my German family wanted solutions for German (financial and emotional) questions, And I could not satisfy neither Gregory nor the Germans,

When things moved on with the legal proceedings re me moving to the USA, I started to tune my law firm  down. Slowly but surely I accepted less cases, got rid of unnecessary stuff and sorted things out, to eventually move. There were hundred of legal questions. Let me assure you, it is not an easy thing to have a running law firm and intending to move away. But I somehow managed. And found solutions for everything.

I was determined to make it happen. And I made it happen. A few weeks ago I had my interview at the general consulate in Frankfurt. It went well. 2 small papers were still missing, but the case managed actually congratulated me already. He was all like: "Congratulations. Welcome to the USA."

I forwarded the 2 missing papers to the consulate, and started selling all my private belongings. I gave away stuff, sold stuff, threw away stuff and ended up with pretty much 2 suitcases full of items that I would take with me to Gregory in my new life. Nothing else.

I told clients that I am leaving soon, contacted colleagues and made deals with them to take over my running cases that I cant finish myself anymore, due to me leaving on 9/14/2020. I even managed, with the help of a reader of this blog, to make a big dream come true by getting a business class ticket for my one way flight to the USA. My motto was: "Flying business class into my new life". :-)

A few days ago the consulate asked for one more paper, which I sent to them immediately. 

I was expecting to receive my passport with the visa within this week. On Tuesday I thought: It´s getting close now. I hope the passport comes in time for  9/14. 

I was saying good bye to friends, colleagues and acquaintances, my office is empty, my room is empty, everything was ready for the big move.

And yesterday, without any warning and without any explanation I was noticed that my visa has been refused. I have no idea why. No reason was given.

It was a shock, to say the least.

My brain is still asking me: Is this really happening? Is this really true? 

And unfortunately it is true.

I am here in Germany now with just a few clients left, no belongings, no office rooms, and no idea how to proceed. I dont even know where I am gonna stay in the future. My office rooms are about to be rented out, my sister has canceled her rental apartment and is about to move in my room, my clients and colleagues think I will be living in the USA soon and instead I am here in Germany without any job, any plan or any hope.

My passport is still at the general consulate, therefore I cant even take the flight on 9/14 to travel to see Gregory for a few weeks at least. 

And who knows what disadvantages it will bring on the border, if the border agents see that my immigrant visa has been refused. It´s all a nightmare.

I have no idea what the legal possibilities are to "fight" the decision to refuse the visa, but I guess there there wont be a quick fix.

In sum: I am devastated. I am so shocked, I am not even crying anymore.

a safe and holy place

I told my shrink recently about my blog and about you guys. And it seems like she liked to hear the colorful stories that I could tell.  :-) It seems like she enjoys the break from the usual stories that her depressed clients tell her. In the sessions with me, even though I can be pretty depressed myself, we nevertheless laugh a lot too.

It´s nice for me to have somebody who I can freely share my experiences with. And in sharing my stories with her I get to know myself and my own needs much better, It is a very fruitful relationship.

I told her about the German guy, a very good soccer player, who came to see me in my office and who had to do push ups right next to my desk. I was sitting on my desk, working on legal papers, while he had to do endless push ups for me. After a while, when he was completely exhausted, I allowed him to get up and to stand in the office corner. I later made some phone calls while he had to stand motionless in the corner. 

He was also very much into writing lines. He loved and hated it at the very same time. One day he was sitting on a table in my office, writing punishment lines for me, when my secretary unexpectedly entered the room. He was trying so frantically to hide the lines, and his face got all red, I had difficulties not to laugh out loud :-)

I told her about the danish slave who asked me to inflict pain on him, It was a long distance thing, and I could not actually spank him or touch him. He ended up kneeling on rice for me and it was just wonderful. For both him and for me.

I told her about the md from the States who is highly successful in a very demanding job. He has written lines for me and served me so dedicatedly that just thinking at him makes me happy.

And in telling her all these stories I realized once again what a wonderful thing my blog is. This blog has literally opened a whole new world to me. The blog and the people I met through this blog give me hope in times of trouble and give me faith in humanity in general.

It is sometimes said that the internet is a dark place. But my experience is the opposite. This blog and the people I met through this blog have brought nothing but joy and color in my life. I have met so many wonderful men, I couldnt have imagined how important that blog would become for me.

I met my first boyfriend here, I got clients through this blog, I made friends here, and I found people who are willing to support/help me when I need it.

The wonderful thing with my little blog is that people can be who they are. I wanna know what they feel, crave and what they think. I wanna know what drives them and what scares them.

I learned that making myself vulnerable allows people to make themselves vulnerable around me. And that is a wonderful thing.

This blog here allows me to show my vulnerability. And my courage to do so has never been disappointed. I feel very blessed to have such a safe and almost holy place to go to. Thank you to all of you who are with me here. I appreciate you being here with me very much.

lawyers are human beings too

In a well written and very friendly recent comment the following statement was made:

... just to say that you certainly do a good job of enhancing the reputation of your profession - your professional body should give you some credit for that. Here in the UK lawyers are considered to be many things, but caring and compassionate are not usually top of the list..!

I am using this comment to say a few things that I have been wanting to say for a very long time. This blog is not the ideal place for it, because my following words are not kink related at all, but hey, I know quite a few of the readers of my blog are lawyers too, and I guess for the people who think "lawyers suck" it might give an interesting insight in a lawyers soul.

I am tired of hearing statements like: "I usually don`t like lawyers, but you are ok". I have heard it so often in my life and from readers of this blog who wrote it to me in private messages. And it always makes me wanna scream: why do the lawyers always get the blame for people´s own stupidity?

I am a very nice person. I really am. I am a lawyer for over 13 years. And these 13 years have been the hardest years in my whole life. I am fighting on a daily basis to not break down emotionally. It is one of the mentally toughest jobs you could ever do. 

Law students and lawyers have much higher rates of depression than those found in the general population.

A 2016 survey of 3,300 law students from 19 law schools found that 17% experienced some level of depression (more than twice the rate seen in the general population), 37% some level of anxiety, and 6% reported serious suicidal thoughts in the past year. Binge drinking was also a big problem – especially for those in the profession for less than 10 years.

A 2016 survey of 12,825 practicing lawyers and judges found 28% reported a problem with depression in the past 12 months of the date of the survey. This percentage is almost four times the rate found in the general population. However, when asked over the course of their career whether they had experienced depression, that number skyrocketed to 46%.

Levels of other mental health issues and substance abuse levels were also significant, with 28%, 19%, and 20.6% experiencing symptoms of stress, anxiety, and hazardous drinking, respectively. Sadly, 11.5% of participants reported suicidal thoughts. 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, lawyers rank fourth in suicide by profession.

Just google lawyers and depression and you will find a lot of information. 

http://www.lawyerswithdepression.com/

In my life, nothing had prepared me for the ignorance, aggressiveness, unreflectedness (is this even a word?) and inconsiderateness of my clients. 

I live in a small town. I know most of my lawyer colleagues, and almost all of them are actually very  fine people. 

I am also a member in some lawyers associations. I actually know lawyers from all over Germany and I can tell you: Most lawyers are pretty ok. It´s like everywhere in society, some people are nice, some are nicer and some are assholes. 

You got to understand that as lawyers, we are happy when we dont have to fight but when we can solve cases amicably, when we can come to a mutual agreement. (On a side note: In Germany the lawyers even get an extra fee when they settle a case through mutual agreement.) We are happy when things dont get dirty. We are happy when our client and the opposite party come to a mutually beneficial agreement. Mutual agreement means every side can save their face, we can get an extra fee, case is closed and everybody is happy.

I always, ALWAYS, try to solve cases amicably. But in most cases my efforts are in vain.

As an empath I can see -in most cases immediately- what the real underlying issue is. And in my experience , in 95 % of law cases that land on my desk, the problem is not a legal one but an emotional one. People do have unresolved emotional business which manifests itself in a legal battle. 

My clients  come to me and present a legal problem, but what they are really telling me is: I feel hurt/not respected/not seen/ treated unfairly by the opposing party and I want you to beat them into submission,

The lawyer is seen as a mercenary, as a soldier , who has to destroy the other party. And too many clients are not emotionally able to switch perspectives and at least try to understand the other party. They lack all understanding of their own actions. They dont realize that it takes two to tango. They dont wanna hear that they have a responsibility for the mess they are in. There is zero insight.

And one of the statements I hear on a daily basis is: I want you to write a very harsh/sharp/mean letter to the opposing party /pleading. Dont be soft.

I will give you a few examples of my daily work life:

Divorces are ugly: It is not a urban myth that some people who go through a divorce argue about who gets to keep the toilet brush. I have actually experienced divorces like that. Do you honestly think the lawyers are the ones who initiate shit like that? Let me assure you: we dont.

Tenancy law cases are equally terrible. The amount in dispute is usually ridiculously low, the lawyers actually burn their own money by working on these cases because the lawyers fee in Germany depends on the value in litigation, but the parties fight like their lives depend on the outcome of that law case regarding their disputed service charge statement.

Labor law: I have represented alcoholic clients who have been fired because they got drunk on the job. They told me they needed to keep the job in order to keep their house/condo or whatever, cried in my office, pleaded for my help,  I even drove one such client with my brother and my mother to a  rehab center. And the result was: He did not even pay my fucking bill in full.

Pedants and dogmatists: I represented Karens who wanted to sue pastors for doing fund raisers. Seriously. I am not kidding.

Probate disputes: One of my clients, his mom passed away 10 years ago, is still suing his twin brother re his mother´s legacy. I have been telling him for 10 years that it is more promising to find a good shrink than filing a new law suit, but he keeps telling me /ordering me, to start new legal actions.

Homicide cases: I had a 16 year old client who was sent by his mom to see me for help regarding a cell phone contract that he had concluded. He showed up in my office alone, and shy and nervous. I felt sorry for the kid. A few weeks later his mom calls me in tears and told me that this kid has killed a 30 yo woman because she refused to have sex with him.

I could go on for hours....I have worked about 1700 cases so far, be assured that I have seen it all.

It fucked with my mind and soul. It hardened my heart. It affects my way of dealing with people. It made me tired, overwhelmed, and sad.

You might say: well , why are you taking on these cases?

The answer is: When I started law school I did not realize in what a horrendous job I would end up. I liked the idea of helping people, of supporting them and being there for them when they are in need. 

Now the law firm is set up, I feel stuck and I got bills to pay.

It was a very unfamiliar feeling for me when I received a few gifts related to the line writing event a few weeks ago. I knew the guy who gave me the gifts wanted to make me happy. It felt wonderful to be for once appreciated for my work (in this case: as a strict task mistress). I hadn`t  received any gifts from anybody in a very log time

People give a shit about lawyers and their feelings and their need to have their own bills payed too. There is this myth that all lawyers are super rich, but in reality, at least in Germany, they are not. I know, the situation in the US  is different in some aspects, but here in Germany lawyers have to work frigging hard just to make a living.

And on top of it, even friends and people who like me tell me: "I don" t like lawyers"

And this pretty much sucks!