Tuesday, September 23, 2014

the answer

I got my answer.
I called him and he rejected my call.
No words needed to understand that message. It´s the same meaning in both the English and the German language.

I just had a huge proxy fight/argument with my brother about it. My brother is an actor, a very good looking womanizer and he is always surrounded by beautiful girls who adore and admire him. I know that he has done this "just disappearing and going into no contact"-thing with quite a few girls.

I asked him why he had done it and his reply was: "I just did not want to talk, I just did not feel like saying good bye to her in a decent way."

My brother told me in very clear words that I am an idiot for pining for my man and that I should delete the emails and burn his pictures in the garden. He says that my/the man was sending a very clear message by rejecting my call. 

What both of them don`t understand is:

I need a decent good bye from him in order to be able to move on.
For me, it is very hard to find closure without it.

What we had was very special. In many aspects. The time with him was without a doubt the best time in my life. I still trust this man with my life and he actually has proven many times that he trusts me more than anybody else. And I am still pretty sure that he would throw himself in front of a car for me in order to safe me from harm.

I do understand that our paths are separating now, and I understand that he is not interested in an emotional, dramatic, "why are you leaving me"-scene :-) I do not even want an explanation for the break up. I do have a pretty good idea now why he left. What I wanted is a big picture talk/text exchange along the line of:

Thanks for being a part of my life in the last years.
I wish you well.
Have a nice life.

Sending me an email or text message like this takes about 2 minutes.
And I will NEVER understand why he did not do it.

Friday, September 19, 2014

short update

Judging from the high numbers of visitors that my blog had over the last two weeks, quite a few of you are eager to hear how things with me and my boyfriend evolved. Well, lol, your wish is my command, here is the latest news.

He did not contact me yet. I have not spoken with him nor exchanged emails with him. I contacted him a few times but he did not reply back.

It is a strange situation. I miss him enormously. I would  love to fly to him and do wonderful kinky , hot and domestic discipline things with him. And I miss his intellectual input, his 2 cents in both my business life and my private life. Despite having a long distance relationship he has been very present in my life in the last years. We were very close emotionally. The long distance made it probably even easier for both of us to allow emotional closeness. And the "no contact" that we are having now is a HUGE change.

A few days ago I stumbled over a pair of his socks in my room and I ended up holding the socks in my hand and dreaming of him for a long time.  Basically: whatever I do, everything reminds me of him.

But I learned a lot in the last weeks. 
I am asking myself a lot of very interesting questions:
what is my part in the situation? Where do I resonate with the miscommunication? Why and how did I create that conflict? What do I need to learn? Where have I wronged him? What am I afraid of? What do I fear? Do I really allow and accept the love in my life that he offered?

I will spare you from reading the answers to these very personal questions. It´s not really interesting for you anyway. 

My point is only: 
I am responsible for my life. 
As nice as it might sound to blame him for me being unhappy about the "no contact", I do have a huge part in the current situation too. I cornered him with my marriage-ultimatum. And I am sure he was not pleased with me doing it. I am pretty sure though that the main reproach he is secretly harbouring against me is based on something else. He did not openly say it, but I understood that something I did made him feel very uncomfortable. I am intentionally staying very vague here. No need to discuss the exact details on the internet. 

In sum:

I am wishing him the very best.

All I want to say to him at the moment is:

I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

being punished

I have written a lot about pain and punishment, and I always wrote out of the perspective of the one who is handing out the punishment. Now I want to address that subject out of the perspective of the one who is being punished.

Frankly: I messed up. I hurt my boyfriend that much that he is really punishing me now. He is teaching me a lesson and I am on the receiving end of one of the hardest punishments I ever got. And I can report: his punishment is hurting me a lot. As every good punishment is supposed to be, it is very unpleasant, it is painful and it is definitely making me think.

The gist of the story is:
I met my boyfriend, I fell in love with him, and I still love him. To me, he is the one.
So far so good ;-)

A couple of weeks ago I put him under real pressure and told him that I want to marry /to be married. I told him to take/marry me or to leave me.

The outcome of that pressure was that he left me. Or actually: After having sent me about 2000 emails in the last years, he now suddenly stopped all communication with me. He does not take my calls, I dont get a reply to my emails and I have not heard from him in weeks at all.
The interesting aspect is: When I had told him that I want to be married at the end of 2014 /Summer 2015 at the latest, for a moment it looked as if he would agree to it. And during that short moment, all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue, I became super scared. I had this feeling of: “OMG; Really? This is really going to be happening? I am scared of it.”
It was fear of success. It felt like “this is too good for me. This cannot be happening to me. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve so much good”. Being his wife was all I dreamt about in the last years with him. And now I realised that the idea of becoming his wife, the idea of living my dream, scared me.
It was one of the aha- experiences one sometimes has in life. I got a rare glimps in my own invisible scripts. A glimps in my deepest fears and insecurities. It almost looks as if I (by forcing him to make a decision) sabotaged my relationship with him because according to my own invisible scripts what we had was “too good for me”
When I had put him under the "marriage-pressure" I sort of knew that he does not want to marry. I guess that in his opinion it is just not the right time. There is just too much other stuff going on that is making a wedding/marriage quite complicated. The fact wheter or not he is going to marry does probably say nothing about wheter he loves me or not.
And still I pressured him into a decision. I did it because I do think that it is absolutely normal for a woman to want to be married. I want to show the world that we belong together, I want to share the same family name with him, I want to wear a wedding band with his name on it, I want him to wear a wedding band with my name on it.
I had no intention to hurt him. I did not want to emotionally smother him or to legally restrain him. I just wanted the world to see that we belong together. He is in my heart, we had wonderful moments in the last years, we went through many challenges together, he has been an enormous help to me when a family member passed away not too long ago and I know that he does have strong feelings for me too. So to me, marriage seemed a logical step.
Hurting him did not even cross my mind. I wrote him that I was always so scared of losing him, but that I now feel strong enough to address the tricky marriage subject. I told him that I don`t want to be a burden in his life and if he does not want me in his life anymore, I don`t want to be in his life anymore either. I wanted clarity. I wanted to know whether I am the right one for him too or not.
In my line of thinking: I wanted to either hear a clear commitment or a clear: „Babe I am sorry...I just cannot do it. But thanks for the wonderful years we had together.“
I really want this man to be my husband. I do think though that I could have lived calmly and peacefully if he had told me the words that people usually say in situations like this: „Hey, it`s not your fault. I just dont want to marry. Bla bla bla.“
What is really hard for me though is that he went into „no contact“. I am feeling so rejected and so hurt, I don`t even have words to describe it. The fact that I am absolutely powerless here is almost unbearable for me. I am a dominant woman, I am used to taking things in my own hands and solve problems when I see some. I talk about things, and I do actually apologise when I understand I hurt somebody. It might sound strange, but apologizing is actually not difficult for me. If somebody is dear to my heart, I think it is only natural to want to be on good terms with that person. In my family we usually express our feelings openly. We yell, we slam doors, we argue, we push each others buttons, but we are easy to forgive and easy to apologize. However, in the current situation I don`t have any means to apologize. I am not sure if he even reads my emails at the moment. And I am pretty sure that he is not reading this post here either.
When it comes to hurt and violation, the view of the person who got hurt must be treated as the determining factor. And obviously my boyfriend is very hurt now.
Be assured that he is very able to express his feelings. He can be very good with words. I am a lawyer, I actually use words a lot. I talk a lot and I talk a lot about my feelings. And my boyfriend does have the ability to share his feelings with me, he is on a par with me verbally and he is strong enough to defy me if it is needed. :-) He does not always want or like to share his feelings with me, he is a man after all and I do know that as far as men are concerned other standards for sharing feelings are to be aplied ;-) But generally speaking, we were very capable of talking things over and finding peaceful and respectful settlements for our disagreements in the past.
So when we don`t talk things over now it is because he does not want to talk it over. The fact that is really making me think is that he chose to hand out the biggest possible punsihment: No Contact.

He is no fool, he is in fact a very empathetic man. So he does know exactly that no contact is having a huge impact on me. And the idea that he seemes to think that I deserve to be punished so harshly is almost unbearable for me. My instinct is to run to him, to fight for our love, to try to convince him that I am the right woman for him. But my brain tells me: „Tina, don`t do that. The more you contact him now, the more is he going to reject you.“ He knows that I want to have contact with him. He obviously wants to send a very strong message. It is his decision how long he wants to stay silent. I obviously got no say in it.
If he really thinks that no contact is the appropriate punishment for me, I must have hurt him immensly. My feelings of guilt, anger, fear and dismay are overwhelming. I try to trust though that he is going to end my punishment someday in the future. He has given himself in my hands  so often in the past,  I could be dominant and boss him around many times, maybe it´s only fair that now the tables are turned? I only hope he will give me the aftercare I deserve. This whole thing is really bringing me at my limits.